My husband's blessing...repost

Several months back I wrote a post called Love is kind. It came about from something a friend of mine said…it was her motto for the year. It was what she was trying to teach her children. And it was something I tried to adopt for myself.

Today…I want to take that a little bit further. Right now I’m writing…again…on marriage. My husband tells me I should write as the Spirit leads me and it seems I’m often led back to the same things.

What if we woke up every morning with the determination to…be a blessing to our husband?

How would our day go if in everything we did we simply tried to be a blessing to him? More importantly…how would his day go?

If somehow…someway…all of your marriage was removed but the ability to write to your husband…and your husband may or may not be able to write back.

What kind of wife would you be? What kind of wife could you be?

If the only part of your marriage that you had was what you could put on paper and send to him…with no expectations of receiving anything in return…what kind of wife could you be?

In a situation like that a wife would be left with only what she could imagine. If marriage for some reason... and there are marriages that this happens too…went from the day to day life of being married to being something totally different, where only small amounts of communication are left…what kind of wife could you be?

What would you want to say to your husband?

What would you want to do for him?

How would you paint a picture of all that you wanted to say and share…with only the words you could put on paper.

I read something a while back about a woman that as a child loved to look at old love letters her grandpa had written to her grandmother. She remembered that stack of letters and how special they were. I don’t know the details behind why ‘grandma’ got those letters from ‘grandpa’ but it could well have been that he was at war or some other major event that took him far from home.

How very important might those letters have been to ‘grandma’ at the time that she received them? They obviously meant enough to her that she kept them for years and years.

I’m going to fill in the story for ‘grandma’ and ‘grandpa’ here based off my own imagination…because I need the example. I don’t know that what I’m about to write is true…it’s just and example of what might have happened.

Suppose ‘grandpa’ was sent off to war…a young man, married only a short time. He’s young and afraid, far from home, missing his wife. He writes her as often as he can and receives letters when mail can get through. Each letter brings him news from home but more importantly it brings him the words…the voice, if you will…of his wife.

Maybe he sees her in his mind as he reads each letter. Maybe he hears her voice as he reads and rereads the words she wrote. Maybe he traces her handwriting because it brings back memories of the grocery list she keeps on the counter.

Whatever ‘grandpa’ does and feels as he reads ‘grandma’s’ letters…whether ‘grandma’ knew it or not when she wrote that letter….this was her chance. It was her chance to be a wife when all the other roles she had as wife were gone. This…this letter…is her only chance to be a wife.

It is her only chance to be a blessing to her husband.

Tomorrow may never come. She may never get the chance to be the kind of wife she once was to the husband she loves…and she did love him because she kept his letters for who knows how many years. That letter that she took the time to write and mail may have been her only chance to be a blessing to her husband.

What stories did she tell him of their children? What news did she write him from home? How much love did she put into each letter?

I don’t know that ‘Grandma’ wrote any letters to ‘Grandpa’ or that he was even away from home when he wrote to her. For all I know the letters that ‘grandma’ saved all those years may have been letters that he left on her pillow every Monday morning or slipped into the freezer for her to find as she fixed dinner.

But…what if a letter was the only way you could be a wife?

How much would it mean?

If everything else was taken away…that letter would become your source of contact…your only way to be a blessing to your husband.

Most of us don’t have that experience. Most of us have day after day with our husbands. We have the chance to be the kind of wife they want and need every single day. But what if we woke up each morning with the single goal of being a blessing to our husband? What if every contact we had with him was done with the memory of that goal?

Would we deliver his cup of coffee with a smile instead of frowning over the mess the children made in the kitchen? Would we stand and talk to him instead of sitting the cup down and hurrying back to clean up the mess?

Would we rub his shoulders when he comes in from work? Would we set aside dinner preparations for the time it takes to sit on the porch with him and just talk? What would it matter if dinner was late…or even if everyone ate cereal for dinner?

How different would our day be if we set out to make this day the day we were a blessing to our husbands? How different would we treat him if we thought of today as all we have? How different would we act if we imagined what we were doing right now was our only source of contact with our husband and we needed to show him…right now…in this moment…with this act…how very much he means to us?

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Proverbs 31:28

Is your smile not more of a blessing than your frown? A few months ago my husband and I were walking in our yard and out of the blue he asked me if I was upset. I wasn’t upset about anything so I asked him why he thought I was. He replied by telling me that I was frowning. I wasn’t upset but I was thinking about something that was going on with one of our children and apparently it was affecting the expression on my face.

In that moment I was physically present with my husband but mentally absent. That’s normal, it happens often in day to day life. Sometimes there are things that take our mental attention even when our physical presence is elsewhere.

But that day it was a reminder to me that what I was thinking about wasn’t as important as the time I was spending with my husband and after sharing the reason for my frown with my husband I deliberately set the problem aside. It wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait until later…and in fact wasn’t anything I could do about beyond think.

Instead of spending that time thinking on that problem, I focused my attention on my husband and the time we had together.

I have no idea if my husband was aware of what I did that day. I don’t know if he realized that I chose to be 100% with him instead of worrying over other things. It wasn’t my intention for him to know what I was doing…it was my intention to focus my time and thoughts on him. I didn’t need him to be aware of what I did or why I did it. I just needed to do it. There was no motive beyond the realization that I had that moment with my husband and I wanted to ‘have’ that moment with him.

How many times do we give up those moments with our husbands for the thoughts and worries that take our attention?

