The enslavement of marriage...repost

I recently wrote a post over a feminist poster that I saw, something that I tried very hard to just skim past when I saw it but then what I saw stayed with me so much that I needed to write just to clear up my own thoughts.

Well, today I saw something that effected me very much the same way. It was once again something having to do with feminists although I was kind of amazed that this came straight from a man's mouth. I know there are all types out there and I know that there are men that support women't causes but...feminism is so much of an anti-man cause that I would think that no man would want to support it. I know I wouldn't want anything to do with it if I was a man and yet...a man said something that was so disturbing to me that I am once again writing about feminism, not because I really want to but because my mind simply has a hard time understanding how anyone out there can think this way, much less how men can think this way.

Doesn't feminism directly disregard men?

Aren't feminists of a mindset that women are somehow victimized because they are women and that all men are the reason for all their woes simply because they are men?

And yet...there was this man saying what I wish I could quote word for word but what amounted to:

Women are so brainwashed by a fake sense of needing to conform and to have security that they willing enter into the 'marriage tradition', possibly the most horrid example of enslaving one person to another in all of history. People take their kids to church were they are taught that women can never reach the heights that men can. There are feminists that still want their dad to walk them down the aisle and 'give' them away. Homosexuals didn't fight for equality in all things they fought to be allowed to marry. Social pressure toward marriage is so strong that they actually fought to be included in this 'disgusting ritual' that is the base of enslaving women. Women will never be equal until we get rid of such enslaving traditions.

Oh...my. I don't even know how to respond to that. My first thought...that was written by a MAN. Um, what man is so for women usurping them that they would think such a thing much less give voice to it?

I know someone that claims that women aren't treated fairly because they make less money than men do. Maybe I'm super sheltered, I've only held a handful of jobs in my life. I've never tried to climb a career ladder, never desired to gain ground in a job. But...isn't minimum wage the same for women as it is for men? Do men make more money as a whole? I have no idea. I know when I was in high school I had a teacher encourage all the girls to go into construction work because federal laws require equality in the workplace and that means construction companies must hire women to meet a quota of female to male workers. Trouble is there are very few, at least at that time, women that want to do construction work. And so...said our teacher...women in construction can pretty much set their own pay rate because the construction companies have to hire a certain number of women to keep out of trouble with the government.

My high school years were a long time ago and so much has changed since then that we may as well be living in a different world but I'm sure there are jobs where women are paid exactly the same as men and that there are jobs that women actually make more money than men do. It's just the nature of any game. Lawyers make more money than store managers, doctors make more than taxidermists. And I have no doubt that there are some jobs out there where women make more money than men do. I know from experience that child care is a profession that is proliferated with female workers and male workers are rarely encouraged to work in that field. Having worked in several child care facilities many years ago, and knowing many parents now, that is mostly the result of the parents feelings about having men caring for their children. There is simply a safety issue involved with men looking after children that most parents don't consider to be a concern when the caretaker is female. And so...men aren't very prevalent in the childcare workers. Or at least they didn't used to be.

But whether or not women are paid equally to men...why would a man encourage this...dare I say, craziness of feminism? It seems to me that feminism is in direct opposition to men.

My faith gives me guidelines for what men and women are to be. Men are to be the providers, the protectors. Women are to be the home keepers, the nurturers. But even if a person didn't believe in the Lord...is it really all that hard to see that men and women are different? That that difference is a good thing? And even if they can't see that, can they not see that feminists are about as against men as they can get?

I've had little experience with feminists but here lately I've had a few more encounters with the feminist movement than I'd like. I've said it before, and will no doubt say it again, I believe feminists ruined life for women that truly want to be...women. They took a country that saw women as weaker vessels, a country where men held doors for women, lifted heavy items, and generally, as a whole, looked out for women and turned it into a country where women are seen as the same as men. More or less.

I've had people tell me I should put my children in daycare and go to work. Why? Not because they had anything at stake in the way I was living but because that is the mindset of our country now. Men work. Women work. This is desired.

I recently ran into a cousin that I haven't seen in years. She works full time and both her children are in public school. Over the Christmas holiday she had the same time off work that her children had off from school. This cousin actually told me, while standing in front of her daughter, that she would much rather work than be at home with her kids.

What is wrong with this thought process?

Years ago I was babysitting for a woman that was working when I started keeping her child but then wound up unemployed. This woman paid me to watch her child, day after day, while she sat home collecting unemployment.Why? Because she couldn't handle her own toddler.

This is what feminism has brought us to. This is the mindset of America today. Children are institutionalized almost from the moment they're born so that women can work.

And now I hear something so degrading to marriage that I can't even think of a proper way to describe it. I'll admit that the modern American marriage isn't what it should be. I've seen married couples stand in their yard and scream at each other. I've seen husband's abuse their wives. Seen wives chase their husband with a baseball bat. I've heard a wife speak all kinds of horrific things about her husband while said husband was home caring for their children.

Marriage today isn't what it should be. But it isn't enslavement, not by a long shot. Not in America. And it isn't just some ritual or tradition that we keep to the detriment of women.

