Journeying with Paul...continued
It took five days before Paul's accusers arrived but when they did they presented their case to the governor. Paul's accusers made their case to Felix and then Paul was allowed to respond. He defended himself, explaining what he had done and why, disputing much of what his accusers had said. Felix, who was familiar with the 'Way', agreed to hear more of the accusations against Paul when the other accusers arrived and to keep Paul in custody until that time. But he gave Paul freedoms and allowed him to have visitors.
Paul spent two years in prison, being questioned often by Felix. That was where Paul was when Felix was replaced by another governor. It was during that time, those two years of imprisonment, that it is believed that Paul wrote the letter to the Philippians.
That was a much shorter letter than the last letter that Paul wrote, the one to the Romans. I can't help wondering if Paul had less to say or if maybe he had less access to writing supplies. Paul was no longer free to come and go as he pleased. He wasn't free to work and earn money or to barter his work for supplies to write on. Did he have what he needed to write a long letter and simply did not have need to say as much to the Philippians as he had to say to the Romans? Or did he not have what it took to allow him to write such a long letter.
Two years of Paul's life has passed and we were told nothing about it except that he was in prison and was brought before the governor, a man hoping to get money from Paul, many times. That's it. What did Paul think while he was in prison? What did he feel? Did he miss friends and family? Did he long for the freedom to travel and teach as he had been doing? Was he content to stay in one place? Did he enjoy whatever comforts he had in prison? Was he fed well? Was he starved? Was he treated good? Was he beaten?
As we begin to read his letter to the Philippians we see that he wasn't alone when he wrote the letter, Timothy was with him. I would guess that having Timothy there brought Paul comfort and may have helped assure that he was treated at least half decent but we really don't know for sure. For all we know having Timothy there may have brought Paul pain. It may have made him worry about Timothy as a parent would agonize over a child suffering through an incarceration with them, being denied freedoms, possibly being denied food, clothing, warmth in the winter. We really just don't know.
We can see in Paul's letter that he thinks of the believers, most likely he thinks of all the believers he has previously known and led although he doesn't say that here. What we do see is that Paul says that his imprisonment has 'advanced' the gospel, spreading it through his captivity.
We also see something else. In chapter one verse 15 Paul says that some 'preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will'. There is much to be gained there. Even in Paul's time he differentiated between those that preached Christ out of good will and those that did it out of envy and rivalry. Not all that taught of Christ did so out of their own belief in Christ but out of some kind of petty, selfish, human reasons that were to serve themselves.
Paul goes on to say, 'the latter do it out of love knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment.' Paul tells those reading his letter that there are some preaching Christ for the sake of love for Paul...it isn't said here but I'm wondering if that love was a love for Paul because he was their hero, the person they looked up to, the person they emulated and wanted to be like, or if they preached out of love for Christ. I kind of want to assume that both would be the case but where Scripture is concerned I try not to assume anything and Paul leads us to believe here that those preaching out of love are doing it for the love of him, Paul, and not saying they are doing it for the love of Christ. At least that is the way I'm taking these verses.
Paul then says, 'Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.' So Paul essentially says that he doesn't care what their reasoning is for preaching Christ, Christ is being preached and that's all that matters, its cause to rejoice.
I must point something out here, something that stands out to me. Paul doesn't say anything about preaching the gospel here, he doesn't say anything about preaching Scripture, he doesn't even say anything about just preaching as so many preachers and their followers do today. Paul says they are preaching Christ. That is what was being preached. Christ is what was important.
And we see that in what Paul tells the Philippians. He tells them that to live is Christ, to die is gain. He shows through his words that he is torn between staying on earth to lead them and leaving earth to be with Christ. And he says that he knows whatever happens will bring glory to Christ.
I'm very much a fallen human in a fallen world. I know that heaven will far surpass anything we have on earth. I know that one tiny taste of heaven will forever wipe any desire for anything of earth and yet...I'm still human. I have family here on earth. A husband that needs me. Kids that need me. Other family that would hurt if I weren't here. What I wouldn't give to truly face each day with the feelings and thoughts that Paul portrays here, that he gives us as an example of what we should feel like, and yet I can't reach that point. When I think of my death, I think not of what I will gain but of what others will lose. I know that for the majority of the world my living or dying makes no difference. I know that there are those, even among the people that are closest to me, that could probably care less, and might even be glad, if I were gone, but I can't help thinking of those that would hurt the most if I wasn't here. I can't help hurting for them. And so I can't reach the point of saying it would be nothing but good if I were to die. Not for me, but for them.