When (if) ‘grandma’ wrote to ‘grandpa’ while he was away at war…where do you suppose her attention was as she sat with pen in hand showing her husband what life was like while he was away? Have you ever tried to write a letter about one thing while thinking about another? It’s a pretty difficult…if not impossible…task. Chances are ‘grandma’ gave her entire focus to writing the letter she penned to ‘grandpa.’

Depending on what she said, and the words she used, chances are she blessed ‘grandpa’ with the letters she wrote. Simply because she gave that letter her full attention and she most likely tried hard to share whatever she felt he needed or wanted to hear.

Not all that long ago my husband sent me an email letting me know how a meeting had gone. I could tell from what he said that he was disappointed with the outcome of that meeting. I was too. But I didn’t dwell on my own thoughts. I quickly replied to him, encouraging him with my words. In that moment…that was what he needed from me as his wife. That was how I could bless him…in that moment.

I didn’t need to worry about anything else that was going on in life around me…I needed to be what my husband needed.

How many times as we go through our days…days that turn into weeks, weeks that become months, months that slip into years…do we take the time to be what our husbands need…right then? Do we remember that something as small as a smile or an encouraging word can be a blessing? Sometimes your very presence is a blessing.

If we set out each day to be a blessing to our husband in each moment that we have…oh, how the days would be different.

I have many roles in life…mother, daughter, grandmother, sister…but I am also wife. And as a wife…I want to be my husbands blessing.

Suffer together...repost

A while back I did some research into prison life. In doing so I came across statistics that say that more than 90% of all married couples that go through any prison incarceration will divorce. Those are staggering statistics but not all that hard to understand. If one thinks of the roughly 50% overall rate of divorce, is it any surprise that a couple experiencing the extreme stresses of prison would have a higher than average rate of divorce?

And although I can't say those statistics are shocking, sad, yes, upsetting, yes, but not shocking, I can say the statistics I came across today are shocking. According to statistics held by the CDC, the number of children with disabilities is on the rise. No surprise there, we've been hearing that for years. What was surprising is the fact that along with the rise of children with disabilities has come the rise of divorce among parents of children with disabilities.

I can state from first hand experience that raising a special needs child is different than raising a so-called normal child. Those special needs bring extra work, extra medical needs, extra therapy, extra hours and hours of attention from the parent, and extra stress on the parent. There are days when just surviving the minute takes more effort than you have. There are days when you sit and cry because there's nothing left to be done. There are days when all hope is lost, when you flounder for a way to help your child. And there are days of extreme joy and gratitude.

All those things combine together to create more stresses in the parents life because the special needs of their child rule their world. Everything they do must be weighed against the needs of their child. Many times they will ask themselves if it's better to do without milk or have to take their child to the grocery store. Many family experiences will center around trips for medical care. Day to day life is restructured to work around the needs of that child. And all relationships are experienced or endured by the parent based off who they are as that special needs child's parent. Your actions and reactions often stem from who you become as a parent of a special needs child. You see the world through new, different eyes, and you see relationships through those same eyes. All relationships.

I understand how and why a child with a disability...and by the way ADHD is classified as a disability, so is asthma, so is autism...would take a toll on the parents marriage, what I can't understand is how 90% of those parents divorce. When you live in the midst of extreme stress and trial, you need someone that understands, someone that is there for you when the day ends. Facing those stresses and trials alone is so much harder. Sometimes you need someone to hold you while you cry. Parents may be the only safe place their special needs child has but unless those parents have each other where is there safe place? Grandma and Grandpa will never fully understand what Mom and Dad face each day. Auntie and Uncle don't understand. The neighbors don't. I can only imagine the added anguish of a difficult marriage or divorce in the midst of all the hurt and stress of daily life with a disabled child. But statistics say that 9 out of 10 parents with a disabled child face just such anguish.

Yesterday I encountered a woman that spoke of having watched a video that showed husbands go off for the military. This woman talked of how that video brought back all of her own pain and anguish of having said goodbye to her husband, of having sent him off to military. I never sent my husband to the military but I have had to say good bye. I fully understood the pain this woman spoke of. I relived my own experience leading up to telling my husband good bye and of those final moments. I felt the pain again of that last good bye before we would be separated. I hurt as that woman told her story. Hurt for her and what she went through because as she told her experience I relived my own, feeling what she was putting into words, not because she worded it so well, although she did, but because I had experienced exactly what she spoke of first hand.

That separation, both mine and my husbands, and that ladies and her husband's were stresses in our marriages. They created problems that did not exist before one spouse had to be away. They created pain that did not exist before. There was anguish at the separation. But I can say, at least in my case, that even in the midst of the pain, in the separation, my husband was my safe place. He was the one I shared my hurt with. He was the one I shared the pain with. And surprisingly enough, or maybe not so surprisingly, he was the one that made the pain better, even if he had to do it from a distance.

The woman whose story I heard, whose story reminded me of my own pain at being away from my husband, showed me something too. In that woman's story, a story I felt because I had been there even if for a different reason, was the story of a woman that agonized over being away from her husband. I don't know what the divorce rate is among military marriages but I've seen enough things to lead me to believe that it might have a slightly higher rate than the average, although I really don't know. I have seen programs for married couples offering them free marital counseling once the deployed spouse comes home. I have also seen programs that offer free vacations to amazing locations to military couples after one of them has been deployed. So the stress must be high. And maybe the divorce rate too.

But even if the divorce rate is the regular, average, American divorce rate...well, statistics tell us that the odds are against them. Add any stress into those already horrible odds and they just decline from there, or skyrocket, depending on how you look at it.

I read an article by a disabled lady. In her article she wrote of her desire to be married and of her very low chances of actually getting married. She used the CDC's statistics on marriages that involve a disabled child to support her belief that there is little chance she will ever marry. I have no idea if she is right or not. It would seem that a disability would take away some of her options for marriage but I have seen couples that married despite one of them being disabled.

