It was wrong

I have recently had a couple of conversations that have left me thinking of the early days when I could see the Truth's of Scripture but was still very much a product of my Arminian upbringing.

One of the conversations, or should I say, several of the conversations, were with my husband as our life is such that sometimes we begin a deep conversation but must stretch it out over time. That isn't always a bad thing as it gives us both time to think harder, dig deeper, and pray over such topics as might be filling our minds and souls.

The most recent conversation came by way of letter from a friend. It wasn't so much about those early days as it was that that letter contained questions that left me thinking of those days of transition. In life we often make transitions. We go from childhood to adulthood. We leave behind our single years for married life, our childless days for parenthood. All of those transitions are huge, life changing events that leave us learning a new way of life but there is no transition, I would venture to say, so big, so....great..., so important as that of regeneration in Christ.

There are those that are drawn to Christ from a completely dark and unchristian background. I suppose there are some that are drawn from an existance where they know nothing of Him, save that deep yearning that their soul knows even when their mind is completely ignorant of Him. From darkness to light they might leap like the striking of a match. Where Christ was totally absent in their life before with a single strike, He draws them to Him and fills them with light. I can only imagine the state of their mind when that happens but in some ways I find I can almost envy those few people that may actually be drawn to Christ out of total darkness and ignorance of anything Scriptural.

I did not find my path to be that way. I knew 'Jesus' before I can remember. I grew up being fed on Bible stories and 'church' attendance when it suited someone in my family to go. And so that moment...that day that Christ drew me to Him and changed me...was a day that came as any other. There was no striking of a match that I could tell. I never saw the flash of light as the flame took hold. It simply was a slow transition into something new.

But that new place left me perplexed beyond anything I had ever known before. I 'knew' enough of Scripture to have an understanding of what it said and taught. Many subjects I could relate to through Scripture without having to look the verses up. I had heard them before and had sat through sermons and teachings that instilled certain understandings into me.

Then came that day when I could see Truth and I began, slowly, to realize that everything...EVERYTHING...I ever knew about Scripture had to be checked and double checked against Scripture.

I was forced to come to the conclusion that I had been taught many lies in my so-called 'Christian' life and I would then have to unlearn all that I knew and replace it all straight from the pages of Scripture. It was a long, slow, enlightening, amazing...even tedious...process. I marveled at these new Truth's while stumbling to forget all that had come before. I'd like to say that process, that journey through Scripture, was easy but I can't. Thankfully, I can say that I was so amazed at all these new Truths, at seeing the difference between what I had been taught and what was really in the pages of my Bible, that I very much enjoyed the new learning.

Still, the forgetting all that had been learned before was hard. I would encounter something and automatically think through what it meant according to Scripture only to have to mentally stop myself and go to Scripture in order to see if that knowledge that was ingrained in me was right or wrong.

And more often than not...

It was wrong.

Now here I sit today. Years removed from those days when I had to unlearn one teaching and relearn another. Those memories are dear to me as I can clearly recall the amazement I held in those days, and amazement that made what would have been very frustrating actually enjoyable. I remember falling in love with Scripture in a way I never had before. I remember making the leap from depending on others to interpret Scripture for me, telling me what each verse or set of verses meant, to actually reading the verses for myself and seeking my understanding from nothing more than the pages of my Bible.

I remember, too, the days and years prior to that when I had a fondness for study Bibles. I remember pouring over the only study Bible I owned, gaining understanding from the translations of what the verses meant. I remember the days when I took great pleasure in going to the book store, choosing a couple of study Bibles and sitting down to look at them, to pour over them. I remember the pleasure of flipping the pages, reading notes in them, seeing pictures in some of them.

And I remember when those study Bibles began to mean less and less. The study Bible I searched a whole section of Bibles to find, overpaying for it so that I could take it home that day. The same study Bible I marveled over and treasured the study notes in...that Bible now sits untouched on a shelf. I can't remember the last time I looked at it. I have no desire to read it these days and have actually thought of getting rid of it many, many times.

So far it still sits there, waiting for...what, I do not know. I truly don't foresee myself using it again and yet I have not taken the leap of parting with it.

