She changed my life

Today my daughter turns 12. That’s a big milestone for her but it’s also a big milestone for me. You see…this is the daughter whose birth is…as best I can tell…the first step I took on the journey to Christ.

This daughter took the world I knew and turned it upside down then completely took it away. After her…nothing was ever the same again.

I have other children. They have all changed who I am. But they came into the world and fit into our family. They changed us as a family because they made us more, they made us stronger, they brought more love with them.

But this daughter…this daughter couldn’t just fit into our lives and become a part of the family. This daughter needed us to become the family she needed. As a result…

She changed my life.

It started before she was born. My due date came and went and no baby. My doctor wanted to induce. I was terrified. I’d only ever heard bad things about inductions and I didn’t want to go through that. When my doctor gave me a date that the induction would be done…the countdown started.

I had days to go into labor on my own.

I tried everything I knew of to bring on labor. I searched online and found more ways. I bought pills from the health food store. I walked until I was cramping so bad I could barely walk anymore. The pills did nothing. When I stopped walking the cramps stopped. Everything I tried…failed.

The night before the induction I prayed like I’d never prayed before. Never in my life had I felt the way I did that night. Full of fear. Fear for me, fear for my baby. I begged the Lord to let me go into labor. And then I prayed for something I never had before. I asked Him to get me through whatever came the next day. I asked Him to be with me as I went through that experience.

The fear didn’t go away.

Walking into that hospital the next morning was almost more than I could do. But I did it. And through my fear I faced all those things that scared me so badly. Eight hours later, four hours after I started feeling contractions, my daughter made her arrival in the world.

It would be 24 hours before I found out that the fear I had felt over going to the hospital wasn’t over. And it wasn’t the strongest fear I would feel.

Upon learning that my baby had heart problems I knew fear like I had never known it before. Fear that went all the way to my soul. Fear that was so consuming that it nearly overwhelmed me. I learned to focus on one thing at a time, to treasure every moment with the baby.

And I learned to pray like I never had before.

Because those early days and years with that daughter taught me that the control I thought I had…was an illusion…although it would take me years to realize I had no true control in my life. But in those days I knew what it was like to be at the mercy of a life threatening illness.

At any moment the problems with my daughter’s heart could have taken her from me. I lived in fear of that every moment. So much so that I was afraid to put her down.

Through nights of sleeping with her on my chest, doctor’s appointments, trips to the hospital, medicine that had to be given exactly every 24 hours, and all the other things we went through in those early days I handled the illness in my baby the only way I knew how. I focused on what came next, enjoyed the moment, worried over what could happen…

And I learned to rely on the Lord.

I’d like to say that that reliance led me to an immediate saving faith, that my season of election came then, but it didn’t. It drew me closer to the Lord but I still had a lot of steps to take.

Over the last 12 years my daughter has come through many medical tests, many appointments, years in and out of various medical facilities, heart surgery and so much more. She has come so far, accomplished so much.

Through no fault of her own she put me through so much. Prior to having her I had always said I didn’t think I could raise a special needs child. She showed me otherwise. She introduced me to the hardships of raising a child with medical problems. And she introduced me to the wonder of watching that child come through so much.

During those oh-so-hard years there were times I thought I was drowning in everything we were facing. As I floundered and felt like I was going under I grabbed onto the only Thing I could that gave me hope and comfort. I grabbed onto the Lord.

Some days I think I lived on prayers.

I would never have wished any of that on my baby. I wouldn’t have wished any of what she went through in the years to come on my little girl. It was bad. It was awful. On her. On me. On our family.

But…she was the beginning of my journey to Christ.

She taught me so much.

She changed my life.

This second

Scripture tells us we are to set our minds on the things above not on the things of the earth. Once I found that a difficult task but as my journey took me closer to Christ I discovered it wasn’t hard at all. My soul started looking to those things above without any help from me.

Without me knowing quite how it happened Christ became my constant companion. He’s there when I wake up in the morning, there as I go through my day, there when I fall asleep at night. I know He’s there because I feel His presence in me.

But while I’m looking on the things above there is the earthly part of my life. The everyday happenings that go on with me and around me.

Last night I was reminded of something.

Somewhere I read a saying that went something like treasure those you love because someday God will need them back. I never forget to love my family and friends. Never forget to tell them I love them. But sometimes in the busyness of the day I may forget to show them. I may forget to enjoy them.

Right now, as I lay in bed trying to hold onto the baby in my womb, I am learning to treasure every second. Circumstances in my life the last seven months have taught me what it’s like to truly live in the moment, to grab onto today because it may be all I get, to enjoy what I have right here right now. I learned that lesson through circumstances I would never have chosen. I thought learning to grab onto today was as far as I could take…

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

…but I was wrong. In the last twenty four hours I’ve learned it can be taken even further. While I struggle not to worry about what’s going to happen, I am learning to treasure every second.

Because this second may be all that I get.

I can’t know what the next second will bring with my unborn baby. And as I treasure each second and face the next with a world of unknowns I’m learning a lesson I’d have rather not learned in this way. I’m learning it isn’t just today, isn’t just this moment that we must be concerned with. We aren’t promised tomorrow.

But we aren’t promised another second either.

This second, this single dot in time, is all we can be assured of. Life happens in an instant. And so does death. One second a baby isn’t there, the next…conception. One second someone is alive, the next…death.

This second is precious because it may be all we ever get.

I always thought....

“I always thought I wouldn’t have to do this if I was married.”

I say that to my husband from time to time. I said it when I checked our son’s bike, I said it when I fixed the bedroom door. There are just some things that I assumed I’d never have to do if I was married. I told my sister the same thing when she and I were in one state, my husband in another and we were changing the tire on her car.

I had in my head that there were things a husband would take care of and I’d never have need to do those things again.

Today, as I lay in bed, attempting to hang on to my unborn child, three hundred miles away from home and my husband, I want to say those words. Only…it’s not that I never thought I’d have to go through something like this if I was married, I just never thought I’d have to go through it alone. Not that I’m alone. I have my children, my sister, and most importantly my Lord.

But I want to curl up in my husband’s arms. To talk to him, with him. To hear his voice, to let him soothe some of my fears. Instead…I’m here and…

I never thought I’d have to do this alone if I was married.

The Lord and His timing aren’t the same as what I’d choose. I would never have chosen this particular trial, would have done anything I could to prevent it but I got it anyway. And as this trial swirls not around me but inside me I’m left wishing it had never happened and longing for a slightly different scenario if it had to happen. If the Lord would have just timed it a little better… three days sooner and I’d have been with my husband, four days later and I’d have been with him. Instead He placed it right in the middle of the time when I’m not home. He placed it at a time when I’m away from the person that is my safe place, the person that makes the trials easier to bear, the person that I want with me…always…but never more than now.

And by placing me in this time the Lord has once again placed my dependence firmly on Him. I always depend on Him but I also depend on my husband. Today, as I keep in close contact with my husband…I keep in close contact with my Lord too.