The enslavement of marriage

I recently wrote a post over a feminist poster that I saw, something that I tried very hard to just skim past when I saw it but then what I saw stayed with me so much that I needed to write just to clear up my own thoughts.

Well, today I saw something that effected me very much the same way. It was once again something having to do with feminists although I was kind of amazed that this came straight from a man's mouth. I know there are all types out there and I know that there are men that support women't causes but...feminism is so much of an anti-man cause that I would think that no man would want to support it. I know I wouldn't want anything to do with it if I was a man and yet...a man said something that was so disturbing to me that I am once again writing about feminism, not because I really want to but because my mind simply has a hard time understanding how anyone out there can think this way, much less how men can think this way.

Doesn't feminism directly disregard men?

Aren't feminists of a mindset that women are somehow victimized because they are women and that all men are the reason for all their woes simply because they are men?

And yet...there was this man saying what I wish I could quote word for word but what amounted to:

Women are so brainwashed by a fake sense of needing to conform and to have security that they willing enter into the 'marriage tradition', possibly the most horrid example of enslaving one person to another in all of history. People take their kids to church were they are taught that women can never reach the heights that men can. There are feminists that still want their dad to walk them down the aisle and 'give' them away. Homosexuals didn't fight for equality in all things they fought to be allowed to marry. Social pressure toward marriage is so strong that they actually fought to be included in this 'disgusting ritual' that is the base of enslaving women. Women will never be equal until we get rid of such enslaving traditions.

Oh...my. I don't even know how to respond to that. My first thought...that was written by a MAN. Um, what man is so for women usurping them that they would think such a thing much less give voice to it?

I know someone that claims that women aren't treated fairly because they make less money than men do. Maybe I'm super sheltered, I've only held a handful of jobs in my life. I've never tried to climb a career ladder, never desired to gain ground in a job. But...isn't minimum wage the same for women as it is for men? Do men make more money as a whole? I have no idea. I know when I was in high school I had a teacher encourage all the girls to go into construction work because federal laws require equality in the workplace and that means construction companies must hire women to meet a quota of female to male workers. Trouble is there are very few, at least at that time, women that want to do construction work. And so...said our teacher...women in construction can pretty much set their own pay rate because the construction companies have to hire a certain number of women to keep out of trouble with the government.

My high school years were a long time ago and so much has changed since then that we may as well be living in a different world but I'm sure there are jobs where women are paid exactly the same as men and that there are jobs that women actually make more money than men do. It's just the nature of any game. Lawyers make more money than store managers, doctors make more than taxidermists. And I have no doubt that there are some jobs out there where women make more money than men do. I know from experience that child care is a profession that is proliferated with female workers and male workers are rarely encouraged to work in that field. Having worked in several child care facilities many years ago, and knowing many parents now, that is mostly the result of the parents feelings about having men caring for their children. There is simply a safety issue involved with men looking after children that most parents don't consider to be a concern when the caretaker is female. And so...men aren't very prevalent in the childcare workers. Or at least they didn't used to be.

But whether or not women are paid equally to men...why would a man encourage this...dare I say, craziness of feminism? It seems to me that feminism is in direct opposition to men.

My faith gives me guidelines for what men and women are to be. Men are to be the providers, the protectors. Women are to be the home keepers, the nurturers. But even if a person didn't believe in the Lord...is it really all that hard to see that men and women are different? That that difference is a good thing? And even if they can't see that, can they not see that feminists are about as against men as they can get?

I've had little experience with feminists but here lately I've had a few more encounters with the feminist movement than I'd like. I've said it before, and will no doubt say it again, I believe feminists ruined life for women that truly want to be...women. They took a country that saw women as weaker vessels, a country where men held doors for women, lifted heavy items, and generally, as a whole, looked out for women and turned it into a country where women are seen as the same as men. More or less.

I've had people tell me I should put my children in daycare and go to work. Why? Not because they had anything at stake in the way I was living but because that is the mindset of our country now. Men work. Women work. This is desired.

I recently ran into a cousin that I haven't seen in years. She works full time and both her children are in public school. Over the Christmas holiday she had the same time off work that her children had off from school. This cousin actually told me, while standing in front of her daughter, that she would much rather work than be at home with her kids.

What is wrong with this thought process?

Years ago I was babysitting for a woman that was working when I started keeping her child but then wound up unemployed. This woman paid me to watch her child, day after day, while she sat home collecting unemployment.Why? Because she couldn't handle her own toddler.

This is what feminism has brought us to. This is the mindset of America today. Children are institutionalized almost from the moment they're born so that women can work.

And now I hear something so degrading to marriage that I can't even think of a proper way to describe it. I'll admit that the modern American marriage isn't what it should be. I've seen married couples stand in their yard and scream at each other. I've seen husband's abuse their wives. Seen wives chase their husband with a baseball bat. I've heard a wife speak all kinds of horrific things about her husband while said husband was home caring for their children.

Marriage today isn't what it should be. But it isn't enslavement, not by a long shot. Not in America. And it isn't just some ritual or tradition that we keep to the detriment of women.

How can anyone feel that marriage is an enslavement to women? I know there are countries where arranged marriages are the norm. I know there are cultures where women truly are treated as less than human. And I know that the very cultures and religions that practice those things also exist in America, and that they practice those things inside America despite laws that do not allow such things, but as a whole American women freely choose to marry and they choose who they will marry.

Some women chose to be stay at home wives, some chose to raise their own children rather than pass them off to others to do the job the Lord gave them to do. But with very few exceptions these are women that willingly chose to do this. They want to be a stay at home wife. They want to be a stay at home mom. They want to be there when their husband comes home from work. They want to care for their children.

These women aren't enslaved. They aren't oppressed. They aren't mistreated. I know because I am one of these women. My sister is one of these women. My friend is one of these women. We don't feel enslaved. We feel blessed. Our husbands love us. They care for us. They look after us.

My husband works long hours, often dealing with physical exhaustion and pain, working in the cold and rain, giving up his time, effort, and energy to make a living for our family. And he does it all for us. I'm not enslaved. I'm not mistreated. I'm not oppressed in any way. And no, I'm not brainwashed into thinking these things. I am loved. I am cared for. I am taken care of. I am protected from the harsher side of life. I am protected from the physical and mental demands of holding down a job. And...I am blessed.

I am not, and never have been, a slave because I am married.

I have to wonder if the man that made that statement has ever been married. Does he even truly know what marriage is like? Has he experienced it? And if he did...was he an enslaving kind of husband? If so...than maybe he should look at himself and not at marriage in general. Did he mistreat his wife? Was his dad an abusive husband? Did he feel like his mother was a slave to his dad?

What would prompt a man to speak against marriage? What would prompt him to hold such contempt of marriage, under the guise of giving women equality, that he would go so far as to say homosexuals should not have wanted the right to marry (I happen to agree with him but not for the reasons he feels that way). Do the homosexuals know something that this man doesn't? Maybe they see that marriage is a good thing. Maybe they see the give and take, the support, the security in simply knowing someone is there for you, someone to share your life with, and they wanted to be a part of that.

Now...I am NOT for a single second advocating homosexual marriage. Such a thing goes against Scripture. And it goes against the very nature of what marriage is. A union created by the Lord between one man and one woman to represent the relationship between Christ and His people. It is a holy union that cannot be attained by people committing what Scripture refers to as sodomy and is an abomination to the Lord. What I am saying is that maybe, just maybe, homosexuals somehow sense the importance of marriage and that despite the sin that holds them hostage in their thoughts and deeds, that maybe they see that there is something special in marriage. And maybe they understand something that the man that spoke against marriage, on behalf of freedom for women, does not understand.

Marriage is not enslavement. Marriage is an honor.

Hidden idolatry

How easy it is for our hobbies and interests to overtake us. Scripture tells us to have no idols and yet we do, even those of us that are truly born again. We may feel like we don’t, think we don’t, believe we don’t.

But we do.

How many times have you felt like you played second fiddle to a loved one’s interests? How many times has your husband or wife’s interests or hobbies pushed you aside…even without meaning to…and left you feeling as if you’re less important than whatever it is that draws their attention?

