What I believe on who is going to heaven

A couple of my posts lately have spoken against Arminianism. I have nothing against Arminians. Having been raised with those beliefs I firmly believe that there are a lot of them that quite simply do not know that what they believe in isn’t in the Bible. Their faith rests in the beliefs that they have been taught and they’ve been shown Scripture in such a way that when they read the Bible the Scripture they read holds the same views as what they’ve been taught.

I truly believe it is a deep delusion that keeps them from seeing the truth. I also believe after having known many an Arminian that there are many different types of Arminian belief. Some believe in such a shallow way as to hold almost no belief at all while others hold so fast to the ‘God’ that they believe in that their faith seems very genuine. It isn’t my place to decide whether it is or not.

I’ve had loved one’s tell me that I believe that I’m the only one going to heaven or that I believe my husband and I are the only ones going to heaven. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Who does and does not get to go to heaven is a decision for the Lord to make and it’s a decision I wouldn’t want to make.

I will admit that there are people that I truly believe at this very moment won’t go to heaven but even believing that in this moment doesn’t mean the Lord won’t save them in the next moment. And so I try very hard not to even make a guess as to who will and will not be saved.

I pray hard for the salvation of others. I hurt for the souls of those that are lost. I ache for the souls of those that will never be found.

But I do not now, nor do I ever, presume to make an assumption as to who will and will not go to heaven.

 

He cared enough to say it

Last night I went to bed with earphones in my ears, listening to a sermon that I had never heard before. That was a first for me, I don't generally go to bed listening to anything but I had started this sermon and I wanted to finish it. The message wasn’t new to me. I heard nothing in it that I didn’t know. But the delivery was new, the fact that it was delivered and the location it was delivered.

Those were new.

And I found myself wishing I could be in a congregation just once where such a message was delivered. Not for me but for what it would mean for all the people in the audience. And for the simple fact of knowing someone understood the Truths of Scripture and they cared more about delivering the message of those truths than they did the acceptance of the congregation they were preaching to..

Today I want to share the link to that sermon with you.

http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=52906154239

What if God...

I’ve had in mind to write a post for a while. One that has been nagging at me, picking at me, never fully forming but never letting me go either. Maybe it’s the Lord’s way of telling me He wants me to write this, or maybe it’s my Spirit…afraid that I will write it in the flesh and not in the Spirit.

You see, for me, this is a difficult post. I struggle with the very idea of writing it. I struggle with the topic, with the concept. I struggle because…

I don’t know why.

But I have struggled with it. And yet the idea won’t leave me alone.

My husband is far ahead of me in his journey with Christ. He sees Scripture and life in a way that I don’t yet. And that’s okay. It’s how it should be. I wouldn’t want to be ahead of him. I want him to guide me.

But I know too, that I am ahead of some. Ahead of many if you take into consideration those that are unregenerate. Normally, when I write a blog post it just comes to me…easy and natural. Without any effort on my part. This isn’t one of those posts. It isn’t coming easy, I’m not sure I have it in me to write this, and yet the idea just won’t leave me alone.

And so I’m going to write it.

Please bear with me if it’s choppy or otherwise wrong. I’m writing it because I can’t not write it…not because I want to.

A few days ago I wrote a post that I titled vessels. In it I hinted at this post…a post I had not yet written but a post I knew would come one day soon. Here is what I put in that post…

That brings me to a topic I want to cover in another post but will briefly touch on here. The Lord has planned our paths since before the beginning of time. I once said I wished the Lord would just reach down and put me where He wanted me. When I got off the path He'd reach down and move me back. Like a pawn in a game board. When I said that my mother told me to be careful what I was saying because living like that would be a bad thing. But for me it wouldn't be. I said that before I fully understood the Truths of Scripture. Now I know I'm nothing but a pawn in the Lord's game. He does put me where he wants me. And since He does, since the plan for my life was long ago mapped out...what and who had to be in place at certain points in my life to get me to where the Lord wanted me so that He could save me when He did. The people, good and bad, that were in my life...the experiences, good and bad...all added up to making sure I was who and what the Lord wanted me to be at the moment that He moved me into the next place. To get me to the point that He could save me...how many people crossed my path and effected who I was? How many people helped test and strengthen my faith? How many people helped break my spirit? How many vessels of destruction might the Lord have had to use to get me to be the person He wanted me to be?

