Monday, September 28, 2015

Welcome home, husband


Not long after my husband and I married a friend of mine told me something that has stuck with me…funny how we pick up little things that become such big things to us. This friend said ‘you may be the only safe place your husband has.’

At the time being my husband’s safe place sounded intriguing but it was one of those things that you hear and then forget. Or so I thought. But the forgetting never came. That statement has stayed with me long past when my friend said it.

It is something I have…often without realizing I’m doing it…strived to be for my husband. I want to be his safe place.

There are various businesses that put up signs that say it is a safe place…schools, hospitals, fire departments, even convenience stores. They put those signs on their buildings so that people that need a safe place to go know that they can go there. I don’t know exactly what it means when one of these buildings put those signs out. They may have to take certain classes or pass certain tests. They may have to agree to do certain things should someone come in seeking safety. I don’t know.

What I do know is that by putting those signs on the side of their buildings they are saying to the world…we are a safe place. You can trust us. You can come here when you need help.

I want to be that safe place for my husband.

It means a great deal to me when he shares his deeper thoughts and feelings with me. It means a lot to me for my husband to know that he can tell me anything, that I’m not going to betray his confidences…that I’m not going to betray him in any way.

I heard a woman tell her husband once that he was her home.

When I think of the message conveyed in that single statement it is simply astounding. Her husband was her home.

What do we gain from our homes? Safety. Security. A place to be ourselves. A place to feel comfortable. A place to find peace. A place to relax. A place to simply…be.

Our home says much about who we are, what we value, what’s most important to us. It is our get away in a hectic world that all too often bombards us with things we don’t want to encounter.

Home is our safe place.

The woman that told her husband that he is her home was telling him…you are my safe place. She said so much…to me anyway…when she told him ‘you are my home.’

My husband is my safe place. He is my home.

I want to be that for him.

Titus 2 tells us we are to be keepers at home. I’m going to step just slightly out of context here. In that verse it is speaking of keeping the home, or working in the home. I know that but I don’t believe it’s getting too far out of context to apply that verse to our husbands.

If our homes are our safe place…if my husband is my safe place…why can’t I make my heart my husband’s home?

Saying that my husband is my safe place means that for me, he is the place I know I can turn to no matter what I need. I know he’s there for me in anything.

Home is a place we come to when our day is finished. It is the place where we can relax. It is our…sanctuary…in the world.

When we move into a house it is empty. We have walls, floors, counters, fixtures, maybe a few appliances and nothing else. It’s almost…cold…in its emptiness. As we settle in we put our things away. Our furniture is positioned in a way that we like it. Our pictures go on the walls. Our clothes go in the closets and our comfort items are placed throughout the house. And an empty house is turned into a home.

The place in my heart where my husband lives was empty before I met him. When love came it quickly filled my heart. He moved in. He settled in. He made that space his own, filled it with him much the way we fill an empty house with our belongings.

We physically come into our homes to find a safe place in the world. Our husband should be able to emotionally come into our heart and find the same kind of safe place. My heart is my husband’s home.

The doors are wide open for him…he has the key that unlocks them.

But what does it take to be that safe place? What does it take to know that another person is your safe place…your home?

Trust.

Love.

Respect.

Commitment.

At least…that’s what it takes for me to let my husband be my safe place. I know my husband is committed to me, that he trusts me. I know he loves me, I know I have his respect…and he has my trust.

I know he’ll be there for me anytime I need him. And because I know all that…because I have all that…he is my safe place.

How betrayed would we feel if we came home one day to discover that our home had locked its doors against us…a silly thought but…how would we feel if it happened?

When my daughter was little one of her favorite books was about a house that got tired of being dirty. Everything in the house got up and left and finally even the house left.

How betrayed would we feel if our house left? Or if we couldn’t get into it? If we were locked out?

My heart is my husband’s home. I want him never be locked out. I want the doors flung open in homecoming every time he is near.

I want the words written on the door to say…

Welcome home, husband.

And I want him to know that my heart is his home even if he isn’t nearby. I want him to know when he’s at work or elsewhere that my heart is his, that I want to be…will be…his safe place, his home. When he thinks of me I want him to feel the peace and joy of being at home. Because I want my heart to be his home.

Friday, September 25, 2015

What I believe on who is going to heaven


A couple of my posts lately have spoken against Arminianism. I have nothing against Arminians. Having been raised with those beliefs I firmly believe that there are a lot of them that quite simply do not know that what they believe in isn’t in the Bible. Their faith rests in the beliefs that they have been taught and they’ve been shown Scripture in such a way that when they read the Bible the Scripture they read holds the same views as what they’ve been taught.

I truly believe it is a deep delusion that keeps them from seeing the truth. I also believe after having known many an Arminian that there are many different types of Arminian belief. Some believe in such a shallow way as to hold almost no belief at all while others hold so fast to the ‘God’ that they believe in that their faith seems very genuine. It isn’t my place to decide whether it is or not.

I’ve had loved one’s tell me that I believe that I’m the only one going to heaven or that I believe my husband and I are the only ones going to heaven. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Who does and does not get to go to heaven is a decision for the Lord to make and it’s a decision I wouldn’t want to make.

I will admit that there are people that I truly believe at this very moment won’t go to heaven but even believing that in this moment doesn’t mean the Lord won’t save them in the next moment. And so I try very hard not to even make a guess as to who will and will not be saved.

I pray hard for the salvation of others. I hurt for the souls of those that are lost. I ache for the souls of those that will never be found.

But I do not now, nor do I ever, presume to make an assumption as to who will and will not go to heaven.

 

The role of a wife



I grew up in a family where marriage…as I remember…wasn’t something that was highly valued. I can remember several divorces that happened among family members during my growing up years. I can remember fights…sometimes physical…between husbands and wives. The message I walked away from my childhood with was that marriage was something people did but that it didn’t necessarily require any real commitment. Despite that I held a different view.