How many times have your children felt that way? Does you cell phone or computer take up more of your time than they do?

Even cooking and household chores can become something of an idol. I’ve known many a women that puts great stock in their home. They decorate it, rearrange it, buy more things to make it look better, move this here and that there just to get a better effect. I’ve been in many a home where I felt as if I touched something I’d soil it.

Is that not an idol?

What do the families of women like that feel about their home? About their mother’s love for their home?

I have a relative that loves to cook. She’ll often start cooking lunch as soon as breakfast is finished. She makes huge meals. So much so that eating at her home is like eating at a buffet style restaurant. She’s a very good cook and I’ve never heard anyone say a word of complaint about the meals she prepares. And plenty partake of those meals. As the meal she’s cooking nears the ready point she picks up the phone and calls all her grown children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren and tells them it’s done.

Now we’re not talking about family that lives in her home or even down the road. A few are that close, others live across town or even in another town. They have their own homes and families but she calls them and when she does some combination of them comes to eat.

This relative spends hours and hours preparing meals. She does it when she’s the only one home and she does it when she has company in from out of state. It seems to be something she does for her own enjoyment but it also appears to be her way of taking care of her family, even when they need to be taking care of themselves and their own families.

But there comes a point that this interest…this hobby…this method of caring for the family crosses from simply feeding her family into something else. Call it obsession, call it a hobby, call it therapy…call it idolatry.

Here’s the thing, this same relative doesn’t allow anyone else to cook in her home, will…to a degree…allow someone else to do the dishes. She uses so much time preparing the meals that feed her family’s bodies but much less time feeding their need for time spent with her.

I’ve been the out of state relative in her home and I can tell you that as appreciative as I was for the meals she made…there were many times I’d have rather ate cold cereal or sandwiches and had more time with her.

How many times do those we love the most feel that way about the things we do?

How much more so does our Lord feel that way?

My children have told me on numerous occasions ‘you’re always doing _________’. Now it doesn’t seem to matter what I happen to be doing. If I’m spending quite a bit of time with one child for a certain reason, the others have that feeling…whether they voice it or not. If I’m spending more time with my husband, if I’m having to check my email more often, if I’m writing more blogs, even if I’m doing a lot of laundry. Their hearts seem to grab onto the thought and feeling that I’m putting something else ahead of them if I do anything that takes up my time. And the sad truth is that is often the case. Not because I want anything to take more time than my family but because it really doesn’t matter what we do if it takes our time, it takes us from our loved ones.

I can sit beside my husband or children but if I’m focusing on something I’m writing, reading, or doing…I’m not focusing on them. I can claim to be spending time with my children at the park but the reality is if I’m sitting on a bench while they play…how much of my attention are they getting? Just because I’m there…in their presence…doesn’t mean I’m focused on them.

I had to take one of my daughters to the emergency room a while back. It was late at night and this daughter, while uncomfortable, wasn’t in dire need of my attention. In fact she wound up sleeping through a good part of the emergency room visit. There were many an hour during that visit that I sat there either thinking or reading and not giving my total focus to that daughter. Now, she didn’t need my total focus but the reality is that since my attention was on other things through part of that…it wasn’t on her.

The same holds true for my Lord. If my total attention isn’t on Him then whatever I happen to be doing is causing me to break that first and most important commandment.

My husband works to provide for us. He puts in lots of long, hard, hours to do that. That work takes him away from me in more ways than one. It takes him away when he’s working away from home and it takes him away when he’s working at home. But it also takes him away from me when he’s thinking about work or when he’s so tired from all the work he does.

Working is something he has to do, and he does it for us, but it’s still something that takes him away from me. I know that. I can rationalize it. I can understand the reasons. But there are still times when I feel like I want to say…can’t you just set it aside for a while?

How many times does our Lord think that of the things that are in our lives? How many times are we ‘always doing __________’ instead of focusing on Him like we should?

It is impossible to keep the number one commandment. As fallen people we simply can’t love the Lord with all our hearts, souls, and minds all of the time. We just can’t do it. Thoughts and emotions come into play, worries about our earthly life come into play, we think of what we want to do, what we need to do, what we should be doing, and every one of those thoughts removes the Lord from our complete focus.

I know someone that is almost always talking of how busy they are, how much they have to do, how much they are doing, how much they will be doing. This person seems to keep so busy that I wonder if they aren’t running circles around themselves…and for what? I’m sure some of the things this person does are necessary, but I’m equally certain that a good part of what they’re doing isn’t.

I homeschool my children. In the homeschool world the world twaddle is used to describe any kind of school work that serves the purpose of keeping the child busy rather than any real purpose in teaching them something. It’s the things that are used to fill up space but serve no real function beyond that. Public schools use this method a lot.

How much of what we do would the Lord consider twaddle? 

How much of it hurts our families? How much of it takes us away from them even if we’re in their presence? Do the people we love most feel as if we love our hobbies and interests more? Do they feel like we’d rather be doing that than spending time with them? Do we turn to the things that give us peace, that ease our minds, that help with our own pains, when our loved ones hurt and need us most?

People with addictions will say they aren’t addicted. They say they can quit when they want. They rationalize what they’re doing by saying it doesn’t hurt anyone, or that they only do it for fun, or for relaxation…or whatever. But it does hurt those closest to them.

How many of our interests fall into the same category? How many people are addicted to the things they enjoy? How many of those interests wind up hurting those that they love the most?

And how much more does our Lord…a jealous God…get set aside for the things that draw our attention?

If our loved ones feel we turn more to our interests than we do to them, if they feel set aside, pushed aside, or ignored for our interests…how much more so does our Lord feel when our hearts and thoughts are taken from Him?

Instruction manual for marriage

            As a mother I’ve had people tell me many times ‘don’t you wish they came with instructions.’ I never wished that.

            But I’ve heard people say the same thing about marriage. How they wished there was an instruction manual for marriage. There is. The Bible tells us exactly how marriage is supposed to be. Those instructions can be found in Ephesians 5, Titus 2, 1 Corinthians, Hebrews…in fact directions for marriage can pretty much be found all through the Bible, starting in Genesis. Genesis 2:24(esv) sets the very basis for what marriage is…

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Christ gave the same description for marriage…

And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” ... Matthew 19:2-9 esv

That is the very definition for what marriage is and it’s the explanation of how it came to be. What God has joined together. Pretty powerful words. The Lord created the entire world…in a sense we might say he ‘joined it together’…he made it…he created it. And he did the same thing with marriage. He created it. From the very first marriage to the very last one…they are all of the Lord’s joining.

Have you ever just stopped and thought about what it takes for any one couple to get married. Not only did they both have to be in the right place at the right time to meet…no matter when or where that happened…but they each had to like the other, they each had to fall in love with the other…and they had to want to marry each other. No small feat considering we encounter millions of people in our lifetime and most of them pass through without us giving them more than a passing thought. It gets even more amazing if you consider that both his and her parents had to do the same thing…and so did their grandparents…and their grandparents….and their grandparents…

The Lord brought each of those couples together, joined them together. In every single marriage…he brought them together.

Scripture even goes so far as to tell us what a wife is and how she came to be…

The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:20-24

We are not only to be a helper to our husbands but we are a part of him. The very first marriage the Lord created was done by literally making the wife from the husband’s body. I may not literally have my husband’s rib…but then again who really knows if we do or not? Really…we all have a certain number of ribs…we came into the world with them. But how do we know that somehow in our genetic makeup that we don’t literally have our husband’s rib? The Lord certainly knew who our husband would be long before we married. He had our lives planned out before we ever met our husbands.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…Jeremiah 1:5

I took that out of context but I see nothing there that would take its value away by removing it from the context it was used in. If the Lord knew one person before they were born…he knew another. We know from other verses that the Lord foreordained those that he chose before the foundation of the world…therefore He knew them even before the world was created…before they were born.

But notice in that verse how he says …I formed you in the womb. He made us in the womb. We don’t just grow out of the genetic make-up of our parents. He makes us…he forms us. Who’s to say he doesn’t work our husband’s rib into us when he’s making us. Are we any less made then Eve?

