A new blessing

Three months ago today I lost a baby we were expecting. That baby died long before it had a chance to live outside my womb. It was a trying and painful time for me, my husband and our family. It was also an eye opening experience for me. There have been many times I have spoken with someone that has lost an unborn baby or child and all I could say was I can only imagine your pain. Now I do much more than imagine the pain…I remember it. I also remember the sweet time I cradled my baby within my body and how blessed I was to be that baby’s mother no matter the length of time.

Recently I discovered that I am once again expecting. This baby wasn’t a surprise and it’s very much wanted. I do, however, find that this baby has created a feeling in me I’ve never known in relation to a pregnancy before…fear.

Hard as I try to not be anxious my mother’s heart still fears for the tiny life growing within me. I want so badly to carry this baby to term, to hold it in my arms, to give it a name, to see its features, to watch it grow into all the Lord has in store for it.

But even as I want all of those things I am reminded that we aren’t promised tomorrow. That we are to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself. And so I turn my fears into prayers, I petition my Lord on behalf of the precious life I carry. And I treasure every moment I’m given with this baby, be it days or decades.

When I was first beginning the loss of my last baby the midwife told me to guard my heart and I knew that that I never could, that I must love my baby for every second I had with it. I will do nothing different with this little one. I have known people that chose not to reveal their pregnancies until they were past the three month mark so that they didn’t have to make any explanations if they lost the baby. I’ve known people that didn’t reveal their pregnancy until they’d had their amniocentesis, presumably so that they knew the baby was healthy before they disclosed its existence. I’m not one of those people. I won’t hide my precious baby until I’m sure I won’t have to go through the inconvenience and the pain of disclosing a loss should it happen.

For however long we have this baby it has been given to us by the Lord. It deserves to be celebrated and enjoyed. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.

When my fears rear their ugly head I hope I remember to always turn them into prayers, for fear serves no purpose but prayer and faith do. And as I pray for my child I pray also that the Lord will keep me in prayer and not in fear as I enjoy this precious baby that he has blessed us with.