As a mother
I’ve had people tell me many times ‘don’t you wish they came with
instructions.’ I never wished that.
But I’ve
heard people say the same thing about marriage. How they wished there was an
instruction manual for marriage. There is. The Bible tells us exactly how
marriage is supposed to be. Those instructions can be found in Ephesians 5,
Titus 2, 1 Corinthians, Hebrews…in fact directions for marriage can pretty much
be found all through the Bible, starting in Genesis. Genesis 2:24(esv) sets the
very basis for what marriage is…
Therefore a man shall
leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.
Christ gave the same description for marriage…
And large crowds followed
him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by
asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have
you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and
female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and
hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no
longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man
separate.” ... Matthew 19:2-9 esv
That is the very definition for what marriage is and it’s
the explanation of how it came to be. What God has joined together. Pretty
powerful words. The Lord created the entire world…in a sense we might say he
‘joined it together’…he made it…he created it. And he did the same thing with
marriage. He created it. From the very first marriage to the very last one…they
are all of the Lord’s joining.
Have you ever just stopped and thought about what it takes
for any one couple to get married. Not only did they both have to be in the
right place at the right time to meet…no matter when or where that happened…but
they each had to like the other, they each had to fall in love with the other…and
they had to want to marry each other. No small feat considering we encounter millions
of people in our lifetime and most of them pass through without us giving them
more than a passing thought. It gets even more amazing if you consider that
both his and her parents had to do the same thing…and so did their grandparents…and
their grandparents….and their grandparents…
The Lord brought each of those couples together, joined them
together. In every single marriage…he brought them together.
Scripture even goes so far as to tell us what a wife is and
how she came to be…
The
man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every
beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So
the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took
one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord
God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she
shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall
leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh. Genesis 2:20-24
We are not only to be a helper to
our husbands but we are a part of him. The very first marriage the Lord created
was done by literally making the wife from the husband’s body. I may not
literally have my husband’s rib…but then again who really knows if we do or
not? Really…we all have a certain number of ribs…we came into the world with
them. But how do we know that somehow in our genetic makeup that we don’t
literally have our husband’s rib? The Lord certainly knew who our husband would
be long before we married. He had our lives planned out before we ever met our
husbands.
Before I formed you in
the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…Jeremiah 1:5
I took that out of context but I see nothing there that
would take its value away by removing it from the context it was used in. If
the Lord knew one person before they were born…he knew another. We know from
other verses that the Lord foreordained those that he chose before the
foundation of the world…therefore He knew them even before the world was
created…before they were born.
But notice in that verse how he says …I formed you in the womb. He made us in the womb. We don’t just
grow out of the genetic make-up of our parents. He makes us…he forms us. Who’s
to say he doesn’t work our husband’s rib into us when he’s making us. Are we
any less made then Eve?
I could have somehow knit into my
very being…my husband. Every wife could have her husband knit into her very
being. We aren’t told that God placed Adam’s rib into Eve and it became her rib…We’re
told, And the rib that the Lord God had
taken from the man he made into a woman. So the rib taken from Adam could
have gone into any part of Eve…or every part of her. But whether we literally
have our husband’s rib makes no difference.
That verse is our instruction manual
for what we are to our husband. We are his helper…and we are a part of his body…with
or without his rib.
Ephesians 5:28 even instructs the
husband to love his wife as such…
In
this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself.
We have all these instructions for marriage in Scripture and
still…some would like for marriage to come with an instruction manual. How
would they receive it? Would it be handed over by the state employee that
issues their marriage license? Would the man that performs the ceremony give it
to them when the marriage license is signed? Would it be presented to them by
the parents of either the bride or the groom?
And if it was possible to get such a book…who would write
it?
And would you want such a book if it was written by a fallen
person? There are plenty of marriage self-help books out there. Marriage advice
abounds. And so does divorce. Would anyone truly want to expose their very
personal marriage to the beliefs and teachings of another person?
I remember watching a movie with my mom when I was in my
teens. I don’t remember most of the movie but I remember the woman…a new wife,
I think…was given a book on dog training by her mother. Turns out the mother
said that training a husband and training a dog are pretty much the same…or
something like that. The wife reads the book and puts it into practice…training
her ‘pet’ husband.
What a lack of respect that woman had for her husband.
I can only imagine the pain the husband would experience if
he had found out that his wife was trying to train him like a dog. What does
that say for the wife’s feelings for her husband?
The very concept goes against the instruction manual that we
are given for marriage. Scripture tells us…
…let the wife see that she
respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 esv
Did
the woman show even a hint of respect for her husband when she used that
book…those methods…to ‘train’ her husband? When she essentially compared her
husband to a dog?
If
I had to choose only one verse to follow for marriage it would be that one. All
the rest…can be rolled into that one…not even whole verse. Proverbs 21:9 tells
us what it’s like to live with a wife that doesn’t respect her husband…
It
is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a
quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs tells us what a wife is to
her husband…
He
who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. vs 18:22 esv
House
and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. vs
19:14 esv
I’d much rather be a good thing…an inheritance…from the lord
to my husband than something that makes it better for him to live in a corner
of the housetop. But I can’t be any of those things for my husband if I don’t
respect him.