These days the only study notes in the Bibles I use are the notes I make in the margins. When I look at the notes in study Bibles all I can think is that they are other men's ideas of what Scripture says and I often wish I had the ability to approach Scripture as those people that have never heard of Christ or the Bible might approach it...with a completely clean slate, knowing nothing of anything taught by men.

Even when I know someone shares the same beliefs that I do I can't help thinking that when they share some understanding of Scripture they are doing nothing more than teaching others what their understanding is. And I have come to the conclusion that I desire that clean slate very much. I do not want my understanding of Scripture influenced by anyone else's understanding.

And I recall those early days and all the teachings that I gained through childhood and in my adult years, all the free will, man's importance, teachings and I recall...

It was wrong.

These days when I think of learning, studying, or reading of other's opinions on what Scripture says i think of how the people that once taught me all those 'church' teachings and understandings believed strongly that what they were teaching was right despite the fact that most of those things turned out not to be in Scripture at all. And I think...

It was wrong.

Then I think of how certain the 'reformed' teachers and preachers are in what they teach and preach. I think of how certain the 'Calvinists' are in what they teach and preach. And I know the things I have learned straight from Scripture. I also know how easy it is for fallen men, myself included to get it wrong, and I think of how easy it is for someone to accidentally or intentionally skew Scripture even a tiny amount to support or promote what they want Scripture to say.

And I remember...

It was wrong.

These days I try hard to stay far from the teachings of any men, longing for that blank slate that I will never have. The best I can do is recall the words of Paul:

For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2 KJV

And I try hard to keep that mindset, choosing to do my best to keep all teachings of men out of my mind and heart and clinging to the assurance that:

27 But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you [a]will abide in Him. 1 John 2:27 NKJV

Why don't they get a job?

As often happens when one spends time on one thing they wind up encountering something else of the same or a similar topic. This has been my experience lately. I stumbled across a book on the Spanish Inquisition from what I understood to be a reformed book publishing company. It piqued my interest enough to make me want to read it.

I have written about that book in two previous posts. It wasn't a bad book, it just wasn't what I was expecting it to be. But in reading that one I also found myself reading a summary on another book, this one also about persecution, this time an Inquisition in Scotland. Like the book I read, that one held my attention for a bit, right up until I read that it was about a preacher that was forbidden from preaching and had to forego his income from preaching and was 'dependent on the good will offerings of his flock'.

I lost interest at that point. I MIGHT could have made it through a book about a preacher...maybe...possibly...but reading that that preacher became dependent upon the good will offerings, offered from a disbanded congregation, to support that ex-preacher and his family, well...I lost all interest in it.

That book is a work of fiction and is supposedly about the persecution of 'christians'. I assume it is but it also seems to be about the 'poor' preacher that lost his income when he was forbidden to preach and it reminds me all too much of the over abundance of preachers that feel like they are entitled to be paid through their use of sharing the Scriptures.

There have been many great preachers throughout history...I am sure, er...I assume. Preachers that gave the Gospel straight from Scripture and taught the teachings straight from the Apostles. I can even see that once upon a time, before Scripture was put into the written word and distributed into the hands of pretty much anyone that wants a copy, that those preachers were pretty close to vital.

I have heard stories of people in countries that have no Bible in their language. I have read of people that have to hand write the Scriptures to be able to have them. Years ago I read about people in Russia, I believe it is/was, that had no Bibles because they were illegal in their country but someone published a book that spoke against the Bible and Christians were buying those books just as quickly as they could get their hands on them. They bought the book not for the anti-biblical teachings but because that book had many Scriptures in it and it was the closest thing to a Bible they could get.

I could see where a preacher...someone that knows the Scriptures well or someone that has the only copy of the Scriptures...could be vital to believers. I can see that. What I can't see is why preachers in modern America are seen as so important when every so-called 'christian' has a copy of the Scriptures in their house.

In fact according to a study done by the American Bible Society 87% of American households have a Bible (https://www.worldreligionnews.com/religion-news/bible-87-american-households), or almost 9 out of 10 homes do (http://www.bpnews.net/48743/study-americans-fond-of-bible-but-how-many-read-it). In a country that has God's word printed and in their hands, why in the world do we NEED preachers to teach anything? We have God's word...why let anyone tell us how to interpret it?

