Far from the Lord

 

There have been times in my life when I felt far from the Lord. Some of those times I knew where the distance came from. I knew it lay with me. That I had, for one reason or another, pulled away from Him. Most of those times came early in my walk with Christ, when I may not have been born again yet. But they were there.

I can well remember praying and telling the Lord I felt so far from Him. In those years before I was born again I was far from Him. No matter how much I might have prayed today there was always something waiting to pull me away from Him tomorrow. There was always something there waiting to be an idol that took my attention from Him.

I tried, time and again, to stay close to the Lord back then but failure always loomed. No matter what I wanted, no matter what was happening in my life, sooner or later something pulled me away from the Lord. And I let it. Usually without even noticing it was happening.

I knew little of the Lord back then, knew little of God. Not the real God anyway. All I knew was the Jesus loves you version of God taught in so many ‘churches’.

I was separated from God by my own sins. Even though I couldn’t see that they were sins. I was living my life, eventually trying to please Him, and sinning all the way. Back then I had no idea what the true nature of sin was or that I was committing it every day. That sure as I breathed…I sinned.

I saw the sinful lives of others, could tell when people were sinning if they commited any of the big sins…murder, adultery and the like…but I couldn’t see my own sins for what they were.

As a result…I was far from the Lord.

It wasn’t my time back then. He hadn’t drawn me to him. But looking back I can so clearly see what I couldn’t see then. To start with all the things that took hold of my thoughts and consumed them…were idols. Back then I didn’t know that. I thought and idol was a physical thing. I had no idea the true scope of what an idol was, or what having them did to my life.

Back then I went to God in prayer when I was in trouble, when life was more than I could bear, when I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t confess my sins to Him…at least not very often…I didn’t search my own heart and mind…I didn’t go to Him with the little things in my life…didn’t want Him in the day to day happenings.

Oh…I would have said I did. Would have said I wanted him to be a part of all of my life, but I really didn’t want Him there. I didn’t know it at the time though. I didn’t know that I only wanted Him in the corner of my life that I designated for Him. The space where I allowed Him to be.

I would have claimed I wanted Him in all parts of my life but when it came down to it…if I had known what having Him in all of my life would look like…I wouldn’t have wanted Him there.

But he’s there now. Without my asking Him to be. Without me inviting Him into all those places in my life…He stepped in and took over.

While I was busy living my sinful life He was busy pulling me from it.

Now I know the difference. I’ve seen what life with Christ is like. I’ve experienced what it feels like to have Christ in the middle of everything I do. I know what it’s like to feel him in my being. I know what it’s like to know that he’s with me when life becomes too much to bear, to know that he’s there when things get hard. But I also know what it’s like to have him there through every little thing in my life. To have him there when I wake up in the morning. To have him there when I sit and do nothing. To have Him with me in all things, through all I do.

And I wouldn’t go back if I could.

Because I was far from the Lord. Because life in that place might have seemed fun, it might have felt nice and cozy and warm and comfortable. But it wasn’t. It was hard, and it was cold, and it was uncomfortable.

Because He set me free. Because He saved me. Because He pulled me so close to Him that I’m no longer me without Him.