Marriage is prostitution...repost

I was listening to a reformed preacher recently and heard something so shocking that I had to listen to it again. And again. I don’t know why it was shocking. It shouldn’t have been. But it was. And so I replayed the video not once but twice. I have a pretty good idea I will listen to the section of video where what he said shocked me…and prompted this post…again as I write this.

The concept is just so…beyond belief…that I can’t wrap my mind around it.

It isn’t that I have a hard time believing that there are people that think and feel the way he said, it’s that it is such a foreign concept to me that I can’t begin to fathom the idea of holding such a belief.

I even find myself having a hard time putting the concept here in black and white. You see this preacher spoke on marriage but it wasn’t marriage as I would define it. He said there are many women…feminists…that want to do away with the state of marriage. That part I could understand. Our society…our culture…even our world…has and is attacking the institution of marriage from just about every side imaginable. But this…. This belief held by some…maybe many…just baffled me.

It wasn’t just that they wanted to do away with marriage but the reason why they wanted to do away with it. It appears that there are some women that believe marriage is prostitution. In those that hold this belief they say the woman is owned by the man as his exclusive property. They claim that the man puts his name on his wife like a brand as if she’s livestock, that he keeps her as his own personal prostitute, engaging in sex with her at his will, and the only way to break this cycle is to get rid of marriage.

That concept is so foreign to me that I can’t even begin to fathom it. I was shocked when I heard him say there are women that believe that way and I’m still shocked now. It’s isn’t so much that there are some that believe that way that’s shocking. For me it’s the very notion of looking at marriage in such a derogatory way…and these women, I assume, not only see it that way but promote their beliefs to others and try and convince other women to believe the way they do.

The more I thought about women thinking of marriage this way, the more it bothered me. And so I decided to not only write about it but to do more research on it. An internet search proved that the preacher I listened to was right…not that I doubted him.

In the last few months the traditional view of marriage…the Biblical view of marriage…has come under so much attack that it’s been almost obliterated…or so they want us to believe. Marriage has been under attack for a very long time. So much so that we could almost say that marriage as the Lord designed it is an endangered species…except of course it isn’t a species. But it is endangered.

So hearing that anyone has spoken against…or attacked…marriage isn’t surprising. It wasn’t that someone spoke against it that shocked me, it was what they were saying about it, what they were likening it too.

Prostitution.

My mind just can’t wrap around that. The very word prostitution brings to mind a sin-filled, act where there is nothing but filth and money. It’s such a sickening institution that all I can see is the sexual immorality of it. It takes something that should be beautiful and right in the Lord’s eyes and makes it such an act of filthy sin that it is so far removed from the Biblical definition of marriage I can’t see any connection between the two.

So I did the research. I read the reasons, the examples, the reasonings. And still…it’s such a far reach for me that I can’t see the connection but at least I can see how they came to that reasoning…sort of.

The women (and probably some men) that hold to the belief that prostitution is marriage aren’t seeing it as the Lord defines it. They aren’t seeing what it is…or should be…and are instead putting their own ideas on what they believe it to be. Some of them are probably married, others probably have been, and some probably never have been nor will they ever be married. I have to think that for anyone holding such a view of marriage it would probably be best if they never married. Not for themselves but for the men they might marry.

Today, in our country, we see marriage as usually the result of a love so strong you want to spend your life…or at least part of it…with that person. It starts with that emotional attachment and become a relationship that should…let me stress that: Should….encompass so much of the husband and wives life that it isn’t simply a relationship, isn’t simply a role they have, but that it’s who they are.

Yes…I know that goes against everything our society teaches women to be. I’ve heard the statements about how a woman should know who she is apart from her husband and children. I’ve heard them but I don’t believe them.

When I was a kid my grandparents were well known in the town where we lived, they were well known in the surrounding towns. Not because they had a lot of money, not because they were a prominent family, but because they knew a lot of people. As a result of that my identity was often tied up in who my grandparents were. I could walk into just about any business and tell them I’m _______________ granddaughter and immediately I got different treatment. They knew who I was because they knew who my grandparents were.

I didn’t stop being me because I was their granddaughter. I was still me, still my own person, but I knew…even when I wasn’t making use of the position…that I was my grandparents granddaughter. And I knew that that relationship carried weight, it had merit. It opened doors for me that would never have been opened without that relationship.

