If i could write a letter...

I wish I could write a letter to everyone I love. A letter that would show them my heart in a way that they could understand. A letter that would hand them every thought and feeling I have for them.

Years ago I wrote a family newsletter for our family…not my immediate family but for everyone in my grandmothers family…her brothers and sisters…their children and grandchildren…everyone. At that time I still watched secular movies. I watched a movie where someone had written a letter to their family members before they died. Each person got a letter. In it the person writing it told the person it was written to how much they meant to them, and why they made the choices in life that they had.

At that time that really resonated with me, enough so that I wrote an article in the family newsletter encouraging everyone to do just that. My thoughts at that time were on my elderly grandmother and how much she meant to me, how much I would love to have a letter from her after she died. My hopes in writing that article were that she would take what I was saying to heart and that she would write a letter to her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

I don’t know if she did. I’ve never heard a word about it from her. And although I can still say I’d like to get a letter like that from her-or any of my loved ones-upon the death of anyone I loved. A kind of final goodbye. There are some now that I would much rather have a letter from than others. And there are some that I could guess what they would say if they were to write me a letter.

My husband would encourage me to keep my eyes on Christ…to not be sad for him because he if he is gone from this world then he is in the presence of Christ…right where he wants to be. My grandmother…might remind me of the times we shared together…might remind me of the pain she knew in this body and how her time had come and she is happy to be reunited with her mother in heaven (that, by the way, is what she says about looking forward to death…it isn’t my belief or reasoning).

And yes, I’d still like to have a letter like that from my loved ones when their time comes…assuming it’s before mine. For that reason…I have written letters to my children over the years and sealed them in envelopes so they will have them…someday. I may give them some of them one of these days and I may not but I have written them. They are there.

But that isn’t the kind of letter I wish I could write right now. And although I know there’s nothing holding me back…I know there’s plenty holding me back. There are things we simply can’t say in life to those we love. But if I could write anything to those I love….and I kind of can write anything on this blog because very few people know who the author really is. That was done because I wanted the focus on Christ not on me, but it’s given me a slight buffer too. In writing what I want to because I know that most people don’t know that I’m the author of these posts.

If I could write a letter…

I’d write one letter to everyone. I’d explain who and what I am. I’d open my heart and invite them in. If I could write a letter it might go something like this…

 

Hello my dearest one,

If you knocked on my front door I would open it and ask you inside. I would offer you a place to sit down or better yet I’d offer you the spot on the couch next to me, snuggle next to you and tell you I’d like to share a story with you. Because you didn’t knock…I can’t invite you to sit with me. So I’m going to do a little better. I’m going to open the door of my heart to you…won’t you step inside? I’m going to tell you a story…won’t you stay and listen?

You, my dear one, are so very special to me. Do you know that? Do you know what you mean to me? Have I told you today how much I love you? Or how important you’ve been in my life?

I haven’t?

Then please, let me beg your forgiveness. Because you mean so much to me. I love you so very much.

Do you know now? Not yet? Then let me go a little farther. The Lord planted me on earth for reasons I can’t know. He gave me a place here and brought people into my life. Some of them stayed only a short while, others a lifetime. The Lord gave every one of those people a role in my life…you were here to touch me in some way…and He gave me a role in your life. We may or may not ever know how deeply we have touched each others lives but He knows.

I’d like to tell you a story…it is the story of me. My life has taken many twists and turns. I’ve been told more than once that I should write my life story because it has taken so many routes that many would love to read it. I’m not of a mind to write my life story. But I am of a mind to share a bit with you.

It doesn’t matter where I grew up or who my friends were. It doesn’t matter the mistakes I made along the way. What does matter is my walk with Christ and my relationship with you.

Since you already know your place in my life, let me start with Christ. If you’ve been around me very long you know that my walk with Christ has taken many steps, traveled paths that wound around until He firmly planted me on the path he wanted me on.

Christ saved me when I couldn’t save myself. He forgave my sins, overlooked my sinful nature and gave me a new heart…one with a desire for Him.

And that may be where I just lost you. That wasn’t my intention but it may be where I lost you before too. You see, I understand…if you don’t see Scripture as I do then I will lose you at this point each time. For that I’m sorry…and I hurt. I wish I could simply explain my walk with Christ to you and you see it all as I do. I wish I could help you so that you could understand. And I’d give anything if I could give you salvation but that’s the Lord’s place and not mine.

But…you say I’ve changed. That I’m different, I’m not the person you used to know. You’re right. I’m not. I’m sorry for that. Sorry that I changed on you. Sorry that I confused you. I wish I could have stayed what you knew and loved. For your sake. But I couldn’t. The Lord took my life down paths that changed me into what I am now. He changed me in so many ways.

Some of those changes have confused me. Some of them have left my head reeling and my feet struggling to gain firm ground. I can’t help the changes in me or the way I see things now. It all just sort of happened.

If it confuses you…don’t you think it confused me?

Those changes happened to me. Everything important in my life changed on me. And I was forced to change along with them.

I know you don’t approve of some of the choices I’ve made. I know you don’t like some of the changes in my life. I’m sorry. It was never my intention to hurt or confuse you. For that I will be forever sorry.

Please know that I love you. You matter to me and I will never intentionally hurt or confuse you.

If you stayed with me through my explanation on my faith and my walk with Christ…may I explain about the other changes? Were you the one that told me recently how much I’ve changed and that you don’t understand the choices I’ve made in life? If so…may I explain?

You see it doesn’t take much in life to change us. Moving to a new house changes us, facing an illness changes us, having a child with special needs changes us. Often those changes happen without our quite knowing how they happen or even that they are happening. It’s only with hindsight that we can look back and see what we used to be and are able to see what we’ve become.

I am in that place.

Christ changed me into what He wanted me to be but...He left me here going through experiences that are still changing me. The person I worked so hard to become over the years…isn’t Christ-like. The person circumstances turned me into isn’t Christ-like. And I want to be Christ-like. But more than that the Lord isn’t giving me any choice. He’s changing me…little by little…piece by piece. He just keeps molding and changing me through big things and little things in my life. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to change He just keeps changing me, keeps sending me through situations that change me.

If you don’t approve of the changes in me…know that I’m not making the changes. I’m going through them and coming out as the Lord wants me. If you don’t approve of the choices I’m making…know that I’m me and I’m making those choices based on what I feel is best for me and my family. And that they were all prayerfully made.

And above all else please know that I love you.

Thank you for taking the time to sit and listen to me. If this letter does nothing else I pray that it ensures you see Christ in me and that you know how important you are to me.

I love you