I have never met anyone that knows the Scriptures like my husband does. He can hear a snippet of a single verse and tell you where to find the verse and what it's about. I remember my first few times seeing him do that. I was beyond amazed. I was floored...and awed. I had never seen anyone do such a thing but he did. And he still does. It still amazes me.

And I must admit I got a kick out of stumping him when I spoke of a portion of a verse the other day. Rarely do I ever speak of Scripture that he doesn't know exactly where and what I am referring to but that day...that day...I stumped him. It was fun and a bit surprising.

But that is beside the point, the thing is, if I had no Bible I would want someone like my husband that could share Scripture the way he can. I would not only appreciate him (I do appreciate him) but I would seek him out (I do that too just so I could hear Scripture.

I have written on Bibles before and have admitted to owning more than my fair share. I don't even know the total number of Bibles I personally own. Off the top of my head I know there is a ESV, two versions of the Geneva Bible, an NKJV, and a NASB. That's not counting multiple copies of the same version or something I may have missed. I just don't keep track of how many Bibles I own. And honestly I could part with most of them and probably never miss them since these days my Bible reading and study is confined to two Bibles and the rest sit unused 99.99999% of the time.

Because I have such ready access to the Bible, because there is rarely a time that I can't put my hands on a copy of the Scriptures within a matter of seconds, I have a hard time imagining...although sometimes I do imagine it...what it is like for those that have no access to Scripture. And in my imaginings I can well understand why one would want and even seek out a preacher type person if that person knew the Scriptures and could share them with me if I had no Bible and no access to one.

What I can't understand is why people with Bibles, Bibles that often sit on shelves gathering dust, would go to a preacher to be 'taught' the Lord's word when they have that Word in their own hands.

Yes, I understand how the unregrenerate cannot understand the Scriptures and how and why they need an interpreter. I know someone that 'works' in a 'church' and mentors others in the Bible. I once told this person that these people don't need a mentor, what they need is to be handed a Bible and told to go and read it. I know others that read and study their Bibles and yet they still soak up the teachings of others on what the Bible says. I realize that only those granted eyes to see and ears to hear are able to understand Scripture straight from their Bible without turning to some form of outside explanations.

I get that.

I really do and it isn't those people I speak of now. What I speak of is all the people that supposedly understand the Truth's of Scripture that can read it for themselves yet are still holding preachers in high esteem. They idolize certain preachers, be they alive now or long dead, and they see them as having some sort of 'calling' or importance above that of every other Christian ever born.

And they, along with most people that attend some form of 'church' so highly esteem a preacher that preachers wind up with the very mindset of the one in that fictional book. A mindset that has them thinking they must depend on others for their very support.

I know that book is a made up story but I am also sure that very same thought process has afflicted many a preacher that found himself without a preaching position. And I can't help wondering what mentality, what mindset, what...victimized personality...what poor me thought process...would prompt a man unable to preach to think his only means of support must come from the pockets of those kind enough to give him money.

Why wouldn't this man's first thought be to getting a job...a real job...and providing for his family rather than mooching off of others as so many...as most...preachers throughout all of history do with or without a 'church'?

Smelling of fire

I just read a fictional account of a Christian during the Spanish Inquisition, or I should say, I am in the process of reading one. I do not normally read such things these days, even Christian stories are things I can't normally sit through the reading of despite the fact that I used to devour books. This book, however, caught my attention and I thought I might give it a try. There have been many references to Scripture and to the reformers in this story and I can only say I have struggled through reading to the point that I am at. I am enjoying certain parts of it but it has been slow going and I must fight my own inclination to lay it aside and never pick it up again. In fact, I have actually fought my own concious many times while reading this story as I have had many, many thoughts that I could be reading Scripture instead. I have even had to fight my own desire to set this book aside and pick up my Bible.

And so with all those struggles here I am. I just read to a point where I find myself almost able to understand what the character in this book is experiencing.

In the story the main character was slowly drawn to Christ, having received a New Testament in his own language and reading the Scriptures for the first time he was drawn to Christ but still his Roman Catholic background has had and kept a deep hold on him. It's almost as though he straddles the fence between two religions, not realizing that the teachings of Roman Catholicism is in opposition to Scripture.