I have that now with my husband. There are places I can go, people I have spoken to, that where I was just another unknown when I walked in the door, once they know who my husband is I become someone else. I’m no longer just me but I’m the wife of someone these people know. And it garners instant differential treatment.

I know that isn’t exactly what is being spoken against when women are told they should know who they are without their husband and children. That they should have an identity apart from their husband, apart from being mom to ______________. I don’t see it that way. My most important place in this world is as my husbands wife, as my children’s mother. I don’t need, and don’t want, an identity apart from that. That is who I am. It’s who I want to be.

            But there are those that would say who knows what about the fact that I feel that way.

            In reading about the concept that marriage is seen as prostitution I came across a number of ideas and views. I read in one article that marriage is seen as being ‘marriage is this’ but that by this person’s definition there is no ‘is’ in marriage because everyone’s marriage is different.

            That idea to me can only be true if you look at marriage in some way other than the way it’s defined in Scripture. We are told exactly what marriage is…in black and white…in Scripture. There is an ‘is’ in marriage when viewed through the eyes of Scripture but of course to hold to the belief that marriage in any way constitutes prostitution one can’t be looking at marriage through the eyes of Scripture.

            This same article had a long list of what marriage is based on ‘I have been told…’. What, I have to ask, does it matter what you’ve been told…no matter what you believe…about marriage? All we have to do is look around us to know that everyone holds different beliefs and views on things. My husband and I share many of the same beliefs and views but there are still things that we see differently.

            There are a number of things that I’ve heard about marriage that I wouldn’t want to even consider much less apply to my marriage. Ideas like…there’s no such thing as a happy marriage, marriage is hard work, people are happier single than married…  And who knows what else.

            This article went on to advise single people that there’s no such thing as marriage, there’s only a legal contract that gives certain legal rights and responsibilities. After that…supposedly…marriage is simply what you make it.

            This article did at least go on to dispute the idea that marriage is prostitution. Not only that but the author spoke of marriage as something they had committed to for life. That wasn’t the case with anything else I read.   

            There seemed to be a big distinction between wives that work and wives that are homemakers. Among what was defined as ‘legalized prostitution’…or what we call marriage…just how much ‘prostitution was happening seemed to be defined by whether or not the wife had an income of her own. The women that worked weren’t seen in quite the same way as those who don’t hold a paying job. I actually saw ‘women who are not financially dependent on any man.’ Just the way they worded that…any man…makes it sound like a bad thing.

            Apparently feminist theorists that have studied ‘sexual economics’…whatever that is…believe that all women have been prostitutes at some point in their life. The idea goes something like it’s only a matter of whether or not they’re a prostitute to one man, because they got married, or to many men. Not only that but apparently the women that ‘prostitute’ themselves through marriage receive poor pay for their work and are subject to being controlled to the point of not having control of their own lives and being abused. And all of this is supposedly a part of, or possibly a spin off from, the idea that marriage is slavery.

            In the things I read…which admittedly wasn’t much…it said that any marriage without love is nothing more than trading certain ‘favors’ for money under the respectability of marriage. But even at that…Scripture doesn’t tell us that love is a prerequisite to marriage. How many marriages in the Bible were began between a man and a woman that didn’t know each other prior to being married? We aren’t told that these marriages were any less honorable because the couple didn’t love each other. We aren’t told that the woman became a prostitute or a slave because she married a man she didn’t love. Love doesn’t seem to be the standard for which marriage is considered honorable.

            I know someone that admits to having married a man for the simple fact that she couldn’t support herself and her children. She has said many times that she didn’t love her husband, that she never loved him.

            Does that make the marriage any less of a marriage? Does her feelings for her husband negate what the marriage was?

            According to some of what I read that made this woman a legal prostitute. Nothing else.

            What therefore God has joined together…Mark 10:9

            I don’t see anywhere in Scripture where it defines the methods through which God joins a couple together. It doesn’t say that He joins them together through love. In fact Adam and Eve couldn’t have loved each other when they became husband and wife because they were married from before the moment they met. Eve was created for the purpose of being Adam’s wife. She was his wife before she was. Love, if it happened, came later.

            I’m in no way disregarding love in marriage. I’m just saying that I don’t see where it’s a prerequisite for biblical marriage.

