Serving others

Events in my life the last few months have created challenges and emotional pain in me that I could not have foreseen coming. Some of those events I knew would come before they arrived and others came quickly, with no forewarning, and took me by complete surprise. Each one of them shook my world.

It was during one of those events, in a time when I was most struggling, that a longtime friend, that lives hundreds of miles away, told me that if she lived close by her reaction to my experiences would have much different than the one she gave. She told me she was a server and that it’s hard to serve from a distance. She spoke of how I would have ‘wanted for nothing’ if she had been by my side, how she would have ‘been weeping’ along with me. She went on to tell me how she couldn’t be the person she really is over the computer or by the phone.

I have never, in any relationship I’ve ever had, wanted or expected, anyone to serve me. In any way. But compassion, understanding, and honest friendship…that was all I ever asked for, wanted, or expected.

Through several emails with this friend I can say that I not only didn’t feel the least bit served but I felt no compassion, no understanding, and was quickly losing the feeling of friendship.

Today I reread the post I wrote called ‘Peddling Christ’. In it I wrote of how Paul served Christ.

Serving Christ is to be just that…service to Him. We aren’t serving someone when we’re being paid for our works. We are simply exchanging what we do for compensation.

And as I read that I remembered the recent emails exchanged with this longtime friend. A friend that knows me better than anyone except for my husband. A friend that there was a time I would have believed I could count on for anything.

A friend that I no longer know how to talk to.

I will be, and have been, the first to admit that friendship runs two ways. I’ve always heard that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend. And it’s true. It’s hard to be a friend with someone when we don’t feel that they are being much of a friend to us.

I have written in other posts about how the Lord designed women to follow their leaders. Most of those posts were written about husbands and wives but I have touched on how we, as women, are that way in all our relationships.

The marital relationship is, and should be, the most important out of every relationship we will ever have. It is a sacred relationship that reaches far beyond any other relationship we will ever experience except for…if we are in Christ…our relationship with the Lord.

And a woman will follow her husband. Even feminist, stand on their own, I-don’t-need-you-wives, will in some way follow their husbands. Whether they think they do or not.

But we follow in all our relationships. We follow in friendships, in jobs, and even as parents.

How many times do we back off, do we give our child space, because they want it?

And so we follow. That is how we are designed. It’s what we are. What we should be.

Which brings me back to this recent conversation with my longtime friend and what I read in one of my past blog posts. The Bible clearly teaches that we are to love God above all else.

…Love the lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment…Matthew 22:37-38

But the next part of that…the next part says what else we are to do…tells us how we should love others.

…Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:39

Love your neighbor as yourself. How simple is that? And how hard is it? How simple is it to read that and understand that we are to love others as we love ourselves? It’s simple in theory but in reality…How hard is it to understand that our ‘neighbor’ is anyone, it’s everyone? And how hard is it to love them as we love ourselves.

Impossible.

That is how hard it is. No matter how much we think we can…we can’t. We forget. We get caught up in our own cares. We let our own feelings influence our reactions.

Let me go back to my friendship. This wonderful friend that has been there for me, as I have been for her, has supported me through so much over so many years. We have cried on each other’s shoulders (long distance), we have laughed together, we have talked, studied together, and basically supported each other through so much.

Is it any wonder that when either one of us failed to do that the other would follow down a road that lead us to the place of feeling less than supported?

We are…women. We follow.

When she stopped understanding, I stopped sharing. When I stopped understanding, she stopped sharing. When she stopped sharing, so did I. When I stopped sharing, so did she. And round and round we went.

I remember many a time when one or the other of us would show support to the other even though there are hundreds of miles between us. We would write emails, letters, send a card, or make a phone call. We supported each other when times were hard and rejoiced for each other when they were good.

But what happened in that friendship to get us to the point where one of us said we would support the other if we were there in person and then failed to support the other from a distance?

The answer…we followed.

And we followed right into a place where neither one of us wanted to be.

As I read what I wrote in that post…

Serving Christ is to be just that…service to Him. We aren’t serving someone when we’re being paid for our works. We are simply exchanging what we do for compensation.

Reading those words made me think of my friend, of what she said. I am not for even a moment negating my role in the following and the leading. Friendship is, after all, a two way street. But as I think of how she told me she would have been there for me through everything if she was close by, as I remember the times she showed me through the things she said…that she wasn’t there for me at all…I began to think on what it means to really serve another. As we are supposed to serve Christ.

When trials come our way…when pain comes our way…when day to day details take our attention…what is our purpose to be toward others.

