Prescription for marriage

I once read a book about a couple that reunited after many years of not seeing each other. Their reunion took place in Las Vegas where after spending several days together they married. The following morning the marriage fell apart when the new husband informed his new wife that he loved another woman and wanted to marry her.

That was fiction. It was the base for a book that was written with the purpose of entertainment. Sadly though all too many marriages today come too close to resembling that fictional marriage.

I’ve heard of people that marry simply because they want to have an intimate relationship with the person they’re involved in and for whatever reason…good as it may be…they don’t want that kind of relationship without marriage. On the surface that reasoning might sound good…or good enough, the problem is what happens under the surface…or once the newness of that intimate relationship wears off. People that marry only for that reason then get a divorce and move on to the next thing in their life…usually the next relationship. Which probably means another marriage destined for divorce.

In cases like that, they are much like the fictional couple in the book I read so long ago. They marry for the moment, enjoy the moment…however long it lasts…then divorce. Marriage never had any true meaning or purpose in either of those situations.

I’ve heard it said many times that marriage is under attack by Satan. I even had a friend once tell me that Satan destroyed Adam and Eve’s marriage. The implication from that is that every marriage since Adam and Eve has been a testing ground…a battlefield…for Satan. My friend didn’t say that. It’s my own addition to what she said, using what I’ve heard so many others say.

I can’t see anywhere in Scripture where Adam and Eve’s marriage was destroyed. That they sinned…yes. That they were punished and removed from the garden of Eden…yes. That their marriage was destroyed…no. In fact we actually see that after their banishment from the garden Adam and Eve were still together.

And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” ²³ So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. Genesis 3:23-24 NIV

Almost immediately after that we are shown that far from being destroyed Adam and Eve’s marriage was still strong.

Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” ² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Genesis 4:1-2 NIV

We can clearly see in Scripture that Adam and Eve’s marriage survived the fall. But regardless of what happened to Adam and Eve’s marriage…marriage today has many, many problems.

Is it any wonder that marriage in a fallen world should be filled with troubles? Despite the fact that somewhere between 70%-90% of American’s claim to be ‘Christians’ statistics in so many areas prove otherwise.

Marriage is just one of those places.

I don’t know what the real number of Christians in America is. Because of the way ‘Christians’ are lumped together it’s impossible to get anywhere close to an accurate number of true Christianity in America…or the world. But it’s easy to see by Scripture that many of those claiming Christianity are…

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Matthew 15:18 NIV

If so many unsaved…unregenerate…even reprobate people are having any kind of encounter with marriage…is it any wonder that marriage is in the state it’s in today?

Even the way our nation describes marriage...as an institution…gives us a very good idea of how marriage is seen. It’s not labeled as the relationship of marriage. It is the institution of marriage.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines institution as:

an established organization

a place where an organization takes care of people for a usually long period of time

a custom, practice, or law that is accepted and used by many people

I can’t begin to place my marriage into those terms. The relationship I have with my husband is not an established organization. It’s not a place where an organization takes care of people. The closest I could come to using one of those definitions to describe my relationship with my husband would be the last one…a custom, practice, or law that is accepted and used by many people.

Marriage is a custom that is accepted and used by many people. It is a practice that’s accepted and used by many people. And there are marriage laws that are accepted and practiced by many people.

And still…

My relationship with my husband…my very marriage with my husband…does not fit that definition except by the world’s standards.

The reason my marriage does not fit that definition is because of how the world sees marriage. Marriage is…what…in the world’s eyes? A relationship between two consenting people that enter into a legal contract to live together until they chose to dissolve the contract?

Many marriages today do fit that definition. My husband and I didn’t marry under a legal contract, we have one now, but we married through a covenant with our Lord. There was no institutionalizing of our marriage. The only reason we have a legal marriage was to gain the legal acknowledgement of our marriage. And that legalization of our marriage came after our covenant marriage.

A covenant that represented what marriage is in Scripture.

This year marked a turning point in American marriage with the institution of same sex marriage. That law went further to completely redefine what marriage is. But that isn’t the only attack on the changing idea of what marriage is. Long before same sex marriage was made legal it was considered acceptable for people to live together without marriage.

When my mother was a young girl her grandparents legally took her and her brothers away from my grandmother because my grandmother lived with a man without being married to him. There was no other factor involved in my grandmother losing her children. The only thing she did wrong was to live with a man she wasn’t married too.