            But there are those that say that a woman marrying for those reasons is simply selling herself to her husband, not only that but these same people say that all marital intercourse is rape. As I understand it rape becomes rape when the woman is an unwilling participant. How then can all marital intercourse be rape? Whether marriage is involved or not, most cases of intercourse involve a willing woman.

            In my research I read a comment by someone that takes the whole marriage is prostitution theory and turned it around to say a woman will become a prostitute for dinner and a movie. Others seemed to believe that money and possessions were the main reason women get married and therefore they were prostitutes.

            These comments weren’t the feminist theory but the beliefs held by the average person responding to articles where the theories were presented. Which shows the minds of people that may not be the activist type feminists. They are the ordinary people we encounter every day. Which shows that this is the view now commonly held by our society…or at least part of it…about marriage.

            Apparently everything a wife is can be summarized down to what she will do physically in return for the security of room and board. In other words she is what they used to call a kept woman where her only purpose is the physical satisfaction of her husband. Having children may or may not be part of that role. Her husband’s role is then, by default, nothing more than that of ‘keeper’ or bill payer.

            That isn’t how Scripture defines marriage.

            In order to get to the point of seeing marriage in any one way or another we need to go back to what marriage ‘is’. If, as that one article pointed out, marriage ceases to be anything particular once the legal contract is signed then we have no definition of what it actually is. In that case why couldn’t it be legal prostitution? If there is no this-is-what-marriage-is than there is no this-is-what-marriage-isn’t. And when we take out the what marriage ‘is’ and the what marriage ‘isn’t’ then it can be anything.

            We’ve seen that in the recent laws that have been enacted over marriage.

            Without the clear definition of what marriage ‘is’, we have no standard to refute what it isn’t or what it can’t be.

            Marriage can’t be prostitution, even when love isn’t involved, even when a woman admits to marrying only for money, because it IS marriage. And marriage has a distinction that removes the possibility of prostitution from the relationship. Even if a wife was constantly telling her husband ‘I’ll do this in exchange for that’ it still wouldn’t be prostitution. It would be wrong. It would be immoral. It would be…something. But it wouldn’t be prostitution. Because it would still be marriage. The physical act would still be happening within the bounds of marriage.

            And anytime marriage as defined by the Bible is there…prostitution isn’t. Marriage by Biblical definition is an institution created and brought about by God. In every single marriage that ever happens. What God has brought together. It doesn’t get any plainer than that. God brought them together. They are joined in marriage…a relationship that comes not only with certain legal rights and responsibilities, but with God given rights and responsibilities.

            By Biblical definition marriage is the union between one man and one woman…

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

Joined together so that they are no longer one person but two…

and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '?6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Matthew 19:5-6

For life…

What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6

That is what marriage ‘is’. It is…and should be…the definition through which we look at marriage. It should be the high standard for which we view all of marriage. It is a union created by God in the garden of Eden…

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:22-23

            In this we see that the woman…the wife…wasn’t just made to be a wife but she was…and is…literally a part of her husband. She was made from his body. This was the first marriage, it was the marriage where God literally presented the wife to her husband. She was made for him…from him…and handed over to him. It was God ordained then…without the benefit of love between the couple…and it is God ordained today, with or without love.

            It doesn’t become marriage without it being…what God has joined together.

            That is the basis of what marriage ‘is’. There is a definite defining of what it is and what it should be. If we look further into Scripture we see more of what marriage is beyond the very basics.

            Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.  Hebrews 13:4


            We are told that marriage should be honorable among all. There’s no distinction for how the marriage came to be or the feelings between the couple. We are just told that marriage is to be held in honor. It’s an honorable state. Not only that but we’re told that the marriage bed is to be undefiled. Any form of prostitution would defile the marriage bed, it wouldn’t be honorable in any way. How then, can marriage in any way be likened to Biblical marriage? 


            Scripture also gives us other insights into what a marriage should be…

 

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

 

Other versions say that a wife is a gift from the Lord. She is a gift…it doesn’t say she’s a possession, a slave, or a prostitute. And it doesn’t define how the marriage came to be or why either the man or the woman entered into the marriage. It simply says that she is a favor, or a gift, from the Lord. I can’t imagine a prostitute ever being a gift, or a favor. Even if she was sent to a man as a gift what she’s bringing, what she’s offering isn’t the kind of gift I envision when I read this verse.