 

There is something in Scripture that I still struggle with. Something I can’t fully understand. I’ve thought on it, prayed on it, discussed it with my husband. And yet…I still don’t fully understand. There are verses that imply that we are puppets on the Lord’s string, that we are pawns in His game. Arminians firmly believe that we have free will. The freedom to choose whether to believe in Christ or not. This belief in free will goes far beyond the freedom to choose Christ. It is a deep held belief that we have the freedom to choose anything.

But do we?

If the Lord is sovereign, if He has a plan for us…Do we have the freedom to choose anything? That is where I struggle. My husband tells me that we can choose some things and that the Lord will use it all to His glory. He will use our choices to bring about His plan. That when we step away from Him the Lord will draw us back.

Okay. I can understand that. But then I get to that point where I wonder just what I was allowed to choose and what was just a part of ‘The Plan’ as my daughter put it.

My husband often refers to my writing as an example. He tells me that the people I write about have no say in how the story goes. That because I am the author, I’m the one writing, everything is my choice. It’s my plan. It’s my story. And the people are in my story to serve a purpose.

I can understand that too. But I know…as a writer…that those people never have a say in what I write.

But…that is an issue that makes no difference except in how we as people, as believers see things. It doesn’t change the way they are.

But I like being a puppet on the Lord’s string. I like knowing that He will keep me on the path He has planned for me. It makes my mess-ups easier to bear. Makes life easier to bear because I know all I have to do is trust in the Lord and He will keep me where He wants me.

But what did it take to get me to the point of regeneration?

I don’t even know when I was regenerated, born again, saved…whatever term you want to place on it…I don’t know when I took that step on this journey.

I know two people that are regenerated. Out of the hundreds, thousands, of people I know…there are only two that I know are regenerated. Out of all the people I’ve ever known…there are two that I know were regenerated. There may have been more over the years and I just didn’t know. But I know of only two in my life.

If I throw myself into the mix…that brings me to three people that I know have been truly born again. I pray that I’m wrong…that I’ve miscounted, but if there are more than the fruit has not shown the spirit.

The more I’ve gotten to know these two people that are regenerated the more I’ve seen something that has made me question. You see…here’s where ‘The Plan’ comes in, where being puppets on a string comes in. The Lord, long before time began, knew who would live and who they would be. For some reason He chose some of those people to be His, a people set apart for Him. I’ve asked myself many times what did He see in me that made Him chose me over someone else? I know it was nothing I did.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:8-10

I did nothing to gain His favor. I did nothing to earn salvation.

 I did nothing.

But for some reason He chose me. Out of all of time, out of the millions of people he could have picked…he chose me.

But…he didn’t just pick my name out of the many then forget about me. For we are his workmanship…which God prepared beforehand… I am His workmanship. He prepared me beforehand.

He prepared me.

That is what has been nagging at me, tugging at me, making me think, making me wonder. He prepared me.

He

Prepared

…Me.

How? In what way did He prepare me? What did He put in place in my life so that I could get to where He wanted me?

What did He put in the lives of the other two people I know that are regenerated so that He could save them? Save us?

If I walked into a group of people looking to find three people in the crowd that could do something for or with me I’d have an idea of what I was looking for.

Am I looking for people to help make a quilt? I’d want people that not only knew how to sew well but that knew how to piece material together, sandwich layers together, and turn it all into a quilt.

Am I moving? I’d want men that were strong enough to help carry the heavy stuff.

I may chose certain people out of a crowd and I may do it based on what appears to be who they are right now but I would need certain things to have gotten them to where I needed them today. Those quilters would have had to be taught how to sew, how to quilt, long before I walked into that crowd. The men I’d need to help me move would need the physical strength to lift on things like refrigerators and washing machines. They would need to have at least some background of physical work to get them that kind of strength. I wouldn’t be picking little girls or young boys for a job of moving heavy objects.

What, then, did the Lord put in the lives of the regenerate long before we were saved? What did He put in our lives that ensured we got to the place where He could save us?

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:15-26

I never fail to get caught up on ‘I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God’. Those that do such things WILL NOT inherit the kingdom of God.  As I look down that list of things we are warned against, things we are told we cannot inherit the kingdom of God if we do, I see things I have done in my life. And yet…He saved me. Then I look at the list of the fruits of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;

Love. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

Every one of those fruits are difficult to come by. They aren’t things that come naturally to man as a whole. Very few people can say they’ve always been gentle or that they’ve never struggled with self-control. They aren’t just in us. We may be blessed to come by a couple of those traits naturally but somewhere along the way, even those that are naturally patient or naturally peaceful…at some time they will struggle with something on that list.