I could have somehow knit into my very being…my husband. Every wife could have her husband knit into her very being. We aren’t told that God placed Adam’s rib into Eve and it became her rib…We’re told, And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman. So the rib taken from Adam could have gone into any part of Eve…or every part of her. But whether we literally have our husband’s rib makes no difference.

That verse is our instruction manual for what we are to our husband. We are his helper…and we are a part of his body…with or without his rib.

Ephesians 5:28 even instructs the husband to love his wife as such…

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

We have all these instructions for marriage in Scripture and still…some would like for marriage to come with an instruction manual. How would they receive it? Would it be handed over by the state employee that issues their marriage license? Would the man that performs the ceremony give it to them when the marriage license is signed? Would it be presented to them by the parents of either the bride or the groom?

And if it was possible to get such a book…who would write it?

And would you want such a book if it was written by a fallen person? There are plenty of marriage self-help books out there. Marriage advice abounds. And so does divorce. Would anyone truly want to expose their very personal marriage to the beliefs and teachings of another person?

I remember watching a movie with my mom when I was in my teens. I don’t remember most of the movie but I remember the woman…a new wife, I think…was given a book on dog training by her mother. Turns out the mother said that training a husband and training a dog are pretty much the same…or something like that. The wife reads the book and puts it into practice…training her ‘pet’ husband.

What a lack of respect that woman had for her husband.

I can only imagine the pain the husband would experience if he had found out that his wife was trying to train him like a dog. What does that say for the wife’s feelings for her husband?

The very concept goes against the instruction manual that we are given for marriage. Scripture tells us…

…let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 esv

Did the woman show even a hint of respect for her husband when she used that book…those methods…to ‘train’ her husband? When she essentially compared her husband to a dog?

If I had to choose only one verse to follow for marriage it would be that one. All the rest…can be rolled into that one…not even whole verse. Proverbs 21:9 tells us what it’s like to live with a wife that doesn’t respect her husband…

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs tells us what a wife is to her husband…

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.  vs 18:22 esv

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. vs 19:14 esv

I’d much rather be a good thing…an inheritance…from the lord to my husband than something that makes it better for him to live in a corner of the housetop. But I can’t be any of those things for my husband if I don’t respect him.

My husband recently told me that if I need something from him that he isn’t giving me that he needs me to tell him what it is I need. My husband never knowingly does anything that hurts me. I know he would never knowingly do anything to hurt me. That…and so much more…instills respect in me for him.

But if I didn’t have respect for him…could I be a good thing for him? Could I be an inheritance for him? Ephesians 5:27 (esv) gives us another idea of what a wife should be for her husband…

…present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

This verse is speaking of what the husband should do… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word vs 25-26…for his wife but it still tells wives what they should be to their husbands.

As a wife I can’t even begin to imagine how I could become… as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. That’s like trying to attain perfection. It’s impossible. But Scripture tells us that a husband can create that in his wife.

Proverbs 18:22 speaks of a man finding a wife and what she is when he finds her. If we look to Proverbs 31:10 we see again just what a wife should be…but we also see that there’s a little more to finding that wife than we saw before.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. Proverbs 31:10 esv

Who can find? I’m going to make a guess here and say that in those three words we can see that a wife that is a good thing…an inheritance…that has a value beyond that of jewels…isn’t so easy to ‘find’.

As a wife…It’s kind of hard to write on this particular aspect of marriage. I never want it to seem like I’m placing a value on myself. That isn’t my place to do. The value I have for my husband isn’t for me to say. As I write this I’m writing it strictly from a Scriptural perspective, not from an ‘I am this’ perspective.

As a wife…I try to be this for my husband…to my husband. I respect my husband. I love him. I appreciate him for who he is. And I appreciate all he does for me and our children.

And that very respect…and the appreciation that rolls into that respect…is the very basis for all of the rest of what I see in Scripture that I should be. I can’t have a high value to my husband if I don’t respect him. He can’t value me if I always act like I don’t want him around. He can’t respect me if I tell him of everything he does wrong.

Scripture gives us the definition for what we are to be as wives…how we are to act…how we are to treat our husbands…

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-23.

The above verses added to Ephesians 5:33… let the wife see that she respects her husband…give us very good instructions on what a wife is. Submission is its own form of respect. And if she is those things…she…I would guess…will not fall into the category or a quarrelsome wife…and she will be a good thing to her husband with a price more precious than jewels. Of course…I am a wife so I can only say that from the wife’s perspective.

Our instruction manual for marriage goes so far as to give us instruction on the intimate side of marriage.

³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV

Scripture goes further in defining the more intimate side of marriage…

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 esv

It would seem that the Lord laid out a pretty good instruction manual on marriage for us. He may have covered only a handful of things in that manual but those things take in almost all the details of married life.

We are told that marriage is to be held in honor. If we truly honor something what do we do? We give it a special place…a special significance. It’s important. Valued. Prized.

It’s respected.

We are told how long a woman is to be married to her husband…

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39 esv

We are told when a marriage can be ended…

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9 esv

We’re told why divorce is allowed in those cases…

He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. Matthew 19:4-8 esv

Christ said that because of the hardness of men’s hearts divorce was allowed but he only said it when questioned as to why divorce was allowed. Notice that he went further to say… but from the beginning it was not so. From the beginning…it was not so. In other words divorce wasn’t always allowed. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. There actually is no contingency plan in that. What God joined together let man not separate. Nowhere in that does it say that divorce is permissible it says …let man not separate. Christ tells us that divorce is allowed because of the hardness of heart. Because men’s hearts are hard…divorce is allowed under certain circumstances. Those circumstances…an unbeliever leaving the marriage and adultery. That’s it. Nothing else.

We’re shown in Hosea how long marriage should last…

And I will betroth you to me forever….vs 2:19 esv

How much more of an instruction manual can we ask for?

Well…what of love one might ask. It’s there too. This time not in direct reference to marriage but it’s still there…

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 esv

In all of that I can see respect for your husband playing a big part. Respect affects every part of our emotions toward our husbands. It affects how we think of him. How we treat him. it will flow from everything we say to him and everything we do for him. The Lord went so far as to give us examples of that respect. Sarah called Abraham ‘my lord.’ Ruth slept at Boaz’s feet.

The Lord knew what He was doing when He wrote out the instruction manual for marriage.

 

 

Welcome home, husband

Not long after my husband and I married a friend of mine told me something that has stuck with me…funny how we pick up little things that become such big things to us. This friend said ‘you may be the only safe place your husband has.’

At the time being my husband’s safe place sounded intriguing but it was one of those things that you hear and then forget. Or so I thought. But the forgetting never came. That statement has stayed with me long past when my friend said it.

It is something I have…often without realizing I’m doing it…strived to be for my husband. I want to be his safe place.

There are various businesses that put up signs that say it is a safe place…schools, hospitals, fire departments, even convenience stores. They put those signs on their buildings so that people that need a safe place to go know that they can go there. I don’t know exactly what it means when one of these buildings put those signs out. They may have to take certain classes or pass certain tests. They may have to agree to do certain things should someone come in seeking safety. I don’t know.

What I do know is that by putting those signs on the side of their buildings they are saying to the world…we are a safe place. You can trust us. You can come here when you need help.

I want to be that safe place for my husband.

It means a great deal to me when he shares his deeper thoughts and feelings with me. It means a lot to me for my husband to know that he can tell me anything, that I’m not going to betray his confidences…that I’m not going to betray him in any way.

I heard a woman tell her husband once that he was her home.

When I think of the message conveyed in that single statement it is simply astounding. Her husband was her home.

What do we gain from our homes? Safety. Security. A place to be ourselves. A place to feel comfortable. A place to find peace. A place to relax. A place to simply…be.

Our home says much about who we are, what we value, what’s most important to us. It is our get away in a hectic world that all too often bombards us with things we don’t want to encounter.

Home is our safe place.

The woman that told her husband that he is her home was telling him…you are my safe place. She said so much…to me anyway…when she told him ‘you are my home.’