In my teen years I remember wanting to be married forever. I had virtually no experience with boys at that time and yet I knew when I married I wanted it to be forever. Even as I observed the less than ideal marriages among family members I knew marriage was something special…sacred…and that I wanted mine…when it came…to be forever.


What I didn’t understand was that marriage was more than the worldly relationship that we view it to be. Even as I was surrounded by examples of what marriage shouldn’t be….I had a deep longing for what marriage should be. Back then I had no idea that Scripture lays out for us exactly what marriage should be.


Right now, as I write this, I have a long time friendship that may not be a friendship anymore. I don’t know…can’t know…what will become of that friendship. I don’t know what happened to turn such a good friendship into a quickly deteriorating friendship. It just sort of…fell apart…mostly without warning. This friendship got to a place where things weren’t what they had always been and it was kind of like the aftermath of a disaster…although it was a disaster that wasn’t seen. All of a sudden, with little to no warning, things blew up, got damaged, and fell apart.


This may be the Lord’s way of removing me from that friendship or it may be a test of the friendship. I don’t know. Only time will tell what is to become of it. From where I’m standing though…I’m left looking back on all the years of friendship, looking at the last weeks and days of friendship, and left wondering…what happened? Where did it go? How did it get to this so fast?


This friendship has no bearing on marriage whatsoever. But it is a good example of how things can go so wrong. So fast.


I doubt any of my family members dreamed of getting divorced on the day they married. I doubt that they thought that this new union would come to an end. I doubt they even thought that there would come a day when things would fall so completely apart with this person they were pledging their life to.


But it happened anyway. Like a tornado hitting an area where tornado’s aren’t supposed to hit, divorce hit these marriages. Trouble came, the marriage fell apart, and the couple were left standing in the midst of the wreckage, scratching their heads and wondering what happened.


I’m going to go ahead and say that the couples in these marriages weren’t regenerate. They didn’t belong to Christ though they may have thought they did.


When I was 12 years old I spent the summer living with my grandparents. One day, while my grandparents were gone, my aunt and uncle who lived on the same property began to fight. I knew nothing about it until my six year old cousin came to me crying that ‘Daddy’s hitting Mama.’ I had no idea what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before. I was scared. All I could think of was to get the kids away from it…they were 6, 2, and under 1. A child myself, I did my best to protect the children.


Looking back on that day I can clearly remember so much of it. It left a lasting impression on me. I remember how scared I was. How much I wanted to protect the kids. How much I wanted to make things better for my aunt after it was all over. I set with her while she cried, spent the rest of the day by her side. I gave her the dog I loved because I knew he would protect her. It was all I could do.


The day that happened, before my cousin came to me, I was sitting in the house safe, happy…secure. Then out of nowhere disaster struck and it left a lasting impression. What, exactly, the impression was, I don’t know. All I know is that memory is one that has stayed with me all these years. And that it did leave an impression.


That was probably the worst example of marriage I grew up with. The rest were more cases of arguing and indifference. During my growing up years all of my uncles got divorced and so did my mother. While I was in my 20’s my grandparents got divorced.


There were no examples in my family for the sanctity of marriage. It was much like the cheap items bought at one of those everything’s-a-dollar stores…bought, used until it’s not desired anymore, then thrown away.


But I walked away from that with a different belief in marriage.


I know now it was the Lord’s doing. I understand that there was just something in me that made marriage something sacred. It is the one relationship that we have in life that is truly sacred. It shouldn’t be messed with. Not by outsiders. Not by ourselves.


What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9 esv


I was told recently that my marriage was a choice I made but Scripture clearly tells us that marriage is a union created by God. It also says that man is not to separate that union. Man. As in any of mankind. Man or woman.


Including the man and woman in that very marriage.


This wasn’t a lesson I was taught in my childhood…but somehow the belief was deeply instilled anyway.


Marriage with my husband came easy. The relationship was easy. Rather it…he…came out of the blue one day when I didn’t expect him or the relationship. From the moment we met Someone bigger than me had hold of it and everything just happened until…I was married.


From the moment my husband and I shared that first smile things were easy between us. It was just…right. My husband and I are both Christians, we both seek to serve the Lord, and in doing so…we serve each other.


But even in an easy marriage, even when everything just flows, we still have our place…our role. Things we should do. Things we shouldn’t do.


Maybe…we have that role more so in an easy marriage, a good marriage. Because…maybe…we have more power to hurt each other. There is no one in the world that has the power to hurt me like my husband does. Because things are so good between us I know I can trust him with anything…with everything. And trust him I do. Completely. But that means he holds a power over me…one he never abuses…that no one else has.


But that role…that place…even when it comes easy…is still there. Scripture defines the roles of husbands and wives.


Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands…Titus 2:3-5


The King James Version puts that verse a little differently…


The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;


That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,


To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.


How can we teach younger women to love their husbands if we don’t first love our own husbands? So much of the influence we have on others is through example. We must love our husband in order to teach someone else how to love theirs.


And our husbands will know if we love them. He will feel it in everything we do.


Recently my husband was away from home. I was going to meet him and was preparing for that meeting. I got a message from him that said I might want to bring a pair of jeans with me. I asked him after I met up with him what, exactly, he thought I would be wearing. He said, ‘I knew you would be wearing this. My favorite outfit.’


I had no idea that what I had on that day was my husband’s favorite outfit but I knew he liked seeing me in skirts so I wore one to please him. I wanted to please him in my choice of clothing for the very simple reason that I love him.


But there is another reason…as a wife…that I should try to please my husband…


let the wife see that she respects her husband…Ephesians 5:33


It wasn’t my intention that day to show respect to my husband…I simply wanted to please him. But in trying to please him I was showing respect to him. And he knew me well enough to know what I would be wearing even when I hadn’t said anything to him about the clothes I intended to wear.