And Scripture tells us that we aren’t naturally good. We come into this world filled with sin. And we struggle with it all of our days.

What then takes us from a sinful nature that seeks after the things we are told will keep us from inheriting the kingdom of God to having the fruits of the Spirit? What must the Lord put into place in our lives that make us into what He needs us to be when He saves us?

What?

Or who?

Of the three people I know that are regenerate, counting myself, not one of us came through childhood unscathed. We all experienced abuse. We all experienced the sort of things most parents try and protect their children from. I know there are many people with backgrounds such as ours, many children that experience abuse. Many children that learn to be adults long before they’re grown.

And most of them aren’t regenerate. Most of them are just as lost as everyone else. So…it wasn’t that. Except…was it? Did experiencing abuse as a child break us enough so that we would have a broken spirit later in life, so the Lord could save us when the time came?

Did being put in positions where we had to take care of ourselves, or others, long before we were old enough to be looking out for ourselves mature us so that we would have the maturity to give up the things of the world and seek after Christ?

It’s well understood that children that are given everything they want in childhood grow up to be selfish adults. It’s understood that children that live without discipline become brats.

I have a friend who very recently shared a philosophy of hers on raising children. In it she said that habits formed in childhood create the habits and personality of the person in adulthood. I doubt there’s anyone out there that would dispute that belief. What we are as children is usually what we become as adults. Usually…but not always.

I know someone that was very self-centered as a child. This person was violent and didn’t care if they hurt others. They aren’t that way as an adult. This person now cares about others. This person is helpful and considerate of others.

But even with the changes that took place in that persons personality their childhood still impacted who they are today. As parents we try to guide and mold our children into what we want them to become.

My daughter has a friend whose parents are both professionals. These parents have raised this girl to understand that college isn’t an option. The girl has said that very thing to my daughter. That she must go to college. In her family that is just the way it is. College is expected. A profession is expected. These parents have raised their children so that they believe they must go to college.

I don’t share those beliefs. Neither does my husband. Out of seven children, three of which are grown, one that soon will be, we have none seeking college. None that are after a profession. We simply have not ingrained into our children the belief that college is important.

We didn’t put the idea of college and a profession into our children’s lives when they were young and they aren’t seeking it now.

What did the Lord put in our paths in childhood that prepared us for the life He wanted us to live? What did He keep out of our paths that protected us from seeking things that would have taken us away from Him?

Romans 9:22-23 says…

What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, ²³ in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory—

As I look back over my life I can see many people that affected my life. Many people that affected the choices I made. Because I knew that person, or because I saw that person’s life and the turns it took, I made choices that kept me off a certain path. There were people in my life that shaped my personality, experiences I had that affected my very nature…my spirit…my soul.

What if God…put those people there to make me who I am?

What if God…made me go through those experiences so that I could become who and what He wanted me to be?

What if God…planned it all ahead of time?

What if…I’m only a puppet on His string? Living the life He’s placed me in, experiencing the things He wants me to experience.

What if…

Only I don’t need the what if because I firmly believe the Lord did have a plan for my life, he did have everything mapped out, knowing ahead of time what He wanted me to be, and making everything work out so that I would become the person He wanted in the time He wanted me to be that person.

But I didn’t always see it that way. And even now…I marvel at the idea that those things I saw as so bad in childhood may well have been the very things that shaped me into who I became so that the Lord could save me.

This second

Scripture tells us we are to set our minds on the things above not on the things of the earth. Once I found that a difficult task but as my journey took me closer to Christ I discovered it wasn’t hard at all. My soul started looking to those things above without any help from me.

Without me knowing quite how it happened Christ became my constant companion. He’s there when I wake up in the morning, there as I go through my day, there when I fall asleep at night. I know He’s there because I feel His presence in me.

But while I’m looking on the things above there is the earthly part of my life. The everyday happenings that go on with me and around me.

Last night I was reminded of something.

Somewhere I read a saying that went something like treasure those you love because someday God will need them back. I never forget to love my family and friends. Never forget to tell them I love them. But sometimes in the busyness of the day I may forget to show them. I may forget to enjoy them.

