Forgiveness is one of those things that is often more a
decision we make than anything else. There are many emotions involved and it
goes deeper than just letting go of anger or moving beyond hurt. We must decide
to forgive.
In my early years as a mother someone did something that
hurt my grandmother badly. She was angry and bitter over what happened and
refused to forgive the people…one person especially…involved. I reminded her
once that we are supposed to forgive but she said that she would never forgive
that person. My grandmother held onto her hurt and anger and refused to forgive
even when the forgiving would have done far more for her than it would have
ever done for the person being forgiven.
My grandmother chose not to forgive those that had wronged
her and in so choosing she wound up living with the hurt of not forgiving. The
other person, although affected by my grandmother’s pain and anger, was not
affected nearly as much as my grandmother was.
For many years I believed that forgiveness was something we
only had to do for those that had done us wrong somehow. And we certainly do
have to forgive those that have wronged us. Scripture tells us….
Forgiveness is something that Christians are to do. We are
to forgive whether we want to or not. There are times when forgiveness comes
hard. Times when it seems nearly impossible, when we have a hard time
forgiving, much the way my grandmother did, but even in those times we must
forgive.
Someone once told me that a true Christian will forgive even
the worst of betrayals. Our human hearts and minds have a tendency to have a
hard time with forgiveness. I know for me, I had no idea of the true depths to
which forgiveness should go…needs to go. As I said earlier, I used to believe
that forgiveness must only be given to those that have wronged us in some way,
but there’s more to it than that. When I learned that it was as if my eyes were
opened to just what forgiveness is.
It is basically a need to forgive the world and all that are
in it. I was dumbfounded when that concept sank in. At that point in my life I
tended to see people by the choices they made and I guess, in a way, I held
those choices against them. I saw those living lives that basically had them
wallowing in sin as being bad choices on their part and although I ‘put up with
them,’ I couldn’t see past their choices. Then came the day that I understood
that they are slaves to sin, that many are vessels of destruction (Romans
9:22-23) that cannot change what they are doing.
I understood that the Lord controls all. The good and the
bad. And I understood that there was a need for a different kind of forgiveness.
A forgiveness that must be given to even those that we have never met.
And still sometimes I forget to look at people, at the
world, in that light. I forget sometimes, too often, to remember forgiveness
first.
But I recently watched a movie, a rare thing for me, that
had me wondering just how far forgiveness can go. In this case, it is the
forgiving those that have wronged us kind of forgiveness. And I began to wonder
how far it could go.
It’s one thing to forgive someone for even the most heinous
acts against us when we simply forgive them and move on with our lives,
relegating them and the wrong done to us into some corner of our heart and
mind. But…
How far can forgiveness go?
I remember a number of years ago there was a shooting in an
Amish school. The story filled the news for quite some time. It seemed that
once the story itself began to wan the world became fascinated with a whole
different side of the tragic event. The parents of the victims forgave the man
that killed and harmed their children. Not only that but if I remember
correctly…and my memory on this may be faulty…the families of the children that
were the victims reached out to the widow and children of the man that did the
harming of their children. They offered help to the woman that was just as much
a victim as they were.
It was a staggering concept for our country. A country that
rarely embraces true forgiveness.
It is just that sort of situation that makes me wonder how
far can forgiveness go? The man that shot those Amish children died the same
day. He numbered in those that lost their lives in his evil act. But…what if he
had lived? Would those Amish families have been able to offer him the same
forgiveness? If he had lived could they have offered the wife and children the
same help as they did knowing he was dead? Could they have befriended him?
Could they have taken their forgiveness to the point of sending him letters in
prison? Of being his friend and offering him support as he went through the
aftermath of the choice he made that day?
I know a woman that is very good friends with her husband’s
ex-wife. This woman told me that there was a time when she couldn’t stand the
ex-wife, that they didn’t get along at all. And now they are good friends.
That isn’t anywhere near the kind of forgiveness that would
be required of someone if they were forgiving someone that had hurt them
horribly…although I will admit that I know nothing of the situation with this
woman, her husband, and his ex-wife.
But I do know that there had to be some pain involved in
that situation. This woman had to have heard at least some of what transpired
between her husband and his ex-wife. What did it take for her to be able to
become good friends with her?
Even as I think of the forgiveness that happened between the
wife and the ex-wife…I know that that doesn’t come close to the lengths to
which I wonder…
How far can forgiveness go?
