Our children watch

I recently wrote about how our lives are a story being written in the book of our life and how those stories create the people that our children become (titled ‘The book we’re writing’). When I sat down to write that I had an idea of what I wanted to write and discovered that my thoughts went in sort of the right direction but that they took a turn I hadn’t even thought of. Because that happened I wish to write once again on the same topic but with the purpose of writing what I intended to write last time.

Funny how as I write sometimes I write exactly what I intended to, sometimes I had no thought in mind and I watch as the words take shape on the computer, and sometimes everything I planned to write gets pushed aside to write something I hadn’t even thought of.

When I sat down to write that last post I wanted to write about books…I did that…but I had a different point I wanted to make.

You see, I own many books, some I read and some I know I will never read again. My children have more books than I’d ever want to count. Those books have played a role in our lives and may continue to play a role in them.

The most valuable book I own is the Bible…and I own many of those. Within the pages of the Bible is not only the story of the world, not only the story of my Lord, not only the story of God’s people, but within those pages is the story of me. It holds the story of my family, the story of my marriage, the story of my children. We may not be mentioned by name but we are mentioned nonetheless. We are there in the pages, there in the words spoken and written.

It is within the pages of that Book that I find the meaning for my life, I find the reason for my life being written the way it was.

But it isn’t to that Book that my thoughts want to turn to today. As important as it is…my thoughts want to turn to the shelves of children’s book we have in our home. I think of the stories on the pages of those books. I think of the toddler books with the short sentences and intriguing pictures, I think of the chapter books with the ability to captivate my children.

And as I think of those books I also think of my children. A while back I wrote what I titled ‘Raising souls’. In it I spoke of how it took me many children and lots of years to realize that I’m not just raising little people that carry my heart with them everywhere they go but that I’m raising souls for the Lord. No matter what their eventual place with Christ is…they are souls with a purpose designed by the Lord. They have a purpose to fulfill. What that purpose is I may never know but they have one.

And it’s here in this writing and in my thoughts and heart where the words I wrote in ‘The book we’re writing’ and the words I wrote in ‘Raising souls’ meet and converge. It’s in my thoughts and here in my words as I write where those two different ideas come together to form one.

You see as I think of those many children’s books we have in our possession I think of the story my children see and learn from with each book. And then I think of the souls that my children are, the foundation that is laid in their lives with everything they do, with everything they encounter, and those thoughts become the foundation for much bigger thoughts that flow through my mind and heart.

You see we tend to see movies and books as being stories we see and listen to. Whether we like them or not we all know that those things are stories. Even the true stories are labeled as ‘stories’.

My grandmother spent many hours telling me about her life. They were the stories of my grandmother’s life. She told me stories about her parents and siblings. She told me about my mother when she was a child. She told me about life during the depression.

She told me stories of her life that transported me into the world as my grandmother knew it.

As a child I used to ask my grandpa to tell me about how he moved cross country in a covered wagon. That story fascinated me. My grandpa wasn’t a good story teller. He never made it sound like a story, never embellished it, never made it exciting or adventurous, he simply told me the facts and those facts were more than enough to captivate me with the story of how grandpa traveled in a covered wagon.

Now my children ask me to tell them stories of my childhood, they ask me to tell them stories of when they were little. Last night at midnight I was up with my five year old and for whatever reason I told him that when I was a girl we didn’t have computers, cell phones, ereaders… His little eyes grew huge and the shock on his face was clear to see.

My grandparents took me to times that I couldn’t really imagine as they told me the stories of their lives….and I took my son to the same kind of time. He’s never known life without computers, cell phones, and the many other modern technologies. He knows how to do things with electronics that I didn’t learn until I was grown.

The stories of our lives hold as much interest for our children as do the stories written in the pages of books. When my oldest was little I discovered a good amount of the history of my ancestors…enough to know who they were and where they came from all the way back to 1700. Because I knew that when my daughter would ask for a story I would tell her the story of our family. She loved it and asked me to tell her that story over and over. So much so that I eventually wrote it down in a way that she could understand and had it bound into a book that she could hold and read for herself. She spent many hours reading that book.

Within its pages was 11 generations of our family’s stories. They were short, giving only basic details…in most cases because basic details were all I knew...but she didn’t care. She was simply captivated and amazed by what wasn’t even a well written story. I didn’t need to write it in the perfect style required by publishers, I didn’t need to meet the expectations of my reader, because my targeted audience was so fascinated with the story I was writing that she willingly overlooked the bad writing.

Our children are fascinated by our lives. They watch the story of our lives unfold before them whether we realize it or not. I’ve heard many times that we shouldn’t tell our children to live one way while we’re in the midst of living another way, that actions speak louder than words, that they’ll follow what they see us doing and not what they hear us saying.

We are living out before them a story that they read every single day. It is a story that is more powerful than any they will ever read in a book, it is a story that will shape and mold who they are, it is a story they will remember long after we are no longer with them.

They may or may not choose to emulate the story they watch us live but it is a story that shapes their ideas and personalities nonetheless.

It’s said that girls base their ideas of how a man should treat them based on how they watch their dad treat their mother. Those are the expectations that our daughters will take with them into their future and into their marriages. They will get those expectations from the pages of the story their parents live out before them.

Our son’s will learn how to treat women, how to treat their future wives and children, based off how they see their dad treat their mother and siblings.

Years ago we had neighbors where the husband was abusive toward his wife. This couple had four children, two girls and two boys. When we met them their children ranged in age from about 4 to about 10. Their oldest daughter used to ride her bike up and down the road a good deal of the time she was home. She began to stop in front of our house and just watch us. She didn’t seem to want to come into the yard, didn’t speak to us at first. She just sat and watched us as we came and went. We would speak to her but in the beginning she said little more than hi to us. In time she came into the yard. It wasn’t long after that before she was a regular in our home. She spent the night, she went to town with us, she went to theme parks with us. Most nights she ate dinner with us.

Her younger sister would come with her from time to time but this little girl came pretty much every day and she stayed all day. It took a while before we understood what was happening. Home wasn’t a safe place for her and so she found somewhere that was safe. In time her mother admitted what was going on at home, told us of how her husband beat her on a regular basis.

This little girl watched the story of her parents being unfolded before her and it was, for her, a story of fear and anger. From the road she would sit and watch our family, hardly speaking to us, she watched our story and eventually chose to become a part of it...so much so that it was almost as if she was one of our own.