In our modern world the very idea of that is inconceivable. There are very few people in our country today, even among Christians, that would consider taking children from parents who live together without the benefit of marriage.

In fact is those that live together without marrying may well outnumber those that are married. And if we factor in all other aspects of what is labeled as ‘marriage’ it’s quite possible that those in biblical marriages may well be in a minority.

I saw a news article several years ago about a couple that is in what they called an open marriage, meaning both the husband and wife were free to have relationships with anyone they wanted, in whatever form they wanted to have them. I remember reading that article because when I saw the headline I had no idea what an open marriage was. That article went so far as to say open marriages would most likely become the norm because so many people wanted marriage but they wanted the freedom to engage in other relationships also.

If I remember correctly it gave statistics for the number of marriages that end because of adultery and how having an open marriage removes the need for adultery. There can be no adultery…said the article…when you’re free to engage in any relationship you want.

Marriage in that case becomes…what?

I can’t even begin to figure that out. In a so-called open marriage, by that articles definition, marriage would remove the commitment that comes with marriage…or should come with marriage. Except I can see how those that support the concept of open marriage might say that commitment is still there. I can even imagine how they might argue that the couple are more committed to each other than if they had a traditional marriage.

Truly the idea is mind boggling. And it shows the lengths to which the human heart has gone to allow for the fulfillment of their own desires.

There are even people that question not only what the purpose of marriage is but whether or not it even has a purpose. The ability to have children is no longer the purpose for marriage…at least not by the world’s standards. According to studies done in 2012 more than half of all children born were born to single mothers.

According to an article I read in a ‘Christian’ magazine many couples say they don’t know why they’re together. They admit that there is no purpose to their marriage.

If our world no longer sees a purpose for marriage…what does that say?

The same article in that ‘Christian’ magazine stated that most married people are unhappy. I’ve seen that played out in just about every marriage I’ve encountered. Even among those that seem to be happy…they aren’t usually.

All marriages will have problems. I’m not doubting that. It’s impossible for any two people to have any kind of relationship without there arising problems sooner or later. Even the most superficial friendships will…if they continue long enough…have problems.

I am one of those people that will tell anyone I’m very happy in my marriage. I take great joy in my husband. I enjoy his company. I value his input. I treasure him.

But I would also like to point out that there are no other relationships we will ever have that we will be asked ‘are you happy’ in that relationship? When was the last time you heard someone ask a mother if she was ‘happy in her mother/child relationship’? When has any adult child been asked if they’re happy in their relationship with their parent? What about a friendship? Or a role as neice or nephew? How about a relationship with a sibling?

We may be asked if we’re close to family members, if we have a good relationship with them, but I’ve never heard anyone ask if we’re happy in those relationships. Why is it that the world expects to be happy in marriage but not in any other relationship?

Why is it that we can divorce our husband or wife but we never consider divorcing our parents or siblings? There are many adult children that do not speak to their parents. There are many siblings that never see each other. I have a sister I haven’t seen in twenty years. I haven’t talked to her in almost that long. It wasn’t through my choice, I would love to have contact with her, but it wasn’t to be.

But still…we don’t divorce our siblings.

Granted the laws regarding siblings and spouses are different. Not only can I not replace my siblings should I chose to but if I could…I could have as many siblings as I wanted. There is no law against the number of siblings we can have. But most people have no desire to divorce their siblings.

Maybe the fact that we don’t have to live with them once we’re grown has something to do with that. Or maybe it’s simply that society doesn’t generally say it’s okay for siblings to divorce one another. You are siblings through birth. It’s a relationship you have that is simply there. And it’s expected to stay there no matter what happens throughout your life.

The same happens in a parent/child relationship. How many parents stand behind and support adult children even when they strongly disapprove of that child’s lifestyle? But the same person might very well divorce a spouse should they do less than that adult child is doing.

I read a while back about a woman that’s married to a prisoner. Her husband is in prison for I don’t know what reason. She said she tells people that she and her husband are separated because people understand that where they don’t understand why she would stay married to a man in prison.

It’s so easy for those in our society to accept marital separation and even divorce but they can’t understand a wife staying with her husband through a prison sentence.

And because it’s so easy for our society to accept divorce…it’s so easy to attain. It almost seems as if it’s expected somehow. With every question of ‘are you happy in your marriage’…is the person being asked that question not being…set up…to think of whether or not they are satisfied in marriage?

Why would anyone even ask such a question?