I came across an article some time back, as I was
researching prison, about a dad that wrote to the man that killed his son. In
the small bit of the letter I read it showed the dad offering to ‘adopt’ the
man that killed his son as his own son. This dad, in the letter, explained that
the man that was killed was his only child and he would now like to adopt this
man, the man that cost him the life of his only child, as his son.
I stopped reading not long after that because it was at
about that point that I discovered the author of the letter was supposed to be
God, the murdered son, Jesus. And I don’t care for that sort of thing. For some
reason it just rubs me the wrong way. If the Lord had wanted to speak to us
like that we would see that sort of thing in Scripture.
But it brings to mind how far forgiveness can really go. If
we stop and think about it…that is really how far we have been forgiven. My
sins killed Christ…and I was adopted by the Lord. I was forgiven that much.
Could we forgive that much?
In the movie that started me to wondering just how far
forgiveness can go a woman was raped and became pregnant. This young woman
chose to forgive her attacker and even took their son to meet him. She went
time and again to visit with the man that had raped her out of her own need to
forgive him.
Through those visits she and the young man seemed to form a
friendship. At times it even looked as if they were forming some kind of
relationship.
This young man had done a horrible thing that had very long
lasting and painful consequences…not only for the young woman but for the young
man as well.
In the movie, the young man’s story…or a small part of
it…unfolds so that we see something of his life before that single act that had
such far reaching consequences. The viewer is given a glimpse into the life of
this young man and is shown that he is a person, not just the bad man most
would label him as.
What he did was wrong and that wasn’t down played in the
movie, but the movie showed him as a person that experienced much before
arriving at that moment in time that forever changed his life and a young
woman’s life.
As I watched the friendship that seemed to grow between this
young woman, that had been so hurt by this man, and the young man that had hurt
her, I knew the theme behind the movie was forgiveness and redemption. And I
wondered how far the movie makers would take that theme.
But then…I began to wonder just how far forgiveness could be
taken.
This movie caught my attention because of the name, Loving the bad man, and because it
showed a couple visiting in a prison on the cover. I have recently done much
research on prison, have read more articles and information on prison than I
can count. I have read stories of people in prison and those affected by
prison.
A small part of what has come out of all that research is my
recent post titled Spiritual Prisoners.
There is no doubt that most people in prison did something
to get themselves there. But there is no doubt that those people are still
people. They aren’t always the bad people that the news and other media outlets
would have us believe. And even when they are as bad as we are led to
believe…they are still people.
I have in mind to write a post about remembering
prisoners…and have not yet felt equipped to write that post. And so I keep
reading, keep learning. And in doing so…I keep…feeling.
And as I watched that movie I began to wonder just how far
the makers of that movie would take their theme of forgiveness. But I also began
to wonder just how far forgiveness could go.
In that movie was a young man with a troubled past. He made
a very bad decision, one he regretted after the fact, while under the influence
of alcohol. I’m not in any way excusing what he did…even if it was fiction…but
as the young woman found forgiveness for this young man, they formed a
friendship. And I wondered if it would be possible for that woman to forgive to
the point that the young couple could have a future together.
Whether or not they could get to a point where love could
grow between them.
And if forgiveness couldn’t go that far, could it go far
enough for them to raise their son in a better way than his daddy had been
raised.
It was fiction and so forgiveness could have been written
into the movie in any way the movie makers had wanted to write it. But real
life isn’t fiction and often things in life go in ways that we cannot foresee.
And I wondered if it could ever be possible that two people in similar
situations could ever forgive to the point of moving forward, in any kind of
relationship, together.
I know a woman that conceived a child as a result of date
rape. That isn’t all that common an occurrence, at least the date rape isn’t.
It happens regularly. And as I wonder how far forgiveness can go…I think of the
women that experience date rape. In most of those cases they probably liked the
man involved before the rape happened.
How far could forgiveness go?
In the movie I watched, the man was intoxicated to the point
that he remembered little or nothing of that night, the next morning. Later he
admitted to remembering almost nothing of the events that happened. That is no
excuse for what happened…but…how far could forgiveness go?
I know there are many married women who have been raped at
the hands of their husbands. There are laws against that. There is no excuse
for it, even in marriage. But…many of those women stay with their husbands for
years. They must find some sort of forgiveness to be able to do that.