To me this verse is saying that a wife is a gift from the Lord, she’s something special given…or entrusted…to him. As I think of that verse, among others, I think of how some see men as branding their wives with their names as if they are livestock. And I think of my own marriage. My husband never asked me to take his name, never said I had to, never even mentioned it. I WANTED to take his name. For me, taking my husband’s name was a part of the marriage. It was part of the sacred union that I entered into…willingly…with him. By taking his name I was announcing to all that I belong to him, much the way wearing a wedding ring announces that I belong to my husband.

It wasn’t about being branded as the feminists described it. It was about becoming one…completely…with my husband. I think of how people used to refer to a woman as Mrs. And her husband’s name. She was completely within his identity at that moment. She didn’t have the distinction of her own name, of her own person. Who she was was completely wrapped up within her husband. She was referred to as the female part of the husband. He was her identity.

That practice has long been set aside but when I think of it…I think of how it should be. Woman was created for man. The first woman was literally made from her husband’s body. She was not only his, but her identity was in him. Because he was…she was.

Being a wife wasn’t a role she played. It wasn’t like saying she was a teacher or a waitress. It was the very identity of who she was. She was first and foremost her husbands wife. Then came all her other roles.

And the Lord says she was a gift to her husband.

I see no slavery in that. I see no prostitution. When I think of being the Lord’s gift to my husband… it makes me realize just how important my role as wife is. As a gift to my husband I know that I have been entrusted to him by my Lord.

That places me in a position where I’m not ‘just’ my husband’s wife but where I ‘get’ to be his wife. It’s an honor. It’s precious. It’s priceless.

Scripture goes on to better define our roles as husband and wife. Ephesians 5 tells me how to act as a wife and my husband how to act as a husband. It defines the love and respect that should be between us, not just in thought but in deed. Ephesians 5:33 summarizes it…

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. 


If that isn’t enough 1 Peter 3:7 shows us how to live that out…


Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 


That verse is directed to the husband but for me it shows a lot of what the marital relationship should be. It tells my husband how he should treat me…with understanding and honor…but it also shows me where my place in the marriage is. I’m the weaker vessel but by Scripture that is an honorable place to be. I’m not ‘just a wife’, I’m not a ‘legal prostitute’. I’m an heir of the grace of life with my husband.


As a wife…I might belong to my husband…but it isn’t in a degrading ‘prostitution’ or ‘slave’ sort of way. It’s in an honorable way. I was a gift given to him by the Lord, created for the purpose of being my husband’s wife, and it is an honor to be his wife. If sharing my husband’s name is a brand he ‘put’ on me…it’s a brand I gladly wear. If my husband owns me…I willingly give him the right to do so. 


Quite honestly I want to belong to my husband. I want him to know that I am his and his alone, that he has exclusive rights to me. 


My marriage in no way looks or feels like the feminist definition of marriage as ‘legal prostitution’. It is a precious union that I willingly entered into and it’s an honorable union that I’m happy to be a part of.

 

 

 

 

The dream world they live in

A few days ago we had to seek shelter from a storm that was threatening to deliver tornado's to our area. I found myself, along with my family, in the midst of a large crowd in a public store. Due to the storm everyone in the store was moved to a central location where we all stood around hearing nothing but an occasional grumble of thunder and knowing nothing of what was going on outside.

It was actually kind of a strange experience, standing there surrounded by strangers, hiding out from a dangerous storm but unable to see or hear any signs of the storm. I've spent many years living in tornado alley and have passed more hours than I care to think of hiding from severe storms, all of which I was well aware of the storm raging because it can be heard. That wasn't the case on this most recent experience.

But it's not the storm or even the time we stood there waiting for whatever might come next that has me writing this today. No, it was something that happened as we hurried toward the center of the store and two other unrelated things that has me writing today.

As we, and everyone in the store, made our way to the designated place when that storm raged around the store, there was a man that was making his way to the same place we were. In fact there were a lot of people hurrying through the store just as we were, trying to reach the safest area of the store while someone kept announcing over the loudspeaker that everyone needed to seek shelter in that part of the store.

So there we were, a sea of people, strangers, all flowing in the same direction, seeking shelter from something that might or might not prove to be a horrible experience, and I found myself surrounded by a handful of kids and this one man. The man was talking to no one and to everyone all at the same time, saying something to the effect of 'it's okay. Don't worry. God's got this.' He was kind of just repeating it over and over and then he addressed the kids saying, 'God won't let anything happen to us. Right, kids?'