Because society has allowed the mindset that we should be happy in our marriage while it ignores the fact that marriage is a commitment that should be upheld whether or not happiness is involved.

Asking a married person if they’re happy with their marriage is much like asking if they’re happy with their restaurant meal? Are you happy with that order? Does it work for you? Is everything done to your liking?

I don’t for a minute doubt that there are people that are truly miserable in their marriage. There are people that are in real danger in their marriage. But asking a married person or in any way implying that they should consider if they’re happy in their marriage sets them up for the idea that if they aren’t married they should do something.

That would be fine if the something that came to mind was figuring out how to fix the problems in their marriage but all too often the something that comes to mind is divorce. It’s the idea that if you aren’t happy with what you have you should trade it in for something better. Get a new one. You’ll be happy with it.

Much the way we trade in an old car for a new one.

As I write this I can’t help thinking of a neighbor I once had. I know nothing of this neighbor’s marriage except what little I saw and the whole lot I heard from her. Each time she and I spoke she would tell me of all her husband’s shortcomings. I’m sure he had many…we all do…but according to his wife he had nothing but shortcomings.

Had someone asked that wife if she was happy in her marriage, most likely she would have said no. Whether she would have said it or not, she sure gave the impression of being unhappy in her marriage. But I can’t help thinking that she brought some of that misery on herself. She wanted something other than what she had.

The grass was greener on the other side of the fence and there appeared to be nothing good about what she had.

And there came the expectation that she should be ‘happy’ in her marriage.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be happy in our marriages. We should be. The Lord didn’t create marriage as a way of making us miserable. As I said earlier I’m very happy in my marriage. What I’m speaking against is the belief that married people should ever be questioned on whether or not they’re happy in marriage when we don’t question people on whether they’re happy in any other relationship they have.

In that ‘Christian’ magazine I read it questioned how many truly happy married people the reader knew. Not only that but it went further to question if the reader was truly happy in their marriage. Then it informed them that statistics say they probably are not.

Not only did that writer…that ‘Christian’…question whether or not the reader was happily married…they informed them that they probably weren’t. They put the idea into the readers head that most likely they were unhappy with their marriage.

Why?

What purpose can possibly be served by not only asking if someone is happy in their marriage but in turning around and all but telling them they aren’t. The implication there is that whether or not the person thinks they’re happy…chances are they aren’t.

Why would any ‘Christian’ take such a stance?

Why would they imply such a thing?

I’ve written a lot about whether or not people are happy in marriage in this post. That wasn’t my intention but it’s the turn this post has taken…but I’m not for a minute implying that anyone’s marriage is unhappy. I admit there are people that are very unhappy in marriage. I admit there are people whose marriages could be better defined as misery. But I’m not about to imply that anyone is unhappy in marriage.

Every marriage is created by the Lord…

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:9 ESV

Marriage is not a legal contract that we can expect to enter into and dissolve based on our personal happiness. It’s a commitment that shouldn’t be entered into lightly and it’s a relationship that we should stand beside whether we are ‘happy’ or not.

That said…marriage should be a happy union. We should enjoy our marriages. We should enjoy our husbands or wives. But we shouldn’t fall prey to the world’s belief that we need to be happy in our marriage or do…something about it.

The Lord created marriage to be a blessing. It’s a union that He designed for His purposes.

But the world would lead us to believe that there is little to no purpose marriage. Marriage has become the subject of many derogatory jokes. Many a woman has likened her husband to raising a child. Being married has been called the equivalent of being in prison. I have a relative that says being a wife turns you into a man’s slave. Many people seem to share at least something of that opinion believing that they are giving up their freedom if they marry.

There are people that say they made the worst mistake of their lives within days of marrying.

All these different thoughts, beliefs, and ideas are all ingrained in the American mindset. Even among Christians. It’s impossible to escape our society’s opinion on marriage. There are plenty of ‘Christian’ counselors, preachers, and leaders willing to help save the ‘christian’ marriage through books, tapes, and counseling.

The ‘Christian’ and the secular world alike churn out ‘helpful’ programs and books designed to help the unhappily married become happily married. In that ‘Christian’ magazine they offered a book that implied if you would but follow that man’s ways in your marriage you wouldn’t wind up one of the 50% of married couples that become enemies through divorce. If ‘you’ will only follow his ‘prescription’ for marriage it will ‘heal’ whatever is wrong.

There is a prescription for marriage but it doesn’t lie in the teachings of any man. It lies within the pages of Scripture.