Even

I recently wrote a post titled gone. It was on the subject of abortion, a subject that has horrified me since the moment I first learned of it. Even as a child I couldn’t fathom the idea of anyone killing their baby. I still can’t. I’ve heard their reasoning, heard their excuses, heard the terms and explanations but nothing said or explained can ever justify the killing of innocent babies that have yet to even take a breath.

After the loss of our baby a few months ago my husband and I talked of that very thing. While we were grieving for our baby, mothers were killing theirs. While we were hurting over the loss of a baby we very much wanted, mothers were destroying babies. My husband said something to the effect of how what appears to be trash to one person is a treasure to another. I wish I could remember exactly how he worded it but I can’t. What I do remember is the feelings in both of us as we thought on that. In my pain, just days after losing our baby, I would have gladly embraced and loved one or many of those babies whose mothers didn’t want them.

Today, as I once again carry a precious baby within me, I think of that. I think of how my husband said what is trash to one person is a treasure to another. When I took a test to confirm this pregnancy I was thrilled to see that positive line, thrilled to know I carried our child within me, thrilled to know that we had been blessed, once again, to bring a child into this world. Even as fear for the life of this child filled my mind and heart…I was thrilled. Even as I prayed to be allowed to keep this one…I was thrilled. Even as I knew there is a chance I may only be allowed to keep this baby a short while…I was thrilled. Even as I knew that I may wind up experiencing deep pain…I was thrilled.

I was thrilled.

I am thrilled.

And as I think of this precious baby growing within me, I also think of the many precious babies that are seen as something to be gotten rid of. Even as I experience the joy of carrying my child, I think of those whose mothers will choose to kill them.

Yesterday marked the three month mark since we lost our precious baby. I knew of the existence of the baby now growing within me before we reached that three month mark. Even as I thought of how that baby would be growing and developing inside me had it lived…this baby had begun to grow. Even as I thought of how I would be feeling that baby move inside me…this baby was taking hold, beginning to form. Even as I thought of how I would be showing by now...this baby was barely beginning to grow.

I haven’t forgotten that baby. It lives in my heart even as I go on with life. And I’m reminded as that life unfolds with me in the midst of it that the Lord has a plan for my life that is beyond my control.

There’s nothing that makes that more obvious than to remember the baby I wanted so much, the baby my heart still wants, and to think of the baby that now lives within me, the baby I want so much, the baby I love. When I think of those two babies, both wanted so much, both loved, I’m forced to admit that I never could have had both of them. For this baby I now carry to live, my womb had to be empty when it needed it. For this baby to live, I had to lose that one.

The Lord knew that even as I anticipated the life of the baby I so recently carried and lost. He knew that He would be taking it away and would soon give me another baby. He knew…and He had a plan. Even as I made plans for the baby I carried within me…He knew I would soon lose it. Even as I made plans for one baby…He knew it would fulfill its purpose long before I could hold it in my arms.

Today as I treasure the life that grows within me…the Lord has a plan for both me and my baby. He has a plan for my husband. He has a plan for our children. He has a plan for everyone that this baby will touch.

I don’t understand what plan the baby I so recently lost fulfilled but I know it did. And I know that this baby has a plan to fulfill even as I treasure its existence. Even as I hold tight to the knowledge that this precious life grows within me I know that the Lord has a plan for both of us.

Whether I’m given days or decades with this baby my Lord’s plan will be fulfilled in both our lives.

And I’m blessed to have even a second to love this precious baby.