I am his reflection

This morning as I was eating breakfast I read something that had caught my attention last night. It was a brief writing about how husbands and wives are a reflection of each other. As I started reading it I thought it was going to say that we reflect our spouse to others by our actions and mannerisms. But that wasn’t where it went. Instead this woman had written about how our thoughts of our spouse can either let us see them in a good way or a bad way.

I have seen this myself in relationships that I have had with extended family members. I grew up with the saying ‘there’s good in everybody’ but I don’t really remember anyone in my family ever looking for it.

Every family has those family members that just don’t quite fit with the family. They’re the ones that are, and probably always have been, out of step with the general actions of the rest of the family. Maybe they’re the lawbreakers, maybe they’re the one that seeks power and money through a career when no one else finished high school, maybe they’re the only Christian in the family. Whatever they are, they are the one that doesn’t fit when family gets together.

When I was growing up my family had a few of these ‘black sheep’. They were always welcome at any family function but when they weren’t around it was their misdeeds, or what everyone saw as their misdeeds, that were talked about, focused on.

Because their actions were seen as a reflection on the family. If they acted in a way that wasn’t acceptable to the majority of the family, it was wrong, and something to be talked about and picked apart.

It was also gossip. But that’s a whole different subject.

There was something that went deeper than that though. It was something that set at the heart of those that sat around the table or out in the yard and discussed all the wrong doings of a certain person.

I’m very much guilty of doing that very thing myself. A few days ago I wrote a post titled ‘What was it like for Noah’. In that post I talked about how children learn what they’re taught, what they grow up with. I grew up with examples that showed me that it was okay to sit and discuss all the misdeeds of others, whether it was a family member, a neighbor, or a stranger, it didn’t matter. Anyone was fair game.

Unfortunately I didn’t see the error of doing that until I was grown and began to understand what gossip was. At that point I began the very difficult process of attempting to break that habit. It was successful to some degree but would take years before I fully saw the rest of the picture. And then I struggled again, still struggle sometimes, to break a habit I wish I’d never been taught.

You see, it wasn’t only the sitting around and talking about others that I picked up. I also learned the habit of thinking bad about others, of looking only for the bad in them. I have a sister that somehow escaped learning that habit. Her personality was such that she sees only the good in people even when they may be a very evil person. She simply can’t see the bad in them. There have been many times in my life when I wished I could have gotten just a little bit of her ability to see the good in others.

I well remember how much a relationship I had with a family member changed when I got to a point that I could no longer see any good in that person. I will admit that at that time this person was acting in a way that made it difficult to find the good in them but that was no excuse for the fact that I stopped looking for it.

As a result my relationship with that person changed to the point that neither one of us enjoyed being around the other. Somehow this person picked up on my feelings and began to feel as if I didn’t love them anymore. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. What I was, was disappointed in them and in me. Dissatisfied with the position this person had put me into. And in my disappointment, dissatisfaction, and hurt I began to look at only the bad and didn’t bother to look for the good. And because I did, I began to see only bad. When that happened my feelings for that person changed.

From there it was a steady downhill spiral for both of us. This person had stopped trying to present their best side and I had stopped looking for it. It’s hard to respect someone when you can’t see any good in them. Love gets buried under layers of resentment and hurt. Anger shows up more often than kindness. They stop trying to make you happy and you stop trying to find joy in just being with them. And down you both go until you’re drowning in so many hurtful, angry feelings that salvaging the relationship becomes very difficult.

I well remember that time. And I remember how hard it was to get beyond it, how hard it was to gain back any of the ground we lost. Today, my relationship with that person isn’t the same. It took several factors for us to salvage anything and it took both of us doing something. I don’t know if that person did anything to try and fix our relationship or if they just started doing other things for themselves and their actions began to change the things I saw. It really doesn’t matter how it happened. I’m just grateful that it did.

They changed their actions and as a result I started to see good things in them again. The more good things I saw, the easier it was to look for those good things. And the more of them I looked for, the more I found. With everything I found to admire in that person my feelings toward them rose.

Today we have a much better relationship than we did at that time. There are still hurts there. As I sit here writing this I’m wondering if I don’t owe that person an apology for my part in that time, if I shouldn’t explain why I felt the way I did. And I’m also wondering if giving them such an apology might not just wind up opening up old wounds, for them.

As I read that article this morning, as I identified with what the writer was saying, I could see clearly what they meant.

We are a reflection on our spouse.

Wives you reflect your husband.

Husband you reflect your wife.