Right now, as I lay in bed trying to hold onto the baby in my womb, I am learning to treasure every second. Circumstances in my life the last seven months have taught me what it’s like to truly live in the moment, to grab onto today because it may be all I get, to enjoy what I have right here right now. I learned that lesson through circumstances I would never have chosen. I thought learning to grab onto today was as far as I could take…

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

…but I was wrong. In the last twenty four hours I’ve learned it can be taken even further. While I struggle not to worry about what’s going to happen, I am learning to treasure every second.

Because this second may be all that I get.

I can’t know what the next second will bring with my unborn baby. And as I treasure each second and face the next with a world of unknowns I’m learning a lesson I’d have rather not learned in this way. I’m learning it isn’t just today, isn’t just this moment that we must be concerned with. We aren’t promised tomorrow.

But we aren’t promised another second either.

This second, this single dot in time, is all we can be assured of. Life happens in an instant. And so does death. One second a baby isn’t there, the next…conception. One second someone is alive, the next…death.

This second is precious because it may be all we ever get.

I had forgotten

The first step I can remember taking on this journey to Christ was when my second child was born with heart problems. In what seemed like an instant I learned what it meant to depend on the Lord because I had nothing else to see me through. In that moment I went from going through life mostly able to control what was happening around me, or so I thought, to having no control at all. I did what everyone does in those situations.

I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed.

Then I kept on praying. I prayed through days of holding my daughter because I was afraid to put her down. I prayed through nights of sleeping with her on my chest because that was the only place she seemed able to get comfortable…and it was the only place I was comfortable with her being. I prayed through doctor’s visits and tests. I prayed through surgery.

My faith took a turn through all of that. I was dragged onto a path I couldn’t see then. Over the nearly twelve years since that daughter was born I’ve taken more and more steps, been pulled further and further onto the path, had my faith deepened until everything I am hinges on my faith in the Lord.

But I had forgotten.

I remembered what it was like in those early days and years with my daughter. I remembered what we went through. I remembered that time as being rough physically and emotionally. I remembered the worry, the fear, the helplessness.

But I had forgotten.

I had forgotten the soul deep fear. The near terror that fills your heart and mind as you fear for your child. And the total dependence on the Lord. A dependence that is brought on by the fact that you are afraid and helpless. I had forgotten what it was like to pray for your child’s life.

Last night I was reminded. This time the fear and worry, the prayers, are all for my unborn baby. I’d do anything I could to save this baby and yet I can do nothing.

Nothing but wait. Nothing but pray.

Prayer is my strongest weapon. I know that. I have complete faith in the Lord. I know he has a plan for my baby, for me but that doesn’t make this time any easier.

There are other situations in my life right now where I know I’m totally dependent on the Lord for the outcome, other situations where I’d like to make things happen a certain way. But as hard as those things are they haven’t come with this soul deep fear. And it’s that fear that reminded me what it’s like to be fearfully in dependence on my Lord. To put my faith in Him when my fears threaten to take over.

It was a reminder I’d rather not have had. It’s a reminder I got anyway.

Who is leading them astray?

 I firmly believe the Lord planned my life before I was born.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you… Jeremiah 1:5

He knew the paths I would take, the places He wanted me to be.

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps. Jeremiah 10:23

 

I know that the lord planned my path before I was born. I also know he planned every person’s path through all eternity and yet sometimes, when I think of the things being taught in the ‘churches’ today…I can’t help wonder how many people are being lost, how many are following a false Jesus, because of what they’ve learned in ‘church?’ How many have learned to freely choose to follow Jesus or not? How many think they can say a prayer and be assured of their salvation no matter how they live their life?

            How many preachers are leading hundreds, thousands, astray, one sermon at a time? How many preachers and teachers ‘know’ the Bible and blindly lead their flock day after day, year after year?

            My faith grew the most when I was out of ‘church.’ I began to see Scripture the way it’s written when I wasn’t being led by a preacher or teacher.

These things I have written to you concerning those who are trying to deceive you. As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him. 1 John 2:26-27

I know the Lord is calling His elect, that He’s saving them where they are…in ‘church’, out of ‘church’, but still…sometimes I wonder how many preachers are the reason some people will not see the Truth? It is God’s plan. There will be none lost that He doesn’t choose not to save. I know this…but how many of those that won’t be saved will be left unsaved because the method the Lord used to blind them is the ‘church?’

There is no answer to that question because the Lord works His plan out the way He wants to. These people are lost; they were lost before they were born.