My husband is my safe place. He is my home.

I want to be that for him.

Titus 2 tells us we are to be keepers at home. I’m going to step just slightly out of context here. In that verse it is speaking of keeping the home, or working in the home. I know that but I don’t believe it’s getting too far out of context to apply that verse to our husbands.

If our homes are our safe place…if my husband is my safe place…why can’t I make my heart my husband’s home?

Saying that my husband is my safe place means that for me, he is the place I know I can turn to no matter what I need. I know he’s there for me in anything.

Home is a place we come to when our day is finished. It is the place where we can relax. It is our…sanctuary…in the world.

When we move into a house it is empty. We have walls, floors, counters, fixtures, maybe a few appliances and nothing else. It’s almost…cold…in its emptiness. As we settle in we put our things away. Our furniture is positioned in a way that we like it. Our pictures go on the walls. Our clothes go in the closets and our comfort items are placed throughout the house. And an empty house is turned into a home.

The place in my heart where my husband lives was empty before I met him. When love came it quickly filled my heart. He moved in. He settled in. He made that space his own, filled it with him much the way we fill an empty house with our belongings.

We physically come into our homes to find a safe place in the world. Our husband should be able to emotionally come into our heart and find the same kind of safe place. My heart is my husband’s home.

The doors are wide open for him…he has the key that unlocks them.

But what does it take to be that safe place? What does it take to know that another person is your safe place…your home?

Trust.

Love.

Respect.

Commitment.

At least…that’s what it takes for me to let my husband be my safe place. I know my husband is committed to me, that he trusts me. I know he loves me, I know I have his respect…and he has my trust.

I know he’ll be there for me anytime I need him. And because I know all that…because I have all that…he is my safe place.

How betrayed would we feel if we came home one day to discover that our home had locked its doors against us…a silly thought but…how would we feel if it happened?

When my daughter was little one of her favorite books was about a house that got tired of being dirty. Everything in the house got up and left and finally even the house left.

How betrayed would we feel if our house left? Or if we couldn’t get into it? If we were locked out?

My heart is my husband’s home. I want him never be locked out. I want the doors flung open in homecoming every time he is near.

I want the words written on the door to say…

Welcome home, husband.

And I want him to know that my heart is his home even if he isn’t nearby. I want him to know when he’s at work or elsewhere that my heart is his, that I want to be…will be…his safe place, his home. When he thinks of me I want him to feel the peace and joy of being at home. Because I want my heart to be his home.

The role of a wife

I grew up in a family where marriage…as I remember…wasn’t something that was highly valued. I can remember several divorces that happened among family members during my growing up years. I can remember fights…sometimes physical…between husbands and wives. The message I walked away from my childhood with was that marriage was something people did but that it didn’t necessarily require any real commitment. Despite that I held a different view.

In my teen years I remember wanting to be married forever. I had virtually no experience with boys at that time and yet I knew when I married I wanted it to be forever. Even as I observed the less than ideal marriages among family members I knew marriage was something special…sacred…and that I wanted mine…when it came…to be forever.

What I didn’t understand was that marriage was more than the worldly relationship that we view it to be. Even as I was surrounded by examples of what marriage shouldn’t be….I had a deep longing for what marriage should be. Back then I had no idea that Scripture lays out for us exactly what marriage should be.

Right now, as I write this, I have a long time friendship that may not be a friendship anymore. I don’t know…can’t know…what will become of that friendship. I don’t know what happened to turn such a good friendship into a quickly deteriorating friendship. It just sort of…fell apart…mostly without warning. This friendship got to a place where things weren’t what they had always been and it was kind of like the aftermath of a disaster…although it was a disaster that wasn’t seen. All of a sudden, with little to no warning, things blew up, got damaged, and fell apart.

This may be the Lord’s way of removing me from that friendship or it may be a test of the friendship. I don’t know. Only time will tell what is to become of it. From where I’m standing though…I’m left looking back on all the years of friendship, looking at the last weeks and days of friendship, and left wondering…what happened? Where did it go? How did it get to this so fast?

This friendship has no bearing on marriage whatsoever. But it is a good example of how things can go so wrong. So fast.

I doubt any of my family members dreamed of getting divorced on the day they married. I doubt that they thought that this new union would come to an end. I doubt they even thought that there would come a day when things would fall so completely apart with this person they were pledging their life to.

But it happened anyway. Like a tornado hitting an area where tornado’s aren’t supposed to hit, divorce hit these marriages. Trouble came, the marriage fell apart, and the couple were left standing in the midst of the wreckage, scratching their heads and wondering what happened.

I’m going to go ahead and say that the couples in these marriages weren’t regenerate. They didn’t belong to Christ though they may have thought they did.

When I was 12 years old I spent the summer living with my grandparents. One day, while my grandparents were gone, my aunt and uncle who lived on the same property began to fight. I knew nothing about it until my six year old cousin came to me crying that ‘Daddy’s hitting Mama.’ I had no idea what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before. I was scared. All I could think of was to get the kids away from it…they were 6, 2, and under 1. A child myself, I did my best to protect the children.

Looking back on that day I can clearly remember so much of it. It left a lasting impression on me. I remember how scared I was. How much I wanted to protect the kids. How much I wanted to make things better for my aunt after it was all over. I set with her while she cried, spent the rest of the day by her side. I gave her the dog I loved because I knew he would protect her. It was all I could do.

The day that happened, before my cousin came to me, I was sitting in the house safe, happy…secure. Then out of nowhere disaster struck and it left a lasting impression. What, exactly, the impression was, I don’t know. All I know is that memory is one that has stayed with me all these years. And that it did leave an impression.

That was probably the worst example of marriage I grew up with. The rest were more cases of arguing and indifference. During my growing up years all of my uncles got divorced and so did my mother. While I was in my 20’s my grandparents got divorced.

There were no examples in my family for the sanctity of marriage. It was much like the cheap items bought at one of those everything’s-a-dollar stores…bought, used until it’s not desired anymore, then thrown away.

But I walked away from that with a different belief in marriage.

I know now it was the Lord’s doing. I understand that there was just something in me that made marriage something sacred. It is the one relationship that we have in life that is truly sacred. It shouldn’t be messed with. Not by outsiders. Not by ourselves.

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9 esv

I was told recently that my marriage was a choice I made but Scripture clearly tells us that marriage is a union created by God. It also says that man is not to separate that union. Man. As in any of mankind. Man or woman.

Including the man and woman in that very marriage.

This wasn’t a lesson I was taught in my childhood…but somehow the belief was deeply instilled anyway.

Marriage with my husband came easy. The relationship was easy. Rather it…he…came out of the blue one day when I didn’t expect him or the relationship. From the moment we met Someone bigger than me had hold of it and everything just happened until…I was married.

From the moment my husband and I shared that first smile things were easy between us. It was just…right. My husband and I are both Christians, we both seek to serve the Lord, and in doing so…we serve each other.

But even in an easy marriage, even when everything just flows, we still have our place…our role. Things we should do. Things we shouldn’t do.

Maybe…we have that role more so in an easy marriage, a good marriage. Because…maybe…we have more power to hurt each other. There is no one in the world that has the power to hurt me like my husband does. Because things are so good between us I know I can trust him with anything…with everything. And trust him I do. Completely. But that means he holds a power over me…one he never abuses…that no one else has.

But that role…that place…even when it comes easy…is still there. Scripture defines the roles of husbands and wives.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, ⁴ and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands…Titus 2:3-5

The King James Version puts that verse a little differently…

The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

How can we teach younger women to love their husbands if we don’t first love our own husbands? So much of the influence we have on others is through example. We must love our husband in order to teach someone else how to love theirs.

And our husbands will know if we love them. He will feel it in everything we do.

Recently my husband was away from home. I was going to meet him and was preparing for that meeting. I got a message from him that said I might want to bring a pair of jeans with me. I asked him after I met up with him what, exactly, he thought I would be wearing. He said, ‘I knew you would be wearing this. My favorite outfit.’