Because that wasn’t the first time I had worn that skirt…or a different one…for the sole purpose of pleasing him. I do it often. I know he likes it and it’s an easy enough thing to do to give him joy.


We are to be discreet…self-controlled. Scripture doesn’t define when or where we are to be discreet or self-controlled, it just says that we are to be.


When I was 9 I met a girl that would become my best friend. She and I were good friends into high school. I remember well how, in our teens, she became very loud and would often yell out, scream, or whistle at others. It was embarrassing to be around her. She could be walking along talking quietly and would…without warning…make loud noises. Sometimes it seemed as if she did this for no other reason than to draw attention to herself.


I don’t want to be that kind of wife. Not in actions, not in manners, not in dress. If there’s anything in me that brings embarrassment to my husband or makes things harder for him…I don’t want to do that.


We are to be keepers at home…working at home.


Before my husband and I married we talked about wives working outside the home. We both agreed that was something that a wife shouldn’t do unless the family was truly not able to make it without her working. A few months after we married I told my husband that I could bring in money by selling things through an online auction site. He quickly told me I didn’t need to do that and we didn’t discuss it again. I knew from his answer that he didn’t want me doing it.


I am to be the keeper at home.


It’s what my husband wants me to be and it’s what I want to be. I have no desire to work outside the home. I read somewhere that when a woman works outside the home she must please a man other than her husband…as she will generally have a boss or manager that is a man. She is then under the authority of a man that isn’t her husband. Sometimes that man…that boss…will have more authority over her than her husband does as she will try to please her boss in order to keep her job…even at the expense of her husband and family.


I worked outside the home for a few years in my teens and early twenty’s…before my husband and I married. I did it out of necessity but I never did it because I wanted to or because I got joy or fulfillment from working. Even as I worked I knew that I didn’t want to have to work when I married.


My sister and I were talking recently…this sister works and is unmarried…the conversation turned to working and I told her I didn’t want to work because it would take my time and tie me down. What I didn’t say was that it would take my time from my husband and children and would keep me from being able to be who and what they needed me to be at any given moment. I can’t be wife or mom if I’m at work somewhere.


When I told my husband of that conversation he shook his head before I finished it. Then he said I don’t need to. I know my husband doesn’t want me working. Not only because we discussed it before we married but also from those little instances that have come up in conversations.


I am to be the keeper at home.


It is my job. It is my role.


When I’m home I’m available to my husband when he needs me. I’m available to our children.


Yesterday our ten year old daughter asked me if I could walk in the yard with her. I was waiting for my husband to call and had to tell her I couldn’t walk just then. She said…’you could take the phone with you.’ Just that simply she knew that I could be available to her and to dad.


I couldn’t have been available to either one of them exactly when they needed me to be if I had been working outside the home or preparing for a job outside the home. Because my husband and my children are my focus I can be there when they need or want me to be.


A wife is to be obedient…submissive…to her own husband. We see that in Titus 2 and we see it in Ephesians 5:22esv


Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.


A couple of months after my husband and I married he told me something that has stuck with me to this day. He said that he needed me to submit to him…even if he’s wrong.


My husband doesn’t make demands on me. He doesn’t even tell me to clean the house or cook a meal. If I fail to do something he either leaves it as is or does it himself. I clean in ways I might not do if it were just me…or me and the kids…because I don’t like to see him clean up something after he finishes working. I like to make his day easier by fixing him something to eat or getting his coffee. Submitting to my husband is that much easier because he doesn’t make demands on me.


Marriage for me comes easy. Part of that is my husband…because he makes being his wife easy…part of it is me….because I like being a wife. And so much of it is the relationship my husband and I have with the Lord. Because we seek to please Him, we can please each other.


But in that…there is still a role. I have one. My husband has one. My husband is a great provider. He is a great protector. He takes care of us and provides for us in all that he does. He loves me and I know it. He shows me daily how much he loves me and how important I am to him.


He’s said I’m spoiled.


My sister said I’m spoiled.


I am spoiled.


But…I still have a role in marriage. I have a responsibility. How long would my husband show me the love he does if I didn’t show him love? How long would he feel wanted and needed if I pushed him away…physically or emotionally…every time he came around?


How long would marriage come easy if I acted that way? How long would it stay good if I failed to be a keeper at home? If I failed to submit to him? If I failed to respect him?


There are roles to be ‘played’ in marriage. My role as wife is to keep my husbands home, submit to him…to respect him. That is the role of a wife. Because I love my husband I want to please him, but pleasing him falls into those three categories. Because I love my husband I want to keep house for him, do his laundry, fix him meals…but doing those things is being a keeper at home. Because I love my husband…it’s easy to respect him.


 


 

Monday, September 21, 2015

It got hard


‘I don’t believe in God.’

What do you say to someone that says that? How do you react? How do you respond? When I heard those words from someone I love my mind and my heart kind of froze. Before I could get them working again this same person said ‘I just want to be happy and be a good person.’

And still I didn’t know how to respond. What is the right response to that? On the one hand I’m glad this person wants to ‘be a good person’, on the other I wonder what that means. In my heart I want to tell this person just what they’re risking by denying God, denying Christ but in my head I know that it would do little, if any, good. I remind myself that replying that way might very well push them further away.

I remember how when I first started understanding exactly what it was that I saw in Scripture my husband told me ‘now it will get hard’. I’m not sure it gets any harder than to hear someone that holds your heart in their hands tell you that they don’t believe in God.

Last night my husband and I watched a video of a Christian man explain an encounter he recently had with three other people. These people didn’t believe in Christ. One of the things this Christian man said was something to the effect of… if the stories are true that Jesus conquered death, that he rose from the dead and escaped the tomb, then why would you chose not to believe?

What is there in a person, in their life, that would make them completely deny Christ? Scripture tells us that everyone believes in God they just suppress that belief. And so as I spoke with this family member I was reminded of the verses where I’m told that everyone believes. I was also reminded of the verses where it warns against hardening your heart.

Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
    on the day of testing in the wilderness,
where your fathers put me to the test
    and saw my works for forty years.
10 Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
    they have not known my ways.’
11 As I swore in my wrath,
    ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13 But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. 14 For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. 15 As it is said,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

16 For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? 17 And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? 18 And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient? 19 So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief. Hebrews 3:7-19

I know that this was addressed to the believer but it speaks of the unbeliever and so as I listened to this person tell me that they don’t believe in God I remembered the verses above. I thought of the hardening of heart that took place in this person’s life. I remember watching this person change from someone that confessed a fairly strong belief, even gave things up for what they believed, to someone that was telling me they no longer believed in God.

And it got hard.

My heart wanted to warn them of the torture waiting for them in hell if they continued in unbelief, my mind reminded me that that would do no good.

My heart wanted to beg them to open their heart again to believe in Christ, my mind reminded me that would do no good.

And it was hard.

It’s still hard.

I think back to that video we watched, think of the man doing his best to dispute the ideas the other people in the show held and having to do it long after the show he was on had finished being filmed because the other people on the show hadn’t given him the chance to voice his beliefs.

As I sat talking to this person that I loved, as I heard them say they don’t believe in God, I felt much the way this man must have felt only I wasn’t being prevented from voicing my beliefs by my loved one as those people prevented that man from voicing his. I was prevented from voicing my beliefs by my own mind that told me to voice those beliefs at that time would do no good and could even do more harm.

I was reminded of the children that were forced to write Bible verses as punishment and how they came to resent Scripture as a result. I didn’t want to create any more resentment in the heart and mind of my loved one.

So I walked through that conversation as a person might walk on very fragile, very thin glass. I knew one wrong step, one wrong word, would shatter the glass.

And it was hard.

I had to balance my own beliefs against the mindset of the person I was talking to. I had to tread with caution hoping to plant seeds that would one day sprout.

Unlike the man in the video that wanted only to express his beliefs…the man that did eventually express his beliefs by showing clips of the show he had been on in his own show as he discussed and debated each clip while voicing his beliefs…I wanted to plant seeds in the hopes that they would one day take root and sprout. To do so I had to carefully sift the soil and cautiously lay down the seeds I wanted to grow.

 And as I write this post I find myself struggling with my own thoughts and ideas. I find myself struggling with how to word what I want to say, struggling with the hard part of what I went through while hearing my loved one tell me they don’t believe in God, struggling with my own pain.

Because it got hard.

The video I watched with my husband has no bearing on the conversation I had with my loved one but that conversation came not long after we watched that video. And as I had that conversation I was reminded of the beliefs…or lack of…held by the three other people in that video. Particularly I found myself thinking of the beliefs…or lack of…held by two young women on the video.

In the clips used on the program we watched there were a couple of women that kept voicing their beliefs, beliefs that basically boiled down to let everyone live for their own happiness and just love everyone. It was after watching that program that I had the conversation with my family and discovered this loved one pretty much believes the way those women did. The only real difference that I could see was that those women had held their beliefs long enough to know what they believed and my family member was just beginning to believe that way and so was confused about exactly what they believed.

When I first began to understand what it was that I was seeing in Scripture my husband told me ‘now it will get hard’. I didn’t understand then. I do now.

When a professing ‘Christian’ finds out that someone doesn’t believe in Christ the answer is simple…convince them to choose to believe. That’s it. All they have to do is work their way around the heard headedness of the person they’re talking to and get that person to say they believe. They need only to convince them to say a five minute prayer. Once the prayer is said the person is saved and they can quit worrying about their soul.

It’s not like that.

And because it’s not like that…it gets hard. I can’t be mad at this family member because of their unbelief because the Lord has decided who he will save and who he won’t. If I get angry with someone for not believing then I’m basically punishing them for something they had no control over. Not that I came anywhere close to being angry. I was hurt. Hurt for them, scared for them, worried about them, but not even close to angry.

You see, I understand what that person didn’t. I understand that in their unbelief  they are risking their eternity, they are literally playing with fire. And yet…I know that only the Lord can save them. They have a part to play. I have a part to play. But only the Lord can save them. The decision has already been made. The Lord will either save this person or they won’t.

I have questioned myself many times about whether or not I should explain the truths of Scripture to family members that profess to be ‘Christians’. I’ve wondered if I should tell them what I know that they do not know. And I haven’t found the answer yet. In some ways I think it’s best to leave them with their beliefs. I think that it preserves family relationships and lets them happily hang onto what belief they do have. But then I wonder… I know I had never heard of the truths that were revealed to me before I was seeing them in Scripture. In all my days and years of going to ‘church’ I never heard them. And so I wonder if I might not be the only person in my family member’s lives to show them those truths. And if I am…is it my place to say something?

That is where my beliefs get hard. Hearing someone I love tell me that they don’t believe in God and that they just want to be happy and be a good person…got hard. If I had held the beliefs of most professing ‘Christians’ I would have tried to convince my loved one to just ‘chose Christ’ but because I don’t hold those beliefs there was nothing I could say. All I could do was try to understand where they were coming from. And reassure them that I held no anger toward them because they didn't believe.

And I knew, even as I reassured them, that I would pray hard for them. I knew I would beg the Lord to do something in their lives that they would never choose if given the choice. I knew that I would spend countless hours in prayer for this person because I knew what they did not.

I knew what they are missing out on. I know what their unbelief will cost them.

And because I know I will beg the Lord for this person’s soul.

And still…the pain was near devastating. As I thought of what this person may wind up suffering I emotionally staggered.

 I hurt.

 I ached.

 I bled invisible blood. Because I know the consequences to come if the Lord leaves this person to their unbelief.

And it was hard.

It hurt.

I wanted to do something but was powerless to change anything in that moment. I wanted to tell them how wrong they are, to beg with them, to plead, to convince them to change their minds but I knew it wasn’t their minds that needed changed it was their heart.