And so here this man is, holding to a faith that opposes the law and he is very much struggling his way deeper and deeper into this new faith. Now word has come to him that over 200 fellow believers have been arrested and despite all his associations with those arrested he has so far been spared arrest or worse. His family has just put two and two together that maybe he is not what he has seemed to be but to protect the family name they have offered him asylum in their home. (He is a young man living in his uncles home).

And so here he is, afraid for his life, more afraid for his fellow believers, and trying to stay above suspicion. One would think that the very family he has been living with, those that have offered him safety and shelter, those that should love him, would continue to love him as he is, as he has always been. Why would their newly discovered knowledge that he is a believer in Christ change their opinion of him? But change their opinions did. This young man, while given shelter to protect the family name, is now living as though he does not exist to the family. They will not talk to him, will not touch him, go out of their way to avoid encounters with him, and won't even look at him if they can avoid it.

It is his families treatment of him that I can understand and commiserate with. I recall my own experiences after I first began to see the Truth in Scripture, after I went through what I would say was the time of my conversion and new birth.

At first things were different, for me, for my loved ones, but in time as I learned more and went deeper into my faith... There was a time when certain family members showed very near to hate for me. I was not under the 'ban' as it is called in this book but I was not welcomed either. I felt the distance and the lack of welcome from those that had, only a year before, loved me most.

I remember leaving the house for no other reason than because I needed to get away from the feeling of....evil...in the house. I needed an escape from the distant relationships, the rude attitudes, the snide comments. I recall one such occasion that sent me seeking peace. I found myself in an antique store, just roaming the aisles for no reason other than I needed somewhere to spend some time in a welcoming environment. My heart was hurting and I was seeking peace from worldly troubles. It was on that day that I encounter a Bible that predated the Civil War. That Bible made such an impression on me that I wrote about it. And for a very brief time, that Bible, a Bible I was allowed to examine closely, gave me a sort of reprieve from my own troubles.

I recall how my heart hurt, how strained my family relationships were. I also recall the look of that Bible, the feel of it in my hand, but more than that, I recall the reprieve it allowed me while I marveled at being allowed the privilage to just enjoy such an old copy of God's Word.

And now tonight, I sit here, having just read of the heartache of this young man who is living with people that have, for all intents and purposes, completely turned against him, and I can feel his pain, can commiserate with him even though my days of being nearly despised by my family for my beliefs are now long behind me, at least for the time being. Lord willing, they will stay only a memory.

Yet...

Experiences like those are not so far in my past as I would like them to be. I just had an encounter with someone, a non-relative, that has very nearly ostracized me for what I believe. I have been raked over the coals and told, in more ways than I can count, how wrong my beliefs are.

That experience instigated many conversations with my husband, one of which had him telling me something to the effect of 'it always turns out this way'. He went on to talk of how even those that love us most will only put up with our beliefs to a point and then we are essentially offered up for whatever punishment can be handed out. In our country the only punishment to be had is whatever each individual person chooses to do in response to facing our faith. I am SO grateful that is all we face but it hasn't always been that way and in fact, it isn't that way for many believers in the world today.

In the story I am reading, the uncle of the main character told him that he (uncle) could smell the fire on him, referring to the punishment of death by burning. It was supposedly a statement made of all ''heretics''. I never experienced such an evil statement, never faced true persecution, but anyone that is truly born again will face their own fires. They will struggle through things in this world that will leave them 'smelling of fire' because they are somehow tainted in the eyes of the world. That tainting can be ignored or even forgotten but let the unregenerate person, even those that profess a belief in Christ, bump up against their faith and all of a sudden the unregenerate person can 'smell the fire' on them again.

It has always been this way. It will always be this way.

If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.

21 But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me.

22 If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin: but now they have no cloak for their sin.

23 He that hateth me hateth my Father also.

24 If I had not done among them the works which none other man did, they had not had sin: but now have they both seen and hated both me and my Father.

25 But this cometh to pass, that the word might be fulfilled that is written in their law, They hated me without a cause.

26 But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me:

27 And ye also shall bear witness, because ye have been with me from the beginning. John 15:18-27

It wasn't what I wanted it to be

 I recently found myself reading a fictional book for my own enjoyment for the first time in years. I can't say I completely enjoyed the experience. The more I read of the book, the more I felt I would be much better served to read the Scriptures.