I had no idea that what I had on that day was my husband’s favorite outfit but I knew he liked seeing me in skirts so I wore one to please him. I wanted to please him in my choice of clothing for the very simple reason that I love him.

But there is another reason…as a wife…that I should try to please my husband…

let the wife see that she respects her husband…Ephesians 5:33

It wasn’t my intention that day to show respect to my husband…I simply wanted to please him. But in trying to please him I was showing respect to him. And he knew me well enough to know what I would be wearing even when I hadn’t said anything to him about the clothes I intended to wear.

Because that wasn’t the first time I had worn that skirt…or a different one…for the sole purpose of pleasing him. I do it often. I know he likes it and it’s an easy enough thing to do to give him joy.

We are to be discreet…self-controlled. Scripture doesn’t define when or where we are to be discreet or self-controlled, it just says that we are to be.

When I was 9 I met a girl that would become my best friend. She and I were good friends into high school. I remember well how, in our teens, she became very loud and would often yell out, scream, or whistle at others. It was embarrassing to be around her. She could be walking along talking quietly and would…without warning…make loud noises. Sometimes it seemed as if she did this for no other reason than to draw attention to herself.

I don’t want to be that kind of wife. Not in actions, not in manners, not in dress. If there’s anything in me that brings embarrassment to my husband or makes things harder for him…I don’t want to do that.

We are to be keepers at home…working at home.

Before my husband and I married we talked about wives working outside the home. We both agreed that was something that a wife shouldn’t do unless the family was truly not able to make it without her working. A few months after we married I told my husband that I could bring in money by selling things through an online auction site. He quickly told me I didn’t need to do that and we didn’t discuss it again. I knew from his answer that he didn’t want me doing it.

I am to be the keeper at home.

It’s what my husband wants me to be and it’s what I want to be. I have no desire to work outside the home. I read somewhere that when a woman works outside the home she must please a man other than her husband…as she will generally have a boss or manager that is a man. She is then under the authority of a man that isn’t her husband. Sometimes that man…that boss…will have more authority over her than her husband does as she will try to please her boss in order to keep her job…even at the expense of her husband and family.

I worked outside the home for a few years in my teens and early twenty’s…before my husband and I married. I did it out of necessity but I never did it because I wanted to or because I got joy or fulfillment from working. Even as I worked I knew that I didn’t want to have to work when I married.

My sister and I were talking recently…this sister works and is unmarried…the conversation turned to working and I told her I didn’t want to work because it would take my time and tie me down. What I didn’t say was that it would take my time from my husband and children and would keep me from being able to be who and what they needed me to be at any given moment. I can’t be wife or mom if I’m at work somewhere.

When I told my husband of that conversation he shook his head before I finished it. Then he said I don’t need to. I know my husband doesn’t want me working. Not only because we discussed it before we married but also from those little instances that have come up in conversations.

I am to be the keeper at home.

It is my job. It is my role.

When I’m home I’m available to my husband when he needs me. I’m available to our children.

Yesterday our ten year old daughter asked me if I could walk in the yard with her. I was waiting for my husband to call and had to tell her I couldn’t walk just then. She said…’you could take the phone with you.’ Just that simply she knew that I could be available to her and to dad.

I couldn’t have been available to either one of them exactly when they needed me to be if I had been working outside the home or preparing for a job outside the home. Because my husband and my children are my focus I can be there when they need or want me to be.

A wife is to be obedient…submissive…to her own husband. We see that in Titus 2 and we see it in Ephesians 5:22esv

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

A couple of months after my husband and I married he told me something that has stuck with me to this day. He said that he needed me to submit to him…even if he’s wrong.

My husband doesn’t make demands on me. He doesn’t even tell me to clean the house or cook a meal. If I fail to do something he either leaves it as is or does it himself. I clean in ways I might not do if it were just me…or me and the kids…because I don’t like to see him clean up something after he finishes working. I like to make his day easier by fixing him something to eat or getting his coffee. Submitting to my husband is that much easier because he doesn’t make demands on me.

Marriage for me comes easy. Part of that is my husband…because he makes being his wife easy…part of it is me….because I like being a wife. And so much of it is the relationship my husband and I have with the Lord. Because we seek to please Him, we can please each other.

But in that…there is still a role. I have one. My husband has one. My husband is a great provider. He is a great protector. He takes care of us and provides for us in all that he does. He loves me and I know it. He shows me daily how much he loves me and how important I am to him.

He’s said I’m spoiled.

My sister said I’m spoiled.

I am spoiled.

But…I still have a role in marriage. I have a responsibility. How long would my husband show me the love he does if I didn’t show him love? How long would he feel wanted and needed if I pushed him away…physically or emotionally…every time he came around?

How long would marriage come easy if I acted that way? How long would it stay good if I failed to be a keeper at home? If I failed to submit to him? If I failed to respect him?

There are roles to be ‘played’ in marriage. My role as wife is to keep my husbands home, submit to him…to respect him. That is the role of a wife. Because I love my husband I want to please him, but pleasing him falls into those three categories. Because I love my husband I want to keep house for him, do his laundry, fix him meals…but doing those things is being a keeper at home. Because I love my husband…it’s easy to respect him.

 

 

It got hard

‘I don’t believe in God.’

What do you say to someone that says that? How do you react? How do you respond? When I heard those words from someone I love my mind and my heart kind of froze. Before I could get them working again this same person said ‘I just want to be happy and be a good person.’

And still I didn’t know how to respond. What is the right response to that? On the one hand I’m glad this person wants to ‘be a good person’, on the other I wonder what that means. In my heart I want to tell this person just what they’re risking by denying God, denying Christ but in my head I know that it would do little, if any, good. I remind myself that replying that way might very well push them further away.

I remember how when I first started understanding exactly what it was that I saw in Scripture my husband told me ‘now it will get hard’. I’m not sure it gets any harder than to hear someone that holds your heart in their hands tell you that they don’t believe in God.

Last night my husband and I watched a video of a Christian man explain an encounter he recently had with three other people. These people didn’t believe in Christ. One of the things this Christian man said was something to the effect of… if the stories are true that Jesus conquered death, that he rose from the dead and escaped the tomb, then why would you chose not to believe?

What is there in a person, in their life, that would make them completely deny Christ? Scripture tells us that everyone believes in God they just suppress that belief. And so as I spoke with this family member I was reminded of the verses where I’m told that everyone believes. I was also reminded of the verses where it warns against hardening your heart.

Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
⁸ do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion,
    on the day of testing in the wilderness,
⁹ where your fathers put me to the test
    and saw my works for forty years.
¹⁰ Therefore I was provoked with that generation,
and said, ‘They always go astray in their heart;
    they have not known my ways.’
¹¹ As I swore in my wrath,
    ‘They shall not enter my rest.’”

¹² Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. ¹⁵ As it is said,

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”

¹⁶ For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? ¹⁷ And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? ¹⁸ And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient? ¹⁹ So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief. Hebrews 3:7-19

I know that this was addressed to the believer but it speaks of the unbeliever and so as I listened to this person tell me that they don’t believe in God I remembered the verses above. I thought of the hardening of heart that took place in this person’s life. I remember watching this person change from someone that confessed a fairly strong belief, even gave things up for what they believed, to someone that was telling me they no longer believed in God.

And it got hard.

My heart wanted to warn them of the torture waiting for them in hell if they continued in unbelief, my mind reminded me that that would do no good.

My heart wanted to beg them to open their heart again to believe in Christ, my mind reminded me that would do no good.

And it was hard.

It’s still hard.

I think back to that video we watched, think of the man doing his best to dispute the ideas the other people in the show held and having to do it long after the show he was on had finished being filmed because the other people on the show hadn’t given him the chance to voice his beliefs.

As I sat talking to this person that I loved, as I heard them say they don’t believe in God, I felt much the way this man must have felt only I wasn’t being prevented from voicing my beliefs by my loved one as those people prevented that man from voicing his. I was prevented from voicing my beliefs by my own mind that told me to voice those beliefs at that time would do no good and could even do more harm.

I was reminded of the children that were forced to write Bible verses as punishment and how they came to resent Scripture as a result. I didn’t want to create any more resentment in the heart and mind of my loved one.