In this difficult time in my life…I have struggled with many emotions, the pain has come hard and fast. It has left me reeling. And in that pain I have at times focused more on me and less on others. Admittedly, I have even focused more on me and less on Christ. Pain has a way of doing things to us we never expected.

Even Christ himself withdrew from others to pray and be alone in the garden of Gethsemane. He needed time to focus on God and on His own pain. His prayers show us how he cried out in pain.

Can we expect any less of us fallen humans?

That doesn’t mean I like admitting to the struggles I have faced in this time of deep pain and steady trials.

And still…I think of my friends words…of how she said she would have supported me if only she could be here in person.

As I think of her saying that I have asked myself many times…why must we be there in person to support someone? And what happens when we cannot be there in person? There are times in our lives that we absolutely cannot be with another. My friend cited miles between us and family commitments that kept her away. As real as those things are for keeping us apart…they are…if necessary…surmountable. We could have crossed the miles. We could have delegated or brought the family commitments with us. I’m not at all saying that I expected any of that of my friend. I wouldn’t have wanted her to set aside her family commitments for me and I wouldn’t have wanted her to travel so far for me…but it could have been done.

But there are times when we truly cannot be with someone. When crossing the miles is an impossibility. When even if we could get across the miles, there would be something that would prevent us from gaining any access to that person.

I think of people in isolation in hospitals where few to no visitors are allowed, people in prison with restricted visiting lists and schedules, people with contagious diseases that would make it unsafe for us to visit them… Much as we don’t like to think that there could come a time and a reason why we may not be able to see someone we care about, the reality is that those situations do occur. And in those times there is nothing…nothing…that we can do to gain physical access to that person.

What then?

Are we truly unable to support someone simply because we can’t be there physically? Or is it but a barrier to the support we’d like to show them? A barrier we must find a way around.

A number of years ago I came across a site online that matched people willing to write to cancer patients with cancer patients. I signed up to be what the site referred to as an angel. I did it not because I considered myself an angel in any way, not because I wanted recognition, but because I wanted to brighten someone’s day.

I was matched with a little girl that was undergoing cancer treatment. This girls family had set up a website for her and so although I never had any contact from the family or the girl I was able to see what she looked like, learn a little about her, and to watch her progress from afar. But that had no bearing on why I did it either. I simply wanted to help someone. And she happened to be the someone I was assigned to.

I wound up only writing this child for a few months before I was instructed to stop corresponding with her. She had gone into remission and I suppose her family had either requested she no longer be part of the program or that she no longer met the criteria. I never knew.

What I did know was that I tried hard to find ways to make her days a little easier even though I never heard from her. I didn’t do it to get a thank you. I didn’t do it to hear her family tell me how happy the packages I sent made her. I did it because without me ever seeing the result of my efforts I knew that somewhere out there was a little girl whose day was just a little better because I had put forth the effort.

I did it because I was serving her.

I expected no service from her or her family in return.

I have written to soldiers for much the same reason. These, along with the little girl, were people I had no physical access to. They were people that for the most part I never heard a word from. They were people I expected nothing from.

I did hear from one of the soldiers that I wrote to. He emailed me a few times. He was a young man…if I remember correctly…of 19 or 20. He was married. He had a baby. And he was overseas in a hostile environment. He thanked me for the letters I had sent. He told me of his family.

That was nice but it wasn’t why I had done what I did. I don’t write now of having supported that little girl and those soldiers because I want any sort of recognition for doing it. I got all the recognition I needed by simply knowing I did it. Each time I picked out that special something, or used pretty wrapping paper to wrap a package for that little girl I was filled with…happiness isn’t quite the right word but comes close…just knowing that she would be happy to get it. Each time I wrote a letter I knew that my words would make someone, somewhere, have a better day. And that was all the recognition I needed.

I served them…supported them…not through physical closeness but through the ability to make their day just a little brighter simply by doing something that I could do. I didn’t need to be able to hug them…didn’t need to be able to sit by their side…didn’t need to be physically present to support them.

Right now I have a very close family member that is far away. It is one of the trials I am facing that has caused me so much pain. I can’t be close to this person physically at this time. But I can support this person. With every letter I write, every email I send, every phone call I engage in with this person…I am supporting them.

I can send them a card that says I’m thinking about you.

I can write them a letter and tell them what I did today and how I wish they could have done it with me.

I can show them I care when the caller ID shows that this person is calling me…and I answer the phone.