I have no idea if what he was saying was reassuring to anyone or not. None of the kids answered him, in fact no one answered him. Everyone was just focused on what they were doing.

I, on the other hand, was hearing all that he was saying in a in-one-ear-and-out-the-other kind of way. That is until he said that bit about God won't let anything happen to us "right, kids?". I suppose I should have just let that pass too but without thought or intent I responded with, ''don't count on it. There are plenty of people He let things happen to."

I have no idea if the man heard me or not, no idea if the kids heard me. It was just something I said without thinking about whether or not I should say it but as I said it I thought of the apostles that God let something happen to, of the two people that were killed not very long ago in another storm. Later I wondered if any of the people that God appointed to die at a less than peaceful and perfect time ever thought 'God won't let anything happen to us."

And so that moment passed. Just a brief span of time. The storm came and went with little effect and the days moved on. I didn't even tell my husband about that brief experience in the midst of our seeking shelter from a storm. It was just one of those moments that happens and life makes it seem less than important.

But then...

Yesterday my husband told me about a conversation he had with someone. It was one of those idealic Arminian conversations where someone believes so strongly in what they are saying but they are overlooking what Scripture says to hold to that belief. Someone had recently told my husband that someone else just needed to live for God. For that person, and so many more, that seems to be such a simple statement. Just live for God.

It's the general thought process taught in most 'churches'. The belief held by most 'christians'.

Just live for God.

So simple.

So easy.

Nothing to it. Right?

Right?

If it's that simple...why aren't more people, more 'christians' doing that very thing? Why aren't they denying themselves and living for God in such a way that our country, our world, isn't what it is now?

The conversation my husband had went right along with one I had with a relative not all that long ago. It's was another of those just choose God/Jesus type conversations.

It's such a simple solution. And I fully agree that Christ is the answer. So...why is it that so many can't just make that simple choice to live for God or choose Jesus? Why do so many struggle with issues that shouldn't even be an issue at all?

Not long ago I saw a snippet of a televised preacher talking about how 'you' are struggling so hard with some issue in 'your' life that you can't seem to handle at the moment, of how that issue will most likely be forgotten by next year, maybe even tomorrow, but it's an issue God is not struggling with at all.

I suppose there was more to that speech but I didn't hear it. What I do know is that what I heard fits right in with my experience in the storm and with the two conversations my husband and I had recently. It's a 'God's got this' kind of speech.

But the problem with all of these things is that each one is nothing more than a delusion, people living in  a dream world.

Yes, 'God's got this'.

Yes, we should 'live for God' or rather Christ.

But...

What about the verses that say things like:

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him...1 Corinthians 7:17

Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass... Job 14:5-7


Does not the potter have the right to make from the same lump of clay one vessel for special occasions and another for common use? 22What ifGod, intending to show His wrath and make His power known, bore with great patience the vessels of His wrath, prepared for destruction? Romans 9:21-22

So in order for one to take comfort in 'God won't let anything happen to us' means one must disregard all of human life and history that shows that 'God HAD this...whatever this might be...from the very beginning and He chose to save some and to not save some. One must also disregard that God ordained our days before we were born, he appointed our time on earth and our time to die, including the way we will go. One must live in the dream world that 'God' has the sole purpose of saving us from everything. 

And the idea that one must only choose Jesus or live for God is just as much of a dream world because one must disregard the Scriptures to do so. There are so many Scriptures that prove one simply can't chose to live for God but let's just go with the three above. If God has assigned each to their life...how can one chose to live for God if God doesn't assign them to do so? How would a person make that choice and then proceed to do what God himself has not ordained? And if the Potter does what He wants with the clay...then how can the clay simply choose to be something other than what the Potter makes them to be? How can they chose to live for God if God Himself has created them for destruction?

The only way is if they are living in a dream world of their own making. They choose the comforting side of 'christianity', making it what they want it to be rather than what it really is.

Sometimes though...sometimes I think they are best left in their comforting dream world. Had God not chosen to spare those in that store as we hid from that storm than it was probably best that that man believed 'God won't let anything happen to us' with his very last breath and that he gave his delusional comfort to the kids around him so that they, too, might find comfort in his dream.

Prescription for marriage...repost

I once read a book about a couple that reunited after many years of not seeing each other. Their reunion took place in Las Vegas where after spending several days together they married. The following morning the marriage fell apart when the new husband informed his new wife that he loved another woman and wanted to marry her.