So I walked through that conversation as a person might walk on very fragile, very thin glass. I knew one wrong step, one wrong word, would shatter the glass.

And it was hard.

I had to balance my own beliefs against the mindset of the person I was talking to. I had to tread with caution hoping to plant seeds that would one day sprout.

Unlike the man in the video that wanted only to express his beliefs…the man that did eventually express his beliefs by showing clips of the show he had been on in his own show as he discussed and debated each clip while voicing his beliefs…I wanted to plant seeds in the hopes that they would one day take root and sprout. To do so I had to carefully sift the soil and cautiously lay down the seeds I wanted to grow.

 And as I write this post I find myself struggling with my own thoughts and ideas. I find myself struggling with how to word what I want to say, struggling with the hard part of what I went through while hearing my loved one tell me they don’t believe in God, struggling with my own pain.

Because it got hard.

The video I watched with my husband has no bearing on the conversation I had with my loved one but that conversation came not long after we watched that video. And as I had that conversation I was reminded of the beliefs…or lack of…held by the three other people in that video. Particularly I found myself thinking of the beliefs…or lack of…held by two young women on the video.

In the clips used on the program we watched there were a couple of women that kept voicing their beliefs, beliefs that basically boiled down to let everyone live for their own happiness and just love everyone. It was after watching that program that I had the conversation with my family and discovered this loved one pretty much believes the way those women did. The only real difference that I could see was that those women had held their beliefs long enough to know what they believed and my family member was just beginning to believe that way and so was confused about exactly what they believed.

When I first began to understand what it was that I was seeing in Scripture my husband told me ‘now it will get hard’. I didn’t understand then. I do now.

When a professing ‘Christian’ finds out that someone doesn’t believe in Christ the answer is simple…convince them to choose to believe. That’s it. All they have to do is work their way around the heard headedness of the person they’re talking to and get that person to say they believe. They need only to convince them to say a five minute prayer. Once the prayer is said the person is saved and they can quit worrying about their soul.

It’s not like that.

And because it’s not like that…it gets hard. I can’t be mad at this family member because of their unbelief because the Lord has decided who he will save and who he won’t. If I get angry with someone for not believing then I’m basically punishing them for something they had no control over. Not that I came anywhere close to being angry. I was hurt. Hurt for them, scared for them, worried about them, but not even close to angry.

You see, I understand what that person didn’t. I understand that in their unbelief  they are risking their eternity, they are literally playing with fire. And yet…I know that only the Lord can save them. They have a part to play. I have a part to play. But only the Lord can save them. The decision has already been made. The Lord will either save this person or they won’t.

I have questioned myself many times about whether or not I should explain the truths of Scripture to family members that profess to be ‘Christians’. I’ve wondered if I should tell them what I know that they do not know. And I haven’t found the answer yet. In some ways I think it’s best to leave them with their beliefs. I think that it preserves family relationships and lets them happily hang onto what belief they do have. But then I wonder… I know I had never heard of the truths that were revealed to me before I was seeing them in Scripture. In all my days and years of going to ‘church’ I never heard them. And so I wonder if I might not be the only person in my family member’s lives to show them those truths. And if I am…is it my place to say something?

That is where my beliefs get hard. Hearing someone I love tell me that they don’t believe in God and that they just want to be happy and be a good person…got hard. If I had held the beliefs of most professing ‘Christians’ I would have tried to convince my loved one to just ‘chose Christ’ but because I don’t hold those beliefs there was nothing I could say. All I could do was try to understand where they were coming from. And reassure them that I held no anger toward them because they didn't believe.

And I knew, even as I reassured them, that I would pray hard for them. I knew I would beg the Lord to do something in their lives that they would never choose if given the choice. I knew that I would spend countless hours in prayer for this person because I knew what they did not.

I knew what they are missing out on. I know what their unbelief will cost them.

And because I know I will beg the Lord for this person’s soul.

And still…the pain was near devastating. As I thought of what this person may wind up suffering I emotionally staggered.

 I hurt.

 I ached.

 I bled invisible blood. Because I know the consequences to come if the Lord leaves this person to their unbelief.

And it was hard.

It hurt.

I wanted to do something but was powerless to change anything in that moment. I wanted to tell them how wrong they are, to beg with them, to plead, to convince them to change their minds but I knew it wasn’t their minds that needed changed it was their heart.

 I am reminded of the security my grandmother used to find in knowing that her children and grandchildren had said ‘the prayer’. And I’m reminded of how much easier it would be to believe that way. If I believed that way I would still have the security of knowing that this person will go to heaven because they once said ‘the prayer’. But I know that prayer did not secure this person’s salvation any more than saying I want to own that car makes it yours.

But as that person told me of their unbelief I almost wished I could believe that way because it would have taken away a good part of the pain I felt at hearing ‘I don’t believe in God.’

And for me…

It got hard.

 

 

I am his weakness, he is my strength

I recently saw a quote that basically said…when a man loves a woman she is his weakness, when a woman loves a man she is his strength.

I found that quote fascinating, powerful, and sad all at the same time. Fascinating because it says so much about the love that should be between a husband and wife…and those that will one day become husband and wife. Powerful because there’s so much truth in it…or there should be. And Sad because it failed to acknowledge just why that saying was so fascinating and powerful.

For me that quote perfectly describes what the Lord put in place when He created the first marriage, and in each marriage since then.

Scripture tells us…

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel… 1 Peter 3:7

That verse alone explains why a wife should be her husband’s weakness. I know in our fallen world that isn’t always the case. There are many married couples who seem to enjoy hurting each other far more than they do looking after the good of the other. Because my aim is to focus only on Biblical marriage (and because it hurts my heart to think of marriage any other way) I’m going to write this post with the thought of that Biblical marriage in mind.

And so, in thinking of the Biblical marriage…I can clearly see that the Lord intended for the wife to be her husband’s weakness. I can see that very thing in my husband. I can see it in the way he treats me, in the way he worries about me. When I think of my husband…I am honored to think of being his weakness.

My husband is the type of man that would do anything for anyone. He’d help anyone that needed help. But I also know that there’s something different in the way he would respond if I were to be threatened in some way. That’s normal. We all would respond just a little different when someone we love is in danger than we would for a stranger. Sad as it may be its our human nature.

The simple fact is that when someone we love is in danger we have more to lose…more at stake. And so our actions reflect that.

But even knowing all that…I think of what it means to be my husbands weakness. I think of what he would do for me. Never having put any of that to the test I know it to be true. In any situation I might care to imagine, I can see how I am my husband’s weakness. I know without ever experiencing it what he would do for me if need be. I also know that if ever I were threatened in any way my husband would not only respond in a way to protect me but also in a way to keep me safe, even if that meant going against his natural instincts.

Because I am his weakness.

 I am, by the Lord’s design, the weaker vessel in our marriage.

But that last paragraph has a flip side. Where I am his weakness, he is my strength. I know that in any given situation he gives me strength. There are times when I may not have the strength to face something…and I know I can draw on his strength. There may be times when my weakness is a hindrance and in those moments my husband is my strength.

There is something inherently understood throughout all of humanity. It is generally understood…and undeniable…that men are stronger than women. That strength shows up in both emotional and physical ways.

My husband recently moved our living room furniture around without showing any signs of it being the least bit heavy. If I had moved the same furniture I would have struggled with it and been forced to slide it across the floor where my husband lifted it. I am physically weaker than my husband is. That physical weakness is obvious and undeniable but that isn’t the kind of weakness and strength that that quote made me think of.

The strength and weaknesses that came to mind when I read that quote was emotional. It was a balancing of roles. A completing of two people that were once only one.

You see…in as much as I am my husband’s weakness…I am also his strength. Because I am a weak spot for him he knows he must be strong for me. He must stand in leadership. He be strong when he knows that I am weak. I make him weak, but I also make him strong.

I complete him in a way he would never be complete without me.

