I had forgotten

The first step I can remember taking on this journey to Christ was when my second child was born with heart problems. In what seemed like an instant I learned what it meant to depend on the Lord because I had nothing else to see me through. In that moment I went from going through life mostly able to control what was happening around me, or so I thought, to having no control at all. I did what everyone does in those situations.

I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed.

Then I kept on praying. I prayed through days of holding my daughter because I was afraid to put her down. I prayed through nights of sleeping with her on my chest because that was the only place she seemed able to get comfortable…and it was the only place I was comfortable with her being. I prayed through doctor’s visits and tests. I prayed through surgery.

My faith took a turn through all of that. I was dragged onto a path I couldn’t see then. Over the nearly twelve years since that daughter was born I’ve taken more and more steps, been pulled further and further onto the path, had my faith deepened until everything I am hinges on my faith in the Lord.

But I had forgotten.

I remembered what it was like in those early days and years with my daughter. I remembered what we went through. I remembered that time as being rough physically and emotionally. I remembered the worry, the fear, the helplessness.

But I had forgotten.

I had forgotten the soul deep fear. The near terror that fills your heart and mind as you fear for your child. And the total dependence on the Lord. A dependence that is brought on by the fact that you are afraid and helpless. I had forgotten what it was like to pray for your child’s life.

Last night I was reminded. This time the fear and worry, the prayers, are all for my unborn baby. I’d do anything I could to save this baby and yet I can do nothing.

Nothing but wait. Nothing but pray.

Prayer is my strongest weapon. I know that. I have complete faith in the Lord. I know he has a plan for my baby, for me but that doesn’t make this time any easier.

There are other situations in my life right now where I know I’m totally dependent on the Lord for the outcome, other situations where I’d like to make things happen a certain way. But as hard as those things are they haven’t come with this soul deep fear. And it’s that fear that reminded me what it’s like to be fearfully in dependence on my Lord. To put my faith in Him when my fears threaten to take over.

It was a reminder I’d rather not have had. It’s a reminder I got anyway.