How can anyone feel that marriage is an enslavement to women? I know there are countries where arranged marriages are the norm. I know there are cultures where women truly are treated as less than human. And I know that the very cultures and religions that practice those things also exist in America, and that they practice those things inside America despite laws that do not allow such things, but as a whole American women freely choose to marry and they choose who they will marry.

Some women chose to be stay at home wives, some chose to raise their own children rather than pass them off to others to do the job the Lord gave them to do. But with very few exceptions these are women that willingly chose to do this. They want to be a stay at home wife. They want to be a stay at home mom. They want to be there when their husband comes home from work. They want to care for their children.

These women aren't enslaved. They aren't oppressed. They aren't mistreated. I know because I am one of these women. My sister is one of these women. My friend is one of these women. We don't feel enslaved. We feel blessed. Our husbands love us. They care for us. They look after us.

My husband works long hours, often dealing with physical exhaustion and pain, working in the cold and rain, giving up his time, effort, and energy to make a living for our family. And he does it all for us. I'm not enslaved. I'm not mistreated. I'm not oppressed in any way. And no, I'm not brainwashed into thinking these things. I am loved. I am cared for. I am taken care of. I am protected from the harsher side of life. I am protected from the physical and mental demands of holding down a job. And...I am blessed.

I am not, and never have been, a slave because I am married.

I have to wonder if the man that made that statement has ever been married. Does he even truly know what marriage is like? Has he experienced it? And if he did...was he an enslaving kind of husband? If so...than maybe he should look at himself and not at marriage in general. Did he mistreat his wife? Was his dad an abusive husband? Did he feel like his mother was a slave to his dad?

What would prompt a man to speak against marriage? What would prompt him to hold such contempt of marriage, under the guise of giving women equality, that he would go so far as to say homosexuals should not have wanted the right to marry (I happen to agree with him but not for the reasons he feels that way). Do the homosexuals know something that this man doesn't? Maybe they see that marriage is a good thing. Maybe they see the give and take, the support, the security in simply knowing someone is there for you, someone to share your life with, and they wanted to be a part of that.

Now...I am NOT for a single second advocating homosexual marriage. Such a thing goes against Scripture. And it goes against the very nature of what marriage is. A union created by the Lord between one man and one woman to represent the relationship between Christ and His people. It is a holy union that cannot be attained by people committing what Scripture refers to as sodomy and is an abomination to the Lord. What I am saying is that maybe, just maybe, homosexuals somehow sense the importance of marriage and that despite the sin that holds them hostage in their thoughts and deeds, that maybe they see that there is something special in marriage. And maybe they understand something that the man that spoke against marriage, on behalf of freedom for women, does not understand.

Marriage is not enslavement. Marriage is an honor.

Unequally yoked...repost

I'm part of a reformed Christian group on social media. Mostly I just read what others post on the group. I have found it to be enjoyable, enlightening, and educational on more than one occasion. While I still find that to be the case there have been a few things posted to that list lately that have made me wonder how those things found their way into a reformed group.

The first was a man that posted a short thank you to the group. It went something like this...thank you for letting me join. I'm a Roman Catholic. That really had me wondering what would cause a Roman Catholic to want to join a reformed Christian group. It seemed that I wasn't the only one. There were a number of people that questioned him on why he wanted to be a part of the list and what his beliefs were. The last I saw of that post they were still discussing his beliefs and his reasons for joining a reformed list. There was even a secondary conversation going on between the others on the group because some of the members had addressed the priest as 'brother in Christ' and some kept saying that a priest cannot be a brother in Christ.

I never saw the end of that discussion, although I've tried to find it again several times, but having seen the discussion and read the comments I am left wondering about several things. What would make a Roman Catholic want to join a reformed group? Why would a supposed reformed Christian ever refer to a Roman Catholic as a brother in Christ? I have no problem with a Roman Catholic joining the group. So long as a non Reformed Christian isn't trying to cause trouble I have no problems with anyone joining the group. I think a Reformed group is more than most people can handle but if they can handle it than they might learn a bit of Truth and that would be a good thing. But...a Roman Catholic in a Reformed group is definitely something that seems a bit strange to me.

I have a friend that once professed to believe in a monergistic way. About a year after this friend said that my reformed believes nearly became the destruction of our friendship. Not because I was trying to destroy the friendship but because this friend couldn't seem to accept that I didn't believe in free will. And that was a long term friendship that had weathered storms before. How then can a Roman Catholic handle being a part of a reformed group, a group where most people think their beliefs are heresy?

Not long after the Catholic Priest joined the group I saw another post on the same group. This post was a link to a blog article about being unequally yoked in marriage. The person that shared the link wrote a short paragraph on the same topic. I don't recall exactly what they said but it held to reformed beliefs. I was intrigued with what they wrote and what kind of article had prompted them to write it so I clicked on the link. It was good enough at first.