Not all that long ago I had a conversation with a family member about how there was a time in history when disabled people were hidden away in asylums because 'normal' people didn't want to have to be around them. About 17 years ago I met an older woman that told me she had one child, well, she said, I had two but... And there she began telling me of how she had had a daughter born with disabilities, I don't remember what but she told me what her daughter had been born with, and then she told me of how she had another daughter, I think, three years later. The second daughter was healthy and had no disabilities. The woman and her husband put the older daughter in an institution, yes, she used that word, because they didn't feel it would be fair to the younger daughter to be raised with a sister with disabilities.

I have never forgotten that conversation. At the time I was shocked to hear that they had given away one child to be 'fair' to the other. Today, when I remember that woman's story, I am still shocked. I can't fathom such a thing and yet I know it happens.

I have to ask...why?

Why would a parent put a very young child into an institution to save their other child from being raised with their sibling? Why would parents divorce over a child with disabilities? Why would couples divorce over forced separations?

Sin and selfishness are the answers that come to mind. But as I think on those situations, I also think of something else. It falls into selfishness but I think it may deserve a category of its own. It is the inability, or unwillingness, to suffer, or go through hardship, for someone else, with someone else. In times past, people with disabilities were hidden away in asylum's. Why? To save those that were 'normal' from having to deal with them. I'm sure there were a million different reasons why a person was placed in an asylum then. But I am also certain that social stigma played a good part in those decisions. Disabilities weren't always seen the way they are today.

And while the way people with disabilities are viewed may have improved...the way marriage is viewed has become atrocious. I read something once, I have no idea where, that many people today marry just to make their affairs legitimate. They have no intention of staying in those marriages. They fully plan to divorce just as soon as that marriage is no longer fun or as soon as the next person comes along that catches their attention. And as shocking as that is, I'm not sure that divorce rate among parents of disabled children isn't more shocking. What makes those divorces happen? Does one parent not want the stress of raising their child? Do the parents simply become so caught up in caring for the child that they fall apart? Statistics say that 90% of marriages with a disabled child end in divorce. With an average divorce rate of 50% that means that at least four out of ever ten marriages where there is a disabled child may end in divorce as a direct result of having a disabled child. Prison marriages have a slightly higher than 90% divorce rate, putting them at just over 4 out of every ten marriages ending as a direct result of prison.

With statistics like that, marriage has become a throw away relationship. Where marriage was once seen as special, where divorce was once rarely ever heard of, and when it was there was a social stigma attached, divorce is almost like a badge of honor today. I recently saw a list circulating on social media. This list was a list of things accomplished in one's life. I never looked at the entire list, the beginning of the list was more than enough to turn me away. This list placed 'fall in love', 'get married', and 'get divorced', all in a line up, making get divorced look like some kind of accomplishment. It's just one more thing to do, and expect to do, in a person's life.

Another shocking statistic is that 75% of marriages where one spouse has a chronic illness ends in divorce. So much for the 'in sickness and in health' part of marriage. It would seem that, when it comes to marriage at least, people aren't so good at staying close to those they love, or should love, when illness or disability crops up. It also makes me wonder if we have really come as far as we think we have from the days when those that were disabled were placed in asylums. Maybe disability no longer carries quite the stigma it once did but it would appear that it is enough to put an end to the majority of marriages that encounter it.

Military marriages carry no stigma, as being in the military is generally looked at as being a very good thing, and those in it are looked up to, but what toll does that service put on the marriages that must go through it? Prison carries a heavy stigma, one that really never goes away. That stigma is on everyone involved, the prisoner, the spouse of the prisoner, the children, even the prisoners parents and extended family. Anyone close to someone that has been to, or is in, prison must face the social issues of being related to a prisoner. Oddly enough, from what I read, it would seem that the spouse of a prisoner actually gains some kind of standing if they divorce their spouse. There is something about prison that, supposedly, makes the husband or wife, held up in society, or among family, when they divorce the prisoner.

Funny thing...I don't see prison listed as a reason for divorce in Scripture. Nor do I see illness, children with disabilities, extended family problems, or the million other reasons people come up with to end their marriages.

Illness and disability are only two of many trials we may face in this earthly life. And instead of running from our spouse, maybe we should run to them, share the troubles and sorrows of all of life's trials with them. Feel the pain of every separation, not just the long term, unwanted, one's, with them. Hold them closer through the pain. Cling tighter in the stress. Talk more in the quiet moments. Just as we should hold tight to Christ in the difficult times as well as in the good times. We should cling to Him, hold Him closer, talk to Him more. And in this earthly life our marriages should be a representation of Christ and His bride, His people. Instead of running from our husband or wife when trouble comes, no matter how difficult the trouble is, maybe we should run TO them. Seek our shelter in our husband or wife just as we seek shelter in Christ.

Suffer together so that, as Christians, your marriage will stand out from the other, world based marriages around you. Let your life, your heart, and your marriage be an example of Christ. Don't live for your own happiness but for Christ. Be the light, even in marriage, that points to Him.

Being a helpmeet...repost

As a woman…as a wife…Genesis 2:18 has such profound meaning. It’s so simple on the surface and yet…it’s beyond profound.

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. KJV

What does it truly mean to be a help meet? It’s a term we don’t have today. The NIV and the NASB replace help meet with a helper suitable for him. The Esv says… a helper fit for him. No matter the description used the very idea is…intriguing.

