Marriage.
That has been the topic of several of my posts lately. It’s
been the subject of several conversations between my husband and myself lately.
And it’s been the topic of a few conversations I’ve had with other people.
The last post I wrote on marriage started out to be a post
where I was going to give Scripture verses on marriage. My only aim was to
gather together verses that showed that Biblical marriage shouldn’t need a book
written by a fallen person to tell you how to be happily married. It was as
much for myself as for anyone that might read it. But what I intended it to be
isn’t what it turned out to be. The same night I wrote that post I was lying in
bed thinking about…marriage. More precisely I was thinking about Biblical
marriage and what it is and what it stands for.
Basically I was thinking about the post I had intended to
write and didn’t. And then those thoughts shifted from thinking of verses on
marriage to what marriage is from a Biblical perspective. Ephesians 5:22-23
says:
Wives, submit to your
husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the
head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
The more I thought about that verse the more I began to
think…Here Scripture plainly gives instructions to husbands and wives. In two
sentences He sets the foundation for the entire marriage relationship. But He
does more than that, so much more.
He says wives are to submit to their husbands but we’re not
going to focus on that just now. I’m going to set it aside for a moment and
come back to it later. I want, instead, to look at the next sentence, the
instructions to husbands. For the husband
is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Here Scripture likens the relationship between a husband and
a wife to that of Christ and the Church. The husband is the head of the wife.
What does that mean? In worldly terms we would see it as a ruler or leader. To
be the head of something is to rule over it.
I knew someone a couple of years ago that saw marriage
exactly that way. This person was a professing ‘Christian’, someone that knew
Scripture well. This person’s view was that the husbands place was to rule over
the wife. That the wife was to account to the husband for everything, to let
him know where she was at every moment, where she was going, what she was
doing. She was to do anything He told her to no matter what it was. That was
how they saw the verses in Ephesians 5.
But…is that what Paul meant when he was giving those
instructions?
If we look to Galations 5:22-23 we are told what the fruit
of the Spirit is…
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness
and self-control…
Could a man
whose personality was that of the fruits of the Spirit be the kind of husband
that ruled over his wife the way the person I described above believed it did?
If a man is truly regenerate, if he’s seeking Christ with all that he is, if
the fruits of the Spirit are in him…would he be the type of husband that rules
over his wife?
I don’t believe
he could be. Not only would he not want to be but it quite simply wouldn’t be
in him to be able to be that sort of husband. His personality simply would not
be the type that would let him act that way toward his wife. Nor would his
relationship with Christ let him treat her that way.
Instead…I
believe that a truly regenerate man would be a completely different kind of
husband. One that treated his wife first with love. His whole relationship with
her would revolve around that. It would flow out of the love he has for Christ
and the love he has for her.
His relationship
with her would be so simple and yet very complex. Not because of the
relationship between the couple but because of what it is, of what he is. Here
is a man that is living for Christ. He’s denying himself, taking up his cross,
striving daily to live according to Biblical standards. He knows that the two
most important commandments are…
And He said to him, "'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL
YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' 38"This is the great and foremost
commandment. 39"The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS
YOURSELF.'…Matthew 22:37-39
So if this man…this husband…is
living for Christ then he’s trying hard to follow those two commandments. He
strives to put Christ first in everything, loving Him with all that he is, and
he’s loving his neighbor as himself.
What is his wife?
She is his neighbor. Not only
that but, if she’s regenerate, she’s also his sister in Christ. Would a man
that’s loving his neighbor as himself rule over his wife? Or would he love her
as himself, treat her the way Christ has set forth in Scripture that we are to
treat one another?
But that wasn’t the part that
made me catch my breath and just…pause. It wasn’t what struck me as awe
inspiring, as wondrous, as…something I can’t even describe. That didn’t happen
until I got to thinking about how marriage is to be an example of the
relationship between Christ and the church.
What does that mean?