In fact at the beginning of the article the writer made a point that reminded me of something I told someone a couple of years ago. This someone was talking to me about marriage and how they didn't want to marry anyone that believed the way my husband and I do. My response was that I hoped that they didn't marry anyone with our kinds of beliefs either. It hurt me a whole lot to say that at the time because I very much loved the person I was talking to and would like nothing more for this person than for them to share my beliefs and to marry someone with the same beliefs but at the time I had to tell them that I wouldn't want them to marry anyone with those beliefs. I meant it then and I would still mean it today. At the time that this person said that to me they were pulling away, maybe running away would be a better definition, from what little faith they had. Today this same person denounces any belief in the Lord.

Because of their beliefs, or lack of, at the time we had that conversation I had to tell them I would never want them to marry anyone that believed as I do but I said it not so much for the sake of the loved one but for the sake of the person that they might marry. I was thinking of how bad it would be for a reformed person to be married to someone that had very little (at the time) faith in the Lord. Looking back on that conversation now I can only imagine the heartache that both the non believer and the believer would experience.

And I was reminded of all of that as I read that blog post on being unequally yoked in marriage. For the believer they would be tied to a union that could never be fully functioning. It could never be what marriage is supposed to be. I've thought many times of how marriage must truly be designed strictly for the Lord's elect. I'm not saying that no one but true Christians should ever marry, obviously the Lord works His plans out through the elect and the non elect. But when I truly think of what marriage is, what it should be, and what it represents, I simply cannot wrap my mind around the fact that no unbeliever really has what it takes to do marriage justice...if that's the right description. How can a non believer truly engage in and partake of a union that borders on being Holy, if it doesn't outright cross the line into being holy? How can a non believer, or a professing believer, ever rightly experience, partake in, enjoy, much less treasure a relationship that is designed to represent Christ and His ekklesia?

I think of the many married couples that I've known and honestly can't imagine ever wanting to enter into a relationship like most of them had. Even those people whose marriages managed to stand the test of time did not, to my way of thinking manage to do so in a way that would ever make me say 'I want what they have' or 'I want to be a part of that'. I think of the married couple who the husband clocked the wife's odometer to make sure she wasn't 'running around' while he was coming and going and seeing any woman he wanted. I think of the married couple that argued over every little thing, seemed to actually enjoy arguing with each other. I think of the husbands that I have known beat their wives. Of the couple that would stand in their front yard and scream at each other. And even when I think of the couples that seemed to get along well, I still can't recall any that gave a good enough representation of marriage to ever make me think 'I want what they have'.

The thing is I always wanted marriage but for me the marriage I wanted was an ideal I had in my mind, where that ideal came from...it took me years to understand, but I wanted what no one I ever saw seemed to have. I remember people telling me in my younger, premarriage days, that there isn't a marriage out there like what I wanted. But those people were wrong. That kind of marriage does exist. The thing is it only exists when it's in Christ. It takes two people living for a totally different reason than what most people live for to be able to achieve that kind of marriage. I have been blessed to be able to experience the kind of marriage I used to dream about.

And it's through eyes that know that kind of marriage does exist and what it takes to have that kind of marriage that I viewed what I thought was going to be a reformed article on marriage. There were a few things at the beginning of the article that were a bit off but overall it started out good. Trouble was, long before I reached the end of the article, which I never got to, it sort of just fell apart. It was still a pretty good article, I suppose, for a professing believer.

What started making me wonder at the direction the article was going was when the author said their son was a 'Christian' and that he had been raised in a 'Christian' home. Umm....Is there ever truly such a thing? Even when both parents are truly Christians...that does not mean that everyone else that will ever live in their home will be. I met someone once that informed me that it's completely possible to ensure your children are believers. The implication this person made was that you can discipline your beliefs into your children. At the time I had children quite a bit older than that persons kids were. I had to point out that you can only influence your kids so far. I can instill my Christian beliefs in any child I ever raise but that does not mean they will embrace them when they get old enough to think for themselves. I can demand anyone, child or adult, that lives in my house live according to my beliefs but even if I manage to get them to comply it does not mean they will share my beliefs. In fact, chances are, all I will succeed in doing is making them resent my beliefs. But that person truly believed that enough discipline would make their children believe as they did.

History alone tells us that cannot happen. How many people have died for their beliefs? How many non-Christians have died for their beliefs? Scripture gives us the basis of understanding why that is. Only certain people truly belong to the Lord. They are the only ones that will ever have salvation. If a person isn't one of God's elect they can never attain salvation no matter how hard they try. And if a person is one of God's elect they can never escape salvation no matter how hard they try.

Who in their right mind, before being truly converted, would ever want to embrace true Christianity?

I think of the professing 'Christians' and how pretty much anything goes in their beliefs and all I can think is how hard it must be. Even when your 'God' allows you to do what you want and loves you anyway...how hard it must be to stick to the most basic of Christian values. It's no wonder they pick and chose which parts of Scripture they believe apply to them. It would be impossible for them to measure up to even a tiny speck of Scripture if they took it as it really is, in whole and in truth.