That was fiction. It was the base for a book that was written with the purpose of entertainment. Sadly though all too many marriages today come too close to resembling that fictional marriage.

I’ve heard of people that marry simply because they want to have an intimate relationship with the person they’re involved in and for whatever reason…good as it may be…they don’t want that kind of relationship without marriage. On the surface that reasoning might sound good…or good enough, the problem is what happens under the surface…or once the newness of that intimate relationship wears off. People that marry only for that reason then get a divorce and move on to the next thing in their life…usually the next relationship. Which probably means another marriage destined for divorce.

In cases like that, they are much like the fictional couple in the book I read so long ago. They marry for the moment, enjoy the moment…however long it lasts…then divorce. Marriage never had any true meaning or purpose in either of those situations.

I’ve heard it said many times that marriage is under attack by Satan. I even had a friend once tell me that Satan destroyed Adam and Eve’s marriage. The implication from that is that every marriage since Adam and Eve has been a testing ground…a battlefield…for Satan. My friend didn’t say that. It’s my own addition to what she said, using what I’ve heard so many others say.

I can’t see anywhere in Scripture where Adam and Eve’s marriage was destroyed. That they sinned…yes. That they were punished and removed from the garden of Eden…yes. That their marriage was destroyed…no. In fact we actually see that after their banishment from the garden Adam and Eve were still together.

And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” ²³ So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. Genesis 3:23-24 NIV

Almost immediately after that we are shown that far from being destroyed Adam and Eve’s marriage was still strong.

Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” ² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Genesis 4:1-2 NIV

We can clearly see in Scripture that Adam and Eve’s marriage survived the fall. But regardless of what happened to Adam and Eve’s marriage…marriage today has many, many problems.

Is it any wonder that marriage in a fallen world should be filled with troubles? Despite the fact that somewhere between 70%-90% of American’s claim to be ‘Christians’ statistics in so many areas prove otherwise.

Marriage is just one of those places.

I don’t know what the real number of Christians in America is. Because of the way ‘Christians’ are lumped together it’s impossible to get anywhere close to an accurate number of true Christianity in America…or the world. But it’s easy to see by Scripture that many of those claiming Christianity are…

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Matthew 15:18 NIV

If so many unsaved…unregenerate…even reprobate people are having any kind of encounter with marriage…is it any wonder that marriage is in the state it’s in today?

Even the way our nation describes marriage...as an institution…gives us a very good idea of how marriage is seen. It’s not labeled as the relationship of marriage. It is the institution of marriage.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines institution as:

an established organization

a place where an organization takes care of people for a usually long period of time

a custom, practice, or law that is accepted and used by many people

I can’t begin to place my marriage into those terms. The relationship I have with my husband is not an established organization. It’s not a place where an organization takes care of people. The closest I could come to using one of those definitions to describe my relationship with my husband would be the last one…a custom, practice, or law that is accepted and used by many people.

Marriage is a custom that is accepted and used by many people. It is a practice that’s accepted and used by many people. And there are marriage laws that are accepted and practiced by many people.

And still…

My relationship with my husband…my very marriage with my husband…does not fit that definition except by the world’s standards.

The reason my marriage does not fit that definition is because of how the world sees marriage. Marriage is…what…in the world’s eyes? A relationship between two consenting people that enter into a legal contract to live together until they chose to dissolve the contract?

Many marriages today do fit that definition. My husband and I didn’t marry under a legal contract, we have one now, but we married through a covenant with our Lord. There was no institutionalizing of our marriage. The only reason we have a legal marriage was to gain the legal acknowledgement of our marriage. And that legalization of our marriage came after our covenant marriage.

A covenant that represented what marriage is in Scripture.

This year marked a turning point in American marriage with the institution of same sex marriage. That law went further to completely redefine what marriage is. But that isn’t the only attack on the changing idea of what marriage is. Long before same sex marriage was made legal it was considered acceptable for people to live together without marriage.

When my mother was a young girl her grandparents legally took her and her brothers away from my grandmother because my grandmother lived with a man without being married to him. There was no other factor involved in my grandmother losing her children. The only thing she did wrong was to live with a man she wasn’t married too.

In our modern world the very idea of that is inconceivable. There are very few people in our country today, even among Christians, that would consider taking children from parents who live together without the benefit of marriage.