 I am reminded of the security my grandmother used to find in knowing that her children and grandchildren had said ‘the prayer’. And I’m reminded of how much easier it would be to believe that way. If I believed that way I would still have the security of knowing that this person will go to heaven because they once said ‘the prayer’. But I know that prayer did not secure this person’s salvation any more than saying I want to own that car makes it yours.

But as that person told me of their unbelief I almost wished I could believe that way because it would have taken away a good part of the pain I felt at hearing ‘I don’t believe in God.’

And for me…

It got hard.

 

 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Living in a theme park world


I recently wrote a letter to a friend in which I continued a conversation we had been having about raising children. This friend has children very close in age to my own children and so we often find ourselves comparing notes and discussing things that pertain to child raising. There were so many different aspects to that conversation but what stood out to me as I was writing it was the explanation I gave my friend for the difference in how I raised my oldest based on all the things I do now.

You see when my oldest was little, starting at age two, we had passes to a large theme park every year. Not only that but we took her to very large theme parks that we had to travel for days to get to. When we weren’t going to theme parks we were taking her to carnivals and fairs. We took her to restaurants with large play areas for the simple purpose of letting her have fun. We took her to kid’s festivities. Basically…if it looked fun for a child, we did it.

Oh, how things have changed. I no longer see those amusement parks as the best way to have fun. They’re still fun, and I’m not opposed to them in general, but now I see them differently. I find more fun in a day spent doing something simple, enjoying the Lord’s creation, spending time with my family.

The trouble is…my daughter was very much a product of the theme park lifestyle she was given as a young child. She loved our trips to the theme parks, looked forward to the next one, asked to go again…and again…and again. It was much like a merry go round where the ride never stopped.

And the child that so loved the theme parks…had a hard time enjoying a day at home. When doing something of a simpler nature if asked if she was having fun the answer was always no. She had been conditioned nearly from birth to love the fast paced, exciting fun of the theme park and it showed.

It still shows.

That child, who isn’t a child anymore, loves big cities. She can’t find enjoyment in the woods, in the country. She finds no enjoyment in animals. Watching the stars just to see them in the night sky holds no fascination for her.

She is the product of having lived in a theme park world.

The trouble is…so is everyone else. There is a television show I enjoy watching occasionally. It was made in the 1970’s and is set in the 1800’s. As life unfolds for the people in that show you see them doing the mundane, the everyday…at least it was the everyday things for them…they worked hard and found pleasure in simple entertainment. In the episodes where a carnival, circus or other big entertainment happened you can see their excitement and amazement in what was before them. But for them those times were few and far between. Of course that is television, not real life, but the comparisons can still be made. In the show you can see how the children would try and do the things they had seen and done at those exciting times long after the entertainment had left town.

I see those same behaviors in my own children after they’ve seen or done something exciting. I hear it in their voices as they remember. I see it in the light in their eyes as they talk about it. I see it in their play as they act it out.

The trouble is too many of the people today have grown up in a theme park world.

Too many people today can’t take joy in the simple pleasures because they’ve been programmed by a theme park world from birth. Walk through any toy store and see how many toys you find that require batteries. Too many to count.

Narrow your search a little and stay in the infant toys. You should be safe there…right? I mean what kind of battery operated gadget could a baby possibly need? One trip through the baby section paints what should be a horror story. Not only are there battery operated toys for babies but the list of ‘must have’ items, most of which take batteries or electricity, for babies is enough to boggle the mind.

And it gets worse. Some of those toys and must have items are actually designed to put a tablet in so that the baby is entertained by what is basically a computer.

These aren’t the types of things I’ve ever wanted for my children so I’m not sure exactly what’s out there but I’m going to assume that somewhere out there is a gadget to put a tablet into the baby’s crib. If not then there’s a baby toy that’s made to appear to be a tablet for a baby that goes in the crib. At least I assume there is.

I recently saw something that said today’s children are being shortchanged the child given right to play outside by the electronic world they live in. Simply put today’s children don’t find the pleasures in the natural world that children of times past did because there’s too much ready-made enjoyment to be found in the latest electronic gadget.

And parents are instilling that in their children from birth.

When a baby is raised in an electronic world they learn to enjoy that life and find little or no enjoyment in things that don’t offer instant entertainment.

When I was a girl I remember hearing people talk about how letting kids watch TV was a bad thing because it was unrealistic. They talked of how thirty minute TV shows taught children to expect quick fixes to even the biggest problems.

I saw something not all that long ago that said depression is now an epidemic. I find myself asking why that is. When, exactly, did depression become a problem? Has it always been there, with or without the name of depression to label it, or is it a modern day problem? Is it something that the human heart, the human mind, has always been prone to? Or is it the result of raising children in a world that teaches instant gratification and quick fixes to big problems?

My husband and I recently visited a cemetery with graves that dated as far back as the early 1800’s, possibly the 1700’s…some were too old to make out all the writing on them. I have this strange enjoyment of visiting old cemeteries. It’s an enjoyment my husband shares. It isn’t the kind of entertainment, instant gratification, fun of today. For me it’s being able to look at those headstones, to imagine the people buried there, to think of what their lives were like.

And to hurt for them.

In that cemetery we saw numerous graves for young children and babies. In some places there were many children from the same family buried side by side. To walk through that cemetery, or any old cemetery, it appears that children in times past were very fragile. Their lives were ended while they were still young. Even the adults…so many of them died in their twenties, thirties, and forties. In fact forty-something seemed to just about be old age for the people in the 1800’s based on the graves in that cemetery.

Age, it seemed, was a detriment to the people of times past and it wasn’t because they had grown old enough to enter into what we now see as fragile years. It was simply that being young made them fragile. What caused the deaths of all those young people…who knows? But their lives were ended during a time when our society today would say they were too young.