When the answer to that question
came to me I caught my breath. My thoughts, my very being paused and just
marveled at the wonder of the marital relationship. Because you see…I was
simply amazed by what came to me. I knew well all the verses on marriage, knew
that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church but…
When I fully saw in my mind what
that meant…it was simply awe inspiring. Because when we look at what Christ was
to the Church…in its simplest form…He was the savior, He sacrificed and gave
for the church, He loved the church.
Ephesians 5:25-26 goes on to tell
us…
Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her
to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
Those
two verses say to the husband…be to her what I was to the church. Give yourself
up for her. Cleanse her. Christ was the savior. He gave his life for her.
As
I write this…I’m struggling. You see I simply can’t put into words what I
understood that night. I can’t show in words what I felt. No matter what I
write it just isn’t showing what I want it to.
You see nothing I’ve written so far was
new to me; nothing I’ve said brings the same awe I felt that night. I simply
can’t get that feeling, those thoughts, to take on the awe that flowed through
me as I thought of what marriage truly is when simply looked at in the light of
Scripture. I have, in my husband, what I believe to be a wonderful example of
what a Christian husband should be. After Christ it’s me and our children that
he lives for.
Without me saying a word to him, not
all that long ago, he gave up something that bothered me. I never told him I
didn’t like when he did it. Never asked him to give it up. But somehow he knew
and he gave it up. Just like that. For me. I can’t even describe what that
meant to me. He was attuned enough to me to know how I felt about it and then he
gave it up. For me. Out of his love for me.
To me…he is a living example of the
kind of husband that Scripture describes. How can I not want to be the kind of
wife Scripture describes?
I am blessed to have a husband that
doesn’t make demands on me. He doesn’t require much of me. I have tried always
to be the submissive wife Scripture says I should be and I have a husband that
makes that easy, not only because he doesn’t put a lot of demands on me but
because the way he treats me makes me want to please him, to submit to him.
I’ve tried hard to make sure that I
have been that kind of wife. Recently I wasn’t, although I truly didn’t mean to
not be. I didn’t hear something my husband said and as a result I did something
that he saw as going against him. That wasn’t my intention but the result was
the same. Without any intention on my part I hurt my husband. Because I,
without knowing it, chose something that went against him. I would never have
done that if I’d heard what he said but I didn’t hear him and I hurt him. I
regret that it happened but good came out of it. Because of that incident we
were able to discuss it. Hearing him tell me how it affects him when I am not
the kind of wife I should be made me want all the more to be that kind of wife.
Because I don’t want to hurt him.
My husband has not failed to be the
kind of husband Scripture says he should be but if he ever did I can well
imagine the hurt and shock I would feel. Mainly because it would be so out of
character for him that I wouldn’t know what to do. Because he is the way he is,
I am able to totally depend and rely on him. I know I can trust him with all
that I am. He leads me in so many different ways.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved
the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed
her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to
himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might
be holy and without blemish.a 28In the same way husbands should love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body.
Ephesians 5:25-30
This passage
sums up a good part of the awe that flowed through me that night. Here is the
foundation for what the husband is to be to the wife. He’s to love her as
Christ loves the church. He’s to give himself for her, to sanctify her. He is
to nourish and cherish her in the same way that Christ does His church.
My husband is
the head of me as Christ is the church. He is to sanctify me. He is to give for
me.
I have not
asked that of him. I have not required it or demanded it. But the Lord has. And
my husband does it. Because it is who he is. Because it is what the Lord asks
of him. Because I have been entrusted into his care by the Lord.
Because my
husband does all that for me he makes it easy for me to do what is required of
me. I am to submit to him as to the Lord and…
… let the wife see that she respects her
husband. Ephesians 5:33
I am to
respect my husband. How can I not respect him when he does so much for me? And
that is when the awe set in. It’s when I saw what I never have before. My
husband leads me, in life, in Scripture, in everything. He leads me even in the
little things that I would never have thought of. Because of my husband I have
learned I need not even watch for things like ants in our path as we walk
through the yard because he steers me around them. He cares for me in such a way
that I can fully trust him in everything. He leads, I follow. He loves me and I
know it. He watches out for me physically, emotionally, financially…in every
way there is to be looked after, he looks after me. And it’s beyond precious to
me.