But again that has a flip side. Where my husband is my strength…he is also a weakness. Without my husband I know that I must be strong and face whatever comes. With my husband I know that I can lean on him, depend on him, let him be my strength and therefore I don’t have to. Whether it be in a physical way…I didn’t need to move the furniture because I knew my husband would…or in an emotional way…I can fall apart because he’s there to hold me together.

He completes me by allowing me to be the weaker vessel. He completes me because he fills places in my life, in my heart, in my soul, that would be empty without him.

I am his weakness.

He is my strength.

 

 

Marriage is 'prostitution'

I was listening to a reformed preacher recently and heard something so shocking that I had to listen to it again. And again. I don’t know why it was shocking. It shouldn’t have been. But it was. And so I replayed the video not once but twice. I have a pretty good idea I will listen to the section of video where what he said shocked me…and prompted this post…again as I write this.

The concept is just so…beyond belief…that I can’t wrap my mind around it.

It isn’t that I have a hard time believing that there are people that think and feel the way he said, it’s that it is such a foreign concept to me that I can’t begin to fathom the idea of holding such a belief.

I even find myself having a hard time putting the concept here in black and white. You see this preacher spoke on marriage but it wasn’t marriage as I would define it. He said there are many women…feminists…that want to do away with the state of marriage. That part I could understand. Our society…our culture…even our world…has and is attacking the institution of marriage from just about every side imaginable. But this…. This belief held by some…maybe many…just baffled me.

It wasn’t just that they wanted to do away with marriage but the reason why they wanted to do away with it. It appears that there are some women that believe marriage is prostitution. In those that hold this belief they say the woman is owned by the man as his exclusive property. They claim that the man puts his name on his wife like a brand as if she’s livestock, that he keeps her as his own personal prostitute, engaging in sex with her at his will, and the only way to break this cycle is to get rid of marriage.

That concept is so foreign to me that I can’t even begin to fathom it. I was shocked when I heard him say there are women that believe that way and I’m still shocked now. It’s isn’t so much that there are some that believe that way that’s shocking. For me it’s the very notion of looking at marriage in such a derogatory way…and these women, I assume, not only see it that way but promote their beliefs to others and try and convince other women to believe the way they do.

The more I thought about women thinking of marriage this way, the more it bothered me. And so I decided to not only write about it but to do more research on it. An internet search proved that the preacher I listened to was right…not that I doubted him.

In the last few months the traditional view of marriage…the Biblical view of marriage…has come under so much attack that it’s been almost obliterated…or so they want us to believe. Marriage has been under attack for a very long time. So much so that we could almost say that marriage as the Lord designed it is an endangered species…except of course it isn’t a species. But it is endangered.

So hearing that anyone has spoken against…or attacked…marriage isn’t surprising. It wasn’t that someone spoke against it that shocked me, it was what they were saying about it, what they were likening it too.

Prostitution.

My mind just can’t wrap around that. The very word prostitution brings to mind a sin-filled, act where there is nothing but filth and money. It’s such a sickening institution that all I can see is the sexual immorality of it. It takes something that should be beautiful and right in the Lord’s eyes and makes it such an act of filthy sin that it is so far removed from the Biblical definition of marriage I can’t see any connection between the two.

So I did the research. I read the reasons, the examples, the reasonings. And still…it’s such a far reach for me that I can’t see the connection but at least I can see how they came to that reasoning…sort of.

The women (and probably some men) that hold to the belief that prostitution is marriage aren’t seeing it as the Lord defines it. They aren’t seeing what it is…or should be…and are instead putting their own ideas on what they believe it to be. Some of them are probably married, others probably have been, and some probably never have been nor will they ever be married. I have to think that for anyone holding such a view of marriage it would probably be best if they never married. Not for themselves but for the men they might marry.

Today, in our country, we see marriage as usually the result of a love so strong you want to spend your life…or at least part of it…with that person. It starts with that emotional attachment and become a relationship that should…let me stress that: Should….encompass so much of the husband and wives life that it isn’t simply a relationship, isn’t simply a role they have, but that it’s who they are.

Yes…I know that goes against everything our society teaches women to be. I’ve heard the statements about how a woman should know who she is apart from her husband and children. I’ve heard them but I don’t believe them.

When I was a kid my grandparents were well known in the town where we lived, they were well known in the surrounding towns. Not because they had a lot of money, not because they were a prominent family, but because they knew a lot of people. As a result of that my identity was often tied up in who my grandparents were. I could walk into just about any business and tell them I’m _______________ granddaughter and immediately I got different treatment. They knew who I was because they knew who my grandparents were.

I didn’t stop being me because I was their granddaughter. I was still me, still my own person, but I knew…even when I wasn’t making use of the position…that I was my grandparents granddaughter. And I knew that that relationship carried weight, it had merit. It opened doors for me that would never have been opened without that relationship.

I have that now with my husband. There are places I can go, people I have spoken to, that where I was just another unknown when I walked in the door, once they know who my husband is I become someone else. I’m no longer just me but I’m the wife of someone these people know. And it garners instant differential treatment.

I know that isn’t exactly what is being spoken against when women are told they should know who they are without their husband and children. That they should have an identity apart from their husband, apart from being mom to ______________. I don’t see it that way. My most important place in this world is as my husbands wife, as my children’s mother. I don’t need, and don’t want, an identity apart from that. That is who I am. It’s who I want to be.

            But there are those that would say who knows what about the fact that I feel that way.

            In reading about the concept that marriage is seen as prostitution I came across a number of ideas and views. I read in one article that marriage is seen as being ‘marriage is this’ but that by this person’s definition there is no ‘is’ in marriage because everyone’s marriage is different.

            That idea to me can only be true if you look at marriage in some way other than the way it’s defined in Scripture. We are told exactly what marriage is…in black and white…in Scripture. There is an ‘is’ in marriage when viewed through the eyes of Scripture but of course to hold to the belief that marriage in any way constitutes prostitution one can’t be looking at marriage through the eyes of Scripture.

            This same article had a long list of what marriage is based on ‘I have been told…’. What, I have to ask, does it matter what you’ve been told…no matter what you believe…about marriage? All we have to do is look around us to know that everyone holds different beliefs and views on things. My husband and I share many of the same beliefs and views but there are still things that we see differently.

            There are a number of things that I’ve heard about marriage that I wouldn’t want to even consider much less apply to my marriage. Ideas like…there’s no such thing as a happy marriage, marriage is hard work, people are happier single than married…  And who knows what else.

            This article went on to advise single people that there’s no such thing as marriage, there’s only a legal contract that gives certain legal rights and responsibilities. After that…supposedly…marriage is simply what you make it.

            This article did at least go on to dispute the idea that marriage is prostitution. Not only that but the author spoke of marriage as something they had committed to for life. That wasn’t the case with anything else I read.   

            There seemed to be a big distinction between wives that work and wives that are homemakers. Among what was defined as ‘legalized prostitution’…or what we call marriage…just how much ‘prostitution was happening seemed to be defined by whether or not the wife had an income of her own. The women that worked weren’t seen in quite the same way as those who don’t hold a paying job. I actually saw ‘women who are not financially dependent on any man.’ Just the way they worded that…any man…makes it sound like a bad thing.

            Apparently feminist theorists that have studied ‘sexual economics’…whatever that is…believe that all women have been prostitutes at some point in their life. The idea goes something like it’s only a matter of whether or not they’re a prostitute to one man, because they got married, or to many men. Not only that but apparently the women that ‘prostitute’ themselves through marriage receive poor pay for their work and are subject to being controlled to the point of not having control of their own lives and being abused. And all of this is supposedly a part of, or possibly a spin off from, the idea that marriage is slavery.

            In the things I read…which admittedly wasn’t much…it said that any marriage without love is nothing more than trading certain ‘favors’ for money under the respectability of marriage. But even at that…Scripture doesn’t tell us that love is a prerequisite to marriage. How many marriages in the Bible were began between a man and a woman that didn’t know each other prior to being married? We aren’t told that these marriages were any less honorable because the couple didn’t love each other. We aren’t told that the woman became a prostitute or a slave because she married a man she didn’t love. Love doesn’t seem to be the standard for which marriage is considered honorable.