Today our young people are just as fragile only now it’s in a different way. We no longer fear plagues and outbreaks of illnesses that can and did kill hundreds of people. It isn’t that we aren’t suseptable to those things today…the outbreak of Ebola last year confirmed that…but that today we have what we consider to be modern medicine.

The thing is we still have outbreaks of things, epidemics that take our young people as sure as cholera and other dreaded diseases took them in past eras. According to what I read on depression…our young people are being lost to the dark void of depression in record numbers. So much so that it’s now an epidemic and they don’t expect it to get better.

Once again I must ask…Why? When did this ‘epidemic’ start? Has it always been there or is it a product of our modern times? Did children that were raised seeing true pain and depravation fall prey to the darkness of their own emotions in times when a family might lose every child they had to influenza? Did children that grew up moving from state to state, fearing Indian attacks and outlaws, walking for hundreds of miles…did they suffer from depression when something went bad in their young adult years? Did children that went hungry because their family had little food and less money grow up to feel depressed?

Or is depression and ‘epidemic’ of our own making? Did we set the stage to create depression in our children by giving them everything they wanted? Did we set the stage for depression by raising them in the nicest house we could afford? Did we set the stage by putting them in every kind of class or lesson their heart desired? Did we set it by giving them big excitement? By providing them with the instant entertainment of television, movies, and computers?

I often think of the times my friend has told me she would have liked to live when people had the Lord and not much else. I think, too, of the times most people cry out to God. By their own admissions it’s often when things get so bad they can’t face them alone. Then they want the Lord to come make it all better.

And that brings me back to thinking of how our world has turned into what amounts to a theme park. Go into any decent sized town and entertainment abounds…movie theaters, malls, shopping centers, museums, parks with fancy playgrounds, skating rinks…and the list goes on. Without ever stepping foot in a real theme park we can live in one every day. Instant entertainment and instant gratification are the norm. And our lives, including the fragile emotions of our children and young people, show it.

Because we are living in a theme park world.

When I was in my teens and twenties I heard often about men and boys that suffered from what was called ‘Peter Pan syndrom’. Now that wasn’t a true disorder, it wasn’t medically diagnosed, wasn’t seen as some kind of disease. But it was all too real. Girls spoke of it often. Back then it was well understood that girls matured faster than boys. It was a good part of the reason most girls were only interested in older boys and men. Even if those boys and young men were growing up, maturing, they weren’t doing so at the rate the girls were.

Then there were the ones that suffered from ‘Peter Pan syndrom’ they had fallen prey to ‘I don’t want to grow up’. This was seen in boys and men only. I never heard of any female being labeled with that particular syndrome.

Today…a good part of the people in our society have it.

Children suffer from it.

Adults suffer from it.

But the worst…parents suffer from it.

And our world suffers for it. We live in a nation of people that have been raised on having all their problems fixed or wiped away with the ease of loosing themselves in video games, movies, and music. They can live on the edge by riding a roller coaster, jumping off a platform or out of an airplane.

Poof! Their problems are gone.

Until they show up in all their ugly details. And when they do….too many people aren’t equipped to handle them. Because they’ve been insulated from the bad. They’ve had all there problems fixed with little or no effort on their part. Their problems have been erased with the huge magic eraser of entertainment.

Because we live in a theme park world.

It’s expected. It’s understood. It’s unspoken. It simply is the way things are. All our problems can be erased by finding something to consume our thoughts and our time. Whatever your method of entertainment…it can be found. Whatever you need to get your thoughts off real life…it can be delivered to your door.

Because we live in a theme park world.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Like rich men and camels


1 James, a bond- servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes who are dispersed abroad: Greetings.
2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:1-4 NASB)

When it rains it pours. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard that old saying in my life. Meaning that when one trial comes…many come at once. And all too often it’s true. How is it that just at the moment in life when things start to get rough, just when we feel like we might can manage under the stresses coming our way at that time…that so many more just flood us?

Life has a way of throwing things at us in ways we never expect or are prepared for. Or so it seems. Many attribute all these things to life, to chance, to happening without ever knowing there was a greater Hand at work in it all. They chalk it all up to coincidence or bad luck.

But Scripture clearly tells us that there is a method to the madness. There is a reason. There is a purpose. There is a plan.

And there is a higher power…a holy God…controlling it all.

But what happens when a person begins to feel that even that Holy God has turned against them? When those trials become too much to bear and thoughts turn to how even the Lord has gone against us…what then?

If we are truly in Christ we may feel that way…I didn’t think it possible until recently when the many trials I have faced lately became just one too many…for a time. How long that time will last most likely will depend on many things. The biggest of those things is how long the Lord will let us stay there.

I was there not all that long ago. My every moment was weighed down with the pains and cares placed upon me by this world…by my Lord…and I struggled through each day. My human mind couldn’t handle the most recent…one in a line of many…trial that I was placed in. And I lost my focus. I struggled. I cried. I hurt.

But I did it all alone.

I forgot…in that pain…to turn to my Lord. And in forgetting I lost the Hope that lives in me. The Hope that lets me face each day, each trial, just a little bit easier.

And while I was in that time…while I was focusing on the hurt and not the Hope…I got weighed down. I forgot…for a time…that I needed to cling tighter to Christ.

I remember once, years ago, when I felt like the Lord was doing something in my life. What He was doing I couldn’t see but I could feel that He was working in me…changing me…changing my life. I remember that in my prayers I said something like ‘you’re taking me somewhere, aren’t you’ and realized as soon as I said it that He is always taking me somewhere.

Some days He gently guides me by the hand, leading me around every hole in the ground, every rock that might make me stumble and other days…

Other days he shoves me head first into a pit of unknown dangers. At least there are days when it feels that way. On those days…which are really times and not necessarily days…I barely manage to get my feet under me before the rug is yanked away. Sometimes what’s under the rug is solid floor and sometimes it’s a deep dark hole that I must tumble through.