The first part of that verse…it is not good that man should be alone. This speaks specifically of a male…of a man. There are times in Scripture when the word man is used for all mankind…men, women, and children…but here it is speaking of a man. And it isn’t good for man to be alone.

The Lord makes that statement…observation…decree…and then he immediately says what he will do to fix the problem. I will make him an help meet for him. This is where things get really interesting.

The Lord says…I will make a help meet for him. I will make. He will create a help meet…whatever that may be. When the Lord created Eve…did Adam have any idea what a help meet was? Do we…today, with all our technology…know what a help meet truly is?

Our human minds want to say that a help meet is simply a helper for Adam and the modern translations of the Bible show that. God made a helper for Adam. Simple.

Right?

Before we decide that it is that simple let’s look a little deeper. Looking at the Greek and Hebrew translations of the words help and meet, they are taken from the words "ezer" and ‘Ke-neg-dow’. I looked at both the Hebrew and the Greek translations and the words were the same in both….where I looked (Hebrew: http://biblehub.com/text/genesis/2-18.htm, Greek: http://biblehub.com/interlinear/genesis/2-18.htm). There was no difference in the original words used or their English translation.

In both Greek and Hebrew ezer is translated as ‘a helper’ and Ke-neg-dow is translated as ‘suitable’.  As I was researching these words I came across article after article that gave certain words as the translation of the Hebrew words.

These articles all had something going for them. I found myself seeing Genesis 2:18 in a new light the moment I looked at those words.  They took a verse that is already pretty amazing…pretty simple…and pretty complex…and turned it into something bigger…something greater…something…wow.

And yet I didn’t read more than a few sentences into each of these articles before I discovered I didn’t hold the same beliefs that the authors did. When I skipped to the end of the articles I discovered they all had something else I didn’t share. Every last one of those articles used the supposed Hebrew definitions to give…what seemed to me…more power to women than to men. They took those words and gave them a modern day twist that sounded more like feminism than it did Scripture.

I’m going to start first with a word that my husband taught me to use…one that until he showed me what it really meant, I never wanted to use…

Context.

To get the idea that these articles I partly read all came to they had to disregard the entire context of the Bible. Not only that but they were also using words that I didn’t see in either translation when I looked them up in the Greek and Hebrew. I don’t generally go to the original translations of Scripture but these articles all used the Hebrew translation so I looked it up myself. What I discovered was that the translations I found online weren’t using the same English words that the articles were. In the translations I looked at the English words were ‘a helper’ and ‘suitable.’  This actually made the NIV and the NASB translations pretty accurate to the original texts.

The articles all used the English words ‘power’ and ‘strength’ as the translation for ‘ezer’ and ‘ke-neg-dow’.  Using those words to translate ‘ezer’ and ‘ke-neg-dow’ the end conclusion of each of the articles was that woman was not only equal to man but actually had more ‘power’ than man. The Bible…if looked at in context shows something completely different than what the articles were not just suggesting but outright saying.  After reading over those articles I did do a bit more looking and found a few articles that came to the conclusion that Eve was Adam’s mirror image…or exact equal…instead of being superior to him.

I will come back to the context of Genesis 2:18 later for now I want to go back to the actual words used. The English words help and meet started out as the words ‘a helper’ and ‘suitable’. The word helper gives a slightly different idea than the word help does…and by the way as much as I like the words help meet I don’t see them in the original Greek translation. What is there is ‘suitable’ and ‘a helper’.

Helper is defined in the dictionary as one that helps, aids, or assists. It’s a person that is basically the helper of another. The assistant.

‘Suitable’ is defined as fitting or proper. The 1828 Webster’s Dictionary has the following listed in its definition for suitable… ornaments suitable to one's character and station…

Putting the English words ‘a helper’ and ‘suitable’ together we come up with something to the effect of…a person that properly assists, helps, or aids. I’m adding my own ideas into this next part but…what of the definition in the 1828 dictionary? Ornaments suitable to one’s character and station? This isn’t a Biblical definition, and I’m only putting my ideas into this, but…if we apply that definition to the word suitable as it applies to the original translation…

Eve was a helpful ornament that was fitting or proper to Adam’s character and position.

The same dictionary defines ornament as…

That which embellishes; something which, added to another thing, renders it more beautiful to the eye.

Also as…

Embellishment; decoration; additional beauty.

Again…this is only my ideas…my thoughts…but if Eve was to be a helpful ornament to Adam then she was there to be an embellishment…a decoration…to Adam and to help him. I know that there are those that see woman as nothing more than that…a decoration to men. That’s not what I’m implying. Several years ago I heard something from a supposedly Christian man that when his wife was dressed nice he felt ten feet tall walking beside her. That isn’t what I’m talking about either…not exactly. What I’m talking about is the completeness that comes with being married.

Before Eve…Adam was alone in the world. He had no one to help him with anything…not the simple day to day tasks and not the difficult tasks that require more than one person to accomplish. But he also had no one there for the more personal…more emotional…moments. Who was there to listen when Adam needed to talk? Who was there to offer moral support when he needed it? Who was there to…just be there for Adam?

Not too long ago I wrote a post titled ‘I am his weakness, he is my strength’. Who was there to be Adam’s weakness? Who was there to let Adam be weak?

When we love someone they become something to us that others aren’t…and when we marry someone they become even more to us. There is a place in us that that person fills that was empty until they came along. Once that love is there…the place is full. That person then has the power…the ability…to fill that place with nothing more than their presence.

In marriage our husband/wife fills a place in us that wasn’t occupied before. They have the ability to make the day better simply by being in our view. That completeness that we experience in our love for that person then becomes something of a decoration to us…to our life. Life is richer when we share it with another. In marriage life takes on a whole dimension that isn’t there when we’re alone. We are completed…decorated…because we are married.