This little girl was the oldest of the four children in her family. Her sister would sometimes come to our house and in time her brothers did too. This little girl seemed to seek the kind of family we had, the kind of life that we had. She would play baby dolls for hours, she played with our infant daughter as if she was her baby. Her sister, when she came, had no interest in playing, instead she wanted to go through everything, she pulled all the books off the bookshelf saying that she wanted to organize it but never did anything more than make a huge mess before leaving, she emptied toy boxes for the same reason and never did anything more than leave the mess behind.

In those two girls was such a difference in what they were seeking, in how they were dealing with the stress of what the story in their home was. One craved not just the normal but nurturing, the other created chaos.

And the boys…they had learned at their daddy’s knee. They were mean and aggressive to the girls. Expressions often rested on their little faces that should never have been there. Even though they were younger than their sisters it was clear to see that their opinions of their sisters mirrored their dad’s attitudes toward their mother. And it wasn’t just their sisters that received this treatment. Our girls received it, the other girls in the neighborhood received it. I received it. The boys kept it in check with me and other teenage and adult females…they were only 4 and 6 at the time…but it was unleashed toward younger girls.

These children had been affected…influenced…by the story they saw being written between their parents.

They aren’t the only children that I have seen this effect in. They aren’t the only children that sought the safety of our home when theirs wasn’t a safe or good place to be. I have a sister that is much younger than I am. So much so that she was in her mid-teen years when I was raising children. She’s so much younger than I am that she’s closer to my oldest child’s age than my own. This sister spent a good deal of time in our home, even living with us. I was more of a second mother to her than a sister. When she was about 16 she had a boyfriend that loved to come to our house. He would come to see her and he would stay all day or as long as we would let him…there were days he had to be told that it was late and we needed to go to bed. Each time he left he did so reluctantly.

In time he admitted to us that his mother and sister were both alcoholics and that there was rarely any food in his house. He admitted to living on crackers and only had them because he bought them himself and kept them hidden so he’d have them.

In all his time at our house he found his place among us. He became something of a big brother to the children, he helped with things around the house the best way he could.

Eventually he and my sister split up. Long after the end of their relationship we saw this boy in town and he admitted to driving past our house on a regular basis just to see it and know that we were still there.

This teenage boy was a product of the story that his mother, his only parent, and his sister wrote for him. Tragically, not long after he told us how he would drive by just to see our house and maybe catch a glimpse of us, he was killed in a car accident. The accident happened about a year after he and my sister split up. The cause of the accident was his own choices. He was driving drunk, crossed the line and hit a diesel head on.

That boy left a mark on my life as I left one on his. His home life was such that he sought the security, the love, the normalness of our home long after he no longer visited us. When I learned of his death I was shocked. Not so much because it happened but because I remembered having him in our home, remembered the impact we had on his life. For a little while he watched a different story unfold and it was one he longed for until the night he died.

I’ve thought many times of that boy. Thought of how he missed something vital in his life to the point that when he found it in our home he longed for it. I’ve thought of how that boy, so close to being a man, knew that kind of life only for the short time he was at our home.

Now as I think of him, as I think of the choices he made that cost him his life. I see it from two sides…the earthly and the spiritual. I can look at that boy’s life through the faith I hold and know that his time on earth had come to an end, his choices were only the method the Lord used to end his days on earth. He had fulfilled the purpose the Lord had for him. His days had reached their end.

 But I can see it from the earthly also…I can see how the life his family lived affected him. I can see how their choices taught him to live in a way that resulted in the final choices he made that last night of his life. I can see how the story his family lived out before him set the foundation for what he became not only that last night but also during the time he was seeking something from us that he wasn’t getting at home. I can see how the story of his life, how the story he saw written before him on a daily basis played a major role in setting the foundation for the choices he wound up making. This was the life he was placed in, it was where the Lord put him. The story his family lived out before him set the tone for his short life.

And he watched the story from the day he was born.

They say the first three years of a child’s life are their formative years. Ideas and personality will be settled in them in those first years that will last the rest of their life. As a mother I have watched my children grow through those formative years. ‘They’ may be right about those first three years but all of childhood is formative years. They are little sponges that observe and learn based on what they see and experience. They watch the story of their parent’s life and follow the path they see set out before them.

I’m not saying that if real Christian parents live out Scripture before them that those children will be saved because they saw it. Only the Lord can save them and he will do so or not according to His will. Even the story that our children see before them are used for the Lord’s purposes…whatever they may be.

I don’t know why it was that for a while we were the safe place for our neighbor’s daughter. I don’t know what purpose there was in that. Was she in our lives so she could be an influence to us or so we could influence her? I’ll never know.

I don’t know why my sister’s boyfriend not only passed through our life but became so attached to us. Was it for his good, to help in the purpose of his life, or was it for ours? Was he there to teach us something or were we there to help him in the purpose that was soon to be fulfilled in his life? I’ll never know.

All I know is that, as I look back on the lives of those two young people who found security and love within the walls of our home, they were there for a reason. For a time they were placed in our life. And then they were taken out of our life. Our time in each others stories had come to an end. One chapter ended and a new one began. But for that time we were written into the story of each other’s lives. And the impact we made on each other was long lasting.

Our children watch our story unfold and get lived out the same way those two children watched their parents stories. Our children are effected by the way we live our life, by the things we do, by the things we believe, by the things we talk about, by how we interact with them.

As our children begin stories of their own, when they are still major characters in the daily life of our own story, they will take with them the memories and influence of the story we lived out before them. No matter how they eventually live out their own story they will always carry ours with them.

What story are we writing on the hearts, minds, and lives of our children?

 

The book we're writing.

When I was about 11 years old I discovered something amazing…to me anyway. I discovered books. I had always had picture books and had enjoyed them but it wasn’t until around age 11 that I discovered chapter books.

In the pages of those books I learned something that I had never known before. I could go anywhere, be anyone, do anything.

The stories on those black and white pages transformed my life from what it was at the time to just about anything I wanted it to be. I lived on the prairie in pioneer times, dressed in long skirts and lived without modern technologies. I suffered through the depression. I loved and lost. Explored caves, searched for buried treasure, survived kidnappings and time traveled.

Every time I opened a new book…I opened a new life.