My husband recently told me that if I
need something from him that he isn’t giving me that he needs me to tell him
what it is I need. My husband never knowingly does anything that hurts me. I
know he would never knowingly do anything to hurt me. That…and so much more…instills
respect in me for him.
But if I didn’t have respect for him…could
I be a good thing for him? Could I be an inheritance for him? Ephesians 5:27
(esv) gives us another idea of what a wife should be for her husband…
…present
her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other
blemish, but holy and blameless.
This verse is speaking of what the husband
should do… Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word
vs 25-26…for his wife but it still tells wives what
they should be to their husbands.
As a wife I can’t even begin to imagine how
I could become… as a radiant church,
without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. That’s
like trying to attain perfection. It’s impossible. But Scripture tells us that
a husband can create that in his wife.
Proverbs 18:22 speaks of a man finding a
wife and what she is when he finds her. If we look to Proverbs 31:10 we see
again just what a wife should be…but we also see that there’s a little more to
finding that wife than we saw before.
An excellent wife who
can find? She is far more precious than jewels. Proverbs 31:10 esv
Who can find? I’m going to make a guess here and say that in
those three words we can see that a wife that is a good thing…an inheritance…that
has a value beyond that of jewels…isn’t so easy to ‘find’.
As a wife…It’s kind of hard to write on this particular
aspect of marriage. I never want it to seem like I’m placing a value on myself.
That isn’t my place to do. The value I have for my husband isn’t for me to say.
As I write this I’m writing it strictly from a Scriptural perspective, not from
an ‘I am this’ perspective.
As a wife…I try to be this for my husband…to my husband. I respect
my husband. I love him. I appreciate him for who he is. And I appreciate all he
does for me and our children.
And that very respect…and the appreciation that rolls into
that respect…is the very basis for all of the rest of what I see in Scripture
that I should be. I can’t have a high value to my husband if I don’t respect
him. He can’t value me if I always act like I don’t want him around. He can’t
respect me if I tell him of everything he does wrong.
Scripture gives us the definition for what we are to be as
wives…how we are to act…how we are to treat our husbands…
Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the
husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also
wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-23.
The above verses added to Ephesians 5:33…
let the wife see that
she respects her husband…give us very good instructions on what a wife is.
Submission is its own form of respect. And if she is those things…she…I would
guess…will not fall into the category or a quarrelsome
wife…and she will be a good thing
to her husband with a price more precious
than jewels. Of course…I am a wife so I can only say that from the wife’s
perspective.
Our instruction manual for marriage goes so
far as to give us instruction on the intimate side of marriage.
3 The
husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to
her husband. 4 The wife does not have
authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the
husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each
other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV
Scripture goes further in defining the more
intimate side of marriage…
Let
marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for
God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 esv
It would seem that the Lord laid out
a pretty good instruction manual on marriage for us. He may have covered only a
handful of things in that manual but those things take in almost all the
details of married life.
We are told that marriage is to be
held in honor. If we truly honor something what do we do? We give it a special
place…a special significance. It’s important. Valued. Prized.
It’s respected.
We are told how long a woman is to
be married to her husband…
A
wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she
is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39
esv
We are told when a marriage can be
ended…
But if the unbelieving
partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not
enslaved. God has called you to peace. 1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV
And
I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and
marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9 esv
We’re told why divorce is allowed in
those cases…
He
answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made
them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his
mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they
are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let
not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a
certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your
hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the
beginning it was not so. Matthew 19:4-8 esv
Christ said that because of the
hardness of men’s hearts divorce was allowed but he only said it when
questioned as to why divorce was allowed. Notice that he went further to say… but from the beginning it was not so. From
the beginning…it was not so. In other words divorce wasn’t always allowed. What therefore God has joined together, let
not man separate. There actually is no contingency plan in that. What God joined together let man not
separate. Nowhere in that does it say that divorce is permissible it says …let man not separate. Christ tells us
that divorce is allowed because of the
hardness of heart. Because men’s hearts are hard…divorce is allowed under
certain circumstances. Those circumstances…an unbeliever leaving the marriage
and adultery. That’s it. Nothing else.
We’re shown in Hosea how long
marriage should last…
And
I will betroth you to me forever….vs 2:19 esv
How much more of an instruction
manual can we ask for?
Well…what of love one might ask. It’s
there too. This time not in direct reference to marriage but it’s still there…
Love is patient and kind; love does
not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own
way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but
rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 esv
In all of that I can see respect for
your husband playing a big part. Respect affects every part of our emotions
toward our husbands. It affects how we think of him. How we treat him. it will
flow from everything we say to him and everything we do for him. The Lord went
so far as to give us examples of that respect. Sarah called Abraham ‘my lord.’
Ruth slept at Boaz’s feet.
The Lord knew what He was doing when
He wrote out the instruction manual for marriage.
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