I feel cared for…protected…safe…in my husband’s arms. I feel…at home. This is a feeling I do not have without my husband. It’s a feeling I didn’t have before we married and it’s a feeling I don’t have when we’re apart. Just being hugged by my husband reminds me that all is right in my world…even when everything else is wrong. For that time…that moment…I’m safe simply because he is there to care for me.

Before Eve…who was there to be all that and more for Adam? Who was there to fill the empty places in Adam? Who was there to complete him?

Would that filling of the empty places not be a decoration? Would giving him a place to be weak…a home for his heart…make Eve…make a wife…an ornament to her husband?

Would having a wife…the woman he loves…not give a man a reason to feel ten feet tall? Not in the prideful way the man I spoke of felt but in the simple fact that he now has a woman to care for and protect? Where he was alone he is now one person in two bodies? In marriage a man (and a woman) becomes a ‘we’ instead of an ‘I’.

I never played sports but it’s my understanding that in team sports there is a team mentality. Each member isn’t working and acting for him or herself but for the greater good of the team. They are a unit that must work not only together but each individual has to work toward what is best for the team. In marriage each person should strive to work for the ‘team’, for the ‘we’.

Since my husband and I married I’ve found myself shopping for clothes a bit differently. I prefer jeans and t-shirts for their comfort, convenience, and general ease of care and wear. My husband likes to see me in more feminine clothes. He hasn’t once told me not to wear jeans and t-shirts but I regularly wear things that wouldn’t generally be my first choice in clothes simply because I know it will please my husband. In those times I dress for ‘we’ instead of ‘I’.

Going back to the words ‘power’ and ‘strength’…if they truly can be applied to ‘ezer’ and ‘ke-neg-dow’ then when I wear clothes I know my husband will like I use my ‘power’ to strengthen us. Wearing things I know my husband likes is a simple thing. In most cases it has no bearing on anything I will do during the day and yet it has the ability to let my husband enjoy looking at me and it has the ability to say ‘I love you’ and ‘I care about what you think’. That’s a pretty powerful thing considering I did something so simple.

It may appear that by dressing in a way that I know brings joy to my husband that I would be making him feel ten feet tall in how I look. Whether that is the case or not…it isn’t my goal. You see…I’m not trying to decorate my husband’s arm…although I know that I do. I know that I am an extension of him in all that I do. I give people an impression everywhere I go, and that impression reflects on my husband. But that isn’t so much what I’m trying to do. The fact that it happens is a side benefit. What I’m doing…or trying to do…is complete my husband…give him joy in me…show him that I care. Basically…I’m trying to feed that inner place in him where I live…where I decorate his heart…his soul.

But that isn’t the kind of power the articles I came across were speaking of. They weren’t saying that a wife is to be a helpful decoration to her husband…a completion of him…and that that position comes with the power to…well…help and complete our husbands. That we have the power to let him be both strong and weak. That our existence in his life is powerful.

Most of the articles I found used the word power to show that woman was at least as powerful as a man. And in some ways she is…her importance is…vital…in the marriage. Some of the articles I looked at turned to having children as a way to describe how important a woman’s role in marriage is. But if we look to Scripture we can see that childbearing is not the reason a woman becomes a wife…nor is it her greatest contribution to marriage.

Genesis 2:18 does not say that God created someone to have Adam’s children. It says that He created a helper for Adam. Eve was first a helper…a completion…of Adam. Having children was a blessing that came from that union. It wasn’t her first or most important role.

The word ke-neg-dow is found only once in the Bible. It is used in Genesis 2:18 and speaks of Eve being made…or created…for Adam. It’s definition is that she was suitable for Adam…an ornament…for him. Some of those articles described it as being opposite him, or corresponding to him.

Much the way our left hand corresponds to our right. Our hands are equal to each other, they have the same basic function and yet…they are different. One hand is more dominant than the other. One hand has a leading role, the other a supporting role. One hand does most of the work, the other hand is there to assist when needed. Should something happen to the dominant…stronger…hand, the weaker hand can be trained to take over the role of the stronger hand but that isn’t its primary function.

Several of the articles I came across cited the root words of ezer as ‘to save’ or ‘to rescue’ and to ‘be strong’. Whether these words are right or not they could very well fit into the whole purpose behind Eve. Those articles used these definitions to show that Eve was (in the best one’s) an equal to Adam or (in the worst) superior to Adam.

But if we look back to the definition for helper…to save…to rescue…and to be strong…could all come into that very description. And how much more meaningful is it to know that in some ways Eve was not only a helper to Adam but a rescuer.

Again…this is not taken straight from Scripture. Scripture simply says that Eve was made to be a helper…a help meet. But because I’m writing this after having come across those articles I’m going to use these descriptions. If I in any way saved or rescued my husband it came about in the way I completed him…in the way I gave him a weakness to balance his strength. Much the way my left hand balances my right. Together they make a ‘team’ that are much better…much stronger…than one hand alone is.

Looking back to Genesis 2:18….if we can truly apply rescuer to that verse…we would have something that looked more like…I will make someone to rescue Adam. But that isn’t what Scripture says. Scripture says that God made a helper for Adam. In one of the articles I read it said that the root words for ezer are ‘to rescue’ or ‘to save’ and ‘to be strong.’ I know nothing of the original translations so must go from what I read elsewhere but…if we take those words and apply them to the term help meet…we get something that becomes much deeper and says much more about what Eve was for Adam…about what wife is to husband.