And I think of the flat out non believer...what need to they have for even a single Christian value...and their marriage to a true Christian. Scripture gives us the definition of being unequally yoked, ant they are, but when I think of what it means to be yoked together, something we rarely see in our modern world, I think of cows, horses, donkeys, oxen, etc being harnessed together in a situation where they must work together as a team to accomplish something. Then I imagine what an unequally yoked team in a situation like that would be...yoking a horse and an ox? A cow and a donkey? I can easily imagine the trouble one would have trying to handle such and unequally yoked team but that trouble doesn't come close to what I think an unequally yoked marriage would truly be. Maybe it would be more like trying to yoke an ox and a chihuahua or maybe a bird and a horse. Or maybe it goes way beyond even those images to be an owl and a snake, or a cat and a mouse. Maybe its more like predator and prey.

Scripture says that light and darkness cannot mix. If you mix a non believer and a true Christian, you have mixed light and darkness. You have mixed enemies. They may love each other, they may skate along the surface and appear to have no problems for a while, but how long before the enmity of their souls must clash? How long before the evil in the soul of the non believer will feel threatened and will begin to fight the spirit of the Christian? Scripture tells us that we fight a spiritual battle, one that cannot be seen but that rages all around around us, even through us, and will rage through all time until Christ returns. That spiritual battle cannot be changed, altered, or stopped simply because a Christian loves a non Christian, or even a professing Christian. Love, in the human form, cannot override the spiritual hate that a non believer, or an unregenerate person, will feel in their own souls.

It's actually amazing to think about. To consider the unregenerate people we love, the unregenerate people that love us, and to know that those same people truly hate us deep inside their souls. That the evil that controls their souls would truly destroy the souls of the people that they love in this human life simply because the Christians soul belongs to Christ and theirs belongs to Satan.

That situation does not change simply because a Christian loves an unregenerate person in this human life. It does not change if the unregenerate person loves them in this human life. And it will not change just because that love may take the form of a husband and a wife. Sooner or later their souls will battle no matter their human affections. And then what?

What wins?

Who wins?

And where can they possibly go in their marriage? The Christian will most likely settle in and be prepared to weather the storm, come what may. The non believer...that's anyone's guess. But battle they will even if no harsh words are ever spoken.

But that isn't what that article I read spoke of. In the article the author went into how the 'Christian' will want to go on mission trips and the non believer won't, of how the 'Christian' will want to go to 'church' and the non believer won't... Those things may create strife in a marriage but I cannot see them as the problems of being unequally yoked. Those sorts of issues are, to me, on par with will we go eat pizza tonight or hamburgers. I can see no difference in one person wanting to go on a mission trip and the other not wanting to than I see one person wanting to vacation at the beach while the other wants to vacation in the mountains. They may be issues but they don't come close to being the problem of being unequally yoked.

A mission trip may, or may not, be a good thing for a person to participate in but having one spouse that wants to do so and one that does not cannot come close to the everyday, unseen battle that will rage between a Christian and an unregenerate person. A mission trip is an earthly, mostly feel good, type situation. Professing believers feel the need to go on mission trips because they believe that their presence in an unregenerate people can and will make all the difference in the salvation of those lost people. They believe they are bringing salvation to those people and more often than not they count the trip a success if they can count the 'souls' that were 'saved' while they were there. Those saved souls are, for the most part, nothing more than a fairy tale that they believe in because they offered the unregenerate, or lost people, something that drew them in through their emotions and the 'Christian' then gets an emotional high because they get to say they 'saved' another soul. I know there are exceptions to this scenario but those exceptions are few and far between in what we call mission trips. I've met the missionaries, seen the videos, heard their testimonies and in almost all cases it comes down to what the Christian accomplished. It's an emotional high. It's not truth and in most cases it's not Scriptural.

And yet that is what the author of that article used, time and again, to show the problem in an unequally yoked marriage. That's not unequally yoked. Unequally yoked is that unseen battle that rages in the spiritual world. It's the unseen battle that will destroy not only a marriage but the very people in a marriage that happens between a believer and an unbeliever. And I can only imagine that that battle would influence anyone that comes into contact with the married couple.

Years ago we had a neighbor that I can't exactly say I was friends with but we did have something of a friendship. This neighbor was married and had several kids. In fact they not only had several of their own kids they took in several other kids during the time we lived near them. This couple was...unusual, I guess. They fought like cats and dogs. The wife never had a good word to say about her husband and in fact seemed to actually hate him.

I was simply a neighbor that crossed paths with them from time to time. I would stand in the yard and visit with the wife. And never once did she say anything not derogatory about her husband. I was never in their home more than a few minutes at a time so never really saw what went on behind closed doors but even a few minutes in their presence was enough to feel the battle that constantly seemed to rage between them. How much more so did their children and the kids they took in feel that battle? How much more so did their family members feel it?

And that was with a couple whose battles were very much visible to anyone around them. They were unregenerate people living in a fallen world and trying to make a go of a marriage that at least one of them seemed to not want to be a part of. In fact I spoke with that neighbor a few months ago. I hadn't seen her in years and happened upon her. She very quickly and very happily informed my that she is now 'happily divorced'.