Those are trials. They are tribulations. They are tests to my faith.

Sometimes I pass the tests.

And sometimes I fail.

But either way…the Lord always brings me through it. He always reminds me that my hope is in Him. And so is my life. In the good and the bad. He has a plan and a purpose for my life and because he does…there is a method to the madness.

Life in general is much like a roller coaster. Everyone has good days and bad days. They have good times and bad times. There are times of plenty and times of little. There are times when we are so happy we can’t see straight. And times when we hurt so much we can’t see at all.

I told my daughter a couple of months ago that it isn’t in our good times that we grow and learn but in the hard times. It’s in those moments that we must struggle and hurt that we grow and mature.

As parents we want so much to save our children from all suffering. We want them to be happy and to have the things they need…and all too often want…of this world. But we often forget that as Christians…it’s a whole different story. Scripture tells us that it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to go to heaven.

So why do we cater to our children? Why do we give them everything we can so that they have better earthly lives?

I spent so many years as a parent trying to give my children…everything. I didn’t want them to know when times got hard. I wanted them to feel secure. I did my best to give them security in everything…in our finances, in our home, in me. In everything.

And then one day…things changed. Suddenly, with little warning. And it shook my children’s world. The younger ones bounced back rather quickly. The middle ones had a little tougher time. But the oldest…oh, the oldest…it took months and much angst before there was any semblance of recovery. And the trial…wasn’t even a horrible experience. Only a change in life and circumstances.

But because I had gone to such lengths to keep everything secure…to see to it that the children knew as little suffering as possible…my children suffered when that change came.

How prepared are our children for the trials and tribulations of life when we protect them from the bumps in the road along the way?

How prepared are we for the mountains when we rarely climb the little hills?

I speak of children only because that time in our lives when things changed suddenly stands out so much as I write this. It reminds me of the very truth in camels going through needles verses rich men getting to heaven.

We may not see ourselves or our children as being rich but no matter how poor we are…people in America are generally richer than people in a good part of the world. Our children may grow up with parents that struggle to pay the bills but how many times do we find a way to get them as much of the ‘I want this’ that we can squeeze from our meager funds? And when the funds are greater…so are the ‘I wants’.

I remember in my teen, when I was ready for my first car, my grandmother loaned me the money to make a down payment on a car that only cost me $1,200.00 total. But I had to put a down payment on it and make payments until it was paid off. I not only made payments on the car but I made payments on the money my grandmother had loaned me to get the car. I bought my own gas, paid for my insurance and tags.

That car was my first taste of financial responsibility. I remember how hard I worked to make the money to make those payments and to keep that car. I was 17 years old, in high school, and raising a child that wasn’t mine.

I remember, too, how a few years later my grandmother bought my younger cousin a truck with a price tag in the thousands. That cousin was given that truck with no expectation of paying back a single penny of the price. That cousin paid for nothing of it’s expense.

At the time I remember thinking of how I had worked to pay off my car…which had cost a fraction of the price of my cousins truck…and how I had been expected to repay the few hundred dollars I had been loaned as the down payment for my car. At the time I think I may have had some hard feelings over that. But as time went on…as I saw the difference in how I matured as I worked for my car…and how my cousin didn’t…I was grateful things had worked our for me as they had.

Now, as I write this, as I remember that time in my life, I think of the camel and the rich man. I think of the lessons I learned in the struggle to pay for a car that cost so little. I remember how I agonized over the expense of vehicle repairs…but I got them done. I remember how happy I was to see new tires on my car the day I could finally afford to get them.

And I remember how careful I was with that car.

I knew better than to let it run out of oil because I would have to pay to have the damage repaired. I knew better than to leave the keys in the ignition because I would have to buy another car if that one got stolen.

Those are lessons that I learned well and still apply today.

I think, too, of the many Christmas toys that were short lived. Of the sometimes minutes that they held my children’s attention. And then I think of how that changed when the toys being received on Christmas dwindled. I think of how as my children learned to work for their own money, to buy their own toys, to understand that there would be less on Christmas morning, how they made wiser ‘I want’ lists. How they understood just what that toy they were given was worth.

They still leave their toys in the floor. They still grow bored with them. They still make ‘I want’ lists a mile long. But they also understand a little better…because they’ve had to buy some of those toys themselves…just what it takes to get them.

And I think of the camel and the rich man.

As a child I grew up with many struggles. Like everyone in all of time, those struggles came and went. There were hard times and there were easy times. Good times and awful times. There were times I would have stayed in forever and times I couldn’t wait to escape. But when I look back on my own childhood and I look at my children’s I can see that I succeeded in protecting them from so much of the bumps of childhood. That’s good, right? Isn’t it what all of us as parents try to do?

But in the end do I want my child to be a camel or a rich man?

Do I want them to learn and grow because they had to struggle a while or do I want them to despair because they are protected from the struggles, because I do all that I possibly can for them, and then have to watch them reach despair when they must face hills that I can’t route them around…long before they ever have to climb a mountain.

And I think of the camel and the rich man.

And I think of me. Of my own life. Of my hurts, my pain, my trials.

I remember reading something years ago about how the Mennonites go through life looking at everything as heaven is the goal. Then they ask themselves if whatever they are doing…getting…thinking about…will get them closer to that goal or further away from it.

I have no idea if they really do that or if it was something someone wrote somewhere because it’s what they think the Mennonites do. And I know that whether heaven is our goal or not…nothing we do will get us there so that thought process is futile. But I found it to be an interesting idea at the time that I read it and I find it interesting now.

Not because we can get ourselves to heaven through the things we do or do not do, but because of the camel and the rich man. Because I worked for my car and my cousin didn’t. Because I see the difference in how I handled problems of all sizes and how my children do.