At the time my love of books was a cross between entertainment and escape. Books helped me pass many hours in the years when I lived between childhood and the adult world. They gave me something to do when I wouldn’t have had anything to do. They were easy to carry anywhere I went and were always there when I needed them. But they also gave me an escape when I needed one. Illnesses that left me feeling awful were a little easier to get through when I could focus on the joys and trials of someone else’s life. Situations I found myself in that were too difficult to bear became easier when I escaped my life through the pages of a book.

And so books became my best friend.

I spent many, many hours with those friends.

Now, years and years after first discovering books, I still enjoy them. There’s something about reading about others, whether real or fictional, that can’t be found outside the pages of a book. Today I find it much harder to enjoy a book, not because the stories in them aren’t as good as the ones I remember from childhood but because I now know that so many of those stories go against my Lord.

As a child I didn’t care if a book contained time travel or magic. I didn’t care if it was about murder or other sin. I was simply looking for a story that could not only hold my attention but one that could transport me from my world to the world that existed only in the pages of that book. Now I have a higher standard.

In the pages of a book I now know that there’s so much more being played out than just what’s happening in the story. Depending on what the book is about and whether it was written based on Biblical principles comes through within only a few pages. Some books glorify sin, some degrade my Lord, others teach falsehoods while claiming to be Biblical, and a few speak truth. That happens in both fiction and nonfiction.

And what most people don’t know is that within the pages of a book, no matter what the story is about, the author’s views on everything in life is slowly being fed into us through tiny bite sized pieces.

There are books that are considered classics, books that most children have encountered at some point in their lives, whose authors dabbled in the occult. And once a person knows that it becomes easy to see it in the pages of the story. But you have to know it to really see it or else you have to be reading the book with a very discerning eye.

No child is going to read with that kind of discernment. Most adults don’t read that way. A book is seen as entertainment, something to pass the time. They can’t do any harm. Or so many believe.

But stories aren’t just written on the pages of a book. Those subtle influences aren’t penned only in the words portrayed in things of entertainment.

Stories are written every day, in every person’s life. They’re written in our minds and hearts with everyone we know. Each encounter we have with another person writes a story on our life. Some may be fleeting like the short picture books that passed through our hands when we were children, they may leave little or no impression. Others are long sagas with many chapters and hundreds of pages.

What may seem to be an innocent encounter with another person may indeed form ideas and opinions in our minds and hearts that will take root for all of our earthly life.

Our children are particularly susceptible to having their stories altered by encounters with other people and with each experience.

As a homeschooler I have encountered many different ideas on how to raise children, on how to bring them up in the Christian faith, on what to let them experience and encounter. There are those among the Christian homeschool world that believe that a child should never encounter anything that doesn’t teach them from a Christian perspective and there are those that believe children should be exposed to as much of the world as possible so that they know what it’s all about-in those that believe that way some will counter everything their child encounters with discussions on what they as a family believe and others let their children form their own ideas and opinions without trying to influence them.

As a Christian it has become difficult for me to find books that I feel are okay for me to read. It’s even harder to find books that I feel comfortable letting my children read. I know that the Lord will either save my children or not in His time and that there isn’t a book out there that will keep that from happening but I also know that the things we experience in life help set our foundation for what we will become. I have a responsibility to my children and to my Lord to help set the right kind of foundation for my children.

There were many years in my parenting life that I didn’t know that. Many years passed where we chose what came into our lives based on a much looser idea of what was okay and what wasn’t. I remember spending many, many hours reading chapter books to my oldest when she was too young to read them herself. Some of her favorite ones were a series about kids that time traveled with the help of a magician.

Yesterday that same daughter told me how her favorite books have always been the science fiction type with time travel, fairies, and other type situations.

Today as I think back on the many hours we spent with that type of books, as I remember the movies I let her watch and the play I encouraged, I must also think of the foundation we laid with each page we turned, with each movie we sat through, with the fairy houses I helped build and the toys I bought for her. The Lord used all of that in both her life and mine. He used it in the lives of each person in our family and I’m only now reaching the midpoint of the story. I’m still reading the book that is our life. I can’t see the end of the story, I can’t flip ahead to read the last page or the last chapter.

But I can see the influence those stories, movies, and play have had in my children’s lives long after the time when we stopped letting them through our front door. I see them when my children reminisce about the books and movies we once read, when they talk about the things they used to play. I see them in the smiles those memories bring.

And I see the failures of the ideas I wrote into our story when I didn’t yet know I was writing a story and I see the failures I write today when I do know that each day is another page in our story, when each moment is another sentence in our book.

And there is no delete button.

I can’t erase something once it’s been placed into the pages of the book of our life. Once a character comes into our story they are there forever whether they enter our story as real life people, fictional characters in books or movies, or ideas imparted through someone else. They are all there increasing the word count in the story that is our life, lengthening the pages of our book, adding to the story unfolding before our eyes.

As a Christian that now sees there’s a greater story going on than the story within my life, that now understands there’s a Book that was written that I never need to worry about the influence it has on my children, I find myself at odds with my thoughts sometimes.

I must wonder what in the story of our lives is building the foundation I want to put under my children and what is being written into my children’s lives that I may be opposed to but that the Lord has put there for their greater good.

I feel the need to protect them from all that goes against my beliefs, from all that might lead them astray, but today…so close to the discussion I had with my daughter yesterday….I must also wonder about the foundation that has already been laid.

And how that foundation has written words into the book that is my child’s life.

If our family story is a book then we are all characters in a continuing saga that will play out for many years to come, Lord willing. We are a series of books in which the characters are the same but the stories must eventually separate. We overlap because we have been given to each other for a time and our stories are all one but as our children grow they must, in time, move into their own books. Their stories must become their own and not merely a spot within the pages of the story of their parents lives.

What did they learn while they were in our book? What did they learn from the influence of the story we write in our own lives? What have we taught them through the encounters we have allowed them to have?

Was our story written based on Scripture? Can we hand them over to their own stories, to their own books, knowing that we have shown them, guided them, in the way that they should go or will we watch with bated breath as they jump from the pages of our book into the blank pages of their own without the proper safety net beneath them?

What are we writing on the hearts of our children while we have them within the pages of our life?

Redefining Christianity

Imagine walking into a bookstore and browsing the shelves. Maybe you’re there to buy a certain book, maybe you just happen to be there and you’re walking the aisles looking at the books for no real reason. Whatever your purpose for being there you find a book you want, buy it, and take it home.