The battles that couple experienced were out in the open, they didn't even hide them from the neighbors. Battles in a marriage between a Christian and a non Christian might not be visible for anyone to see, maybe not even the married couple, but they're still there, they exist and they have a force to them that no unregenerate couple would ever encounter.

That is what being unequally yoked means to me. Predator and prey. Light and darkness. Evilness and holyness.

The role of a wife...repost

I grew up in a family where marriage…as I remember…wasn’t something that was highly valued. I can remember several divorces that happened among family members during my growing up years. I can remember fights…sometimes physical…between husbands and wives. The message I walked away from my childhood with was that marriage was something people did but that it didn’t necessarily require any real commitment. Despite that I held a different view.

In my teen years I remember wanting to be married forever. I had virtually no experience with boys at that time and yet I knew when I married I wanted it to be forever. Even as I observed the less than ideal marriages among family members I knew marriage was something special…sacred…and that I wanted mine…when it came…to be forever.

What I didn’t understand was that marriage was more than the worldly relationship that we view it to be. Even as I was surrounded by examples of what marriage shouldn’t be….I had a deep longing for what marriage should be. Back then I had no idea that Scripture lays out for us exactly what marriage should be.

Right now, as I write this, I have a long time friendship that may not be a friendship anymore. I don’t know…can’t know…what will become of that friendship. I don’t know what happened to turn such a good friendship into a quickly deteriorating friendship. It just sort of…fell apart…mostly without warning. This friendship got to a place where things weren’t what they had always been and it was kind of like the aftermath of a disaster…although it was a disaster that wasn’t seen. All of a sudden, with little to no warning, things blew up, got damaged, and fell apart.

This may be the Lord’s way of removing me from that friendship or it may be a test of the friendship. I don’t know. Only time will tell what is to become of it. From where I’m standing though…I’m left looking back on all the years of friendship, looking at the last weeks and days of friendship, and left wondering…what happened? Where did it go? How did it get to this so fast?

This friendship has no bearing on marriage whatsoever. But it is a good example of how things can go so wrong. So fast.

I doubt any of my family members dreamed of getting divorced on the day they married. I doubt that they thought that this new union would come to an end. I doubt they even thought that there would come a day when things would fall so completely apart with this person they were pledging their life to.

But it happened anyway. Like a tornado hitting an area where tornado’s aren’t supposed to hit, divorce hit these marriages. Trouble came, the marriage fell apart, and the couple were left standing in the midst of the wreckage, scratching their heads and wondering what happened.

I’m going to go ahead and say that the couples in these marriages weren’t regenerate. They didn’t belong to Christ though they may have thought they did.

When I was 12 years old I spent the summer living with my grandparents. One day, while my grandparents were gone, my aunt and uncle who lived on the same property began to fight. I knew nothing about it until my six year old cousin came to me crying that ‘Daddy’s hitting Mama.’ I had no idea what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before. I was scared. All I could think of was to get the kids away from it…they were 6, 2, and under 1. A child myself, I did my best to protect the children.

Looking back on that day I can clearly remember so much of it. It left a lasting impression on me. I remember how scared I was. How much I wanted to protect the kids. How much I wanted to make things better for my aunt after it was all over. I set with her while she cried, spent the rest of the day by her side. I gave her the dog I loved because I knew he would protect her. It was all I could do.

The day that happened, before my cousin came to me, I was sitting in the house safe, happy…secure. Then out of nowhere disaster struck and it left a lasting impression. What, exactly, the impression was, I don’t know. All I know is that memory is one that has stayed with me all these years. And that it did leave an impression.

That was probably the worst example of marriage I grew up with. The rest were more cases of arguing and indifference. During my growing up years all of my uncles got divorced and so did my mother. While I was in my 20’s my grandparents got divorced.

There were no examples in my family for the sanctity of marriage. It was much like the cheap items bought at one of those everything’s-a-dollar stores…bought, used until it’s not desired anymore, then thrown away.

But I walked away from that with a different belief in marriage.

I know now it was the Lord’s doing. I understand that there was just something in me that made marriage something sacred. It is the one relationship that we have in life that is truly sacred. It shouldn’t be messed with. Not by outsiders. Not by ourselves.

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9 esv

I was told recently that my marriage was a choice I made but Scripture clearly tells us that marriage is a union created by God. It also says that man is not to separate that union. Man. As in any of mankind. Man or woman.

Including the man and woman in that very marriage.

This wasn’t a lesson I was taught in my childhood…but somehow the belief was deeply instilled anyway.

Marriage with my husband came easy. The relationship was easy. Rather it…he…came out of the blue one day when I didn’t expect him or the relationship. From the moment we met Someone bigger than me had hold of it and everything just happened until…I was married.

From the moment my husband and I shared that first smile things were easy between us. It was just…right. My husband and I are both Christians, we both seek to serve the Lord, and in doing so…we serve each other.