What if God, although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction? And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory, Romans 9:22-23

If it is the ‘church’ that is keeping them lost it is only because it is the method the Lord is using to make it happen. But sometimes I still think about these things, still wonder…how many will never see because they’re being led down the wrong path by someone promising them salvation?

With that question still floating in my mind, I take us all to 2 Peter 2…

But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. 2 And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. 3 And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.

4 For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment; 5 if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven others, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly; 6 if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to ashes he condemned them to extinction, making them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly; 7 and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked 8 (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard); 9 then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials,4 and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, 10 and especially those who indulge5 in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.

Bold and willful, they do not tremble as they blaspheme the glorious ones, 11 whereas angels, though greater in might and power, do not pronounce a blasphemous judgment against them before the Lord. 12 But these, like irrational animals, creatures of instinct, born to be caught and destroyed, blaspheming about matters of which they are ignorant, will also be destroyed in their destruction, 13 suffering wrong as the wage for their wrongdoing. They count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you. 14 They have eyes full of adultery, insatiable for sin. They entice unsteady souls. They have hearts trained in greed. Accursed children! 15 Forsaking the right way, they have gone astray. They have followed the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved gain from wrongdoing, 16 but was rebuked for his own transgression; a speechless donkey spoke with human voice and restrained the prophet's madness.

17 These are waterless springs and mists driven by a storm. For them the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved. 18 For, speaking loud boasts of folly, they entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error. 19 They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved. 20 For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. 21 For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. 22 What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.”

 

What makes you who you are?

What makes you who you are? Deep down inside, the very essence of your being…what is it? It is the heartbeat of your soul, the lifes blood of your spirit…what is it? What do you think about when you wake up in the morning? What makes you happy as you go through your day? What do you seek in your free time? What do you want in your life?

What makes you who you are?

It’s what you believe in that space so deep inside that it changes the very core of who you are. It’s what effects the way you see life, the way you think, the things you seek every day.

Who or what lives in that innermost place that is you and you alone?

Who fills your cup when you run dry?

Who holds you up when you can’t stand?

Who does your soul talk to when your mind is silent?

The journey

The path stretches ahead, long and winding. Slow and gently rolling at times. At other times it twists and turns, climbs and drops, doubles back on itself and even has knots tied in the path that I must traverse to reach my Savior.

I once thought it was an easy path. One that all I had to do was take a long road through a meandering countryside where the weather was perfect, the sun was shining and there were big white fluffy clouds in the sky.

I was wrong.

Trials and tribulations. That’s what we’re promised. Nothings fair, the road’s not wide and smooth, the path isn’t free of rocks and kinks, the weather isn’t all sunshine and pretty clouds at the perfect temperature. The weather comes in spurts of blizzards and hurricanes interspersed with sunshine. The path is narrow and hard to see at times. Sometimes I can stand up and walk, other times I crawl. Sometimes I have to dodge branches and brambles. And sometimes I must wiggle through knots in the path that are pulled so tight I don’t think I’ll be able to get through them.

In one hand I cling to the map that is the Word of God, with the other I reach toward Heaven begging my savior to take me by the hand and lead me where He wants me to go.

I’m going along just fine, stumbling here and there, taking the weather and the twists as they come. Then I round a bend in the path and there before me my rocky road is headed straight up a mountain bigger than Mt. Everest, covered in thick layers of ice, in the midst of a blizzard that obscures everything. I can faintly see what looks like a series of knots in the path, pulled so tight I can’t see a spot to wiggle through.

Maybe it’s the blizzard obscuring the openings, maybe it’s the mountain but something brings me to a halt. I stand on this path that I didn’t choose, seeking my Savior that I want more than anything and I know I’m about to fail. The temptation to look back and see if I can see the stretch of path that was all sunshine and easy going just a few steps back beckons. I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to go back. I like the path I’m on.

I stumble to a stop. Something inside warns me that this is about to get very, very difficult. My heart cries out to my Lord. Silently. Begging Him to clear the path. If only the path would stop here, if only I could stay in this place forever. But I can’t. I want to keep forging ahead, growing closer to my Lord. But the temptation is there none the less.

I take a few steps forward my hand stretched toward Heaven, my map now clutched tightly to my chest. And I stumble. Those aren’t small rocks on the path. They’re large and round, mixed with slick mud that tries to pull me in and hold me in place. I struggle to gain my footing and continue down the path. Mud latches onto my feet weighing me down, slowing my steps. Icy wind slams against me with every step. It blows through my clothes and bombards me until my fingers are frozen and I can no longer feel my feet.