Heaven is attainable only if the Lord choses us to be the recipient of the gift of salvation. But…if heaven is the goal…would we rather be camels or rich men? Even in life…when trials and tribulations come…would we rather struggle through the hills so the mountains don’t seem quite as hard or as high…or would we rather never climb a hill and then have to scale a mountain?

Trials have come my way, in what at times has seemed like one after another this year. There have been times that I barely got over the worst of the pain from one trial before another one hit. I am on the mountain. I must climb it. It’s been a difficult climb and it’s not over yet. But how much harder would it have been if I’d never scaled a hill?

I wrote some time ago about how the Lord places things in our lives to prepare us for the plan He has for us. My childhood prepared me for the road I would walk as an adult. My teen years prepared me for my adult years. My years as a mother prepared me for my years as a grandmother. My years as a young woman prepared me for my years as an old woman… There are probably millions of things in my life…most of which I know nothing of…that have prepared me for something. They were stepping stones that laid the ground for what was or is to come.

The most important groundwork was that which was laid to prepare me for the day the Lord would save me. We are told time and again in Scripture that Christ is the foundation, He is the cornerstone. He is the goal…even when we aren’t the ones laying the foundation or working for the goal.

Because of the foundations that the Lord placed in me…He gave me the goal. And still…the struggles in life are there. Some of those struggles are hills, some are mountains, but struggle we must.

33 These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NASB)

Being in the world is a struggle…and because we are in the world…we will struggle. But we have Hope in Christ. When the world’s cares take all hope away…there is Christ. There is Hope.

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (1 Peter 1:3-5 NASB)

We may lose our earthly hope for a little while but if we belong to Christ He will only leave us in that place for so long before He reminds us of Who we belong to. Like a kick in the backside that reminder is enough to pull us back to where He wants us to be. We must struggle, we must hurt, we must face the trials and tribulations, but we must face them not for chance, or just because, but for the purpose that the Lord has made us, so that He may put us where He wants us and so that He can make us what He wants us to be.

6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; (1 Peter 1:6-7 NASB)

We have been given Hope beyond measure when we are in Christ. Our salvation is our greatest hope. Christ is our great Hope. Earth and all it’s cares can take away our fleshly hope in this world but our true Hope lies in what has been given to us out of the mercy of our Lord.

I’ve heard many times that if ‘God will bring you to it, He will bring you through it.’ It’s something that I never paid much attention to. But if you really stop and think about it, there’s much truth in that. The Lord will bring us to many things…He will also bring us through them. And when we come out the other side of them…how much richer will we be for the struggle we endured?

Not rich like the rich man, but rich like the camel that struggled long and hard to get through the eye of the needle…painfully, slowly…and when he finally popped out the other side…discovered he was in heaven.

Our trials…tribulations…sorrows…pains…are only for a little while. They are the refining fires that make us who the Lord wants us to be. And in that refining fire…oh, how we change, mature and grow, whether we want to or not.

I have made taffy candy, have watched it made on large scales…when taffy is made you take a substance that is stretchy but firm and twist it, pull it, squeeze it, and start again. Over and over and over you twist and pull this semi-stretchy substance until it changes and becomes soft and pliable. It goes from what it was…to what it is supposed to be.

It is molded. It is changed. It is refined.

Like taffy, we are pushed and pulled, twisted and squeezed by the Lord and His plan until we sometimes feel as if we can’t take another moment of torture but…what the Lord brings us to, He brings us through. And out the other side we emerge…like a butterfly from a cocoon, no longer a caterpillar but a butterfly with beautiful wings…something greater than we were when we started the process.

Because there is a method to the madness. Because when we belong to Christ He won’t allow us to be rich men…we must be camels that struggle to get through the eye of the needle.

I read a book the other day…actually I finished a book the other day, it took a few days to read it…about a little girl whose one desire was to own a Bible. This girl lived in a time and place when Bibles were hard to come by. She worked and longed for a Bible of her own. She walked miles just to read someone else’s Bible. It took her years and years to earn enough money to buy her own Bible and then she had to walk 50 miles to get it. She covered those 50 miles, barefoot, in two days.

We live in a time where Bibles are plentiful and can be had cheaply. I know of a thrift store that gives away Bibles…they won’t charge for them no matter their condition, age or worth. If I walk through my house I could gather enough Bibles provide them to a good number of people.

But that little girl worked long hard hours for years to be able to buy a Bible. Then she walked many, many miles to get one. How much more did that Bible mean to her, when she finally got it, than does the Bible my daughter owns that was given to her at her birth?

How much more precious did the words in the Bible seem to a child that longed to read them for years and had to work hard for that privilege?  

Like the camel struggling through the eye of the needle, that girl struggled for the words of our Lord. She toiled and labored much for the chance to own a copy of what she considered a treasure.

And treasure it she did. The very Bible that young girl worked so hard for was passed on at her death and now lives in a museum. It has survived for hundreds of years.

I have a Bible in my home that is falling apart. I got it that way. It’s a cheap paperback Bible that isn’t all that old, and doesn’t have the look of a Bible that has been read much. Instead of falling apart because it was a much used Bible it appears to be falling apart because it was a much abused Bible. I own it because it serves a purpose that I could never do with an intact Bible. The very fact that it is falling apart has now allowed it to become a much used Bible.

But when I think of the history it most likely had to wind up in the condition it was in when I got it…I am reminded of the little girl that worked so hard, for so many years, to get a Bible of her own. And how she would have treasured a single page from this falling apart Bible.

When things are given to us easily, we generally fail to see the treasure that we hold. Another saying I’ve heard many times…’easy come, easy go.’ Bibles in our country are so easy to be had that most people put little value on any particular Bible. When Bibles were harder to come by people treasured them, they kept family records in them, they gave them places of honor in their homes, and they passed them from generation to generation.

Some of those Bibles had been struggled for, worked for, and highly protected and cared for as a result.

How much greater is the prize…when we finally come through the needle…once we’ve struggled through it?