But then Paul's situation was different than mine. For one thing, he was receiving direct revelations from God. For another, he had no family that was close to him. He doesn't have a wife, doesn't seem to have any kids, even his sister isn't shown as having any contact with him. All we see of those he may be close to are other believers, who I have no doubt would hurt if Paul were to die, but who do not seem to have any daily, dependency on him. They do seem to rely on him to stay in their faith and that leaves me to wonder about how strong their faith really was. Why do they require Paul's guidance to believe in Christ?
The entire letter seems to be more about encouraging the Philippians and edifying them, to me anyway, than it does about giving them any specific instructions. Paul does tell them that he counts everything as a loss in order that he might gain Christ.
That gets me to thinking about this earthly life. If we really stop and think about it, everything, every little thing on this earth that holds our attention or our affections takes our focus off of Christ. I don't know that that is what Paul meant but...our earthly lives, even, are a loss. We live out this life, separated from Christ because of the sins of this world, sins that live within us even if we don't want them to, and we cannot put God first all of the time. We sin daily because we fail daily to make God the most important thing in our lives every single second of every single day. Even in my sleep...it's not Christ that fills my dreams but life here on earth. I sin even as I sleep.
Everything on earth separates us from God. Even his own creation separates us from him. It may point us to him but it also keeps us from him. How many times do we marvel about a flower without thinking of the God who made it? How many times do we enjoy a cool breeze without thanking the God that sent it to us? How many times do we enjoy the feel of sunshine on our skin without giving God the credit of warming us with his sun?
Paul, in chapter 3 verse 12-16 says that he has not managed to attain perfection, I'm going to go ahead and make a quick assumption here that he is speaking of perfection in Christ, but that he presses on to make perfection his own because Christ has made him his own. He tells them that he forgets what is in the past and presses toward what it yet to come.
I remember when the Lord first opened my eyes to the Truth of Scripture, when He changed me, opened my heart, and gave me eyes that see what I never saw before...I remember that I was head over heels in love with Him. I was literally walking on clouds when I read Scripture. I was happiest when I was reading, discussing or hearing of Christ. It was like I was in a fog through which I viewed all of life, in love with Christ.
It was new. It was exciting. And I never wanted it to end. I happily forgot what was behind me, forgot the very pale shadow of faith I had once had and eagerly pressed into this new deep faith I now held. Oh, the joy I had in Christ.
The joy in Christ is still there but it has changed. Time and circumstances paled the rosy hue through which I viewed my own faith and the Lord that gave it to me. Nothing has changed in my faith but I have lost that head over heels, can't breathe for the wonder of it all, kind of feeling. Now...I've settled into my faith. The love is no longer the brand new love of falling in love but the more settled love, tried through time, tested through fire, and secure kind of love.
Even as I write that I wonder if it's the wrong thing to write, if someone will take it the wrong way. I can't find a good way to say what I'm trying to say. When a mother first has a brand new baby she loves that baby with a strength that defies all description. It's as if that baby can do no wrong and every little thing that baby does is the most wonderful thing in the world. As that baby grows, so does the love, so does the wonder. It's amazing when that baby learns to move it's arm, to reach for things. That new mama probably even rejoices when the baby picks it's nose for the first time. But let time go on. When that tiny bundle of joy is a toddler and slaps mama because mama told it no...baby isn't quite so amazing anymore, not in that moment, and a bit of the head over heels love settles into a 'I'll love you through anything kind of love.' And as the years pass, mom's love gets tried and tested through good things and bad things. She holds her not so little baby through bouts of illness, injuries, and heartache. She wipes her not so little baby's tears when life makes them hurt and then she wipes her own tears when her baby makes her hurt. But through it all she loves her child and that love changes, deepens, goes from a euphoric love of a newborn to a we've faced life together and I'm your mother and I still love you, still remember when you were my wonderful baby, and now you're my wonderful child no matter what, kind of love.
What I'm trying to say, and feel as if I'm doing a miserable job of it, is that my faith is deep and strong but the brand new amazement of that faith has settled into something lasting and permanent that has seen the test of time and trials and is still there.
But it was the early days of that deep faith that keeps tugging at me, pulling at me, making me long for the euphoria of what was there. I want that back. When I was in my teens there was a country song about a girl that wanted to fall in love. She sang about how she wanted to 'feel that rush'. The rush of falling in love with Christ has faded through time but the love is still there. But I would give just about anything to feel that head over heels in love rush again. There was something so wondrous about it.
My husband says he thinks that feeling is what, at least in some small way, we will feel in heaven, with Christ.
I wonder...did Paul live with that feeling? Is that what kept him pressing on so much so that he was able to say being beaten and imprisoned was a good thing? He got direct revelations from God...did he live in the rush of love for Christ, staying in that head over heels euphoria, because he had close encounters with the Lord on a regular basis?
To be continued
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