And still I stumble forward.

But as that mountain looms before me, as those knots in the path grow ever closer my steps grow slower, my feet hit a patch of ice and as I slide back down the path my emotions take over. And my flesh begs to demand of my Creator what He was thinking. The questions flit through my mind to wonder why He gave me this path. When thorns grow up in front of me, as they tear at my clothes I push them aside along with the questions. It’s not my place to question my Lord. And I keep going.

Slower now. My teeth are chattering from the cold, snow is sliding down my neck, mud has coated my feet. But the path keeps going. It’s like an escalator. I can’t stop it, can’t stop my forward momentum I can only go forward. Placing one foot in front of the other, struggling up the slick and icy path. Through the swirling white I can just make out enough of the path to see that before I reach the knot I must climb straight up the mountain. Just to the left of the path there’s an easier way, it gently moves over hills that slowly go over the mountain, but here in front of me is a sheer cliff that I must scale.

So scale it I do. I cling to it with bare hands and feet that are weighed down with enough mud to make me wonder if someone isn’t holding onto me, pulling me back. But I keep climbing.

This isn’t a mountain I wanted to scale. These aren’t the trials I wanted to face. Anger starts to take hold as I try and shake some of the mud off my feet. I lose a shoe but the mud hangs on. I claw at the rocky surface of the sheer cliff, trying to gain a hold that will keep me from sliding on the icy path. I tell myself I can’t get angry. It isn’t allowed.

I’m supposed to be thankful for everything that comes my way. But…the flesh battles the spirit. The anger wants to win. Hand over hand, one footstep at a time, I climb the cliff. I stay on the path. It’s so narrow now that I can feel open air on either side of me. I can sense the deep void of nothingness which I know isn’t really nothingness because lining my path is a broader path. The easy way. The way that runs right alongside where I’m at.

But I’m not on that path. I’m on this one. And I want to be on the one I’ve been placed on. Only today, in this moment, as I lose three fingernails to the sharp rocks cutting into my hands, as my feet slip and slide and are long past feeling numb from the cold and the ice, as my flesh and my spirit do battle against themselves. Today…I fight anger at the One that placed me here.

I shouldn’t feel it. I can’t allow myself to feel it. It isn’t my place to ask questions or to demand answers. I’m not allowed to blame my Maker for the path He placed me on. And the guilt sets in. Because I don’t want to ever be angry with him. But the battle keeps raging. The snow turns to sleet. It hits me with the fierceness of knives, it cuts through me and lands blow after blow against my heart.

And I raise my hand.

I beg for forgiveness.

Beg for help.

Because I’m on this path. Because at the top of this cliff I can see the knots I know I must try and find a way to wiggle through. And worse…I can know see something huge and dark and threatening looming there. It waits for me as I keep climbing. I want to stop. I want to stay hanging on this cliff forever. Going backward isn’t an option; hanging on the cliff with the threat looming over me isn’t an option, even though I’d gladly stay here forever if only I didn’t have to face that threat.

I release the anger and raise my hand toward Heaven knowing my Lord is reaching for me even though I can’t see Him. Peace is there but so is pain. The pain of the icy knives slicing into my heart, cutting chunk after chunk out of me. It’s shredding me and still I climb because I’ve been given no other option. I was placed on this path and I cannot get off. I don’t want to get off. But I don’t want to face the fog or the threat either.

And so the flesh and the spirit battle.

But I’ve found my Savior again. I can feel His hand on mine. I can feel Him lifting me up, holding me because I know I’m rapidly approaching that place when I can’t hold myself up anymore. The path has become too hard. It’s more than I can bear. And it keeps hurtling me closer and closer to the threat I can see looming, growing bigger and darker, at the top of the cliff. There’s no escaping the threat, no turning around, no avoiding it. I must keep climbing. I must struggle through the knots to reach the top.

And I must face the threat.

I know I won’t do it alone. I can’t do it alone. Already my legs are weak, my knees are buckling and my strength is about gone. It won’t be long now before I have nothing left to climb with and my Lord will have to carry me. I have no strength to get through the knots, no ability to scale the last of the cliff, and I know that I have nothing to fight the threat with.

I cling tighter to my Lord and let Him take my weight.

He’s going to have to carry me to the top, battle the threat for me, and see me safely over the mountain.

Because I can’t do it anymore.