Before we married I told my sister that
if I wound up not marrying him he was setting a very high standard for anyone
else to fill. I didn’t know yet at that point just how high he would set that
standard. Today my husband told me I’m spoiled. He said it because I told him I
was going to miss him because he was going to be working away from home. But
he’s right. I am spoiled. And not just because I’m used to him working at home,
used to him being with me all the time. I’m spoiled because in everything he
does he leads me. He sets an example for me in the way he lives. He leads me
when we discuss Scripture. He cares for me in so many little ways that I can’t
help but feel loved and taken care of. When challenges arise in our life it’s
me and our children he worries about.
How could I not respect him?
And why would I ever not want to submit
to him?
Which brings me back to the awe that
still fills me when I think of it. My husband in his given role… leads me,
loves me, and cares for me in such a way that I know he loves and cherishes me.
He nourishes me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. If he is an
example of the way Christ treats the church…he is a good one. I may be the only
one that ever sees or feels it but I feel it strongly. I feel it daily.
Because my husband treats me the way he
does I feel his love and care and I respond. I heard a preacher once say that a
woman will follow her leader. And I’ve been given a good leader. I want to
follow him.
Titus 2:4 says a wife is to love her
husband. How could I not love my husband when he is so careful of me? Several
months ago our children had the unfortunate experience of being exposed to
spousal abuse. That night they asked me what I would do if my husband were to
hit me. I assured them that would never happen. That didn’t seem to satisfy
them because they then asked ‘but what if he did.’ I told them I knew he never
would. When they still asked ‘but what if’ and ‘how do you know’ I told them I
knew because of how he treats me, because he’s so careful with me.
If my husband, as the head of me, is a
representation of Christ, then I am a representation of the Church. I am to my
husband what Christians are to Christ. And there was the awe. It was the moment
that I caught my breath and froze. It was the moment that made me see fully
what I never have before.
Because my husband leads me in such a
kind, gentle, and loving way that I know I can entrust all that I am to him…I
want to follow him. And I try hard to show him that I love him. That I respect
him. That I honor him by submitting to him.
I do it not because it’s required of me
but because I want to.
I grew up seeing marriages that weren’t
even close to being based on Scripture. I never…until I married my
husband…experienced what I call Biblical marriage, a marriage based on Biblical
principles. I know that my husband isn’t Christ. He isn’t perfect as Christ is.
But he is the head of me as Christ is the head of the church. I’m not perfect
either but my role is simpler. I’m not told to lead, I’m not to be the head,
all I have to do is follow. To trust and support my husband and follow where he
leads me. I am to submit to him as I do to the Lord. Thankfully I have been
given a husband that I can fully trust and that makes it easy for me to be
submissive to him.
I can see clearly in my marriage what
Scripture means by…
… she is free to be married to whom she
wishes, only in the Lord.. 1 Corinthians 7:39
I don’t read the New Living Translation
of the Bible but I used an online Bible to make sure I worded that verse right
and saw the NLT version along with the one I chose. I think it gives another,
just as powerful example of that verse.
she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but
only if he loves the Lord.
Marriage, for
a Christian, is to be in the Lord. It is to be focused on the Lord. A woman may
marry but she is to marry a man that loves the Lord. How powerful is that
statement. How much does it set the standard for what marriage should be. It is
to be Christ centered. As both husband and wife strive to live for Christ, they
will fulfill their roles in marriage.
The husband is
the leader, the provider, the caretaker of his wife.
The wife is
the support, the helpmeet, the helper.
He leads. She
follows.
Just as Christ
leads His church and she follows.
What a
powerful statement that is. What a powerful relationship. What a powerful
example a couple married, in the Lord, presents to the world, to their
children.
In light of
all that a marriage, in the Lord, is…
Why would I
ever not want to love, respect, and submit to my husband?
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