I always thought....

“I always thought I wouldn’t have to do this if I was married.”

I say that to my husband from time to time. I said it when I checked our son’s bike, I said it when I fixed the bedroom door. There are just some things that I assumed I’d never have to do if I was married. I told my sister the same thing when she and I were in one state, my husband in another and we were changing the tire on her car.

I had in my head that there were things a husband would take care of and I’d never have need to do those things again.

Today, as I lay in bed, attempting to hang on to my unborn child, three hundred miles away from home and my husband, I want to say those words. Only…it’s not that I never thought I’d have to go through something like this if I was married, I just never thought I’d have to go through it alone. Not that I’m alone. I have my children, my sister, and most importantly my Lord.

But I want to curl up in my husband’s arms. To talk to him, with him. To hear his voice, to let him soothe some of my fears. Instead…I’m here and…

I never thought I’d have to do this alone if I was married.

The Lord and His timing aren’t the same as what I’d choose. I would never have chosen this particular trial, would have done anything I could to prevent it but I got it anyway. And as this trial swirls not around me but inside me I’m left wishing it had never happened and longing for a slightly different scenario if it had to happen. If the Lord would have just timed it a little better… three days sooner and I’d have been with my husband, four days later and I’d have been with him. Instead He placed it right in the middle of the time when I’m not home. He placed it at a time when I’m away from the person that is my safe place, the person that makes the trials easier to bear, the person that I want with me…always…but never more than now.

And by placing me in this time the Lord has once again placed my dependence firmly on Him. I always depend on Him but I also depend on my husband. Today, as I keep in close contact with my husband…I keep in close contact with my Lord too.