Going back to the 1828 dictionary and adding in this definition, we have something different…

Eve was a rescuing ornament that was fitting or proper to Adam’s character and position.

She was there not merely to help him as we tend to see helping someone today but that help had a much deeper purpose, a much more profound place. Her very existence was because…it was not good that man should be alone. She was created for the sole purpose of keeping Adam from being alone.

Was she there to be an ornament? Who knows but the very nature of her relationship with Adam would have made her a decoration to his life…because we all decorate the lives of those that love us. And still…her decoration would have come not in the shallow way that a throw pillow decorates a couch but in a deeper way that was the completion of who he was as a man because Eve was there…was created…for him.

This is where we can look again to our hands. I am right handed…it’s my dominant hand. My left hand has a supporting role in everything I do. As I type this…both of my hands must work together to make the words flow onto the page as I need them to, but there are other times when my left hand must take a side role to my right hand. When I write with a pen my right hand does 99% of the task while my left hands supports what my right hand is doing.

Eve was created for Adam…to be his helper…but she wasn’t made to be exactly like him. How easily God could have made another man. How easy it would have been for Him to simply make a companion for Adam. But that isn’t what God did. Instead of a companion, God made a help meet…a completion…of Adam.

Eve wasn’t simply designed the same way Adam was and placed on earth so that Adam wouldn’t have to go through life alone. She was created different. Male and female he created them. Those differences weren’t just skin deep, they weren’t just physical differences, they went all the way to the heart and soul of who Eve was.

There are things that I do and say, actions I take, reactions I give, that can be easily explained by simply saying…I’m a girl. Girls are emotional. Girls need more emotional support. Girls like girly things. Girls are…girls. Even as a woman, I’m still a girl…a female. As such I have an inbuilt need to love and be loved, a need to care for and be cared for, a need to nurture.

I read an article on encouraging your husband not all that long ago and in it the author said something about not mothering your husband, not treating him like a two year old, but the very thing in women that makes us want to…need to…do that, is one of the very things that make us female. It is the need to nurture.

My husband told me once that I am the nurturer and he is the provider. Scripture bears out these roles. Men have one role, women another.

It’s what we were created for.

Originally…we were created to turn all that nurturing toward our husbands. Or at least the first female was. When Eve was created there was no one else for her to nurture. Adam was the only one around for her to unleash that on. That nurturing…was a very important part of who and what she was created to be.

I’m not saying we should treat our husbands like two year olds. We shouldn’t even consider it…that would show a complete lack of respect for him. But nurturing doesn’t have to mean mothering. It means caring for, loving…supporting.

Woman was created to be a help meet…a suitable helper…for man. That is the only reason we were created. There are other, side benefits, of being women…of men having wives…but our number one goal is to be a suitable helper to our husband.

Not long after I got married a well-meaning relative told me that I needed to remember that my husband was the second most important thing in my life now. I was completely ready to agree until this person went on not to say that the Lord was first and my husband second, but that children are first and then my husband.

Scripture shows us something completely different. From the creation of the very first woman…who was created not as a woman but as a wife, being a woman was what she was but she was made to be a wife.

That brings us back to the context of what women are in Scripture. Earlier I said that those articles had to disregard the context of Scripture to come to the conclusions they did about women. Scripturally we are taught that men are the head of women…

But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:3 NIV

We are taught that the husband is the head of the wife…

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:23 NIV

In at least one of the articles I read it went so far as to imply that Eve was the savior of Adam…that woman was the savior of man. Scripture tells us it is the exact opposite.

In Ephesians 5:22 we are told…

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. (ESV)

Looking at the entire context of Scripture we see that woman was not above man, she was not his savior, she was not more powerful than he was. In the book of Ruth we are even shown how the husband…Boaz…was the salvation of his wife…Ruth.

The women in Scripture did not have more power than their husbands. They were under their husbands care. They had a place in their husband’s life…a supporting role…a place to decorate…but they did not hold more power than their husband did.

They were suitable helpers to their husbands. They filled a role, a void, in their husband’s lives. They gave him a weakness even as he gave them strength. They filled the empty places in his life, in him. They completed him.

They were his…help meet.

Completed in marriage...repost

In a recent post (http://journeyingtochrist.blogspot.com/2015/05/marriage-by-book.html)  I wrote that a woman will follow her leader, that my husband leads and I follow. After my husband read that post he and I talked about it. He said that that trait in women can easily be seen. It can be seen in the women who ride motorcycles with their men, in the women that watch certain movies or listen to certain music because he does. My husband went on to say how it’s the way we’re designed.

As I thought over that, thought about just how much following is involved, I could easily see that following does seem to be deeply ingrained into women. It’s not just that we follow our husbands but that relationships in general are engaged in on a follow kind of basis.

I’m not a follower by nature. Put me in a group of people and I won’t be the one following along no matter what they’re doing. My sister and I have talked about disaster situations, about what would happen if… (we live in tornado alley). Those conversations were mainly a way to pass the time and enjoy visiting with each other but as we have talked about those things we both commented on what we thought the other would do in a situation like that. My sister is certain I would not be the one standing back waiting to be told what to do, nor would I be the one falling apart no matter how bad the situation was. She firmly believes I would be the one making plans and giving orders.

My sister, I believe, would be more likely to stand quietly in the crowd, not giving orders or telling others what to do, but she wouldn’t be following the crowd either. She has an interest in survival skills and would quietly put them to use, sharing her knowledge with those around her. We both agree that we would, in a survival situation, trust the other enough to follow each other.