When you get home you sit in your favorite spot, examine the book a little better, and then you start to read.

If you aren’t a book reader then maybe you’re online, looking through your favorite websites and you come across an article that sounds interesting. Even though it’s long you settle into your chair and start to read.

There in front of you…in your book, or on your computer screen…is the story or article as the author wrote it. All laid out in black and white. You can clearly see from the very beginning that the writer had a purpose to the story or article. You can understand where they’re going with it. You might like exactly what they’re saying or maybe you think…if I had written this I would have written it this way. But there it is in undeniable script, plain for all to see, exactly as the writer wanted it to be.

If you call someone over and have them read it they will see it exactly the same way you do because you can’t misinterpret what is said. It’s plain for all to see. Scrolling down to the comment section, or looking up reviews online, will show you that all the other people that read it got the same thing from it. If it was a news article about tornadoes in Iowa there won’t be comments on a dog saving a toddler from choking. If it’s a book about the civil war the reviews on it won’t tell you that it’s a great instructional book on learning to play golf.

Those things just won’t be there because all of the readers got the same information from what they read. Whether they liked it or not they will have understood what it was about and they won’t see something in it that wasn’t there.

But the Bible seems to do just that to people. In my home right now there are at least ten Bibles plus several New Testaments. If I went out to the vehicles I could come up with a couple more Bibles. There are a variety of versions to choose from…King James, New International, New King James, English Standard, and probably one or two more. It doesn’t matter which Bible I pick up, which version it is, when I read it…it always says the same thing.

It doesn’t change.

Last night I spent a couple of hours with two different Bibles in my hands. What I read last night will be the same when I pick those Bibles today. The words won’t have changed, the message won’t have been altered. The letters on the page will all be in the same order, they won’t be all mixed up and turned around to say something different or nothing at all.

Where it said…Enter by the narrow gate…it will still say enter by the narrow gate. It won’t have changed to 'come through the wooden door' or 'walk over the downed fence'. Nor will it have turned into…

Gate narrow the by enter.

Retne yb eht worran etag.

Both of the sentences above say exactly what the original did…enter by the narrow gate…but I wrote the first one in reverse and spelled all the words backward in the second. Something so small makes big changes. It confuses things. It mixes them up. It takes something that was easy to read and makes it hard or impossible to read.

And it confuses the message being delivered.

If every time I set my Bible down the words I was reading changed and mixed up I would be a lot less inclined to read it again tomorrow or next week. If I was reading about Paul’s experience on the road to Damascus and laid the Bible down just when Paul hears Jesus if when I pick my Bible up next time to take up where I left off if I start reading and I find myself in the middle of Abrahams life I may not be real inclined to read my Bible.

Or maybe I was reading about Moses and the Israelites fleeing Egypt and I got to the parting of the Red Sea and had to put it down. When I go back expecting to pick up where I left off instead of Mosses I find an article on how to grow poison ivy I’m not real likely to keep reading. But worse than my disinterest would be my shock and confusion. What happened to the Scripture that was supposed to be in my Bible? Where did it go? And more importantly...what’s wrong with my Bible?

I think I’d be less surprised if I opened the Bible and saw…

Sldfln weourelnr jwoeitufsldhf  woutflskdn sdlkguorftgn  ejrtoir tgheort tyhre   threos th  th I ther theoi theiowa hjtoaiujn. Wortu, woetur, thweoinl, wsleirunseyr sheroein driue, sehrtoeindf ,trbn ahfeirn siernhlo.

At least if I saw nothing but a jumble of words I would assume the problem was with my eyesight or brain but if the Scripture was all mixed up or if it changed from Scripture to gardening articles I would be left in complete confusion.

Here I am holding the Word of God in my hands, expecting to read the history of God’s people or instructions for how I’m supposed to live my life and instead I read about growing poison ivy then something is seriously wrong.

The Bible never changes. It’s always the same. The words on the page don’t get mixed up or say something one day then say something else the next day. And yet…that’s exactly what some say it does.

I grew up in and out of Baptist ‘Church’ buildings. I learned about God at my mother and grandmother’s knees. The Bible was something I’ve been exposed to all my life. Unfortunately I’ve also been exposed to the belief that everyone that reads the Bible gets something different from it. Not only that but I was taught that if you read the same verse 100 times you can get 100 different things from it. What you see in it this time you may never see again.

I now know that this is only slightly true. It is true that there are some things that may seem more relevant today than tomorrow. I may get more meaning out of one thing than another today.

But…Scripture isn’t changing. What’s being said isn’t changing. What’s written on the pages of my Bible isn’t changing.

God isn’t changing.

My mind is simply applying more significance to one thing than to another. Even when I do that though I still see the same thing in Scripture every single time I read the verse. It’s there, written in black and white, the same way every time I open the Bible to that particular verse. It doesn’t change.

Yet there are many that are doing just that. They are changing what the Bible says. Whether they know they’re doing it or not they are changing it, changing what the Lord has written down for us, to suit themselves. Someone I know says that God is love. That’s it. That’s His sole description. This person sums up all of what God…what Christ…is in those three words ‘God is love.’

To come to that conclusion they had to completely change or ignore the many verses on God’s wrath and vengeance that are in Scripture.

I once heard about a man on an airplane that was talking to the person next to him. When the plane landed as they were finishing their conversation this person told the man that they believed God is whatever each person wants…’and I believe God’s a very nice woman.’

 I don’t remember where I heard that its possible it may have been in a story or a joke. I can’t say for sure if this was a real encounter between real people or not but it has stuck with me all these years. And honestly it doesn’t make any difference if it was a joke or real because it’s truth either way. It’s truth in the simple fact that so many people do see God that way. Whether they come right out and say it or not. Whether they think God is a man or a woman, Spirit or human, they have in their heads an idea of what God is and most of the time it isn’t the God of the Bible.

In the same way when…if…they read the Bible they take from it the things that support the idea of who and what God is to them. They have an image in their minds of what God is like and therefore they see only what they want to see.

If God is love then He can’t be angry, vengeful, or full of wrath so what happens to the verses that says He is? They ignore them, skim over them, or just plain can’t see them. They can’t handle the thought of God being wrathful so they attribute the Old Testament to being irrelevant to today. It doesn’t matter. It’s just stories, just history. It shows what life was like before Jesus but God isn’t that way anymore. Jesus changed everything. God is no longer like that toward people.