When I was writing to soldiers I remember reading on how to do it. It’s not quite as easy as it sounds. You see, you are literally writing to a person that you’ve never met, that you do not know, and that chances are you know almost nothing about. You’re writing to a person that you may not feel comfortable giving out your home address to, or letting them know your family situation. Yes, even with soldiers.

And so whole forums and websites exist to help you write to a soldier you’ve never met. They give suggestions and guidelines. And they tell you how important those letters are. I remember reading that for a soldier getting a letter that speaks of how you went to the grocery store, the things you bought, and how long you stood in line to check out…things that seem like nothing to you…have the ability to let that soldier…who may be living in rough and unsafe conditions…escape from the reality of where they are for the time it takes them to read your letter.

Not only that but often those letters are carried with them and read and reread to the point where they literally just fall apart.

Can you imagine that?

Your boring old trip to the grocery store…the trip you would have rather cleaned toilets than make…is of so much importance to that soldier that they will read it again and again until the paper is no more.

Oh…and if you’d written to them of cleaning toilets…they would have done the same with that letter.

Apparently…those letters offer the reader an escape from the reality of where they are. They give them the ability to forget their reality for a minute and to ‘see’ the things and the places that you wrote of.

I doubt there is any soldier that has ever received a letter that would tell someone support can only be offered in person.

I understand children in overseas orphanages are much the same way. I’ve read of how those children live in environments that are so devoid of color…that everything is gray…the walls, the furniture, their clothes…that when they see a box of crayons they are simply amazed and overwhelmed by the colors before them.

Can you imagine the support that child would feel from a letter, even one from a stranger? Can you imagine the escape they would get if you simply wrote of a day walking on the beach or going to the park…even mowing your grass.

In a world devoid of sensory stimulation…how great would a letter describing the sights and sounds of the things you think nothing of be to the person receiving it? Even if they’ve never seen a beach or touched grass.

Think of those times when you have hurt the most. When your days were long and hard. Would you have welcomed a letter…from a loved one or a stranger…that simply said I thought of you today? Would you have treasured a letter that wrote of nothing but the mundane…a letter you knew held no expectation of your answer…simply because it gave you something else to think about in a day that had been so hard for you?

And those were the things I thought of as I read about serving Christ with no expectations. When I read that serving is only serving if it’s done with no expectation of any kind, of…anything…being given or done to or for you in return.

And now I sit…pondering…

How can we serve those in our lives?

How can we do for them with no expectation of having anything done for us? I think of the loss of my unborn babies in the last few months and I think of the different levels of support I did and did not get from those in my life. I think of the phone calls I got asking how I was and of the people that were silent.

So many times we respond to someone out of our own lives. How do we feel about what that person is going through? Is this a situation we feel comfortable speaking of? Have we ever experienced anything like it and if so what was it we wanted most as we went through it. And out of our own experiences and thoughts and feelings we make a difference in other’s lives. We will show them our feelings for them, or their situation, based off how we respond.

And in so doing we will lead them in our relationship with them.

Everyone responds well to a kind word or letter whether they say anything at all to us. It brightens their day and eases their life. Whatever we are going through…good or bad…whose day isn’t brightened by getting a personal note or card in the mail?

            And how many of the people in our lives are led by our reactions and actions where they are concerned?

            Again…I think of a soldier sitting off by himself…reading a letter written by a stranger about something so unimportant as a trip to the grocery store…and how vital that letter may be to them.

            We never know just how big an impact our words…our actions…might have on another person. Whether we are standing in front of them or whether they are thousands of miles away. Comfort is as easily had as writing a quick note on the back of a receipt…if that’s all we have…just to say…

            I’m thinking of you.

            Support…service…serving…comes easily in those four little words and the miniscule amount of trouble it takes to put that note into the mail. And the cost to us…a single stamp.

            Oh…but the impact that note could have on the recipient. We may never know just how important it was.

            Even in the midst of our own troubles…how hard is it to remember to love others as ourselves? When our days are rough, when our hours are long, when our tears are many…can we do something to help someone else through their own day? No matter how busy we might be or how we might feel at the time?

            Do we realize that we could have a profound effect by simply placing a card in the mail? If we know our situation keeps us from being able to go out and buy a card on most days…could we not buy several and keep them and a few stamps on hand, just so that they’re there if we ever need them? Could we take ten minutes to write a quick note on a piece of paper and stick it in the mail…or leave it on the counter…for someone that may be having a rough day?

            Our own situation can be made lighter by focusing on helping another.      

            And it never has to cost more than the price of a single stamp.