In fact is those that live together without marrying may well outnumber those that are married. And if we factor in all other aspects of what is labeled as ‘marriage’ it’s quite possible that those in biblical marriages may well be in a minority.

I saw a news article several years ago about a couple that is in what they called an open marriage, meaning both the husband and wife were free to have relationships with anyone they wanted, in whatever form they wanted to have them. I remember reading that article because when I saw the headline I had no idea what an open marriage was. That article went so far as to say open marriages would most likely become the norm because so many people wanted marriage but they wanted the freedom to engage in other relationships also.

If I remember correctly it gave statistics for the number of marriages that end because of adultery and how having an open marriage removes the need for adultery. There can be no adultery…said the article…when you’re free to engage in any relationship you want.

Marriage in that case becomes…what?

I can’t even begin to figure that out. In a so-called open marriage, by that articles definition, marriage would remove the commitment that comes with marriage…or should come with marriage. Except I can see how those that support the concept of open marriage might say that commitment is still there. I can even imagine how they might argue that the couple are more committed to each other than if they had a traditional marriage.

Truly the idea is mind boggling. And it shows the lengths to which the human heart has gone to allow for the fulfillment of their own desires.

There are even people that question not only what the purpose of marriage is but whether or not it even has a purpose. The ability to have children is no longer the purpose for marriage…at least not by the world’s standards. According to studies done in 2012 more than half of all children born were born to single mothers.

According to an article I read in a ‘Christian’ magazine many couples say they don’t know why they’re together. They admit that there is no purpose to their marriage.

If our world no longer sees a purpose for marriage…what does that say?

The same article in that ‘Christian’ magazine stated that most married people are unhappy. I’ve seen that played out in just about every marriage I’ve encountered. Even among those that seem to be happy…they aren’t usually.

All marriages will have problems. I’m not doubting that. It’s impossible for any two people to have any kind of relationship without there arising problems sooner or later. Even the most superficial friendships will…if they continue long enough…have problems.

I am one of those people that will tell anyone I’m very happy in my marriage. I take great joy in my husband. I enjoy his company. I value his input. I treasure him.

But I would also like to point out that there are no other relationships we will ever have that we will be asked ‘are you happy’ in that relationship? When was the last time you heard someone ask a mother if she was ‘happy in her mother/child relationship’? When has any adult child been asked if they’re happy in their relationship with their parent? What about a friendship? Or a role as neice or nephew? How about a relationship with a sibling?

We may be asked if we’re close to family members, if we have a good relationship with them, but I’ve never heard anyone ask if we’re happy in those relationships. Why is it that the world expects to be happy in marriage but not in any other relationship?

Why is it that we can divorce our husband or wife but we never consider divorcing our parents or siblings? There are many adult children that do not speak to their parents. There are many siblings that never see each other. I have a sister I haven’t seen in twenty years. I haven’t talked to her in almost that long. It wasn’t through my choice, I would love to have contact with her, but it wasn’t to be.

But still…we don’t divorce our siblings.

Granted the laws regarding siblings and spouses are different. Not only can I not replace my siblings should I chose to but if I could…I could have as many siblings as I wanted. There is no law against the number of siblings we can have. But most people have no desire to divorce their siblings.

Maybe the fact that we don’t have to live with them once we’re grown has something to do with that. Or maybe it’s simply that society doesn’t generally say it’s okay for siblings to divorce one another. You are siblings through birth. It’s a relationship you have that is simply there. And it’s expected to stay there no matter what happens throughout your life.

The same happens in a parent/child relationship. How many parents stand behind and support adult children even when they strongly disapprove of that child’s lifestyle? But the same person might very well divorce a spouse should they do less than that adult child is doing.

I read a while back about a woman that’s married to a prisoner. Her husband is in prison for I don’t know what reason. She said she tells people that she and her husband are separated because people understand that where they don’t understand why she would stay married to a man in prison.

It’s so easy for those in our society to accept marital separation and even divorce but they can’t understand a wife staying with her husband through a prison sentence.

And because it’s so easy for our society to accept divorce…it’s so easy to attain. It almost seems as if it’s expected somehow. With every question of ‘are you happy in your marriage’…is the person being asked that question not being…set up…to think of whether or not they are satisfied in marriage?

Why would anyone even ask such a question?

Because society has allowed the mindset that we should be happy in our marriage while it ignores the fact that marriage is a commitment that should be upheld whether or not happiness is involved.