Those are real statements…real beliefs that I was taught while growing up. Most likely my grandmother, who was a preacher’s daughter, was the one that said them. I grew up with the idea that the Old Testament was there for our entertainment and to show us what God used to be like. Wrath included. It’s past tense. It doesn’t matter.

God as love is only one example of what people do to support the image of God they have in their minds. The idea that God is love and only love seems to be a big part of the belief that most if not all professing ‘Christians’ have today. And most preachers support that belief. Fire and brimstone sermons have become a thing of the past. Sermons that make people squirm in their seats because of the truth’s they deliver are rare.

Just as rare as the Christians that want to hear those hard Truths.

If a person doesn't like the idea of hell being real...it isn't. It's only symbolic. They remove hell from the life of a 'Christian' because they don't want it to be a real place. They change or twist Scripture to get it to say what they want it to say. They explain away the verses that say hell is real.

But those aren't the only false beliefs held today. They aren’t the only lies that are masquerading as Christianity today. There are so many different beliefs. Whatever a person believes, whatever they want God to be, that is what He is for them. And for some…God is a woman despite the fact that Scripture clearly states otherwise. For others they don’t believe in creation. They disregard the book of Genesis.

To disregard Genesis is to remove the beginning of all things. It takes away God as the creator. And when you do that you take away the entire basis of Christianity. If God didn't create the world, if He didn't create man then you remove from Christianity the power of God, the right of God to do with His creation what He sees fit.

In today’s society of anything goes those beliefs have carried over onto God and Christ. When man is who and what defines what is right then man changes God to be the way he wants Him to be.

I remember as a child my mother and grandmother wouldn’t go to a ‘church’ building if they didn’t have a dress…something they rarely owned…because women were to wear dresses in ‘church.’ That was a belief held at that time, where we lived, in the ‘church’ buildings my mother and grandmother attended. Women wore dresses. It was that simple. It was expected. At best they were looked down on if they didn’t, at worst they weren’t welcome in the building. Somewhere along the way that changed in most ‘church’ buildings. Most likely because the leaders discovered that expecting women to be in dresses during services was keeping people out of those services so they relaxed their standards. Now we have come as you are services where any form of dress is okay. That includes immodest clothes that shouldn’t be allowed.

But anything goes…in beliefs…in services…in dress. And no one will say different because  to do so would be to risk losing someone from the congregation or it may 'turn them away from God'. And so…the standards are relaxed. They are no longer defined by God, no longer defined by what the Bible says, now standards are defined by what man wants and what man says.

And man gets what man wants because he has so changed what the Bible says that the disciples would not recognize ‘Christianity’ today. That is because today anything that includes God or Jesus in the belief is labeled as Christian. Men that gave their very lives for Christ would not recognize most of ‘Christianity’ today because there are so many definitions of what Christianity is.

When in fact, there isn’t. Most of the beliefs masquerading as Christianity are misunderstandings at best and outright lies at worst. And yet they are labeled as ‘Christian’ because it’s what the people want. To call them lies, false teachings or anything else would be to make the people that hold to that particular belief unhappy.

I know someone that says they are pagan. This person has told me that their belief allows them to believe in anything they want. They can, and do, essentially write their own belief system. They make it up. They choose what they want to believe in and what they don't want to believe in. There are no standards, no absolutes, no this is the way pagans believe. It's up to them. It's anything goes.

So much of Christianity today is that very same way. Christianity should be defined by the standards set forth in Scripture, the real standards, as they are in black and white. Here it is. This is what we believe. This is what the Bible teaches. You either believe this way or you aren't a Christian. That's how it should be...but that isn't how it is. Instead Christianity is a broad term that covers so many different beliefs and a 'Christian' may choose what they believe. They may have to switch 'church' buildings if they change the way they believe. But somewhere out there is a 'church' that shares, or will accept, whatever they believe. And that church will label them as 'Christian.' That 'church' will assure them that they are still going to heaven. That 'church' will support them in their belief and will tell them that what they believe is okay in God's eyes.

And they'll change what the Bible says to reflect those beliefs.

Some of those changes will come only in the things said and taught. But others go to the extreme of actually changing the Bible to suit their beliefs. I understand now that you can get a 'Bible' that is gender neutral. Because people don't like the distinctions the Lord placed on men and women they have actually changed the Bible so that it reads in a way that takes those distinctions away.

To me it sounds a whole lot like 'Christianity' is following in the same beliefs as the pagan belief. To be a pagan...at least the way the type that the person I know is...means believing in anything you want, setting your own beliefs, making your own standards. This person has told me numerous times that they should write up a book with what they believe in it so if they ever needed it  to gain religious exemptions they would have it.

Modern 'Christianity' has done the same thing. Right down to rewriting the Bible to be what they want it to be.

It would be the equivalent of buying a book at the bookstore, not liking the way it reads, and rewriting it so it becomes the story you want it to be.

Do you see anything wrong with that?

It's exactly the same kind of wrong that happens in 'Christianity' today. Whether a person truly rewrites the Bible or simply changes the verses in their minds to fit what they believe, they are making a new 'Christianity.' One that suits the beliefs, desires, and ideas of the person. It is not Christianity. It is not about Christ. It is about man. 

And they keep doing it. Keep getting away with it because anything goes. Even when true Christians speak out against what they're doing it isn't enough to stop them...and it never will be because Scripture warns us that it will happen. We can't stop it even if we tried. 

And so it keeps happening, 'Christianity' keeps getting changed and redefined. Scripture keeps getting changed and mixed up to suit the ideas of men that do not, or can not, believe the Truth. 

 

Far from the Lord

 

There have been times in my life when I felt far from the Lord. Some of those times I knew where the distance came from. I knew it lay with me. That I had, for one reason or another, pulled away from Him. Most of those times came early in my walk with Christ, when I may not have been born again yet. But they were there.

I can well remember praying and telling the Lord I felt so far from Him. In those years before I was born again I was far from Him. No matter how much I might have prayed today there was always something waiting to pull me away from Him tomorrow. There was always something there waiting to be an idol that took my attention from Him.

I tried, time and again, to stay close to the Lord back then but failure always loomed. No matter what I wanted, no matter what was happening in my life, sooner or later something pulled me away from the Lord. And I let it. Usually without even noticing it was happening.

I knew little of the Lord back then, knew little of God. Not the real God anyway. All I knew was the Jesus loves you version of God taught in so many ‘churches’.

