One of the conversations, or should I say, several of the conversations, were with my husband as our life is such that sometimes we begin a deep conversation but must stretch it out over time. That isn't always a bad thing as it gives us both time to think harder, dig deeper, and pray over such topics as might be filling our minds and souls.
The most recent conversation came by way of letter from a friend. It wasn't so much about those early days as it was that that letter contained questions that left me thinking of those days of transition. In life we often make transitions. We go from childhood to adulthood. We leave behind our single years for married life, our childless days for parenthood. All of those transitions are huge, life changing events that leave us learning a new way of life but there is no transition, I would venture to say, so big, so....great..., so important as that of regeneration in Christ.
There are those that are drawn to Christ from a completely dark and unchristian background. I suppose there are some that are drawn from an existance where they know nothing of Him, save that deep yearning that their soul knows even when their mind is completely ignorant of Him. From darkness to light they might leap like the striking of a match. Where Christ was totally absent in their life before with a single strike, He draws them to Him and fills them with light. I can only imagine the state of their mind when that happens but in some ways I find I can almost envy those few people that may actually be drawn to Christ out of total darkness and ignorance of anything Scriptural.
I did not find my path to be that way. I knew 'Jesus' before I can remember. I grew up being fed on Bible stories and 'church' attendance when it suited someone in my family to go. And so that moment...that day that Christ drew me to Him and changed me...was a day that came as any other. There was no striking of a match that I could tell. I never saw the flash of light as the flame took hold. It simply was a slow transition into something new.
But that new place left me perplexed beyond anything I had ever known before. I 'knew' enough of Scripture to have an understanding of what it said and taught. Many subjects I could relate to through Scripture without having to look the verses up. I had heard them before and had sat through sermons and teachings that instilled certain understandings into me.
Then came that day when I could see Truth and I began, slowly, to realize that everything...EVERYTHING...I ever knew about Scripture had to be checked and double checked against Scripture.
I was forced to come to the conclusion that I had been taught many lies in my so-called 'Christian' life and I would then have to unlearn all that I knew and replace it all straight from the pages of Scripture. It was a long, slow, enlightening, amazing...even tedious...process. I marveled at these new Truth's while stumbling to forget all that had come before. I'd like to say that process, that journey through Scripture, was easy but I can't. Thankfully, I can say that I was so amazed at all these new Truths, at seeing the difference between what I had been taught and what was really in the pages of my Bible, that I very much enjoyed the new learning.
Still, the forgetting all that had been learned before was hard. I would encounter something and automatically think through what it meant according to Scripture only to have to mentally stop myself and go to Scripture in order to see if that knowledge that was ingrained in me was right or wrong.
And more often than not...
It was wrong.
Now here I sit today. Years removed from those days when I had to unlearn one teaching and relearn another. Those memories are dear to me as I can clearly recall the amazement I held in those days, and amazement that made what would have been very frustrating actually enjoyable. I remember falling in love with Scripture in a way I never had before. I remember making the leap from depending on others to interpret Scripture for me, telling me what each verse or set of verses meant, to actually reading the verses for myself and seeking my understanding from nothing more than the pages of my Bible.
I remember, too, the days and years prior to that when I had a fondness for study Bibles. I remember pouring over the only study Bible I owned, gaining understanding from the translations of what the verses meant. I remember the days when I took great pleasure in going to the book store, choosing a couple of study Bibles and sitting down to look at them, to pour over them. I remember the pleasure of flipping the pages, reading notes in them, seeing pictures in some of them.
And I remember when those study Bibles began to mean less and less. The study Bible I searched a whole section of Bibles to find, overpaying for it so that I could take it home that day. The same study Bible I marveled over and treasured the study notes in...that Bible now sits untouched on a shelf. I can't remember the last time I looked at it. I have no desire to read it these days and have actually thought of getting rid of it many, many times.
So far it still sits there, waiting for...what, I do not know. I truly don't foresee myself using it again and yet I have not taken the leap of parting with it.
These days the only study notes in the Bibles I use are the notes I make in the margins. When I look at the notes in study Bibles all I can think is that they are other men's ideas of what Scripture says and I often wish I had the ability to approach Scripture as those people that have never heard of Christ or the Bible might approach it...with a completely clean slate, knowing nothing of anything taught by men.
Even when I know someone shares the same beliefs that I do I can't help thinking that when they share some understanding of Scripture they are doing nothing more than teaching others what their understanding is. And I have come to the conclusion that I desire that clean slate very much. I do not want my understanding of Scripture influenced by anyone else's understanding.
And I recall those early days and all the teachings that I gained through childhood and in my adult years, all the free will, man's importance, teachings and I recall...
It was wrong.
These days when I think of learning, studying, or reading of other's opinions on what Scripture says i think of how the people that once taught me all those 'church' teachings and understandings believed strongly that what they were teaching was right despite the fact that most of those things turned out not to be in Scripture at all. And I think...
It was wrong.
Then I think of how certain the 'reformed' teachers and preachers are in what they teach and preach. I think of how certain the 'Calvinists' are in what they teach and preach. And I know the things I have learned straight from Scripture. I also know how easy it is for fallen men, myself included to get it wrong, and I think of how easy it is for someone to accidentally or intentionally skew Scripture even a tiny amount to support or promote what they want Scripture to say.
And I remember...
It was wrong.
These days I try hard to stay far from the teachings of any men, longing for that blank slate that I will never have. The best I can do is recall the words of Paul:
For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2 KJV
And I try hard to keep that mindset, choosing to do my best to keep all teachings of men out of my mind and heart and clinging to the assurance that:
27 But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you [a]will abide in Him. 1 John 2:27 NKJV
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