When I was in my teens there was a lot of talk in my family about whether any given child was a leader or a follower. My youngest sister, it was easily decided, was a follower. My cousins were given their spots based on their personalities. There were leaders, followers, and the ones in between. Each child was then further labeled as the one likely to lead the group into trouble, follow along blindly, or abandon the group in order to keep themselves out of trouble.

That isn’t the type of following I’m talking about here. I am not a follower. Put me in a group of people and I may be the one sitting quietly in the back but when something comes along where the group is going to do something I’m not going to follow along. Put me in a situation where my survival, or that of my loved ones, is at jeopardy and I’ll be the one making decisions.

Unless I have a whole lot of trust in the other person.

I would have to know the other person well enough, to trust them deep enough, to know that they know what they’re talking about, what they’re doing, and to know that I can confidently place my life in their hands.

That’s what I did when I said ‘I do’ to my husband.

I handed my entire life into his hands. I entrusted myself to him. I, with those two little words, told him I trust him enough to let him lead. I told him I would be the follower.

I didn’t need to say it in words. I didn’t need to explain it. It is just the way it is. According to my husband, that is how women are designed.  We have had other conversations where he has said similar things, where he’s made similar observations.

I had someone tell me a couple of years ago that women don’t have the ability to separate reason and emotion. This person, who happened to be a man, said that if a woman was in a war zone and a small boy was riding into a group of people with a bomb strapped to his body that a woman wouldn’t be able to kill the boy because her emotions wouldn’t let her, that she couldn’t separate her reasoning from her emotions enough to act. He went on to say that a man would shoot the boy and feel remorse later.

Personally, I don’t think that’s a fair assessment. I think there are women that would kill the boy and men that couldn’t pull the trigger. But I understood the point he was making. This man went on to say that when a boy is developing in the womb there comes a point when testosterone floods the brain and disconnects the reasoning abilities from the emotional ones.

Is that true? I don’t know, I never researched it. But there was something else in that story that I do believe is true. It wasn’t anything he said, it was an underlying point that was made while he was not so subtly getting to the place where he said women were brain damaged because our reasoning couldn’t be separated from our emotions.

That man, in my opinion, made a good point while totally missing the point, if that makes sense. My husband and I have talked about that very point many times. It is the point where women are designed to be different than men. We were created a certain way, they were created a certain way.

There is no brain damage involved. No right or wrong. No good or bad. It isn’t an either or situation like that man tried to point out. There’s no brain damage in a woman simply because her emotions and her reasoning are connected. We are quite simply designed to be that way. The Lord created us to be that way. And there’s no brain damage involved because a man can separate his reasoning and his emotions.

I’ve wondered a few times as the need to discipline a child has come up if that doesn’t play a factor in my difficulty in being strict with my children. Whenever one of them is acting up, even if they’re being very disobedient or mean to another person, I simply find myself thinking about how I would feel if I were getting into that kind of trouble. It’s not that I can’t see that they need to be punished, I clearly see that, what I have trouble with is actually dishing out the punishment needed because I know that any punishment will be uncomfortable for them.

In those times…my emotions get in the way of my reasoning.

According to the man that pointed out that women can’t separate their emotions from their reasoning, women will react one way in any given situation and men another. He’s right about that. Everyone knows that to be the case. There will always be exceptions, always be differences in how one man (or woman) reacts verses how another would. Personalities, life experiences, beliefs…they all play a role in how a person responds. But the basic design of men and women places us in a spot where we will react to any given situation based strictly on whether or not we are male or female.

So much attention has been given to the rights of homosexuals and transgendered people lately that the lines are steadily being erased between what is male and female. Our society is trying to remove the very lines that make us who we are.

Several years ago I read in the news about a family that had two young children. The parents were raising these children in a way to believe they weren’t male or female. They hadn’t disclosed the gender of their babies to even their closest relatives. These children were allowed to buy clothes in either the girl or boy department based on which clothes they liked as they were shopping. Nothing was off-limits. It was the same way with toys, school supplies, and anything else. I’m not sure if even the children knew what gender they were.

The line was erased in that family. For the children anyway. The parents were mom and dad. One man, one woman. But the children had no such distinction. I wondered at the time what they were teaching the children to be. If they weren’t boy and they weren’t girl, what were they? Apparently, according to at least one social media site, that question can be answered in about 75 different ways, so I understand. At least that’s what I read in a news article recently. Roughly 75 different options for whether or not you’re male or female…or maybe it’s roughly 75 different options to keep from being called either male or female.

The whole thing confuses me. It’s much simpler to go by a very basic rule.

Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created. Genesis 5:2

No alternatives. No options. No choosing between dozens of different definitions that completely erase what a person is. When I was expecting my now five year old, my then six year old told me she thought the baby was a giraffe. When I told her it wasn’t a giraffe she informed me that I couldn’t know that because I didn’t know what the baby was so it could be a giraffe. Coming from such a young child it was cute. One of those sweet little things that we file away in our memories. But the whole gender definition thing reminds me of that conversation.

If you don’t know what you are…you can be anything.

Male and female he created them…

Simple. Straight forward. No room for confusion or argument. You’re either one or the other. And because we’re either one or the other, we are created to be and act a certain way. My husband leads, I follow. Not because I am a follower by nature but because the Lord has designed me to respond to my husband a certain way. He has his place, I have mine. Scripture defines exactly what those places are. He is the provider, I am the helper. He is the strong one, I am the weaker vessel.

As my husband and I discussed how wives follow their husbands, as we shared how we both acted and reacted because of the other, I began to see something. It’s much like a dance. He acts, I react. I react and he’s challenged to act in certain ways because I will react based on him.

