Death is a lesson I did not want to learn

In the weeks that have passed since my mother's death I have learned much. Death has a way of slapping us in the face with all that's important and showing us just what isn't important. Scripture tells us that when it warns us that the days are short and the time is evil, when we are told our lives are but a vapor. Reading it in Scripture and understanding with my mind, though, is not quite the same thing as understanding with my heart.

Death...

Is incomprehensible.

Horribly painful.

And completely eye opening.

I have learned that in the last 3 1/2 weeks but now I once again face death. As I struggle through the loss of my mother...

My grandmother is hovering somewhere between life and death. Here but not quite here. Her last days are upon us. We do not know the hour or the minute the Lord has appointed for her final breath but we know that time is quickly coming.

She is fading fast, going downhill with a steadiness that can almost be seen in minute by minute increments of time. We are forced to watch her hold on while wanting to keep her badly and wishing the Lord would use time to spare her agony in these final moments of life.

And I am forced to see and learn yet more of life, and death, than I ever wanted to know. Death has marked me in a way that has left me forever changed.

I remember the moment that I realized I was now an orphan. That knowledge came less than 48 hours after my mother left this earth. Now as I wait, almost with baited breath, for my Grandmother to leave us, too, I face thoughts and a new normal that will never be normal again.

The two women that have had the most profound influence on my life have left me, one through death, one through alzheimer's that will soon be death also. I thought I was ready for my grandmother to pass from this life into eternity. We have watched her steadily decline for years. But...I'm not ready.

I thought I was.

I was wrong.

My grandmother hasn't been my grandmother for a very long time and yet...she's still my grandmother. Her mind is lost to me but she is still here with me. I can still touch her. I can hug her. I can tell her I love her.

And the moment is coming when that will no longer be possible.

I'm not ready for that moment but I know it's coming. I must face it. I must get through it. My grandmother taught me much in life and a lot of what I am is because the Lord used her to make me this way. I know that. I see much of her in me. She was even the first person to teach me the Truths of Scripture. I owe her a debt I can never repay.

I owe them both debts I can never repay.

And I know they wouldn't want me to. The only payment they ever wanted was love. We all shared years and years of love and because of these two women, women that live on in me, I am here. The Lord used them to give me life.

Just yesterday I had two women, both of whom have been a huge part of my life, both of whom have lost their mother, tell me that I am the closest thing to a mom that they have now. Hearing them say that was an honor to me. I am to them what my mother and grandmother were to me.

Life truly is a circle, one generation comes and goes and the next generation steps into place. In my case, two generations will soon be gone, but I am here as is the generation under me. The circle continues. The Lord's plan keeps playing out. It's His story to write and He is writing it well.

I do not know what He has in store for my future but I do know that He has it all planned out. I must simply live it and wait to see how He has written it for me. I also know that He is using this moment in time to teach me lessons that life never taught me.

I lost my mother with no warning. I am losing my grandmother moment by moment and I must somehow find it in myself to turn her lose. To let her go.

The shock of death was horrible. The agony of finding a way to say, "it's okay. You can leave us." is no less horrible.

Death is a lesson I did not want to learn.