I know a woman whose husband did not share her beliefs in
the Lord. She told me that she was persecuted in her own home. That was a very
difficult time for her. A time she struggled through. She had to find
forgiveness for her husband.
What about people whose parents abused them when they were
children? Some of them grow up to have good relationships with those parents.
Forgiveness is found in those relationships. Some of those adults after
experiencing abuse at the hands of their parents leave their own children in
the care of those same parents.
I’ve heard it said that love is a choice. And oftentimes it
really is. Sometimes the only way to love someone is to choose to love them.
Sometimes we must literally decide to love a person that we could never love in
our hearts.
I know that may sound impossible…choosing to love someone
when we are incapable of feeling love for them but love isn’t just an emotion.
Sometimes it’s a decision.
Several months ago I had something in my hands…some kind of
book or booklet…on marriage. I don’t remember what it was but I remember
reading it. In it the author said something about how people that go into
marriage expecting to feel the emotions of being in love aren’t prepared for
the times when they don’t feel love for their spouse. This article had
something to do with the high rate of divorce in our country and how many
couples aren’t prepared for the reality of what marriage is.
The thing that stands out to me now is the part about the
couples not being prepared for the moments when they don’t feel love for their
spouse. I think that article went into how that leads to a good number of
divorces…because the couples think they need to feel love to love.
Sometimes love is an action and not a feeling. Sometimes it’s
a decision and not a feeling. Yes, ideally, love is a feeling, an emotion, too.
It is best when we can feel love for those that we love. But sometimes we must
choose to love them even when the feeling isn’t there.
Some people truly are impossible to love and the only way to
love them is to decide to love them.
Sometimes we don’t feel like forgiving someone. Some hurts seem
too deep to allow for forgiveness. But Scripture tells us we must forgive and
we often find that forgiveness is what we needed to help us get past the hurt.
And that forgiveness often starts as a decision to forgive, much the way love
sometimes must be a decision.
And often we benefit greatly from the forgiving. But knowing
all that… I still found myself wondering, as I watched that movie, and even
now, how far can forgiveness go?
I have, in the past, been an avid reader of romance novels. I
started reading contemporary romance novels when I was 14 years old and read
them pretty much daily for years and years. When the Lord began to change my
heart one of the first things he took from me was the romance novels. That was
a hard thing to give up. I truly did enjoy them at that time and it took me
several years to move over to Christian romance novels, eventually He took
those too.
But…in romance novels there is always a problem between the
couple. Something big that keeps the man and woman in the book from being
together. In those books there are often couples with a past. Sometimes there
is great hurt between the couple. Yes, it’s fiction but real life happens with
great hurt too.
Pick any scenario you want to and it could probably be
worked into a romance novel, ‘Christian’ or not.
There are many romance novels written about secret children.
Children, of all ages, that the woman in the book didn’t tell the man in the
book they had. When the couple meets back up, the woman has this man’s child, a
child he knew nothing about.
That happens all too often in real life.
How much forgiveness would be involved for the man to move
past the hurt of not being told he had a child, to loving the woman, marrying
her, and living out the rest of his days with her?
There are just about as many different scenarios of hurt
that need forgiveness as there are people.
My husband knows a man that talks often of his ex-wife. This
man is remarried with young children by his current wife, yet he speaks often
of the first wife and is very angry and resentful of her and the past they
share. My husband has encouraged him to forgive her and move on, to enjoy what
he has now, but this man continues to harbor bitterness and anger.
There are numerous reasons for our earthly pain. Sometimes
the pain, and the cause of the pain, are so great we don’t think we can get
over it.
Forgiveness must be found for us to find peace, to truly
move on. And often that means facing the hurt and pain of our pasts, whether
our yesterdays or our yesteryears. We often must work through that pain,
feeling it again, reliving it, in order to turn loose of it. We must pray over
it and understand that the Lord works even our pain for good. No matter how bad
that pain may be.
Back to the movie, though fiction, that I recently watched.
In that movie a child was created from a horrible act. That single act left
both the man and woman with scars. They both had hurts and pain from that
single act that they had to work through. In a lot of ways, in that movie, they
seemed to work through their hurts as they formed an unlikely friendship.
Forgiveness doesn’t always come easily but Christians are
commanded to forgive. It could be said that we have been forgiven the most
heinous act of all time…the death of the Lord. And if we’ve been forgiven that
much…how much more should we forgive others?
And still I wonder…
How far can forgiveness go?
No comments:
Post a Comment