I was separated from God by my own sins. Even though I couldn’t see that they were sins. I was living my life, eventually trying to please Him, and sinning all the way. Back then I had no idea what the true nature of sin was or that I was committing it every day. That sure as I breathed…I sinned.

I saw the sinful lives of others, could tell when people were sinning if they commited any of the big sins…murder, adultery and the like…but I couldn’t see my own sins for what they were.

As a result…I was far from the Lord.

It wasn’t my time back then. He hadn’t drawn me to him. But looking back I can so clearly see what I couldn’t see then. To start with all the things that took hold of my thoughts and consumed them…were idols. Back then I didn’t know that. I thought and idol was a physical thing. I had no idea the true scope of what an idol was, or what having them did to my life.

Back then I went to God in prayer when I was in trouble, when life was more than I could bear, when I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t confess my sins to Him…at least not very often…I didn’t search my own heart and mind…I didn’t go to Him with the little things in my life…didn’t want Him in the day to day happenings.

Oh…I would have said I did. Would have said I wanted him to be a part of all of my life, but I really didn’t want Him there. I didn’t know it at the time though. I didn’t know that I only wanted Him in the corner of my life that I designated for Him. The space where I allowed Him to be.

I would have claimed I wanted Him in all parts of my life but when it came down to it…if I had known what having Him in all of my life would look like…I wouldn’t have wanted Him there.

But he’s there now. Without my asking Him to be. Without me inviting Him into all those places in my life…He stepped in and took over.

While I was busy living my sinful life He was busy pulling me from it.

Now I know the difference. I’ve seen what life with Christ is like. I’ve experienced what it feels like to have Christ in the middle of everything I do. I know what it’s like to feel him in my being. I know what it’s like to know that he’s with me when life becomes too much to bear, to know that he’s there when things get hard. But I also know what it’s like to have him there through every little thing in my life. To have him there when I wake up in the morning. To have him there when I sit and do nothing. To have Him with me in all things, through all I do.

And I wouldn’t go back if I could.

Because I was far from the Lord. Because life in that place might have seemed fun, it might have felt nice and cozy and warm and comfortable. But it wasn’t. It was hard, and it was cold, and it was uncomfortable.

Because He set me free. Because He saved me. Because He pulled me so close to Him that I’m no longer me without Him.

What if God...

I’ve had in mind to write a post for a while. One that has been nagging at me, picking at me, never fully forming but never letting me go either. Maybe it’s the Lord’s way of telling me He wants me to write this, or maybe it’s my Spirit…afraid that I will write it in the flesh and not in the Spirit.

You see, for me, this is a difficult post. I struggle with the very idea of writing it. I struggle with the topic, with the concept. I struggle because…

I don’t know why.

But I have struggled with it. And yet the idea won’t leave me alone.

My husband is far ahead of me in his journey with Christ. He sees Scripture and life in a way that I don’t yet. And that’s okay. It’s how it should be. I wouldn’t want to be ahead of him. I want him to guide me.

But I know too, that I am ahead of some. Ahead of many if you take into consideration those that are unregenerate. Normally, when I write a blog post it just comes to me…easy and natural. Without any effort on my part. This isn’t one of those posts. It isn’t coming easy, I’m not sure I have it in me to write this, and yet the idea just won’t leave me alone.

And so I’m going to write it.

Please bear with me if it’s choppy or otherwise wrong. I’m writing it because I can’t not write it…not because I want to.

A few days ago I wrote a post that I titled vessels. In it I hinted at this post…a post I had not yet written but a post I knew would come one day soon. Here is what I put in that post…

That brings me to a topic I want to cover in another post but will briefly touch on here. The Lord has planned our paths since before the beginning of time. I once said I wished the Lord would just reach down and put me where He wanted me. When I got off the path He'd reach down and move me back. Like a pawn in a game board. When I said that my mother told me to be careful what I was saying because living like that would be a bad thing. But for me it wouldn't be. I said that before I fully understood the Truths of Scripture. Now I know I'm nothing but a pawn in the Lord's game. He does put me where he wants me. And since He does, since the plan for my life was long ago mapped out...what and who had to be in place at certain points in my life to get me to where the Lord wanted me so that He could save me when He did. The people, good and bad, that were in my life...the experiences, good and bad...all added up to making sure I was who and what the Lord wanted me to be at the moment that He moved me into the next place. To get me to the point that He could save me...how many people crossed my path and effected who I was? How many people helped test and strengthen my faith? How many people helped break my spirit? How many vessels of destruction might the Lord have had to use to get me to be the person He wanted me to be?

 

There is something in Scripture that I still struggle with. Something I can’t fully understand. I’ve thought on it, prayed on it, discussed it with my husband. And yet…I still don’t fully understand. There are verses that imply that we are puppets on the Lord’s string, that we are pawns in His game. Arminians firmly believe that we have free will. The freedom to choose whether to believe in Christ or not. This belief in free will goes far beyond the freedom to choose Christ. It is a deep held belief that we have the freedom to choose anything.

But do we?

If the Lord is sovereign, if He has a plan for us…Do we have the freedom to choose anything? That is where I struggle. My husband tells me that we can choose some things and that the Lord will use it all to His glory. He will use our choices to bring about His plan. That when we step away from Him the Lord will draw us back.

Okay. I can understand that. But then I get to that point where I wonder just what I was allowed to choose and what was just a part of ‘The Plan’ as my daughter put it.

My husband often refers to my writing as an example. He tells me that the people I write about have no say in how the story goes. That because I am the author, I’m the one writing, everything is my choice. It’s my plan. It’s my story. And the people are in my story to serve a purpose.

I can understand that too. But I know…as a writer…that those people never have a say in what I write.

But…that is an issue that makes no difference except in how we as people, as believers see things. It doesn’t change the way they are.

But I like being a puppet on the Lord’s string. I like knowing that He will keep me on the path He has planned for me. It makes my mess-ups easier to bear. Makes life easier to bear because I know all I have to do is trust in the Lord and He will keep me where He wants me.

But what did it take to get me to the point of regeneration?

I don’t even know when I was regenerated, born again, saved…whatever term you want to place on it…I don’t know when I took that step on this journey.

I know two people that are regenerated. Out of the hundreds, thousands, of people I know…there are only two that I know are regenerated. Out of all the people I’ve ever known…there are two that I know were regenerated. There may have been more over the years and I just didn’t know. But I know of only two in my life.