When I was a kid I took dance lessons. The teacher would count of the steps…one, two, three, four…there was a rhythm, a flow, to the movements. Right foot did this, so left foot did that. Because our feet were doing one thing our arms were supposed to be doing another. And when it was all put together it flowed. That was ballet. This is marriage.

But the more I think about how lead and follow works in marriage the more I’m reminded of all those dance lessons. There was a lead and follow then to, an order that had to be kept to make everything flow. Those dance lessons came natural to some but were nearly impossible to master to others. Some of us were able to not only grasp the steps and movements needed but were able to do it with ease, some of the girls were able to move with so much grace (that’s the term in the ballet world) that it looked like they were just made to move that way, others were constantly stumbling over their feet and forgetting where their arms were supposed to be when.

There are wives that fall into those same categories. Wives that easily find their place in marriage, wives that struggle and fight the entire way. Yesterday I did some research on an author a friend mentioned in reference to a book she was reading. As I read the comments at the end of an article about this author there was quite a bit of discussion about Genesis 3:16 and how it applied to women and their place. Or more specifically how it applied to a woman’s role and actions and reactions in relationships. There seemed to be just about as many opinions on what it meant as there were comments. It seemed everyone saw it a different way.

The people making those comments were like the girls in those ballet classes I took. To some their place came easy, to others it was harder. Some fell into it with a natural ability that made it all flow, while others fought it like a fish on the end of a fishing pole.

After that conversation with my husband, quite by accident, I read something that brought all that to mind again. It was a very brief passage written by a professing ‘Christian’. What I read had enough good points to keep me reading to the end but still left me wishing they could have gone a little deeper, pointed out more truth. But they made several points that made me once again think of the conversation with my husband about the roles of husband and wife.

In the passage that I read the author touched on the fact that woman was created to be a helper for man. But they went further to say that woman completes man. She fills his empty places. She is there to share his life and by so doing she pulls him out of himself and into them.

That was where I began, again, to think on what my husband and I had talked about, on what Scripture says in reference to men and women, husbands and wives.

As a wife…when I became a wife…I discovered that being a wife completes me. Being a wife lets me be the me that I am deep inside. It brings the me that I am on the surface and the me that I am deep inside into a fullness that lets me…just be. I feel complete in everything. I am me. I’m a mother. I’m a daughter. A sister. A wife. It’s like being a wife closed the circle of who I am, it made a whole out of all the pieces. It gave me a sense of completeness I didn’t have before. It gave me security. It gave me the ability to be weak. And it made me stronger.

The role of wife gave me that completeness but it wasn’t the title that did it, although I do find a certain completion in just being a wife. It was my husband, my relationship with him, my interactions with him, my trust in him…those were what brought the full completeness that I feel because I am a wife. When I am away from my husband, be it for hours or days, there is still a sense of belonging, of completion, in just knowing that I am his wife even if I’m not with him. The security lingers even though he may not be physically present.

That is what I thought of as I read that passage that spoke of a woman completing her husband, of what it does to a man to have a wife. And then I thought more of what they said and less of what I felt because I am a wife.

When a man is married, no matter his beliefs, no matter his personality, no matter who he is or what he wants to be…he is no longer him, but they. Where once he was alone, now he has her. The Bible says:

and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Mark 10:8

Where he was alone he is now two people that are one. Because of his wife he no longer has only himself to think of. She makes him think of his actions because he knows they affect her and that in turn makes him a better person, makes him try harder, because he has the responsibility of leading her.

At least that’s how it should be.

When a man marries his wife is entrusted into his care. She was created for him just as Eve was created for Adam. She isn’t just any other person but the woman that God created just for him. When God created Eve He put Adam to sleep and removed one of his ribs making Eve not just for him but through him. She was, quite literally, bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. She was made from a part of his very body.

As such she was created for Him.

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14

She was a gift, given to Adam, by God. She was created to fill a certain role in Adams life. There were certain traits that she was given that would allow her to fill that role. They were deeply ingrained, built into the very fiber of her being. She was there to help and follow Adam. He was there to look out for her, take care of her, lead her.

She had a role, he had a role. She was made one way, he another.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Genesis 2:18

Eve…woman…was created because God saw that it was not good that man should be alone. He didn’t elaborate on why it wasn’t good, only said that it wasn’t good for man…not Adam but man…to be alone. And so woman was created to fill the void, the empty place, in man’s life. She was made to fill that emptiness, to complete him.

When a man and a woman marry it creates a wholeness, a completeness, that wasn’t there, in either of them, before they married. Before they were two incomplete people, through marriage they became one whole person.

and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Mark 10:8

Marriage brings a completeness that wasn’t present in either the husband or the wife before they married. That is the Biblical design, God’s very plan, for marriage. The husband has a role and when he fulfills it the wife is completed. The wife has a role and when she fulfills it the husband is completed. She is bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…Ephesians 5:28-29

A marriage, in the Lord, places both the husband and the wife in their God given roles. It lets them be who they were designed to be. Marriage can be a completion or it can be a competition. I am blessed to be completed in marriage but I’ve seen many marriages that were competitions. Neither the husband nor the wife were happy, they weren’t satisfied, and they weren’t completed in their marriage. They fought each other and the very fact that they were married. Marriage was a curse and not a blessing.

Those marriages weren’t based on Biblical principles. And neither the husband or the wife embraced the role of man or woman as they were designed to be. They embraced, instead, the role they wanted, the role the world said they could take. They didn’t find fulfillment in being the kind of man or woman they should have been, and therefore they didn’t find completeness in marriage.

How much better is the design, the plan, of the Lord?