But even in an easy marriage, even when everything just flows, we still have our place…our role. Things we should do. Things we shouldn’t do.

Maybe…we have that role more so in an easy marriage, a good marriage. Because…maybe…we have more power to hurt each other. There is no one in the world that has the power to hurt me like my husband does. Because things are so good between us I know I can trust him with anything…with everything. And trust him I do. Completely. But that means he holds a power over me…one he never abuses…that no one else has.

But that role…that place…even when it comes easy…is still there. Scripture defines the roles of husbands and wives.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, ⁴ and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands…Titus 2:3-5

The King James Version puts that verse a little differently…

The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

How can we teach younger women to love their husbands if we don’t first love our own husbands? So much of the influence we have on others is through example. We must love our husband in order to teach someone else how to love theirs.

And our husbands will know if we love them. He will feel it in everything we do.

Recently my husband was away from home. I was going to meet him and was preparing for that meeting. I got a message from him that said I might want to bring a pair of jeans with me. I asked him after I met up with him what, exactly, he thought I would be wearing. He said, ‘I knew you would be wearing this. My favorite outfit.’

I had no idea that what I had on that day was my husband’s favorite outfit but I knew he liked seeing me in skirts so I wore one to please him. I wanted to please him in my choice of clothing for the very simple reason that I love him.

But there is another reason…as a wife…that I should try to please my husband…

let the wife see that she respects her husband…Ephesians 5:33

It wasn’t my intention that day to show respect to my husband…I simply wanted to please him. But in trying to please him I was showing respect to him. And he knew me well enough to know what I would be wearing even when I hadn’t said anything to him about the clothes I intended to wear.

Because that wasn’t the first time I had worn that skirt…or a different one…for the sole purpose of pleasing him. I do it often. I know he likes it and it’s an easy enough thing to do to give him joy.

We are to be discreet…self-controlled. Scripture doesn’t define when or where we are to be discreet or self-controlled, it just says that we are to be.

When I was 9 I met a girl that would become my best friend. She and I were good friends into high school. I remember well how, in our teens, she became very loud and would often yell out, scream, or whistle at others. It was embarrassing to be around her. She could be walking along talking quietly and would…without warning…make loud noises. Sometimes it seemed as if she did this for no other reason than to draw attention to herself.

I don’t want to be that kind of wife. Not in actions, not in manners, not in dress. If there’s anything in me that brings embarrassment to my husband or makes things harder for him…I don’t want to do that.

We are to be keepers at home…working at home.

Before my husband and I married we talked about wives working outside the home. We both agreed that was something that a wife shouldn’t do unless the family was truly not able to make it without her working. A few months after we married I told my husband that I could bring in money by selling things through an online auction site. He quickly told me I didn’t need to do that and we didn’t discuss it again. I knew from his answer that he didn’t want me doing it.

I am to be the keeper at home.

It’s what my husband wants me to be and it’s what I want to be. I have no desire to work outside the home. I read somewhere that when a woman works outside the home she must please a man other than her husband…as she will generally have a boss or manager that is a man. She is then under the authority of a man that isn’t her husband. Sometimes that man…that boss…will have more authority over her than her husband does as she will try to please her boss in order to keep her job…even at the expense of her husband and family.

I worked outside the home for a few years in my teens and early twenty’s…before my husband and I married. I did it out of necessity but I never did it because I wanted to or because I got joy or fulfillment from working. Even as I worked I knew that I didn’t want to have to work when I married.

My sister and I were talking recently…this sister works and is unmarried…the conversation turned to working and I told her I didn’t want to work because it would take my time and tie me down. What I didn’t say was that it would take my time from my husband and children and would keep me from being able to be who and what they needed me to be at any given moment. I can’t be wife or mom if I’m at work somewhere.

When I told my husband of that conversation he shook his head before I finished it. Then he said I don’t need to. I know my husband doesn’t want me working. Not only because we discussed it before we married but also from those little instances that have come up in conversations.

I am to be the keeper at home.

It is my job. It is my role.

When I’m home I’m available to my husband when he needs me. I’m available to our children.

Yesterday our ten year old daughter asked me if I could walk in the yard with her. I was waiting for my husband to call and had to tell her I couldn’t walk just then. She said…’you could take the phone with you.’ Just that simply she knew that I could be available to her and to dad.

I couldn’t have been available to either one of them exactly when they needed me to be if I had been working outside the home or preparing for a job outside the home. Because my husband and my children are my focus I can be there when they need or want me to be.

A wife is to be obedient…submissive…to her own husband. We see that in Titus 2 and we see it in Ephesians 5:22esv

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

A couple of months after my husband and I married he told me something that has stuck with me to this day. He said that he needed me to submit to him…even if he’s wrong.

My husband doesn’t make demands on me. He doesn’t even tell me to clean the house or cook a meal. If I fail to do something he either leaves it as is or does it himself. I clean in ways I might not do if it were just me…or me and the kids…because I don’t like to see him clean up something after he finishes working. I like to make his day easier by fixing him something to eat or getting his coffee. Submitting to my husband is that much easier because he doesn’t make demands on me.