If I throw myself into the mix…that brings me to three people that I know have been truly born again. I pray that I’m wrong…that I’ve miscounted, but if there are more than the fruit has not shown the spirit.

The more I’ve gotten to know these two people that are regenerated the more I’ve seen something that has made me question. You see…here’s where ‘The Plan’ comes in, where being puppets on a string comes in. The Lord, long before time began, knew who would live and who they would be. For some reason He chose some of those people to be His, a people set apart for Him. I’ve asked myself many times what did He see in me that made Him chose me over someone else? I know it was nothing I did.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹ not a result of works, so that no one may boast. ¹⁰ For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:8-10

I did nothing to gain His favor. I did nothing to earn salvation.

 I did nothing.

But for some reason He chose me. Out of all of time, out of the millions of people he could have picked…he chose me.

But…he didn’t just pick my name out of the many then forget about me. For we are his workmanship…which God prepared beforehand… I am His workmanship. He prepared me beforehand.

He prepared me.

That is what has been nagging at me, tugging at me, making me think, making me wonder. He prepared me.

He

Prepared

…Me.

How? In what way did He prepare me? What did He put in place in my life so that I could get to where He wanted me?

What did He put in the lives of the other two people I know that are regenerated so that He could save them? Save us?

If I walked into a group of people looking to find three people in the crowd that could do something for or with me I’d have an idea of what I was looking for.

Am I looking for people to help make a quilt? I’d want people that not only knew how to sew well but that knew how to piece material together, sandwich layers together, and turn it all into a quilt.

Am I moving? I’d want men that were strong enough to help carry the heavy stuff.

I may chose certain people out of a crowd and I may do it based on what appears to be who they are right now but I would need certain things to have gotten them to where I needed them today. Those quilters would have had to be taught how to sew, how to quilt, long before I walked into that crowd. The men I’d need to help me move would need the physical strength to lift on things like refrigerators and washing machines. They would need to have at least some background of physical work to get them that kind of strength. I wouldn’t be picking little girls or young boys for a job of moving heavy objects.

What, then, did the Lord put in the lives of the regenerate long before we were saved? What did He put in our lives that ensured we got to the place where He could save us?

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.  And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:15-26

I never fail to get caught up on ‘I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God’. Those that do such things WILL NOT inherit the kingdom of God.  As I look down that list of things we are warned against, things we are told we cannot inherit the kingdom of God if we do, I see things I have done in my life. And yet…He saved me. Then I look at the list of the fruits of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control;

Love. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

Every one of those fruits are difficult to come by. They aren’t things that come naturally to man as a whole. Very few people can say they’ve always been gentle or that they’ve never struggled with self-control. They aren’t just in us. We may be blessed to come by a couple of those traits naturally but somewhere along the way, even those that are naturally patient or naturally peaceful…at some time they will struggle with something on that list.

And Scripture tells us that we aren’t naturally good. We come into this world filled with sin. And we struggle with it all of our days.

What then takes us from a sinful nature that seeks after the things we are told will keep us from inheriting the kingdom of God to having the fruits of the Spirit? What must the Lord put into place in our lives that make us into what He needs us to be when He saves us?

What?

Or who?

Of the three people I know that are regenerate, counting myself, not one of us came through childhood unscathed. We all experienced abuse. We all experienced the sort of things most parents try and protect their children from. I know there are many people with backgrounds such as ours, many children that experience abuse. Many children that learn to be adults long before they’re grown.

And most of them aren’t regenerate. Most of them are just as lost as everyone else. So…it wasn’t that. Except…was it? Did experiencing abuse as a child break us enough so that we would have a broken spirit later in life, so the Lord could save us when the time came?

Did being put in positions where we had to take care of ourselves, or others, long before we were old enough to be looking out for ourselves mature us so that we would have the maturity to give up the things of the world and seek after Christ?

It’s well understood that children that are given everything they want in childhood grow up to be selfish adults. It’s understood that children that live without discipline become brats.

I have a friend who very recently shared a philosophy of hers on raising children. In it she said that habits formed in childhood create the habits and personality of the person in adulthood. I doubt there’s anyone out there that would dispute that belief. What we are as children is usually what we become as adults. Usually…but not always.

I know someone that was very self-centered as a child. This person was violent and didn’t care if they hurt others. They aren’t that way as an adult. This person now cares about others. This person is helpful and considerate of others.

But even with the changes that took place in that persons personality their childhood still impacted who they are today. As parents we try to guide and mold our children into what we want them to become.

My daughter has a friend whose parents are both professionals. These parents have raised this girl to understand that college isn’t an option. The girl has said that very thing to my daughter. That she must go to college. In her family that is just the way it is. College is expected. A profession is expected. These parents have raised their children so that they believe they must go to college.

I don’t share those beliefs. Neither does my husband. Out of seven children, three of which are grown, one that soon will be, we have none seeking college. None that are after a profession. We simply have not ingrained into our children the belief that college is important.

We didn’t put the idea of college and a profession into our children’s lives when they were young and they aren’t seeking it now.

What did the Lord put in our paths in childhood that prepared us for the life He wanted us to live? What did He keep out of our paths that protected us from seeking things that would have taken us away from Him?

Romans 9:22-23 says…

What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, ²³ in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory—

As I look back over my life I can see many people that affected my life. Many people that affected the choices I made. Because I knew that person, or because I saw that person’s life and the turns it took, I made choices that kept me off a certain path. There were people in my life that shaped my personality, experiences I had that affected my very nature…my spirit…my soul.

What if God…put those people there to make me who I am?

What if God…made me go through those experiences so that I could become who and what He wanted me to be?

What if God…planned it all ahead of time?

What if…I’m only a puppet on His string? Living the life He’s placed me in, experiencing the things He wants me to experience.

What if…

Only I don’t need the what if because I firmly believe the Lord did have a plan for my life, he did have everything mapped out, knowing ahead of time what He wanted me to be, and making everything work out so that I would become the person He wanted in the time He wanted me to be that person.

But I didn’t always see it that way. And even now…I marvel at the idea that those things I saw as so bad in childhood may well have been the very things that shaped me into who I became so that the Lord could save me.

If i could write a letter...

I wish I could write a letter to everyone I love. A letter that would show them my heart in a way that they could understand. A letter that would hand them every thought and feeling I have for them.