Let me explain a bit about that book. It was fiction, written in the 1800's, set during the Spanish Inquisition, and was a 'Christian' book. I can't say I opposed much of the 'Christian' content, most of it stuck to the Scriptures and gave God all credit for being in control. I did have issues with the comments that referred to people giving their life to God, or choosing to trust in Him, but beyond that I can't say I opposed much.

The trouble with this book was even while it gave (mostly) glory to God for salvation and all happenings in the fictitious characters lives, I still found myself wrapped up in a story that held little of Scripture and seemed just as man centered as most other things in this fallen world.

And so I found myself thinking, time and again, that I should discard the book and pick up my Bible. Sometimes I did just that, not actually discarding the book but setting it aside in favor of Scripture, and sometimes I ignored my own inner promptings...or the Lord's promptings...and kept reading because I wanted to get a better feel for the Spanish Inquisition and I wanted someone to paint me a picture, in this case with words, of what it was like for the people that experienced it.

When I finally came to the last page, weeks after starting the book, I can't say I had all that much of a better understanding of what life was like for those that went through such a great trial and persecution. It was, quite honestly, not worth the time it took me to read it. I would recommend the book to others that enjoy reading for fun but I did not gain enough from the book to make it worth my time.

And so I walked away from that experience having learned numerous things but a greater understanding of the Spanish Inquisition really wasn't one of them. But having so recently read that book I can say without a doubt that there is much to be said for how one approaches anything they read. In this case I approached that book wanting to feel...to experience...what life was like for those persecuted Christians.

I approached that book, a book based on true happenings that even had characters, although not the main ones, that really lived through the Inquisition, wanted a deeper understanding of what those that lived through it, or died in it, experienced. And I came away from it thinking the author held only a surface level understanding of what it was like and therefore was unable to portray the emotions and the...life...those poor people endured in this book.

I failed to have the experience with that book that I hoped, even expected to have, but I did gain an experience I did not expect. I discovered, not for the first time, that my heart really isn't in books anymore. Once upon a time I loved them, I devoured them in numbers so great that I could not hazard a guess at how many I read. I collected them. I enjoyed the look of them, the feel of them, the smell of them. I loved the stories and the characters in them.

I still enjoy a book...in theory. I like the look of them, the feel of them, the smell of them. But...I no longer find myself drawn into the stories as I once was. I now find myself thinking of the Scriptures I could be reading and how even the 'christians' in books I thought came from a reformed company are really only man centered with just a bit of Scripture tossed in here or there.

And so here I sit, writing about a man-centered experience, in this case my own, that has no point to it besides these thoughts have weighed heavy on my mind and heart in the aftermath of reading that book. A book I read at the same time I found myself soaking in Ecclesiastes.

The words of the Preacher,[a] the son of David, king in Jerusalem.

2 Vanity[b] of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens[c] to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
    and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
8 All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
    “See, this is new”?
It has been already
    in the ages before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,[d]
    nor will there be any remembrance
of later things[e] yet to be
    among those who come after.

The Vanity of Wisdom

12 I the Preacher have been king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 And I applied my heart[f] to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 14 I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity[g] and a striving after wind.[h]

15 What is crooked cannot be made straight,
    and what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I said in my heart, “I have acquired great wisdom, surpassing all who were over Jerusalem before me, and my heart has had great experience of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 And I applied my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is but a striving after wind.

18 For in much wisdom is much vexation,
    and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

I cannot post the whole book of Ecclesiastes here but so much of it points to the very depravity of so much of our earthly lives. So many of the things people treasure. So much of...human life. How we treasure books. Knowledge. Education. And how we treasure so much worse...horror movies, movies in general these days, and all other manner of sinful things. 

I say we as a human race, as in the American population. Our culture treasures all these things and more. And in the aftermath of having read that much too long, and much too un-enlightening book, I can only think I should have gone with my inner leading and left that book for someone else because it served me little purpose. I'm glad I read it because I would have kept wanting to read it had I not done so and it wasn't a bad thing to read, it's just that...it wasn't what I wanted it to be.

And in all the times I thought of how that book wasn't what I wanted it to be, as I read it out of my own expectations for what I had hoped it would be, I couldn't help thinking...wondering...how many people do that very same thing with Scripture. How many people approach Scripture thinking it's something, wanting it to be something, only to wind up disappointed in what they read within the pages of their Bibles.