Asking a married person if they’re happy with their marriage is much like asking if they’re happy with their restaurant meal? Are you happy with that order? Does it work for you? Is everything done to your liking?

I don’t for a minute doubt that there are people that are truly miserable in their marriage. There are people that are in real danger in their marriage. But asking a married person or in any way implying that they should consider if they’re happy in their marriage sets them up for the idea that if they aren’t married they should do something.

That would be fine if the something that came to mind was figuring out how to fix the problems in their marriage but all too often the something that comes to mind is divorce. It’s the idea that if you aren’t happy with what you have you should trade it in for something better. Get a new one. You’ll be happy with it.

Much the way we trade in an old car for a new one.

As I write this I can’t help thinking of a neighbor I once had. I know nothing of this neighbor’s marriage except what little I saw and the whole lot I heard from her. Each time she and I spoke she would tell me of all her husband’s shortcomings. I’m sure he had many…we all do…but according to his wife he had nothing but shortcomings.

Had someone asked that wife if she was happy in her marriage, most likely she would have said no. Whether she would have said it or not, she sure gave the impression of being unhappy in her marriage. But I can’t help thinking that she brought some of that misery on herself. She wanted something other than what she had.

The grass was greener on the other side of the fence and there appeared to be nothing good about what she had.

And there came the expectation that she should be ‘happy’ in her marriage.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be happy in our marriages. We should be. The Lord didn’t create marriage as a way of making us miserable. As I said earlier I’m very happy in my marriage. What I’m speaking against is the belief that married people should ever be questioned on whether or not they’re happy in marriage when we don’t question people on whether they’re happy in any other relationship they have.

In that ‘Christian’ magazine I read it questioned how many truly happy married people the reader knew. Not only that but it went further to question if the reader was truly happy in their marriage. Then it informed them that statistics say they probably are not.

Not only did that writer…that ‘Christian’…question whether or not the reader was happily married…they informed them that they probably weren’t. They put the idea into the readers head that most likely they were unhappy with their marriage.

Why?

What purpose can possibly be served by not only asking if someone is happy in their marriage but in turning around and all but telling them they aren’t. The implication there is that whether or not the person thinks they’re happy…chances are they aren’t.

Why would any ‘Christian’ take such a stance?

Why would they imply such a thing?

I’ve written a lot about whether or not people are happy in marriage in this post. That wasn’t my intention but it’s the turn this post has taken…but I’m not for a minute implying that anyone’s marriage is unhappy. I admit there are people that are very unhappy in marriage. I admit there are people whose marriages could be better defined as misery. But I’m not about to imply that anyone is unhappy in marriage.

Every marriage is created by the Lord…

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:9 ESV

Marriage is not a legal contract that we can expect to enter into and dissolve based on our personal happiness. It’s a commitment that shouldn’t be entered into lightly and it’s a relationship that we should stand beside whether we are ‘happy’ or not.

That said…marriage should be a happy union. We should enjoy our marriages. We should enjoy our husbands or wives. But we shouldn’t fall prey to the world’s belief that we need to be happy in our marriage or do…something about it.

The Lord created marriage to be a blessing. It’s a union that He designed for His purposes.

But the world would lead us to believe that there is little to no purpose marriage. Marriage has become the subject of many derogatory jokes. Many a woman has likened her husband to raising a child. Being married has been called the equivalent of being in prison. I have a relative that says being a wife turns you into a man’s slave. Many people seem to share at least something of that opinion believing that they are giving up their freedom if they marry.

There are people that say they made the worst mistake of their lives within days of marrying.

All these different thoughts, beliefs, and ideas are all ingrained in the American mindset. Even among Christians. It’s impossible to escape our society’s opinion on marriage. There are plenty of ‘Christian’ counselors, preachers, and leaders willing to help save the ‘christian’ marriage through books, tapes, and counseling.

The ‘Christian’ and the secular world alike churn out ‘helpful’ programs and books designed to help the unhappily married become happily married. In that ‘Christian’ magazine they offered a book that implied if you would but follow that man’s ways in your marriage you wouldn’t wind up one of the 50% of married couples that become enemies through divorce. If ‘you’ will only follow his ‘prescription’ for marriage it will ‘heal’ whatever is wrong.

There is a prescription for marriage but it doesn’t lie in the teachings of any man. It lies within the pages of Scripture.