Years ago I wrote a family newsletter for our family…not my immediate family but for everyone in my grandmothers family…her brothers and sisters…their children and grandchildren…everyone. At that time I still watched secular movies. I watched a movie where someone had written a letter to their family members before they died. Each person got a letter. In it the person writing it told the person it was written to how much they meant to them, and why they made the choices in life that they had.

At that time that really resonated with me, enough so that I wrote an article in the family newsletter encouraging everyone to do just that. My thoughts at that time were on my elderly grandmother and how much she meant to me, how much I would love to have a letter from her after she died. My hopes in writing that article were that she would take what I was saying to heart and that she would write a letter to her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

I don’t know if she did. I’ve never heard a word about it from her. And although I can still say I’d like to get a letter like that from her-or any of my loved ones-upon the death of anyone I loved. A kind of final goodbye. There are some now that I would much rather have a letter from than others. And there are some that I could guess what they would say if they were to write me a letter.

My husband would encourage me to keep my eyes on Christ…to not be sad for him because he if he is gone from this world then he is in the presence of Christ…right where he wants to be. My grandmother…might remind me of the times we shared together…might remind me of the pain she knew in this body and how her time had come and she is happy to be reunited with her mother in heaven (that, by the way, is what she says about looking forward to death…it isn’t my belief or reasoning).

And yes, I’d still like to have a letter like that from my loved ones when their time comes…assuming it’s before mine. For that reason…I have written letters to my children over the years and sealed them in envelopes so they will have them…someday. I may give them some of them one of these days and I may not but I have written them. They are there.

But that isn’t the kind of letter I wish I could write right now. And although I know there’s nothing holding me back…I know there’s plenty holding me back. There are things we simply can’t say in life to those we love. But if I could write anything to those I love….and I kind of can write anything on this blog because very few people know who the author really is. That was done because I wanted the focus on Christ not on me, but it’s given me a slight buffer too. In writing what I want to because I know that most people don’t know that I’m the author of these posts.

If I could write a letter…

I’d write one letter to everyone. I’d explain who and what I am. I’d open my heart and invite them in. If I could write a letter it might go something like this…

 

Hello my dearest one,

If you knocked on my front door I would open it and ask you inside. I would offer you a place to sit down or better yet I’d offer you the spot on the couch next to me, snuggle next to you and tell you I’d like to share a story with you. Because you didn’t knock…I can’t invite you to sit with me. So I’m going to do a little better. I’m going to open the door of my heart to you…won’t you step inside? I’m going to tell you a story…won’t you stay and listen?

You, my dear one, are so very special to me. Do you know that? Do you know what you mean to me? Have I told you today how much I love you? Or how important you’ve been in my life?

I haven’t?

Then please, let me beg your forgiveness. Because you mean so much to me. I love you so very much.

Do you know now? Not yet? Then let me go a little farther. The Lord planted me on earth for reasons I can’t know. He gave me a place here and brought people into my life. Some of them stayed only a short while, others a lifetime. The Lord gave every one of those people a role in my life…you were here to touch me in some way…and He gave me a role in your life. We may or may not ever know how deeply we have touched each others lives but He knows.

I’d like to tell you a story…it is the story of me. My life has taken many twists and turns. I’ve been told more than once that I should write my life story because it has taken so many routes that many would love to read it. I’m not of a mind to write my life story. But I am of a mind to share a bit with you.

It doesn’t matter where I grew up or who my friends were. It doesn’t matter the mistakes I made along the way. What does matter is my walk with Christ and my relationship with you.

Since you already know your place in my life, let me start with Christ. If you’ve been around me very long you know that my walk with Christ has taken many steps, traveled paths that wound around until He firmly planted me on the path he wanted me on.

Christ saved me when I couldn’t save myself. He forgave my sins, overlooked my sinful nature and gave me a new heart…one with a desire for Him.

And that may be where I just lost you. That wasn’t my intention but it may be where I lost you before too. You see, I understand…if you don’t see Scripture as I do then I will lose you at this point each time. For that I’m sorry…and I hurt. I wish I could simply explain my walk with Christ to you and you see it all as I do. I wish I could help you so that you could understand. And I’d give anything if I could give you salvation but that’s the Lord’s place and not mine.

But…you say I’ve changed. That I’m different, I’m not the person you used to know. You’re right. I’m not. I’m sorry for that. Sorry that I changed on you. Sorry that I confused you. I wish I could have stayed what you knew and loved. For your sake. But I couldn’t. The Lord took my life down paths that changed me into what I am now. He changed me in so many ways.

Some of those changes have confused me. Some of them have left my head reeling and my feet struggling to gain firm ground. I can’t help the changes in me or the way I see things now. It all just sort of happened.

If it confuses you…don’t you think it confused me?

Those changes happened to me. Everything important in my life changed on me. And I was forced to change along with them.

I know you don’t approve of some of the choices I’ve made. I know you don’t like some of the changes in my life. I’m sorry. It was never my intention to hurt or confuse you. For that I will be forever sorry.

Please know that I love you. You matter to me and I will never intentionally hurt or confuse you.

If you stayed with me through my explanation on my faith and my walk with Christ…may I explain about the other changes? Were you the one that told me recently how much I’ve changed and that you don’t understand the choices I’ve made in life? If so…may I explain?

You see it doesn’t take much in life to change us. Moving to a new house changes us, facing an illness changes us, having a child with special needs changes us. Often those changes happen without our quite knowing how they happen or even that they are happening. It’s only with hindsight that we can look back and see what we used to be and are able to see what we’ve become.

I am in that place.

Christ changed me into what He wanted me to be but...He left me here going through experiences that are still changing me. The person I worked so hard to become over the years…isn’t Christ-like. The person circumstances turned me into isn’t Christ-like. And I want to be Christ-like. But more than that the Lord isn’t giving me any choice. He’s changing me…little by little…piece by piece. He just keeps molding and changing me through big things and little things in my life. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to change He just keeps changing me, keeps sending me through situations that change me.

If you don’t approve of the changes in me…know that I’m not making the changes. I’m going through them and coming out as the Lord wants me. If you don’t approve of the choices I’m making…know that I’m me and I’m making those choices based on what I feel is best for me and my family. And that they were all prayerfully made.

And above all else please know that I love you.

Thank you for taking the time to sit and listen to me. If this letter does nothing else I pray that it ensures you see Christ in me and that you know how important you are to me.

I love you