Marriage for me comes easy. Part of that is my husband…because he makes being his wife easy…part of it is me….because I like being a wife. And so much of it is the relationship my husband and I have with the Lord. Because we seek to please Him, we can please each other.

But in that…there is still a role. I have one. My husband has one. My husband is a great provider. He is a great protector. He takes care of us and provides for us in all that he does. He loves me and I know it. He shows me daily how much he loves me and how important I am to him.

He’s said I’m spoiled.

My sister said I’m spoiled.

I am spoiled.

But…I still have a role in marriage. I have a responsibility. How long would my husband show me the love he does if I didn’t show him love? How long would he feel wanted and needed if I pushed him away…physically or emotionally…every time he came around?

How long would marriage come easy if I acted that way? How long would it stay good if I failed to be a keeper at home? If I failed to submit to him? If I failed to respect him?

There are roles to be ‘played’ in marriage. My role as wife is to keep my husbands home, submit to him…to respect him. That is the role of a wife. Because I love my husband I want to please him, but pleasing him falls into those three categories. Because I love my husband I want to keep house for him, do his laundry, fix him meals…but doing those things is being a keeper at home. Because I love my husband…it’s easy to respect him.

 

 

What makes a marriage...repost

Scripture tells us that when a man and woman marry they are no longer two people but one.

 ...‘God made them male and female.’ 7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,[a] 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:6-8

Marriage between a man and a woman clearly creates a unity that even the unregenerate can, for the most part, see a difference between it and any other unity on earth. Few people deny there is a relationship between a husband and a wife that goes beyond that of any other relationship on earth. 

It takes a regenerate person to understand the true depths of that unity but most people can see and acknowledge there is something more to marriage than what is in any other relationship. Or so I like to think. As I write this I am questioning myself on just how true that statement is. Today people, as a whole, seem to be embracing all manner of almost-marriages and giving them the same respect that should be reserved for Biblical marriage, or marriage between one man and one woman. 

I would be the first person to say that a marriage certificate does not create a marriage. My husband and I married each other before the Lord several months before we married before the law. We both had family that did not consider us to be married until we said those vows before someone to make them legal. There was a distinction in the eyes of our family members that said we weren't married until we had a piece of paper issued by the state giving us the legal status of marriage. 

The family members that were quick to let us know that our commitment to each other, one made before the Lord, did not count as marriage are the same people that have no issues whatsoever with an unmarried couple living together. One of those relatives had even told me not to bother getting married, to just live together, and that was quite a while before I met my husband. Then when I married my husband without legal status that same relative was one of the first ones to say we weren't truly married. 

I can't help wondering what it mattered to this person. If they did not hold the status of marriage as super important (and they don't, I could give several examples to prove that) then why even bother weighing in on my and my husband's decision on how we married? 

But to get back on topic, there are some that say my husband and I weren't married until that legal paper was in our hands, a paper we did not have for several months after we were married before the Lord. In those months we lived together as man and wife, made choices together, bought things together, conceived a child together...all things married couples do and yet there are some that would say we were not married during those months. 

Those same people don't normally bat an eye at people living together without any intent of marrying. It's normal and accepted in our society. At least it is in America. I know someone that used to work in an Arabic country and that person saw the difference in that country and ours. Apparently the majority of people in prison in that country are unmarried mothers and they are in prison because they are unmarried mothers. 

What marks the line between a couple living together without benefit of marriage and a couple living together in marriage? Strictly from a human standpoint? Or a Biblical one? Where is the line that defines marriage verses adultery? I have two close relatives that had babies while living with men they did not even come close to claiming as their husbands. One of those relatives has married the daddy of her children, the other has not. Where is the line between married and not married? When do the two become one? 

I'm not asking that Scripturally but from a human, earthly, standpoint. Why were my husband and I condemned before men for marrying without a legal status of marriage while those that choose to simply live together, living in sin with no intent of marriage, or with a vague 'we'll get married someday' plan, are treated the same as if they were married. 

I don't support the whole homosexual marriage thing but plenty of people that are either homosexuals or those that support the homosexual lifestyle can clearly see there is something different in the marital relationship. They saw it so well that being accepted in society as a couple, even couples with legal rights, wasn't/isn't good enough, they want the same legal and social rights and acceptances as man/woman marriages are given.

So marriage creates a line that takes two people from who and what they were before marriage and pushes them to the other side of that line where they are something different as a married couple. 

There are states that are what is called community property laws, meaning what one spouse owns, so does the other. They are treated as one when it comes to legal things in those states. But that is only one side, a legal side, to some of what happens in marriage. What of all the other, little and not so little things that move two people from being separate to being one person in marriage?

My husband are married. We are one before our Lord yet we are still two separate people. My husband likes things I do not like. I like things he does not like. I go places he does not go, he goes places I do not go. We both live our own lives within our marriage and yet the very fact that we are married creates almost an entirely whole world that the two of us live within even as we live our own lives. That might be a convoluted way of saying it but it's true. It's kind of like the earth rotates on it's own axis while circling the sun. A married couple has an entire life that is a shared, we are one, life but that oneness happens in the midst of each person living out their own life. 