            I know someone that admits to having married a man for the simple fact that she couldn’t support herself and her children. She has said many times that she didn’t love her husband, that she never loved him.

            Does that make the marriage any less of a marriage? Does her feelings for her husband negate what the marriage was?

            According to some of what I read that made this woman a legal prostitute. Nothing else.

            What therefore God has joined together…Mark 10:9

            I don’t see anywhere in Scripture where it defines the methods through which God joins a couple together. It doesn’t say that He joins them together through love. In fact Adam and Eve couldn’t have loved each other when they became husband and wife because they were married from before the moment they met. Eve was created for the purpose of being Adam’s wife. She was his wife before she was. Love, if it happened, came later.

            I’m in no way disregarding love in marriage. I’m just saying that I don’t see where it’s a prerequisite for biblical marriage.

            But there are those that say that a woman marrying for those reasons is simply selling herself to her husband, not only that but these same people say that all marital intercourse is rape. As I understand it rape becomes rape when the woman is an unwilling participant. How then can all marital intercourse be rape? Whether marriage is involved or not, most cases of intercourse involve a willing woman.

            In my research I read a comment by someone that takes the whole marriage is prostitution theory and turned it around to say a woman will become a prostitute for dinner and a movie. Others seemed to believe that money and possessions were the main reason women get married and therefore they were prostitutes.

            These comments weren’t the feminist theory but the beliefs held by the average person responding to articles where the theories were presented. Which shows the minds of people that may not be the activist type feminists. They are the ordinary people we encounter every day. Which shows that this is the view now commonly held by our society…or at least part of it…about marriage.

            Apparently everything a wife is can be summarized down to what she will do physically in return for the security of room and board. In other words she is what they used to call a kept woman where her only purpose is the physical satisfaction of her husband. Having children may or may not be part of that role. Her husband’s role is then, by default, nothing more than that of ‘keeper’ or bill payer.

            That isn’t how Scripture defines marriage.

            In order to get to the point of seeing marriage in any one way or another we need to go back to what marriage ‘is’. If, as that one article pointed out, marriage ceases to be anything particular once the legal contract is signed then we have no definition of what it actually is. In that case why couldn’t it be legal prostitution? If there is no this-is-what-marriage-is than there is no this-is-what-marriage-isn’t. And when we take out the what marriage ‘is’ and the what marriage ‘isn’t’ then it can be anything.

            We’ve seen that in the recent laws that have been enacted over marriage.

            Without the clear definition of what marriage ‘is’, we have no standard to refute what it isn’t or what it can’t be.

            Marriage can’t be prostitution, even when love isn’t involved, even when a woman admits to marrying only for money, because it IS marriage. And marriage has a distinction that removes the possibility of prostitution from the relationship. Even if a wife was constantly telling her husband ‘I’ll do this in exchange for that’ it still wouldn’t be prostitution. It would be wrong. It would be immoral. It would be…something. But it wouldn’t be prostitution. Because it would still be marriage. The physical act would still be happening within the bounds of marriage.

            And anytime marriage as defined by the Bible is there…prostitution isn’t. Marriage by Biblical definition is an institution created and brought about by God. In every single marriage that ever happens. What God has brought together. It doesn’t get any plainer than that. God brought them together. They are joined in marriage…a relationship that comes not only with certain legal rights and responsibilities, but with God given rights and responsibilities.

            By Biblical definition marriage is the union between one man and one woman…

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

Joined together so that they are no longer one person but two…

and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '? 6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Matthew 19:5-6

For life…

What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6

That is what marriage ‘is’. It is…and should be…the definition through which we look at marriage. It should be the high standard for which we view all of marriage. It is a union created by God in the garden of Eden…

Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:22-23

            In this we see that the woman…the wife…wasn’t just made to be a wife but she was…and is…literally a part of her husband. She was made from his body. This was the first marriage, it was the marriage where God literally presented the wife to her husband. She was made for him…from him…and handed over to him. It was God ordained then…without the benefit of love between the couple…and it is God ordained today, with or without love.

            It doesn’t become marriage without it being…what God has joined together.

            That is the basis of what marriage ‘is’. There is a definite defining of what it is and what it should be. If we look further into Scripture we see more of what marriage is beyond the very basics.

            Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.  Hebrews 13:4


            We are told that marriage should be honorable among all. There’s no distinction for how the marriage came to be or the feelings between the couple. We are just told that marriage is to be held in honor. It’s an honorable state. Not only that but we’re told that the marriage bed is to be undefiled. Any form of prostitution would defile the marriage bed, it wouldn’t be honorable in any way. How then, can marriage in any way be likened to Biblical marriage?


            Scripture also gives us other insights into what a marriage should be…

 

He who finds ¹a wife finds ²a good thing and ³obtains favor ⁴from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

 

Other versions say that a wife is a gift from the Lord. She is a gift…it doesn’t say she’s a possession, a slave, or a prostitute. And it doesn’t define how the marriage came to be or why either the man or the woman entered into the marriage. It simply says that she is a favor, or a gift, from the Lord. I can’t imagine a prostitute ever being a gift, or a favor. Even if she was sent to a man as a gift what she’s bringing, what she’s offering isn’t the kind of gift I envision when I read this verse.

To me this verse is saying that a wife is a gift from the Lord, she’s something special given…or entrusted…to him. As I think of that verse, among others, I think of how some see men as branding their wives with their names as if they are livestock. And I think of my own marriage. My husband never asked me to take his name, never said I had to, never even mentioned it. I WANTED to take his name. For me, taking my husband’s name was a part of the marriage. It was part of the sacred union that I entered into…willingly…with him. By taking his name I was announcing to all that I belong to him, much the way wearing a wedding ring announces that I belong to my husband.

It wasn’t about being branded as the feminists described it. It was about becoming one…completely…with my husband. I think of how people used to refer to a woman as Mrs. And her husband’s name. She was completely within his identity at that moment. She didn’t have the distinction of her own name, of her own person. Who she was was completely wrapped up within her husband. She was referred to as the female part of the husband. He was her identity.

That practice has long been set aside but when I think of it…I think of how it should be. Woman was created for man. The first woman was literally made from her husband’s body. She was not only his, but her identity was in him. Because he was…she was.

Being a wife wasn’t a role she played. It wasn’t like saying she was a teacher or a waitress. It was the very identity of who she was. She was first and foremost her husbands wife. Then came all her other roles.

And the Lord says she was a gift to her husband.

I see no slavery in that. I see no prostitution. When I think of being the Lord’s gift to my husband… it makes me realize just how important my role as wife is. As a gift to my husband I know that I have been entrusted to him by my Lord.

That places me in a position where I’m not ‘just’ my husband’s wife but where I ‘get’ to be his wife. It’s an honor. It’s precious. It’s priceless.

Scripture goes on to better define our roles as husband and wife. Ephesians 5 tells me how to act as a wife and my husband how to act as a husband. It defines the love and respect that should be between us, not just in thought but in deed. Ephesians 5:33 summarizes it…

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.


If that isn’t enough 1 Peter 3:7 shows us how to live that out…


Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.


That verse is directed to the husband but for me it shows a lot of what the marital relationship should be. It tells my husband how he should treat me…with understanding and honor…but it also shows me where my place in the marriage is. I’m the weaker vessel but by Scripture that is an honorable place to be. I’m not ‘just a wife’, I’m not a ‘legal prostitute’. I’m an heir of the grace of life with my husband.


As a wife…I might belong to my husband…but it isn’t in a degrading ‘prostitution’ or ‘slave’ sort of way. It’s in an honorable way. I was a gift given to him by the Lord, created for the purpose of being my husband’s wife, and it is an honor to be his wife. If sharing my husband’s name is a brand he ‘put’ on me…it’s a brand I gladly wear. If my husband owns me…I willingly give him the right to do so.


Quite honestly I want to belong to my husband. I want him to know that I am his and his alone, that he has exclusive rights to me.


My marriage in no way looks or feels like the feminist definition of marriage as ‘legal prostitution’. It is a precious union that I willingly entered into and it’s an honorable union that I’m happy to be a part of.