Not because people will look at you and form opinions of them, although that will happen. If a wife leaves the home in skimpy clothes that show of parts of her body that only her husband can see…what does it say for her feelings toward her husband? What does it say for her respect of him? If a husband looks at other women in town…what does it say for his relationship with his wife? For his consideration of her? Yes, our actions reflect our spouse to others but that wasn’t the point of the article I read and it isn’t the point I want to make with this post.

Instead I want to focus on the thoughts of the person. A couple of years ago I read something written by an older man. It was something of a biography of his life. He spoke of his marriage from before he was married until his wife died, he spoke of the relationship between him and his wife, and he gave advice on how to make a marriage more satisfying. I well remember quite a bit of the things he wrote. It was just written in a way that made sense, that stuck with me.

He spoke of general things and he spoke of intimate things. But the part that I want to share now was something he used in a way that spoke of not only the intimate side of his marriage but of the relationship side. Of the general everyday day to day type things. This man said that when we look at a relationship as 50/50 of even 100/100 we are going to be disappointed sooner or later. If we expect the other person to give 50 or 100 percent…what happens when they can only give 10% or when they can’t give anything?

I can tell you what happened to my relationship when my family member wasn’t able to give anything. It spiraled downhill very quickly and we were both hurt. And this wasn’t a relationship with the dynamics that come in a marriage. It didn’t have the ability to hurt the way a marriage does. But it did hurt and it fell apart because that person was putting nothing into the relationship.

What if it had happened in a marriage?

The sad thing is that it does happen in marriage. For one reason or another one person can’t, or won’t, give anything, or gives very little, and the other person responds often by seeing the bad side of things. It’s all downhill from there.

This man had a very different suggestion. It had been the way he treated his marriage and it was what he recommended others do. And it has stayed with me since I read it. He said we should never look at a relationship as 50/50 or 100/100 because sooner or later the other person won’t be able to give their expected amount. Instead, he suggested we look at a relationship, especially a marital relationship, as 110%. And the entire 110% should come from you.

If you’re giving 110% to that relationship then you’re giving all you’ve got and then some. As a result you aren’t going to be disappointed when the other person can’t give their expected part.

That seems nearly impossible. No matter who we are, what are beliefs are or how deep or strong they are, we all have feelings and needs. And expectations.

I read online not all that long ago that the reason we get disappointed with other people when they fail to live up to our expectations is because we would be willing to go that far for them.

If we’re giving 110% of ourselves to marriage than we’re giving so much it becomes hard to see the faults of the other person. As imperfect people living in a fallen world we will all do things from time to time that will hurt others. Sadly, it is those closest to us that stand to get hurt the most.

I am a reflection on my husband. The way I act, dress and talk when around others clearly reflects on him. If I sit or stand turned away from him while in town people will get the impression that I am either angry with him, that we’re having marital problems, or both. If I hold his hand, stand close to him, lay my head on his shoulder, people will get the impression that we have a good marriage, that I love my husband, that I enjoy him.

But it shouldn’t be the thoughts or opinions of others I worry or care about. What would my husband think and feel if I sat turned away from him, gave him ugly looks, or anything else that showed I really didn’t want to be around him? How would he feel? What would he think? His thoughts and feelings are so much more important than anyone else’s. If, on the other hand, I stand close to him, if I hold his hand, if I touch his arm, sit close to him, lay my head on his shoulder…what message am I sending him? What does he think? What does he feel?

It isn’t just in my interactions with others, with the world, that makes me a reflection on and to my husband. My actions reflect my feelings to him, not just of him. My husband isn’t perfect, no one but Christ is. I have a choice every day…do I want to look at his faults or see the good in him?

If I focused only on his faults…what would I see? How would it affect my feelings for him? How would he respond to me? What would it do to my marriage?

I don’t want to focus on my husbands faults because I see so much good in him. I think often of the women who say ‘all the good men are taken’ and I’m so grateful to be one of the women that got to do the taking of a very good man.

But even good men have faults, as does everyone. If I chose to focus on my husbands faults it would quickly result in problems in my marriage.

But it would do something else too.

It would make me unhappy. It would make me dissatisfied. I would be disappointed. And hurt. Because if I focused only on the faults I would see nothing but bad in my husband and then I would begin to see nothing but bad in my marriage. How long after I started seeing things that way before there really was nothing but bad?

I am a reflection to my husband. How I act toward him, how I treat him, is a reflection of my feelings for him. And that affects not only how he feels toward me but also how he feels about himself. I am his reflection.

What image do I give?