I was recently talking with a friend, technically, I was writing a letter to a friend because that is how we do the majority of our communicating, and I was telling this friend of my life back when I met my husband. I knew this friend for several years before my husband and I met, so this person saw the changes in my life as they were made but I was sharing some of my own thoughts and memories. In that letter, I told my friend how in the early days and months of my marriage I had to learn how to be a wife. It was new to me and there were many other things going on in my life and in my husband's life but in the midst of all of that we were learning to me a married couple too. 

I remember those days. I remember the experiences that took my husband and I from two people and pushed us into one. Scripture says we became one when we married, that is the line that makes two people into one, but there are earthly experiences that strengthen and deepen that marital bond. We learned to depend on each other, trust each other, work together, and generally how to mesh our two lives into one. 

There are other relationships though that are not defined by Scripture as creating one person from two. I tend to base my understandings of life off Scripture but I'm only human and occasionally something comes along that makes me wonder just how something can be or it makes me question my understanding of how something is. 

Science has 'proven' that a mother and her newborn are one person. I read an article on it several years ago and there is a connection in the mother and newborn that causes their bodies to work together, often reacting to each other as if they are one person. The mothers chest can sense the infants temperature and will regulate to keep the baby at the right temperature. A baby kept next to or on top of mom will change it's breathing and heart rate to match the mothers. 

There are plenty of things that go wrong with that connection. Even something as seemingly minor as formula feeding can and does have long reaching effects on the mother-child bond. My husband remarked many times on how breastfeeding strengthens the bond between mother and baby. His observations are correct. There is something in the nursing relationship that is different than in any other relationship. They say a mother is much more patient with her 'nursling' than she is even with the same child once that child is weaned. 

From an earthly standpoint, it would seem that a mother and child are one person, at least for a time. And that's just taking the first year of life into account, what of the nine months before birth, when the baby literally is a part of the mothers body?

Scripture does not tell us that mother and child are one. There are no verses that speak of the mother being one with her baby. That distinction is given only to man and woman in marriage. Yet, the Lord has put something into the mother and baby that make them one, so much so that they share the mother's body for nine months and once that precious time ends there are physical and physiological things in the mother and baby's interactions that make them react to each other as if they are still one person. Their bodies recognize each other and interact and respond accordingly. Just as my body will work to warm up my foot if it grows cold, my body also warms my baby if it grows cold. It's a miraculous thing to experience and yet the Lord does not say mother and baby are one.

Just this morning I read an article about a set of conjoined twins that have one body but two heads. This set of twins appears just from looking at them to be one person with two heads. They are supposedly a medical anomaly. They have two names and, according to the article, do things like buying two movie tickets, getting two separate college degrees, but also travel on a single airline ticket. 

I do not know the logistics of living as these two women do and I do not know what it would be like to raise children with this particular condition. I do know that my thoughts as I read the article, and in times past when I have seen things about this same set of twins, is that if they were mine I would raise them as one child. From what I can gather they have been treated as separate people. 

Today I found myself thinking that I'm not so sure I would have wanted them even having two names and two separate birth certificates. These were my thoughts as I read the article and I do not know what I actually want or do if I were faced with a child or children with that condition. I just know that today, and in times past, when I read of these two girls I could not help thinking that because they cannot be separated, they are literally one person with two heads. Logically, I understand that there are many things that must be consider, only one of which is what the law requires in such cases. 

If the law says a set of conjoined twins must be issued two birth certificates than obviously there is no getting around that even if the parents prefer only one birth certificate. There are also things like the fact that each head on this set of twins has her own thoughts and feelings. Therefore, there would be times when one side would be misbehaving while the other side was not. Logistics in such a case could get mighty confusing very quickly. 

And still, my thoughts are that this set of twins, no matter their ability to think and reason, must live life as one person. They can be seen one of two ways...two people that share one body, or one person that has two heads. This set seems to be seen as two people, one body, and maybe that is best but my thoughts lead me to think of the one person aspect. There is no separating one of these girls from the other. They are forced to live one life whether they want to or not. They cannot even do basic personal care without the other.

 It seems to me that they are one person but Scripture does not cover situations like this. There is no discussion of conjoined twins at all. Does the Lord see them as two people or as one? We cannot know. The article I read said they have two souls but we really cannot know that either. We do not know the line where the Lord takes one soul and makes it two. People have one soul. One person, one soul. Conjoined twins, though, are not one person even though they may not be fully two people either. That is one of those cases where I am happy to leave it up to the Lord. But even though I am happy to do so, I still can't help wondering where that line is...are they one person or two? Does the fact that the two must live life conjoined make them one person?

Scripture only defines the turning of two people into one where marriage between one man and one woman are concerned. All the other scenarios are things we can only wonder at but never really know or understand just where the line is drawn.